Re: Russell Brand
Please, please, please keep on giving Mr. Brand awards for talking utter bollocks his cunning wordsmithery - anything that acts as a distraction and stops him from appearing in another film can only be a good thing...
703 publicly visible posts • joined 17 Aug 2013
"No, it doesn't fly, it plummets."
True, it is a very plummety style of flying, but it's distinctly different to just dropping like a stone.
Ablative re-entry vehicles are shaped to act as lifting bodies when they hit the atmosphere at the correct angle, and will follow a shallower path than if they were on a ballistic trajectory and so encounter significantly gentler deceleration (i.e. about 50%.)
Ask a cosmonaut who's just been through an 8-10 G ballistic Soyuz re-entry if they can tell the difference (it has happened a couple of times when they've got it slightly wrong) and they're likely to throw the empty bottle of vodka at you once they've downed it in one gulp...
"The idea that life came here by meteorite theory gets a boost but only by something less than IEEE754 32bit smallest number."
You say that as if the idea is absolutely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable...
Re-usable rocketry and marine landings my arse.
Look at that boat deck - Elon Musk is clearly attempting to get a head start in the soon-to-be-announced interplanetary darts championship, while those steerable wings look suspiciously like orbital ping pong paddles to me...
<C&C_CHNL_3> - Hi Philae, how are the power levels? How are you doing?
<PHILAE_UP_LNK_4> - Not too impressed if I'm honest, Control. Here's me sitting on a frikkin' comet after a 10 year, 4 billion mile journey that's included a Mars flyby, and all you idiot humans are talking about is Taylor's shirt!
<C&C_CHNL_3> - Yeah, sorry about that. He cried and everything. On the bright side though, we think we can use either a leg retraction or gyro spin manoeuvre to bounce you away from that cliff and back into sunlight. We're running through the maths right now.
<PHILAE_UP_LNK_4> - No way, Control, no way! Let me power down in peace with some dignity intact. You know what'll happen - despite all we've achieved, I'll forever be remembered as the robotic lander called 'Skippy'...
He said: "While the Central Bank recognises that IT outsourcing is a feature of modern banking business, outsourcing is no defence for regulatory failings."
This. And some.
One of the inherent problems of outsourcing is not necessarily the fact that is done to save money, it is the derogation of responsibility that accompanies it. If your answer to one of the following questions...
'Why is our website not fit for purpose?'
'Why are all our services offline?'
'Why are our wards filthy?'
'Why is our shiny new public sector IT system not working?'
...is "Well, not really my fault, our suppliers have let us down", then whether you're a banking, corporate or NHS manager, a council planner or a senior civil servant, the only sensible retort i.e. the only one that will get rid of those Teflon shoulder pads, is...
"This is YOUR responsibility. Whether it's been outsourced or not. Therefore YOU haven't done YOUR job. There's the door. And don't forget to leave your access card and pension on the way out..."
"Sonar? In space?"
Yes, sonar will work perfectly well through ice and/or rock once the craft is in physical contact with the comet.
Alternatively, it's space sonar modelled on British linguistic behaviour when in foreign climes - it will modulate slowly but very, very loudly...
Yup, my first reaction to this story was to get all unnecessary about foreign judicial systems and how utterly ridiculous they can be.
Then I remembered that I live in a country where you can be prosecuted, fined and lose your job for joking about airports on social media, and I shut up.
Laws and asses etc...
"Build our own government IT team. It's the best way to fix this"
What!? But that would mean civil servants or ministers having to take responsibility for the success or failure of government IT projects!
Go wash your mouth out, you're making far too much sense...
"I think if you are gay, the prostate takes a bit of a pounding, where as straight would have much less."
I don't know about that, I'm straight and it feels like my prostate gets a thorough pounding from senior management every time the annual pay & performance reviews come around, and I don't even get the option of using lube...
"I'm glad we've got people like you, innovating and keeping technology moving forward."
Agreed, what a luddite. If Apple had just gone with the crowd and used boring and predictable alternatives like Gorilla glass, we wouldn't have innovative new technologies like bendy glass. <Cough>
OK, OK, I'm going. Mine's the one with the very big, loose pockets...
The best reply-all response to one of these internal corporate mail storms I've seen is:
"Please unsubscribe me from this mailing list. And if anyone else uses the reply-all button, the bunny gets it."
At which point, predictably, HR stepped in with their own reply-all response...
Dear Netflix,
You want Chaos? You want controlled failure injection? Please do pay a visit to Whitehall, we have many experts on the subject with regards to civil service IT projects, who would love to experience your generous severance package.
Take as many as you'd like. No, really, please...
"It is just a new miles high club with no sharp corners"
Interesting idea in a microgravity environment allowing free floating fluids. Ewww....
Mine's the ISS lab coat with the wet patch on the back, and no I don't know who did it or how it got there Goddammit...
"I never heard that one but if they really are I would like to see the first report on their performance to see if they are racist."
The robot cop's direct supervisor, Lieutenant NY225TS609, spoke to reporters earlier today.
"It seems that the first responder at the scene, Officer TR88865BK3, may have picked up inappropriate phraseology from human colleagues, and will need to be sent off for re-education. However, I can categorically state that there is no evidence that the first words through his megaphone were -
Comply with the directive and place the cutting implement on the ground, you scummy, organics-eating, sexually-reproducing humo..."
In an interview earlier today, Facebook CTO Mike Schroepfer issued the following statement:-
'We take the concerns and frustrations of our users very seriously, and are working to ensure that the comfort and mental well-being of everyone on Facebook is our highest priority.
Oh, and have a banana. Go on, dance, monkey, dance...'
"So you're saying that Dr. Who isn't an entertainment program, but a documentary?"
The documentary version is available separately from BBC Worldwide.
It features 30 minutes of footage of a Doctor Who costumed Peter Capaldi pointing his Sonic Screwdriver at the camera and shouting in his best psychotic Glaswegian, 'Kiss my sweaty balls you fat fuck'...
FCC Boss - 2.3 million? Excellent, tell 'em that guarantees them a seat at the table when the bidding war <cough> I mean discussion starts.
FCC Underling - Erm, sorry, that's 2.3 million emails to Congress, Sir.
FCC Boss - Emails? I thought they said dollars. Oh well, at least it's not us having to delete them all...
What worries me, looking at recent Australian politicians' decisions on net censorship, is that there's a possibility that they might actually listen to this utter guff that BBC Worldwide management are coming out with.
The thought that worries me even more is that the locals could eventually decide that enough is enough, and deport said clueless politicos back to dear old Blighty in revenge for for certain - ahem - 'export policies' we had with regards to Australia in the past, and I can't say I'd blame them...
"with the payload now containing a toxin (probably sourced from a rare orchid) designed to be released into the upper atmosphere?"
That's us stuffed then, with no more space shuttles for a certain Mr. Bond to shoot them down with.
And, what's worse, no chance for a certain secret service boffin to come out with the timeless classic "I think he's attempting re-entry Sir..."
Pfft! Naughts and crosses? It's obviously the corner of a pre-historic scrabble board, and if they have a proper look at the contents of the previously undisturbed sediments, they'll find the remains of a small bag and the following letters:-
W H A T D O Y O U G E T I F Y O U M U L T I P L Y S I X B Y N I N E
F O R T Y T W O
"Speak for yourself, I'm keeping my trunks on while out sunbathing."
I'm sorry, but if yours is visible from space, then you've actually got a trunk in your trunks and you need to go and see a urologist.
Alternatively, you could make a small fortune as a novelty act with your nearest travelling circus...
"What kind of dog is it?"
Sounds like a relative of Dogbert. And he's probably highly peeved that his human is referring to him as 'my dog'.
(Apologies in advance for the assumption of male gender for aforesaid canine - this is due to 1.) laziness and 2.) the fact that the OP used the word 'dog' and not 'bitch', even though the use of 'bitch' might have made the post's meaning slightly ambiguous in an unfortunate hippity hoppity kind of way.)
Speaking of which, it's heart-warming to know that Mr. Jay-Z has plenty of canine friends despite his numerous woes in life...
"And you could let it go and do other stuff during the day, instead of sitting at the station. And lots of other things."
- Excuse me sir, are you the registered owner of a light coloured 2 door saloon with registration OFP 857?
- Yes that's right officer, it's parked in my garage. What seems to be the problem?
- I'm afraid you'll need to come down to the station with me sir - that vehicle was involved in an armed robbery less than 2 hours ago.
- <Yells> Herbie! Get out here right now! What did I say about moonlighting as a getaway car when I'm at work? You are so grounded...
""Everything's shit now. It was better when I was a lad." - every old fart ever."
Utter bollocks. When I were a lad the only music we had was the plink plonk of the crows pecking at the piano strings we were hung up by, accompanied by the dulcet tones of my dear old dad starting up the chainsaw.
And we were glad of it. Etc...