nav search
Data Center Software Security DevOps Business Personal Tech Science Emergent Tech Bootnotes
BOFH
Lectures

* Posts by Laura Kerr

190 posts • joined 21 Apr 2015

Page:

UK 'meltdown' bank TSB's owner: Our IT migration was a 'success'

Laura Kerr

"I'm so glad they don't run something important, like a nuclear power station."

DON'T give them ideas.

29
0

Huawei CEO sings 'Bye, bye, mister American Pai', trims US C-suite

Laura Kerr

Re: "Think of the children" or something

"So that One mistake was to be dismissive of the IJN. In the inital conflict of the Second World War. The Pacific Theater was the only lagitimate one for the USA to be envolved in."

Um... you are aware that Hitler declared war on the US a couple of days after Pearl Harbor, aren't you?

29
0

'Dear Mr F*ckingjoking': UK PM Theresa May's mass marketing missive misses mark

Laura Kerr

Re: Not just mail merge

"Did anyone offer to fill the gap in your life?"

Sorry, but I have absolutely no idea what you're on about.

1
0
Laura Kerr

Not just mail merge

My turn to 'fess up - a long time ago, in a century far, far away, I was testing a middleware system that was supposed to receive text files, send them on to somewhere and record the file name in its audit database.

Yawn, boring stuff. But the thing was having a real hissy fit and just would not work, or log anything to say why. I thought it must be some sort of edge condition, so prepared a big batch of text files, named text1, text2 and so on, all the way up to text100. Then, in a flippant moment, I added one called 'bollocks'.

Guess which one worked.

8
0

Airbus plans beds in passenger plane cargo holds

Laura Kerr

Re: Glossing a commercial turd

" You go to bed on the plane like you would in a hotel room, but you wake up at destination, the idea behind London->Scotland sleeper trains of the past."

Not in the past at all - the Caledonian Sleeper service is still very much alive. I see it on the way to Euston most mornings.

7
0

Accenture, Capgemini, Deloitte creating app to register 3m EU nationals living in Brexit Britain

Laura Kerr

Re: Reduce the overcrowding

OK, so we send 'em all back... then what do we do when the EU nations reciprocate?

12
0
Laura Kerr
FAIL

Re: Ah...Scrum of Scrums, Agile, DevOps.....

Every two weeks, a new edge-of-your-seat thrill, as Team A's new front end release breaks Team B's business logic, so Team B has to implement a fix that breaks Team C's database. That means Team C has to deploy a hotfix that renders Team A's front end unusable, so Team A deploys a fix that locks up Team B's code.

Team B patches the problem and introduces a few security holes as a bonus, causing Team C to throw a hissy fit because the patching and fixes now allow SQL injection, so a bunfight ensues over whose responsibility it is to harden security.

Then external security consultants take a look at the design and promptly flatten it with a simple pen test. Next, the pen test report detailing all the holes is deemed as needed no further action by a suit who thinks SQL injection is a new DVD release, while the poor sods administering the system keep it cobbled together with a collection of cron jobs running fifty-three scripts written in seven different languages.

Then when the inevitable data theft occurs, the aforementioned sods catch the heat for it.

I think we need a Private Fraser 'we're doomed' icon.

12
0

2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

Laura Kerr

Re: Ah well, back to my PowerPoint slides

"However I watched it on a bigger TV a year or so ago and it felt that what I was really watching was an object of great beauty being carefully assembled."

Spot on. If you ever get the chance, see it in a cinema. It's mind-blowing on the big screen.

3
0
Laura Kerr

"There was a soundtrack available, I bought it on CD some years ago."

I've got it on vinyl. I think it was the first LP I had.

1
0

We need to talk, Brit Parliamentary committee tells Mark Zuckerberg

Laura Kerr

Re: About time

"it being invoked on Zuk would be a reason for a major celebration."

I can't stand the smug little git, but there's one wee problem - we can't sling him in chokey unless we get him over here in the first place. We're a bit short of gunboats these days, so unless he comes voluntarily there's not much HMG can do, other than block Facebook in the UK, which would be political suicide, or declare him persona non grata, which isn't going to worry him that much. He'll probably throw his UK minions to the wolves, though.

10
1

China to offer recoverable satellites-as-a-service

Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Re: An oaken shield you say?

I wish I could upvote that more than once.

Now get your coat.

2
0

Administrator PwC chops Maplin staff

Laura Kerr

A vero sad day.

18
1

Suspected drug dealer who refused to poo for 46 DAYS released... on bail

Laura Kerr

"the hospital treatment he needs"...

... is likely to involve some lube and a bottle of phosphate that has a rather long nozzle.

16
0

BOFH: Honourable misconduct

Laura Kerr

Re: I think I even have a script for that.

"For example, making Simon's alter ego a female would tick a huge box with the BBC in terms of representing women in central roles, without seriously impacting on the story lines."

Very true, but - I spent a long time trying that out, and it just didn't work; as Steven is subordinate to Simon, it was difficult to get anywhere without overtones of sexism and bullying creeping in. Same with the KZEEEERT - the stories worked better with that strictly rationed. There are other outbreaks of violence to compensate, though :-)

There is a female central role, and she's on the same level as Simon. Similar attitude to corporate silliness too, which makes for a good relationship. She's just as intimidating as Simon, but in a different way.

4
0
Laura Kerr

Re: I think I even have a script for that.

I've twice been told to 'coff by the BBC. I'm thinking about one more round of the UK prodcos, and then trying Amazon Prime.

7
0
Laura Kerr

Re: I think I even have a script for that.

Good thinking! I'll see what their Ts and Cs are like.

EDIT:

No unsolicited scripts. What a surprise.

11
0
Laura Kerr
Devil

Re: I think I even have a script for that.

I've been trying to sell a TV series based on the BOFH for ages now - after getting the OK from Simon to draw on his stuff, I completed seven scripts and tried to get production companies interested. I even managed to get a couple of celebrity endorsements, including one from the actor who would be the ideal Simon.

And after spending a fortune on postage I ended up with enough rejection letters to wallpaper my lavatory. I did get a couple of nibbles along the way but no bites. I got the impression that commissioning suits didn't like the idea of a series where manglement were the butt of the jokes.

About that time, a few life issues intervened and I put it on the back burner. But I'm thinking that I should try again. I've got enough material and ideas for about 24 episodes, plus a Christmas special.

70
0

RIP... almost: Brit high street gadget shack Maplin Electronics

Laura Kerr

Re: Memories

"Bring on the sales!"

That was my first thought, too. I quite fancy some of the stage lighting gear they do. It's hardly pro quality, but it would do for a few small gigs.

1
0

Fender's 'smart' guitar amp has no Bluetooth pairing controls

Laura Kerr

Re: Won't be an actual problem

Upvote for mentioning Ibanez. Gorgeous instruments.

4
0
Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Sounds like me. I suffer from GAS as much as the next bassist, but most of my toys - amps, effects pedals and whatnot - are decidedly analogue, are tied together with electric string and have controls you either twist or stamp on to make a noise.

In a weak moment, I bought a Boss digital mini-studio, and I find it a royal pain in the arse. Admittedly, the looping, speed control and recording functions are very good, but I really dislike breaking the rhythm to fiddle about with menus.

Anyway, that's Fender off my shopping list. I prefer Eden kit, anyway.

16
0

MPs: Lack of technical skills for Brexit could create 'damaging, unmanageable muddle'

Laura Kerr
Alert

De Management sez

Oh honestly, the negativity here is ridiculous. It's amazing anything gets done. Not to worry though, our world-class consultants, Churnham and Fleece, have assured us we will hit the deadline. We had an all-day workshop with them the other day at the Dorchester. Jolly good lunch, too. You'd have enjoyed it but space was a little limited, I'm afraid. Perhaps next time.

Look, here's their project plan thingummybob. If you could put your phone down at the back please, and pay attention, you'll see that it's perfectly clear. We have to make sure we recruit the best resource. We've had to tweak it a little to include our response to the PAC report, but the timeline's robust, realistic and achievable.

The DExEU project board meets next week to review the report. They'll produce an action plan and task the project management pool to produce resource profiles for the next phase, which will be signed off by the steering group first week in March. No, the working steering group, not the Ministerial one. That meets in April and provided they sign off, we can start recruiting in May, once the budget's been approved. Yes, yes, I know it takes three months to put people in place, but we should be up and running by the end of August. Oh, all right, the second week in September. But it's all plain sailing from then on, look.

Establish project management office, one month. Requirements gathering, ten days. Design completed, two weeks. Review cycle four weeks, design sign-off third week in December, but we've allowed for it slipping to January, because of Christmas. Development will be three Agile sprints of two weeks each, plus a week of testing. That takes us to the first week in March. We deploy in the middle of March and go live a week before Brexit day.

So I hope that's clear. We've covered all angles, planned in detail and there's plenty of time to deliver. So let's hear no more of this carping, and instead get our shoulders to the wheel and make sure we're all singing off the same hymn sheet. Now get back on your heads.

63
0

Twilight of the idols: The only philosophy HPE and IBM do these days is with an axe

Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Re: East India Company Marx

"There are probably fascinating parallels to be drawn between the EAC and companies such as Facebook or Google, but I leave that as an exercise for people smarter than I."

The end of the East India Company might have some lessons for the future... imposition of a new product on people who were unable to refuse, unsubstantiated rumour being taken as gospel and then a huge outbreak of violence, an equally brutal response from TPTB and when the dust had settled, the EAC had been consigned to history.

4
0

NHS OKs offshoring patient data to cloud providers stateside

Laura Kerr

But, but... it's the cloud! Everyone else is doing it, so it must be good. And look! Here are some slides prepared by our world-class consultants, Churnham and Fleece, that show how much money we can save. Do pay attention.

Oh, for goodness' sake. I haven't got time to listen to all this technical drivel and scaremongering nonsense about American interference. The Americans are our friends and would never do anything untoward with our information. They told us so.

27
0

France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry

Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Out of interest, El Reg...

...how much Photoshopping did you do on that pic? Nice and subtle, though!

6
0

Wannabe W1 DOW-er faked car crash to track down reg plate's owner

Laura Kerr

A55 OLE

2
0

SCOLD WAR: Kaspersky drags Uncle Sam into court to battle AV ban

Laura Kerr

I think I need to start sleeping on the floor, so that there's no risk of finding reds under my bed.

10
1

'I knew the company was doomed after managers brawled in a biker bar'

Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Amateur.

Should have done that during a physics demonstration involving optics, which needed the light to be turned off. Less chance of being caught.

Not that that was me, sir. Certainly not.

3
0

Millions of moaners vindicated: Man flu is 'a thing', says researcher, and big TVs are cure

Laura Kerr
Devil

Re: Man Flu - banter OK but no balance

"most managers I've come across don't care about whether you infect everyone else, they just don't want you to be off."

Droplet infection is your friend for dealing with people like that. If you find yourself working for that sort of manager, the thing to do is spend as much time in their presence, while coughing and sneezing into a sopping wet hanky. Preferably in a small room.

If they catch it themselves, they don't have any choice but to come in, unless they want to run the gamut of smirks when they come back after being off sick.

35
0

'Gimme Gimme Gimme' Easter egg in man breaks automated tests at 00:30

Laura Kerr

Re: Aha!

At least he didn't act like a dancing queen about it - when the phone went ring ring, he just stepped into the light of the super trouper and said 'yes - I do, I do, I do, I do, I do'.

24
0

MPs slam HMRC's 'deeply worrying' lack of post-Brexit customs system

Laura Kerr

Re: Remainers need to explain...

My bad, I took it seriously - I've obviously been reading too many comments on the BBC website. Pity spEak You're bRanes is no longer with us.

4
0
Laura Kerr
Thumb Down

Re: Remainers need to explain...

I was going to answer that in some depth, but after a look through the comments you've plastered all over El Reg, I think it would be pointless to even try to get through to you.

10
0
Laura Kerr

Re: Remainers need to explain...

Remainers need to explain? What, exactly? Remainers didn't cause this problem - Brexiteers did.

19
4
Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Re: Food crisis

I'm thinking along the same lines. Also, I live on the top floor of an Edinburgh tenement, and I might start growing food on the roof.

6
0
Laura Kerr
FAIL

Re: We're fecked.

We are indeed totally and utterly screwed.

There are 353 working days from tomorrow to design, develop, test and deploy a new customs system when no requirements have been specified because HMRC don't know what they need and won't until the politicians finally pull their fingers out. And when they've managed to do that, then they need to debate options papers at leisure, allocate funding, bicker over budgets, let themselves be seduced by the consultancies' PowerPoint snake oil and eventually, long after the March 2019 deadline, award a contract to one of the usual suspects who will squeeze HMRC until the pips squeak.

I really despair at the UK these days.

37
1

The day I almost pinned my tushie as a Google Maps landmark

Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Re: Ch ch ch changes

This is putting a lot of people under pressure, but I for one will have to express my sorrow and rebel rebel against this. It's pretty clear that Facebook are absolute beginners here; not only that but this is not America and I'm afraid of Americans - they're too quick to send the bombers across the universe to feel safe, even if that makes everyone scream like a baby. Young Americans don't know what's really happening while their boys keep swinging with teenage wildlife.

Anyway, I'm well into my golden years now, so if all the young dudes want to get real, they should remember that we're here today and gone tomorrow. So listen to the DJ and let's dance with the China girl. After a miracle goodnight, the next day will see me start a new career in a new town. It's ain't easy, but I'll just stay a queen bitch.

36
0

Caption this: Capita staff picket a bunch o'er pickled pensions

Laura Kerr
Megaphone

For Pink Floyd adherents

"Are there any permies in the audience tonight? Get them up against the wall."

5
0

No, the FCC can't shut down TV stations just because Donald Trump is mad at the news

Laura Kerr

Re: Whereas in the UK

"did I get the right amount of bile and vitriol."

No, you're far too restrained, and you can spell and punctuate. Epic fail. You want something like this:

Off CAUSEthey where FAKED!!!1!!, its WELL KNOWN that Crimewatch gets over TEN BILLION!!! viewers EVRY DAY thats being HALF!!! of the UK poplation. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!1!!!! you're country is being OVERUN and the pooplation figures are SYSTEMATICALLY UNDERreported in order to feed the CORBIN LOVING BBC.(Brish Brexti CON-Poration)!! FACT. WAKE UP AN SMEL THE COVFEFE!!!

5
0
Laura Kerr

Re: Hyperbole

"I thought Trump was his very own special interest"

He's certainly a bit 'special'.

15
0

US Congress mulls first 'hack back' revenge law. And yup, you can guess what it'll let people do

Laura Kerr

Re: Laura, and other "anti Yank" folks:

Two things, Jake:

1. I have visited the US, and seen more places than just the tourist hot-spots. I don't claim to understand the entire country, but I have seen more than just BBC pap and clickbait webshites.

2. Our house is well and truly screwed, agreed. I wouldn't trust our government to make a success of running a public lavatory, if the Brexit farce is anything to go by. That's why I returned home last year, as Holyrood still has a fighting chance of saving Scotland from disaster.

But dysfunctional governments aside, the difference between the left and right pondians is that we don't ponce around the world thinking we own the place and we also make it difficult for people to own firearms without having a legitimate need for them. We also take a dim view of vigilantism, which this proposed legislation appears to be encouraging.

I couldn't care less what the US does internally - those are matters between US citizens and their elected government. What I do care about is that government's attitude to the rest of the globe, as the cretin in the White House is quite capable of provoking a nuclear war. And that's something everyone, including Americans in the backwoods, should be concerned about, as radioactive particles and nuclear winter don't give a toss about your border security, or anyone else's, for that matter.

9
1
Laura Kerr
Mushroom

"Try NOT to piss off an America already-pissed off even more so than it already is!"

So it's a natural state of affairs that the rest of humanity must live in fear of that ignorant lout in the White House? I don't think so.

I'd happily see America descend into perpetual civil war, if that would stop Washington poking its nose into other countries' affairs.

8
0
Laura Kerr
Thumb Up

Re: An analogy

"Pretty soon everybody is shooting at everybody else, and the crazed gunman shits himself from laughter."

Taking that to its ultimate conclusion, the gunman wouldn't even need a gun. Just to let off some firecrackers, stand well back and watch everyone slaughter each other.

Anyone remember the film Hopscotch?

7
0
Laura Kerr

Re: erm isn't this what law enforcement is for?

"not me - I'd make sure they stared right into my eyeballs as I stare into theirs"

Unless, of course, they got in first and shot you from behind.

6
0

I love disruptive computer jargon. It's so very William Burroughs

Laura Kerr
Pint

"Leveraging a time unit"

I'm nicking that for the current script I'm writing. Well played, Mr Dabbs!

15
0

'There has never been a right to absolute privacy' – US Deputy AG slams 'warrant-proof' crypto

Laura Kerr

Re: "has never had a system where evidence...

Well, it has now. Bummer eh, Rod?

3
0

BYOD might be a hipster honeypot but it's rarely worth the extra hassle

Laura Kerr

Re: Why stop there?

People who really are on the bleeding edge will then go all the way with PYOW (Pay Your Own Wages). That one's gonna be big, I tell ya, huge!

12
0

The UK isn't ditching Boeing defence kit any time soon

Laura Kerr

Re: A curious note, thinking of the C17

And another. Well said, that man.

8
1

HPE sharpening the axe for 5,000 heads – report

Laura Kerr
Trollface

You forgot to include the icon -------------->

It's nothing to do with misogyny and everything to do with incompetence.

20
0

Top tip, hacker newbs: Don't use the same Skype ID for IoT bot herding and job ads

Laura Kerr

Re: stop posting shit about me its pissing me off

The nearest equivalent to 'tube' on your side of the pond is 'asshole'.

HTH, HAND.

0
0
Laura Kerr

Re: stop posting shit about me its pissing me off

You knew what you were doing, ya tube, so it serves you bloody well right.

0
0

'Driverless' lorry platoons will soon be on a motorway near you

Laura Kerr
Devil

My mischievous sense of humour...

... would compel me to hang a satellite dish over a motorway bridge and wave at the lead driver while brandishing a laptop.

1
0

Page:

The Register - Independent news and views for the tech community. Part of Situation Publishing