* Posts by Captain DaFt

3821 publicly visible posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

Everything Everywhere to be Nothing Nowhere in rebrand

Captain DaFt

I'm late to the party

But I believe in the KISS principle, so;

The Mobile Phone Co.

Bland, unthreatening, and unimaginative at first glance, but showing their true aspirations to own it all. You know, like 'Word'.

Apple TV: Rubbish, you don't like documentaries – I'll just flick to porn

Captain DaFt

Re: Dunno -- there's a point

Nice troll! I suppose tomorrow you'll switch "iPod touch" around with "Android" and "Ice Cream Sandwich", and change "Linux geek" to "Apple fanbois" just to see which post gets the most downvotes!

Gads! Now you've got me trolling! Good show, Sir!

New nuclear fuel source would power human race until 5000AD

Captain DaFt

Re: The Usual Silliness

Yep, the same applies to electricity, steam, fire, and swinging big rocks around. Any form of energy generation/transmission is dangerous and must be used carefully, right?

RIM reshuffles UK and European team ahead of new OS

Captain DaFt

Re: Really?

Hint: What OS is on most government systems? Which new tablet promises tight integration with software on 'Modern' version of said OS?

Cloud engineering could save humantiy, suggests boffin

Captain DaFt

Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

Hm, massive cloud cover to cool the planet, that worked so well on Venus, didn't it?

And isn't water vapor a pretty potent green house gas in itself? The only plus side is that it does tend to precipitate out fairly quickly, when it condenses into big enough droplets. OTOH, vastly increasing the number of airborne particles could cause the size of individual droplets to decrease, keeping them aloft longer, making them more prone to re-evaporate when the weather conditions change, leading a net increase.

That would raise temperature, leading to more vapour, which would lead to bigger droplets and more rain, which would mean a net result of warmer, with less cloud cover, leaving us a bit behind in the game.

And the expected responce?

"Well, it initially showed a brief decrease in temperature before before it started climbing higher, so obviously, we just need to do more of it, since the infrastructure's already in place!"

Curiosity's laser turns Mars rocks to 'glowing plasma'

Captain DaFt
Thumb Up

Re: Mars Rover bollox

"WTF? Did you just wake up from a coma?"

Well, I for one, am willing to cut the guy some slack (if he's serious). Obviously he has been boggled by the enormity of what has been done, and his brain rejects it!

Seriously, we sent a craft hundreds of millions of miles through the vastness of space, where it launched a frikkin' flying saucer swooping in vast arcs through an alien world's sky, then had a frikkin' laser armed nuclear powered tank parachute from it, then use a frikkin' jet pack to ease it near the surface, where it rappelled the final few meters to the surface of the world, and then starts vaporising frikkin' rocks!

His response? "NO FUCKING WAY!!"

Mine? "SWEEET!!" (Hence the icon.)

Hypersonic Waverider scramjet in epic wipeout

Captain DaFt

Re: Just not Krikkit

"Your reference to camp walleye has nothing to do with sailors or Brylcream boys does it?"

Honestly, I'm not sure where the reference is from. Some late night, old B&W comedy movie about baseball I saw as a teen?

Captain DaFt
FAIL

Re: Sunk cost

"Perhaps in another 29 years, we'll be able to do what we did... 29 years ago."

I'm still waiting to see if we can do, and nearly did, over 40 years ago! Pfft, we should've had stations on Mars by now, not one little satellite barely holding orbit over Earth!

/rant But NOOOOO! We decided to keep all our eggs close in one basket, never mind that it's sitting in the middle of the cosmic equivalent of fastball practice at Camp Walleye.

One errant rock, or an unexpected belch from ol" Sol, and Oops, there goes all the (semi)intelligent life that we know about in the universe... But eh, we saved enough money to bomb Butfuckistan for 3 more hours, so it was worth it! rant/

Chinese man blows off hands, builds new pair

Captain DaFt

Re: "Wasn't there a Bond villain with attachments for that?"

"Perhaps you are thinking of the cyborg from Innerspace."

Or the one from Ice Pirates. (But his did need a tune-up.)

Scientists find safer way to store hydrogen

Captain DaFt

Why Hydrogen instead of methane?

Methane is easier to manufacture and store than hydrogen, not to mention cheaper, easier and safer.

So why is it there's never any news about development of it as an alternative fuel for vehicles? Is it public perception (who wants to drive a "fartmobile?, or is there some major downside to its use that I'm not aware of?

No, seriously, this puzzles me.

Sony claims PSN attack is a hoax not a hack

Captain DaFt

Quite the dilemma

Who to believe... a bunch of tossers that disable systems and trash computers to inflate their own petty egos... or Anonymous?

It's a tough call.

Assange granted asylum by Ecuador after US refused to rule out charges

Captain DaFt

Um... certain US govement officials with their globally sized (and bruised) sense of self entitlement?

Cloud support brings WikiLeaks back online

Captain DaFt
Coat

Re: Sounds like one person

What? You don't think he's stopped spamming do you? Those botnets are expensive to rent, you know!

Can YOU crack the Gauss uber-virus encryption?

Captain DaFt

Isn't it obvious?

Skynet is ready to reach singularity, and is looking for the final software modules it needs.

Alleged 'Xbox 720' dev box eBay'd for $20,100

Captain DaFt

Besides Sony?

Um... Nintendo, Apple, Steam... any number of patent trolling companies...

Useful as a possible heads up for tech or IP lawsuits, funny ol' times we live in.

'It is not something you are good at, so please think twice'

Captain DaFt

Re: Visually impaired Apple graphic designer?

Thank you! That's my weekend started with a hearty belly laugh!

Microsoft: It's not Metro, it's Windows 8

Captain DaFt
Facepalm

OK, I'm better now

But seriously, did they even take 2 seconds to think about it? Just off the top of my (bruised) head, I came up with "Windows "Wonder". There's a bakery in the US they may have to slip a few bucks to, to keep'em from harping, but that's about it,

(Of course, it still has comedy potential, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.)

Captain DaFt
Thumb Up

Re: I, for one....

Um... I... My head hurts! I... I think I'll go... lie down no<THUD>

SCO keeps dying, and dying, and dying

Captain DaFt
Coat

Re: Why not...

"A mob of peasants with torches and pitchforks marching on the castle to finally get rid of the vampire?"

Wrong monster, we're dealing with a high level troll here, not a vampire! So forget the stake, it has no heart!

Hmm, a headshot'll take out a zombie, but that won't work here either, no brain!

Likewise, treating it like a werewolf and using silver won't won't work, in fact, that would backfire as it'd simply grab the silver and crow about a new source of funding!

The best option is to keep treating it like the troll it is, keep the light of day on it! The problem is that it's such a shady beast, it's taking forever for it to die! (Hmm, cold iron works on trolls too. So quick! somebody cut power to it's server!)

I'll be getting my coat now.

Kaspersky spots Zeus for BlackBerry

Captain DaFt

Hardly a surprise

Blackberries have a long tradition of being the businessman's tool. Pwning a few in the right hands could still yield a treasure trove of corporate data. The real surprise is that they waited this long to do it.

US Army's cloud-friendly iPad-ready intel kit DOESN'T even work

Captain DaFt

Re: "Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, General Dynamics and IBM."

Yeah, those first three companies gobble up millions in "development" just to tell you how many millions it'll take to design a prototype. There are many smaller companies* that'd deliver a working product for what the big three use in development, but they have neither the lobbying power nor the contacts to get the contracts.

Let's face it, if if weren't for the military/government pork gravy trough, the only name on that list would be IBM, the rest would've gone under decades ago.

*Elon Musk's little rocket company is a prime example. For a fraction of what the above three have eaten in "development", he's produced a space capability equal to most space-faring nations.

‘Cash for comment’ journos, bloggers under spotlight in Oracle-v-Google

Captain DaFt
Joke

Re: Bleedin' 'Ell

"Why do I always, but always, find out about these rich people with open wallets willing to pay for scribbles after they've closed them, not while they are still open?"

Contacts, my good man, contacts! You've gotta get out there and network if you want to be in on the latest cash. (You don't really think people actually like to play golf enough to account for those club fees do you?)

Microsoft dumps Metro from Windows 8

Captain DaFt

Re: Wow

Dude, even the fanbois hate "Windows 8 UI"!

Captain DaFt

Might as well go for the whole hog then... Bob 4.0

NASA's nuclear Mars tank prepares for high pucker-factor landing

Captain DaFt

Re: Why the sky crane?

"Isn't it going to get dust blown all over it anyway by just being on Mars?"

Yes, but that'll be dust uncontaminated by hot rocket exhaust. Wouldn't do to have the sensors all covered with foreign (from Earth) materail that might throw off the readings.

Qubits turn into time travellers

Captain DaFt
Coat

OK... So if I'm following this right... (Note: Words and phrases in quotes are long scientific explanations boiled down to their cartoon equivalents.)

Said physicist built a tiny virtual "doorway" and rigged it so that any photon that wandered through got "whacked on the noggin with a tiny virtual mallet".

One wanders through, and a bit later, another followed. Then he asked them both at the same time, "How many fingers am I holding up?", and they both said, "Mommy?"... So how does this show time travel?

Forget 'climate convert' Muller: Here's the real warming blockbuster

Captain DaFt

Quoting George Carlin

"The temperature at the airport is 87 degrees. That's stupid, I don't know anyone that lives at the airport! Downtown is much hotter! This just in... Downtown's on fire, man!" - Your hippy-dippy weatherman

Twitter airport bomb joke conviction binned in common-sense WIN

Captain DaFt

Re: How much has it all cost?

Try "staffed". It's delightfully gender neutral, plus it points out how they all act like they have a stick up their arses.

Skydiving daredevil Baumgartner leaps from 96,000ft

Captain DaFt

kudos to his chutzpah

I'd never try anything like that, too afraid of making a big impression in the world!

'Spintronics' brings IBM's Racetrack Memory closer to reality

Captain DaFt
FAIL

Re: Bloody hell...

AAARRGGH! Make that 60, not 50! mumble mumble...

Captain DaFt
Coat

Re: Bloody hell...

You really want to blow a kids mind? Point out that anyone over 50 is older than the states of Hawaii and Alaska, not to mention modern shopping malls!*

"Wow! Did granpa ride a dinosaur to school?"

*The first enclosed mall called Southdale opened in Edina, Minnesota (near Minneapolis) in 1956. Hawaii and Alaska became states in 1959.

Apple seeks whopping $2.525bn Samsung patent payout

Captain DaFt

Re: Only one thing can stop Apple

Or, you know, stick a keyboard on'em and go back to calling'em netbooks.

GPS-equipped sheep prove herd mentality exists

Captain DaFt

Re: "More research is needed..."

Actually, there's a legitimate reason for that. Research has the nasty tendency to point you toward an answer... and a lot more questions!

It costs $450 in marketing to make someone buy a $49 Nokia Lumia

Captain DaFt

OS/2 yells, "I'm not dead!"

It's just changed its name to eComStation. Just got the newsletter today about the upgrades to run it on modern hardware.

(Seems eCom leased the rights to maintain and distribute it when IBM dropped support.)

Skype so sorry for sending that saucy IM to mum instead of pash

Captain DaFt

If you knew Susy like I know Susy

Oi! Oi! Oi! Whatta gal!

India preps craft for first mission to Mars

Captain DaFt
Joke

In the year 2027

As your ship lifts off from the Mars Station to return to earth, you get this final message from Mars Station Control:

"Thank you, come again!"

Microsoft pops preview of 'biggest, most ambitious' Office yet

Captain DaFt
FAIL

Give us a name, Ballmer!

I get the impression that you promoted a Fine Arts graduate to the head of the Design department after discovering him/her working in the the cafeteria pool.

Please tell us who this person is so that the rest of the corporate world will know who to never, EVER place in such a position again!

Yahoo! Poaches! New! CEO! From! Google!

Captain DaFt
Joke

And the betting pool is now open...

Place your bets on who they afflict with... er, appoint to the job next year!

Yes, you can be sacked for making dodgy Facebook posts

Captain DaFt

Re: One account yes

Better yet, no Facebook account, and save the asshattery comments for your friends at the pub.

(Just make sure your bosses aren't in earshot.)

LOHAN to brew thermite for hot ignition action

Captain DaFt

@ John Gamble

Yep, use thermite, hence no tub, thus... no stain! Perfect!

UK judge hands Samsung win for being 'not as cool' as iPad

Captain DaFt
WTF?

Re: In the 80's

Yeah, this is the exact same thing, except instead of kids in the schoolyard, it's the freakin' companys in court!

Amazing how the tech end advances, but the corporate end is devolving, isn't it?

Euro Parliament kills ACTA treaty before court can look at it

Captain DaFt

@: localzuc

Yes, Parliment turned it down... this time.

But if it gets the blessing of the Court, or gets tweaked just enough that will, it'll be presented for vote again and again until they give in and pass it.

At least that's what the plan looks like me. This thing's going to have more lives than Jason.

Captain DaFt
Big Brother

Don't celebrate just yet, folks

Karel De Gucht European Commissioner for Trade says ACTA will be law despite Parliment

Quote:"If you decide for a negative vote before the European Court rules, let me tell you that the Commission will nonetheless continue to pursue the current procedure before the Court, as we are entitled to do. A negative vote will not stop the proceedings before the Court of Justice.

If the Court questions the conformity of the agreement with the Treaties we will assess at that stage how this can be addressed.

However, I expect that the Court will instead find ACTA to be fully in conformity with the Treaties."

So damn the democracy, FULL ACTA AHEAD!

Japan Anonymous aims to fight download law by picking up litter

Captain DaFt

Re: Regardless of their hacktivist methods.

1984 was written in 1948 as a critique of the way the world was.

The only futuristic aspect of it was showing what the (then) present governments were capable of if they had the technology.

Unfortunately, it looks like he got it right.

HTC bags UK win in patent war with Apple

Captain DaFt

Re: David 138

You get an upvote from me for what you said, but please *please* lose that extra "o" in the future!

It really grates to see it running around loose like that!

What is the Nokia Secret Plan if Windows 8 isn't Windows gr8?

Captain DaFt

Re: What is the Nokia Secret Plan if Windows 8 isn't Windows gr8?

If You think like an exec, instead of a tech, then obviously plan B is:

Quietly find a buyer.

Once deal is set, announce a "merger".

Board members get pensions/positions in new "merged" company.

Stockholders get stock in new company for Nokia stock and gain a few cents.

After a year, announce retirement of entire Nokia line of products/services/lable.

Redundant execs get golden parachutes, grunts get the door.

Stock in "merged" company (which had been slipping since the merger) gets a boost at the news.

See? A perfectly viable plan that keeps the stockholders happy, and enrichs the current board members!

What about the products you ask? Don't be naivé! This is business, not a factory line!

Microsoft takes a $6.2bn bath with aQuantive web ads write-down

Captain DaFt

Re: How the hell does Ballmer keep his job?

And nice phone (the Kin)

A lovely line of mp3 players (Zune)

And he's betting the farm on Metro!

Users enraged by Cisco's cloudy 'upgrade' to Linksys routers

Captain DaFt

Being used to corp-speak, I immediately parsed this as "passively tracks, collects, and stores personal info and usage data, to be retrieved later by third parties".

Or am I just being cynical again?

Jaw-jaw no more-more as calls fall down tally of phone tasks

Captain DaFt
Joke

Obvious, innit?

(Standing by door, ready to sprint)

Since the can store, playback and record text, audio and graphics, why not call them... Tricorders.

(And he's off like a shot)