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* Posts by Ian Emery

1634 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

UK.gov online dating tips: Do get consent, don't make false claims or fake profiles

Ian Emery
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I met my wife on a dating site

However it wasnt a UK or US one, the people on there are madder than a box of frogs.

A friend asked me to be wingman for his first meeting with one woman, her bio said "athletic and attractive", she weighed about 400lbs and had more of a beard than he did.

Not that international dating sites are immune; another friend went to China to meet this hottie; the reality was so different to the studio images she had been sending, he walked straight past her at the airport.

(In the photos she was a very hot mid 40's, in reality her face appeared half melted and she looked about 90).

(No, I am not exaggerating).

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Xiaomi the money? OK, here's a one beeeeellion dollar loss ahead of IPO

Ian Emery
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Re: Not surprised at the loss.

Click on it and you get a nice page in English, click on THAT, and you get a log in page in Chinese.

And Xiaomi lost focus in 2015, not in 2017.

They do makes some great non-core products, but they also slap their name on an awful lot of crap, low value rubbish, and that devalues the brand.

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Ian Emery
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Not surprised at the loss.

They have been pissing away their time with every sort of Xiaomi branded product you can think of (short of a Princess Diana Memorial colonic irrigation kit, but I bet it is on the way).

Meantime, their core phone business has really been suffering from a lack of technical and software support; which has been REALLY pissing off us long term loyal customers.

Locking down the OS, so we cannot play with custom ROMS, telling us we can ASK nicely to have then unlocked, then finding it only works if you are a fluent reader of FUCKING CHINESE is not helping.

I hope this is a wake-up call that gets them back on track, I REALLY do not want a Xiaomi umbrella or yoyo.

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Actual control of Windows 10 updates (with a catch)... and more from Microsoft

Ian Emery
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Alien

I, for one

WELCOME our new MicroGit overlords.

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Yeah, right! In your dreams!!!

The name IS catchy though.

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1,300 customers of Brit bank TSB defrauded due to botched IT migration

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: Another false claim...

It isnt even as if their chaotic tech infrastructure issues were new; whilst trying to open an account with them a couple of years ago, what should have been a simple hours task turned into a 3 month trial, where they lost paperwork, destroyed paperwork, sent paperwork to the wrong address (their OWN address, they got THEIR OWN ADDRESS WRONG!!!)

If it hadnt been for the fact they were the only bank willing to open an account for my wife at the time (foreign national), we would have walked after the first lost paperwork incident, but after the third lot went missing, we gave up

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UK military may recruit wheezy, alcoholic keyboard warriors

Ian Emery
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Windows

Who cares what they do, where do I sign up; I meet all the headline requirements.

natch!"

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Ex-US pres Bill Clinton has written a cyber-attack pulp thriller. With James Patterson. Really

Ian Emery
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Terrible Writer

The one and only time I have had my hands on one of his books, it was a book club bundle; it was so bad I actually sent the bundle back and cancelled.

And when I say bad, the ingredients list on a tin of beans is more enjoyable than that POS.

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MH370 search ends – probably – without finding missing 777

Ian Emery
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Re: The saddest thing

As much as I agree with your sentiments; everyone knows it went off course to pick up Lord Lucan and Shergar, on their way to ET's green Planet.

BTW, there were some very shady people on board that flight, so dont dismiss ALL of the conspiracy theories; some people may well not want the aircraft found.

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ISP TalkTalk's Wi-Fi passwords Walk Walk thanks to Awks Awks router security hole

Ian Emery
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Many a word, spoken in jest.........

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Microsoft, Google: We've found a fourth data-leaking Meltdown-Spectre CPU hole

Ian Emery
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Anyone wanna buy an abacus??

In stock and ready to dispatch.

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RAF Air Command to take on UK military space ops

Ian Emery
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Alien

Based on how many crew it used to take for the RN to keep a plane flying in a warzone, and the number of crew the RAF required to keep exactly the same type of aircraft flying in exactly the same warzone;

Be afraid, be VERY afraid.

600 crew is barely enough to get a pot of RAF tea going.

Hoping they will change the name to "Space Group Command", and have someone called "O'Neil" in command of the lead team.

Alien?? I think this guy rode past me on his bike last week.

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Xiaomi the way: Hyped Chinese giant begins its battle for Britain

Ian Emery
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Forgot to add.

Older Xiaomi phones were easy to root, so custom ROMS were everywhere; the new generations are locked down; you can only get root by contacting Xiaomi and requesting the phone be unlocked.

So far, so good; except the unlock request page seems to turn up in Chinese 99% of the time, and uses active scripting, so Google Translate doesnt help.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Can't wait for their cheap folding bikes!

Trouble is with EU tariffs, those bikes cannot be sold at a competitive price due to the punitive taxes protecting a couple of French eBike makers.

I could walk out of any hotel in China and buy a cheap eBike for £120- £150 right now; but the taxes alone for that bike to enter the EU mean it would cost me ~£650 (shipping is almost nothing if you know the right people).

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Ian Emery
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Meh

Phone quality is nothing without the software/Firmware back to back it up

And sadly, Xiaomi has lost the plot on that front.

Updates riddled with flaws and bugs that arent getting fixed - sometime ever; a desktop suite that hasnt been updated since 2015, and hasnt worked since 2016.

Dont get me wrong, the phones are great, I have been buying Xiaomi for years; but the constant messing around with features - some of them core features, and the buggering up of said features has become a big issue; as is the lack of spares for some the newer phones.

(I can get spares for my 2014 phone, but not for my 2016/17 phones).

I blame the diversification into anything and everything, you can get Xiaomi branded umbrellas now FFS!!!

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Open justice FTW! El Reg fought the law – and El Reg won

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: Streisand effect in 3..2...1...

Well Done guys; a few years back I had my own run in with Aria, what a bunch of shits they are.

You couldnt put the boot into a nastier bunch of wankers.

(Pardon my French)

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UK's Royal Navy buys £13m mine-blasting robot boat

Ian Emery
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Coat

So this is the best purchase the RN have had since buying all those early Ford Modeos - because the advert said they were fitted with "Anti-Submarine Seats".

(Gets coat).

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SpaceX Bangabandhu-1 launch held up while Dragon splashes down on time

Ian Emery
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Gimp

Bangabandhu-1

I thought is was the new Crash Bandicoot TV spin-off.

(Or an Indian porn channel)

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Yes, people see straight through male displays of bling (they're only after a fling)

Ian Emery
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Re: What a pile of old bollocks.

I was thinking Tripe, but Bollocks will do.

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The Sun will blow up into a huge, glowing bubble of gas during its death

Ian Emery
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Angel

Re: Disappointed

I was thinking that if you replaced "The Sun" with "The Donald", it would make a lot of people happy.

That's not a divine being; that is someone using Colgate Total Care Toothpaste!!!

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Pentagon in uproar: 'China's lasers' make US pilots shake in Djibouti

Ian Emery
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Re: Advanced Tactical Laser - ATL

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"

Fake News.

They DO fall down if you push them hard enough.

(Nursery Nurse for 25 years)

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Ian Emery
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Re: Binding Protocol?

Malcom REALLY need to read the OP in this sub-thread before posting again.

Ré that post; at least the gunship will be using bullets with a low lead content - to avoid unnecessarily harming people or the environment.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Laser canon and sonic death rays.

Err,

According to a news report I read a month or so ago, the Canadians have also been suffering from the same mystery illness the US blames on Sonic attacks, and have evacuated families from Cuba; the fleapit is classed as a solo deployment now; essential personal only.

Another report suggests it might be an interference pattern caused by various spybugs planted in the buildings interfering with each other, that creates a supersonic whistling noise.

Ré Hellfire.

A laser guided bomb, sans warhead, but tuned to the frequency being used might put the wind up them, but not kill everyone in the vicinity.

Just a thought.

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Take-off crash 'n' burn didn't kill the Concorde, it was just too bloody expensive to maintain

Ian Emery
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Re: Minor Point

BARELY long enough runway.

I watched it land (on borrowed engines), from a hillside a few miles away from the runway..

Technically the runway was too short, but somehow they managed it, by using a lot of run-off apron.

Bet the pilot had brown trousers.

Watched the BA ones taking off from Heathrow a few times; fuelling up at the petrol station, you had to stop and put your hands over your ears, even after the "hush kit" upgrades made the engines quieter (supposedly).

Watching it as it left the ground made every other aircraft look like it was flying slo-mo; greased weasel or what!!!

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Yahoo! fined! $35m! for! covering! up! massive! IT! security! screwup!

Ian Emery
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Directors??

At a minimum, the Board of Directors, exec and non-exec, should be banned from ever holding such a position again - for life.

Monetary penalties will never stop the suits from covering up their mistakes.

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Brit bank TSB TITSUP* after long-planned transfer of customer records from Lloyds

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Not surprised

From my experiences with TSB, they couldnt find their arse with both hands and a team of experts helping them.

We spent 2 months trying to open an account with them, they lost the paperwork THREE times, and accidentally destroyed it once.

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Tech bribes: What's the WORST one you've ever been offered?

Ian Emery
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Pirate

Long ago, in a land far, far away.

Well, ~9 miles away.

My then boss offered to buy me a brand new Renault Fuego 1.8 Turbo (I told you it was a long time ago); if I backed him up at the bank, where he was trying to finagle a new loan.

I refused (and not just because I hate Renaults), but he managed to get the loan anyway.

Spent it all on himself and 18 months later we were declared bankrupt; I should have taken the car......

Pirate, because I found out later he had rep for it; he had done the same thing about 3-4 times, leaving suppliers and employees seriously out of pocket.

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Hello DARKNESS, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again... about a 10,000-pixel alien-hunting camera

Ian Emery
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Bets are on

Will the first thing they see be a guy in a gorilla suit, or a Google Streetview car??

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Sysadmin’s worst client was … his mother! Until his sister called for help

Ian Emery
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"Can you come over ?"

I get this regularly from an elderly friend; usually it is the ONLY way to sort out even the simplest problems, as she seems incapable of doing anything that involves electricity (she even cooks on an oil fired Aga).

Normally, this meant a 20 mile round trip; but today was a bit different, despite telling her repeatedly, she had forgotten where I was.

"Coming over might be an issue", I replied.

Why??

"Well, it is a 2 hour taxi ride to the train station, then a 15 hour train ride to the nearest city with an airport........"

"But you only live up the road!!" (still not clued in).

"But I am not home am I, I am in rural China; I am surprised you even managed to get a phone call through; it must be costing you a fortune".

"Can you come over when you get back?"

"OK, I will see you in about 3-6 months".

Next day she phoned back; her Husband was expecting an important email, and email hadnt been working for several weeks on her iPad.

After making sure she knew the cost per minute of the call, I started going through everything; starting with the obvious (turn it off and on); when that failed, can you read the emails on the PC?

Oh, the email isnt working on that either.

Hmmm.

Another 15 minutes (most of which were spent waiting for the ancient thing to boot), and we had established that they had no internet access, rather than no email; OK, check the router is ok.

Now I wont bore you with the details, but it took me about 20 minutes to explain what the router looked like, even though it had been sat next to their phone for about 5 years; and what lights it should have glowing on the front.

It turned out none of them, it was either dead or switched off; power button duly located (another 5 minutes), and pushed a few times, as was the rest button, dodo.

Is it plugged in??

(10 minutes of rummaging noises)

"No."

"Well plug it in then."

"I cannot possible do that; I will call "x" (who lives about 5 miles away), and get him to come over and look at it next week".

"X" is an elderly Greek farm labourer; nice bloke, but with all the tech savvy of plankton; HE couldnt figure out how to plug it in and switch it on, so they actually paid BT to send an engineer out WITH A NEW ROUTER.

Alas, they forgot to get him to set up the wifi, so that task fell on me when I returned to the UK 6 months later.

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The true victims of Brexit are poor RuneScape players

Ian Emery
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Re: Who would pay for online stuff anyway?

Game makers were facing a quandary; pirates were too good at cracking copy protection, and on line games required constant support and moderation which required humans - who for some reason want to be paid.

So the games were sold cheap and a subscription - along the lines of todays mobile game "micro-transactions", introduced to pay for the upkeep of the servers and the staff.

Sadly, some game companies are now getting greedy, and recent expansions for some of these popular games are being charged at prices unseen before.

(At launch last year, the average* cost of the Mordor expansion for LOTRO was nearly £100).

* 3 types of package, from basic to premium.

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It's April 2018, and we've had to sit on this Windows 10 Spring Creators Update headline for days

Ian Emery
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Coffee/keyboard

" extensive rounds of testing"

How very Troll, I mean droll.

Reading that made me choke on my rice crispies.

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Gmail is secure. Netflix is secure. Together they're a phishing threat

Ian Emery
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Re: Although...

I think it is more complicated than that; if I send an email to an account that I KNOW exists - exactly the same as my account, but with no ".", gmail sends it to that account; but if someone in certain parts of the world (southern US for certain), sends to that address, I get their email.

This has only been happening to me for a couple of years, and I have had this email address since we had to call it "googlemail.co.uk".

I have told a certain US car dealership about this bug MANY times, but they keep asking me to take my car in for a service.

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O2 wolfs down entire 4G spectrum as pals fiddle with their shiny 5G band

Ian Emery
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Re: Empire

Actually, BT run VDSL equipment from TWO different suppliers; although TBF Huawei's has proven itself to be much more reliable.

And AFAIK, it is bought in, not contracted out.

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UK regulator bans slasher-flick parody ad for OnePlus 5 mobe

Ian Emery
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Nothing surprises me any longer

When you daughter was 2, I decided to let her use the YT childrens app; expecting Peppa Pig, etc.

What was offered up to her was enough to turn my stomach; now she uses the standard YT app and none of this nastiness has turned up (so far).

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Which? leads decrepit email service behind barn, single shot rings out over valley

Ian Emery
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Re: Which Which?

I looked at a Which subscription many years ago; then I read the T&Cs for their Direct Debit mandate.

For a consumer first organisation, it read like a Trump company contract; "unspecified amounts at unspecified times".

Basically, you were signing over your bank account to them.

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Intel admits a load of its CPUs have Spectre v2 flaw that can't be fixed

Ian Emery
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As above

Plenty of 2007-2011 cpu's still in use, my daughters system runs a Harpertown Xeon, and it doesnt lack anything against a current system for anything except modern, high end games and 4K video.

Equally, my parents still run a Core2 Duo E4xxx, although TBF, that is slower than a 3 legged tortoise.

In fact, only one PC in the family runs a cpu built after that date - and that is an AMD cpu anyway.

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Europe dumps 300,000 UK-owned .EU domains into the Brexit bin

Ian Emery
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Re: Not EU? - Declare a new continent

We could call it "Atlantis".

(Plenty of jokes for the remoaners to use there).

I voted out, I am not a racist and I am not an octogenarian; for far too long the UK government has been blaming the EU for its own bad governance; once we are out of the EU they wont have this excuse and (hopefully), people will start to realise what a bunch of money grubbing little shits ALL the politicians are, and vote them out of office.

That and the fact that we were one of the few EU countries to actually FOLLOW the rules; the French, Germans, Spanish, Greeks, Polish etc; all regularly give the rules the middle finger, yet nothing gets done to pull them into line.

It was Bulgaria that broke the camels back for me; they were given BILLIONS in EU aid to modernise their farming systems; they spent it all on ski resorts instead.

Instead of that money being declared as used fraudulently, the EU amended the aid agreement.

This .eu story is just another example of EUcrats being spiteful; nothing new then.

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Tiangong-1 re-entry window shrinks: Duck from March 30 to April 3

Ian Emery
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Prediction

When the flaming remains are finally found, there will be a customs sticker describing the remains as a "Gift", with a value of $0.99.

BTW, anyone know what is going on with UK Customs? I have had a <£100 value parcel stuck in clearing for well over a week.

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Patch LOSE-day: Microsoft secures servers of the world. By disconnecting them

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Its a TRAP!!

This is just another cunning ploy to prod people away from using older versions of M$ software (that they can control), on to new versions that M$ control.

Just like all the crap thrown at Win7/8 users to force them on to Win10.

I have been hearing choppers all day, ever since dissing Trump on a US based forum.

(Trumplish - A baby talk version of US English - which in its self, is a simplified version of Traditional (British) English).

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Co-op Bank's shonky IT in spotlight as delayed probe given go-ahead

Ian Emery
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However bad it may be

It still isnt as shite as HMRC.

My losses to HMRC are currently running 2:1 against my losses at the COOP due to crap software that has been in Beta for a decade.

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Hypersonic nukes! Nuclear-powered drone subs! Putin unwraps his new (propaganda) toys

Ian Emery
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Anyone remember the hype surrounding the Foxbat??

Supposed to be a superjet that could outfly and out gun anything in the sky.

When the USSR collapsed, it turned out it was made of steel; could go fast but couldnt turn, had RADAR worse than Mk1 eyeball and missiles with the range of spitballs.

If Putin really wants to scare Trumplestiltskin, he should threaten to drop weedkiller on Mar-El Largo.

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Bloke sues Microsoft: Give me $600m – or my copy of Windows 7 back

Ian Emery
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Re: *Ducks*

EOL behaviour is already here; M$ is supposed to have stopped pushing Win10 updates to people with "old" hardware.

Since none of my friends or family run Win10; I dont know if this means new features, updated features, or everything including security patches.

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Three in hospital after NSA cops open fire on campus ram-raid SUV

Ian Emery
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WTF?

other seriously hurt in the attempt

For some very strange reason, I read that as "other seriously hurt in the armpit".

I think my brain meds are playing up.

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Still not on Windows 10? Fine, sighs Microsoft, here are its antivirus tools for Windows 7, 8.1

Ian Emery
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The last time I foolishly let M$ put a "Security" program on my PCs, it decided that 3 of my 4 legal, licensed Win7 installs were pirate copies and crippled them.

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What if I told you that flash drives could do their own processing?

Ian Emery
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Trollface

has offices in San Jose, Beijing and Yokohame City, Japan.

Confused, is San Jose in Beijing?

Editor trolling at its finest.

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T-Mobile US let hackers nick my phone number, drain my crypto-wallets, cries man who lost $20k

Ian Emery
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Re: Cell Phone != secure

And yet HMRC insist on access to accounts via a keycode sent to your mobile in a plain text message.

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No, Windows 10 hasn’t beaten Windows 7’s market share. Not for sure, anyway

Ian Emery
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Re: So...

Not just gave away, "RAMMED down people throats", is a more accurate description; or "Snuck in late at night and infected your PC with it".

Then did their best to bugger up the PC of anyone who resisted by giving out duff updates full of spyware.

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Why did I buy a gadget I know I'll never use?

Ian Emery
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Headmaster

just one user, never used

Sorry, but if it has never been used, then you arent a user, merely an owner.

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Xiaomi the money: China's latest IPO star tastes of bubble tea

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: Another Xiaomi User Here.

Xiaomi are spreading themselves too thin, and when product quality falls (as it will) this will bite them in the arse.

Right now, they still make VERY good quality phones for the money being asked, but the software glitches are starting to bite, and not being fixed in a timely manner.

Mi Desktop hasnt worked in 2 years, and no updates in 3 years, MIUI 8 broke a lot of 2.4GHz wifi that has never been fixed, and already we are looking at MIUI 9 being rolled out - on top of the duff v8, or replacing it with working code?? Who knows.

This is all reminiscent of the fuzzy camera firmware cock-up, prior to the crash (MIUI6); eyes offthe ball, face squished into the brick wall.

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Remember those holy tech wars we used to have? Heh, good times

Ian Emery
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Re: Um....

He is right you know; this isnt a Holy War, this is PANTO SEASON!!!!

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PC lab in remote leper colony had wrong cables, no licences, and not much hope

Ian Emery
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Re: Ré causing, not curing chaos

I know that, but this was a MUCH more complicated board, about 8" by 12" and featuring a number of TTL chips and transistors.

A version WITH a psu was already in production, but he had figured out that the transformer + transformer housing was half of the materials cost, so was trying to get it rid of it, by using low power versions of everything, and simplifying the circuit designs.

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