* Posts by Nolveys

811 publicly visible posts • joined 6 Nov 2012

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Ditch your Macs, Dell tells EMC staff

Nolveys

Re: "stickers are being considered as a way to disguise Macs"

Turn your BS detector on. I know it runs down the batteries but FFS.

And risk another lithium fire on my crotch? No thank you.

Happy Sysadmin Day!

Nolveys

This year marks the 17th annual sysadmin day and with any luck 17-fold increase in appreciation...

What's seventeen times zero again?

Cats, dogs starve as web-connected chow chute PetNet plays dead

Nolveys

Re: Even if it did store the configuration locally

although it appears the water left in the bottom of the shower tastes better.

Everyone knows that the best water comes from the toilet.

Dolly the sheep clones have aged well, say scientists

Nolveys

It's too bad they didn't mention the time the research team got drunk and drove around in the country, implanting random cows with clones of Jim Carrey.

Harrison Ford's leg, in the Star Wars film, with the Millennium Falcon door

Nolveys

Re: Be advised: Doors in Star Wars may close prematurely or not at all.

And why does the door need that many Newtons?

I was wondering about that too. You'd think there would be some safety built into the door itself. It's not like it's a garbage masher or anything.

MS warns of ..WSF file worm

Nolveys

Re: Not sure how this changes anything

Shouldn't that be "overestimate"?

Free Windows 10 upgrade: Time is running out – should you do it?

Nolveys

Re: am i the only one resisting this

Wsus offline seems a good solution to the freshly fucked win7 update system. I learned this after an incredibly painful night trying to resurrect a fairly critical box.

I don't buy the DNS malarkey. Windows update has worked pretty damn well for years (the update program, not necessarily the updates themselves) and suddenly it's completely screwed everywhere at the same time that MS is installing malware on its customers^W victims computers?

I'll probably need to run 8 and 10 for testing purposes at some point. Those will be virtual and outgoing connections other than those required for the specific tests will be logged and dropped.

Apple Watch craze over before it started: Wrist-puter drags market screaming off a cliff

Nolveys

Re: Could be...

You're just wearing it wrong.

The band is too small for me. I guess I just have a really big head.

Tesla's Model S autonomous mode may have saved a life

Nolveys

Meanwhile, at Microsoft...

"So, I can't help but notice that the test car is driving over the pedestrian dummy, switching into reverse, backing over it and then driving forward over it again and again and again. How long until this bug gets fixed?"

"What do you mean by 'bug'? Management told us to make it work this way, they say it makes for a better user experience. For version 10 we're going to make it so that one pair of tires always goes over the genitals."

What will laws on self-driving cars look like? Think black boxes and 'minimum attention'

Nolveys

Re: Pointless and expensive technology

The point of autonomous vehicles is that they should react far more quickly and appropriately than humans

"Hey, why is the car phoning the coroner? OH SHI-"

We ain't in 1996 anymore, Dorothy: SQL Server 2016 proves it

Nolveys

There is no need to backup the cloud part of the table, Microsoft will do that for you...

That's nice.

Me drops half a key of pure Colombian cocaine into a burlap sack full of badgers, beats the sack against a brick wall until it's a flailing, screaming ball of pure rage, secures the frayed and ancient straw cord draw string with a poorly tied granny knot and throws it in the back seat of a car.

Me then gets in the driver seat of the car, on which the sunroof, radio, instrument cluster, steering, breaks, engine and exhaust system are totally buggered and goes barrelling down the autobahn at 160km/h.

Extortion trojan watches until crims find you doing something dodgy

Nolveys

Re: "chewing conspicuous quantities of resources on some victims' machines"

Oh, you mean acting like Norton anti-virus then.

It can't be that bad. Even virus writers have some dignity.

Microsoft silently kills dev backdoor that boots Linux on locked-down Windows RT slabs

Nolveys

Re: Again, "Secure Boot" is not a security feature...

It keeps you from running a minimalistic simple operating system which would be more secure than Windows RT

Windows RT should be pretty secure, who in their right mind would bother trying to hack it?

Linus Torvalds in sweary rant about punctuation in kernel comments

Nolveys

Comments are a pain to write

It's a lot easier to add all the comments all at once by copying them from random open source code. Doing it all at once minimizes the time spent working on comments as well as the time spent checking in code from other people's desks.

Mozilla emits nightly builds of heir-to-Firefox browser engine Servo

Nolveys

Re: Let me get my hands on the idiot

I wish I had more up votes for you.

I don't mind the drop down with suggestions, but once I press enter the browser should try to resolve whatever I have entered and that's it. If I enter the host name "clatto" then the browser should try to resolve "clatto", not "clatto.com", not "www.clatto.com" and it sure as hell shouldn't do a damn web search for "clatto".

Humans and bees share the same sociability genes

Nolveys

The problem with Canada? The price of broadband is too damn high

Nolveys

Re: C51 product of Harper's Conservatives, .: loathe Trudeau's Liberals

This loathing only makes sense if you loathe even more Harper and his Conservatives,

They're both garbage.

No means no: Windows 10 nagware's red X will stop update – Microsoft

Nolveys

You should give Terry Myerson credit where it's due, it's got to be hard to make such a coherent statement while simultaneously shoving a box copy of Windows 10 up the arse of a screaming, kicking donkey.

Twitter buys Magic Pony

Nolveys

I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. Now use the magic sparkle brush to brush my pretty pony hair. Reducing atmospheric oxygen concentration to 0% in Magic Pony Dream Castle. Have a nice day.

Hey cloud lawyer: Can I take my client list with me?

Nolveys

Re: Doing naughty things 101

Memory sticks are pretty easy to keister too, if security's tight.

Kids these days have it easy, I still have nightmares about smuggling data on 3.5" disks.

Kill Flash now. Or patch these 36 vulnerabilities. Your choice

Nolveys

Re: Not just the BEEB

Pandora, too. A real shame.

Another big one is Happy Wheels.

Wales gives anti-vaping Blockleiters a Big Red Panic Button

Nolveys

Re: second hand vaping

Because you just know this won't have cost £500 to install. It's the NHS after all...

The integrated fingerprint reader and internet connection bring the cost up, as does administration of the associated National Wanker Database.

McDonald's says bigger fonts cooked up improved profits

Nolveys

Re: Really? Fonts?

It's peeeeeeople!!!

I preferred their other slogan, "Did somebody say diabetic retinopathy"?

Bing web searches may reveal you have cancer (so, er, don't use Bing?)

Nolveys

Brain cancer?

Hooves in spaaace: Goat Simulator goes galactic

Nolveys

I am glad that you were behooven to clarify that.

Are bearded blokes more sexist?

Nolveys

More Research To Be Done

These studies say nothing of women's decisions to shave legs and pits. And what of our good friends back hair and male pattern baldness? Do the gorgeous locks growing from my butt speak to a subconscious hatred of women?

Pusher's purist: Five steps to reaching your DevOps zen

Nolveys
Alert

6. An MBA.

7. A full frontal lobotomy.

8. A dump truck load of blow.

Bay Area man forced out of his $400 box home

Nolveys
Thumb Up

Gubment To The Rescue.

Look at the placement of the thing, it's just begging for someone to come around and start a fire right next to it. Even if a chain-linked fence or razor wire was installed to keep the fire starters away there's still the concern of spontaneous human combustion. Also, a table is sitting within arms length of the thing. That table is made of wood and could explode into flame any second.

And think of the potential effects of letting people do as they please in their own homes. Building boxes? Do you know what comes in boxes? Bombs, guns, smut and satanic literature.

They should lock that guy up along with the owners of the residence and throw away the key.

Thank goodness we have government to protect us from ourselves!

French thrash Brits, Germans and Portuguese in IT innovation

Nolveys
Mushroom

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

Nolveys

Re: Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

How do you suppose they will move it from the ocean to the Mountain Dew factory?

George Bush naked selfie hacker Guccifer gets his day in US court

Nolveys
Happy

"No matter where they are in the world, those who commit crimes against U.S. citizens will be held accountable for their actions, pursued by our investigators and prosecutors and brought to justice."

That's good to hear. So how long until those responsible for the rampant fraud involved in the 2007-8 mortgage collapse are brought to justice?

Courts cry over cunning call-center criminals crafting convincing cons

Nolveys
Devil

Re: Keep them talking

I like to do that with phone scum too. I once had someone trying to get me to email or fax them financial information, I managed to keep them on the phone for an hour and a half. Firstly I continuously sent them emails (from a bs account, of course) with the attachment missing and acted surprised each time the guy I was talking to told me that there was no attachment. I then emailed a specimen that I got off of google images and which I pixelated to the point where it was just barely not legible. Then the upside-down version of same image, then sideways, then more pixelated. On to the fax machine...

He finally gave up on email and asked me to fax the information and, after the requisite seven minutes required to send a non-existent fax on a non-existent fax machine, I triumphantly told them that I had sent the fax. The person on the other end had to leave his desk to check the fax machine. He eventually got back and told me that he hadn't gotten the fax, so I "sent it" again. After about five attempts he asked me what the display on my non-existent fax machine said, I said "load error 372". He spent *forever* trying to trouble-shoot my fax machine I finally used an online faxing service to send them the same pixelated image from earlier, followed by 30 pages of pure black.

The person I was talking to, in spite of the pixelization, eventually realized that I was faxing him the wrong version of the document he was looking for and called me on it. I replied, through thinly veiled laughter "hold please" and proceeded to give myself a hernia as I listened to him screaming obscenities.

Successful DevOps? You'll need some new numbers for that

Nolveys
Thumb Up

Successfully introducing a DevOps paradigm realignment to your team members or "vision actualization professionals" can be challenging, but it's worth implementing this result-oriented, future-thinking archetype. They say that there's no "silver bullet", but a proper transition to DevOps will result in a quantum increase in strategic gain conceptualization, as numerous industry surveys can attest.

Intravenous hangover clinics don't work, could land you in hospital

Nolveys

Vitamin C?

I thought that going to sleep with a saline drip was the correct method for hangover prevention.

'I bet Russian hackers weren't expecting their target to suck so epically hard as this'

Nolveys
Headmaster

Re: Nicely deadpan

Lemme see, he measured the speed of his current PC and *worked out the number that would now be required ...

import_time

def_myDelay(seconds):

________start=time.time()

________count=0

________while_time.time()-start<1:

________________count+=1

________for_i_in_range(seconds-1):

________________for_j_in_range(count):

________________________pass

def_getTomorrowsDate():

________myDelay(24*60*60)

________return_time.localtime()

Forget Tiger Woods – here's Cyber Woods: Robot golfer hits hole-in-one during tournament

Nolveys
Terminator

I liked the pitcher bot better...

...though this one probably took more skill to make, the pitcher bot was just a modified howitzer.

Windows 10 will now automatically download and install on PCs

Nolveys
Windows

Re: All this has done

I too have completely disabled Windows Update on all my boxen...

Several customers of mine have done that too. I'm talking about normal people here, not members of El Reg's readership.

Microsoft is pissing off a LOT of people.

Brit airline pilots warn of drone menace

Nolveys

Re: How bad?

Don't they test those jets by firing frozen turkeys into the engines?

That's how they test to see if anyone remembered to thaw the turkey.

Microsoft releases deep learning toolkit on GitHub. Now bring on the AI research

Nolveys
Terminator

Re: Didn't they make a film about this?

No one will know what to make of it when a cyborg who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger storms a police station, killing everyone in his path with an automatic weapon, repeating again and again "It looks like you're writing a letter! It looks like you're writing a letter! It looks like you're writing a letter!..."

SpaceX: launch, check. Landing? Needs work

Nolveys
Happy

Re: Quick Fix??

They need to get some Reliant Robin owners on staff, they'll know what to do.

Seriously though, the fact that they've pulled this off once and almost a second time is exceptional. Kudos to SpaceX, I'm really looking forward to see what the future holds for them.

Hacks rebel after bosses secretly install motion sensors under desks

Nolveys
Boffin

Cool Tech

In addition to sensing motion and heat the upcoming OccupEye® 4000 will also use a large bore needle to take fluid samples every 15 minutes.

Jenkins issues code of conduct to keep rowdy automation fans in line

Nolveys

Re: "Sexualised language"

I think it has to do with using inappropriate metaphors to help thrust forward one's argumentative position and to help penetrate people's perception more deeply, particularly when hard truths need to be conveyed.

Hacked OPM won't cough up documents on mega-breach – claim

Nolveys
Trollface

Congress should just buy the documents from China, I understand that goods from China are usually very reasonably priced. Of course, they'd probably have to buy 100 copies in order to justify the shipping costs.

Microsoft's 200 million 'Windows 10' 'devices' include Lumias, Xboxes

Nolveys
Gimp

The Windows 10 Experience

A lot of people have asked me if they should upgrade to Windows 10. It's a hard question for me to answer as user experiences tend to be very subjective.

Luckily there's a way to sample The Windows 10 Experience without actually installing the software:

The Windows 10 Experience Preview System

T'was the night before Christmas, and an industrial control system needed an upgrade

Nolveys
Windows

Re: “A less than really sharp manager agreed,”

I considered a job in management, but then I learned that I would have to undergo two medical procedures. First the brain is removed, then the spine.

How to build a real lightsabre

Nolveys
Flame

How Not To Do It.

I once tried to make a light sabre by blowing a mix of aluminium and iron oxide dust through a tube that ended with a mapp-oxygen pilot light. Management was not impressed when five employees went running around a shareholder's meeting, completely engulfed in flame. Luckily there were no witnesses.

Apply online to go to Mars. No, seriously

Nolveys
Flame

Re: Only Americans?

It would be far better if the first human on Mars was Donald Trump! Preferably tomorrow and alone.

Nah, he'll be on the ship that will be headed toward the sun.

IETF's older white men urged to tone it down

Nolveys

Women would have a much easier time in this culture if they'd learn to use their lirpas properly. It's their own fault for never attending pon farrs.

Mozilla: Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Thunderbirds are – gone

Nolveys
Gimp

Re: Mozilla awash with money IIRC

It's always been nearly impossible to get bugs fixed.

There are quite a few weird bugs in the IMAP implementation on top of the general slowness. One really nice one I ran into a few months ago happens when moving messages from IMAP to local, TB will create a zero-length record at the destination and then will delete the source. It turns out that bug has been around for years and years.

I've never really liked TB, but it's always seemed like the best of a set of exceptionally bad options. Why are email clients all such bags of rot?

IT pros are a bunch of wedding and funeral-dodging sickos

Nolveys
Windows

Re: Miserable me

My requests for time to write decent documentation have been ignored

I used to try to convey documentation to whomever was (in theory) ultimately responsible. The same thing always happened, the person I handed the docs to would call "here, Chompy-chompy-chompy!" in order to summon the office goat which would devour the documentation.

Now I just write documentation for myself and, in theory, whoever the poor f&*k is who comes after me. If it's small enough I'll stick it to the device/server/whatever that it pertains to. Otherwise I'll print out a cover sheet with big, bold letters exclaiming "DOCUMENTATION FOR THING". Then I'll put it in a clipboard and nail the clipboard to a wall as close to THING as I can get it.

Another consistent phenomenon occurs when I use the phrase "I'm going to explain something to you, this is something that you really need to know...". The person or people I'm talking to will tip their heads slightly to the side, their mouths will part and their eyes will stare off into infinity. Looking into their pupils I will see things like sports games, episodes of Lost and the like. Once I saw half a dozen clowns going "doo-doo-dee-doo-doo-doo-de-doo--honk-honk" as they sat astride thermonuclear bombs that were dropping onto Moscow. I still have these "conversations" though, with my phone in my shirt pocket set to record audio. That way I have some recourse when someone gets angry with me because I didn't tell them not to douse the office with gasoline and light it on fire.

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