* Posts by Captain DaFt

3821 publicly visible posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

'I'm COMING for you, DIRTBAG!': Ex-Sony chief Smedley to Kid Lizard hacker

Captain DaFt

Perversely, my sides are splitting!

Shades of Nominative determinism!

His ranting reminds me of the other Smedely's obsessive behaviour toward Chilly Willy:

http://www.cartoonscrapbook.com/C/chillywilly1953.htm

(What can I say? I'm hooked on old cartoons.)

Hacking Team: Oh great, good job, guys ... now the TERRORISTS have our zero-day exploits

Captain DaFt

Left out the worst part for them.

"Now, Hacking Team warns, the leak will allow its surveillance tools to be used by anyone who has "the technical ability" to use its software."

"And we ain't gettin' paid for it! They'll be using it for free! AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

Router cockup grounds United Airlines flights WORLDWIDE

Captain DaFt

Re: So..

In flight announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen; We apologise, but due to technical problems, this flight has been rerouted to... /dev/null? WTF?"

Smart Meter biz case still there, insists tragically optimistic UK govt

Captain DaFt

Re: How, just how, please tell me?

So, as Groucho Marx said, "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Captain DaFt

How, just how, please tell me?

How did the smart meter thing get so convoluted and financially out of control over there?

Here, the companies wanted smart meters to cut back on meter readers, reduce miss billings and enable people to opt in to peak hour management.

So, they got permissions to transmit meter data over power lines at set time periods, quit buying old style meters and started buying new smart ones, then replacing old ones as they hit their replacement dates.

Peak power management is totally opt in, and requires the power companies to install gizmos on water heaters and AC/Heating units. (Of Course, almost no one has done this, and most that did, had it removed after their first cold shower.)

Aside from a bit of mouth foaming from the usual cast of idiots during the permission to transmit over power lines phase, everything is going smoothly, and costs have been negligible.

And this is in a state that manages to fuck up nearly everything.

So how did/are things going so badly for you?

DOUGHNUT (donut?) and whale FOUND ON PLUTO

Captain DaFt

Obviously

That 'doughnut' will be revealed to be a bowl of petunias.

Kidding aside, this mission has been some amazing work. Can't wait to see what secrets Pluto reveals next.

US senate committee wants Twitter, Facebook to report 'terrorist' posts

Captain DaFt

Simple solution

Since they consider everyone and anyone to be potential terrorists anyway, just report every posting.

Han Solo to get solo prequel flick in 2018, helmed by LEGO men

Captain DaFt

Re: No matter how many times....

This still irks me.

I've even reviewed the original clips to make sure.

Han shot Greedo... Period. There was no second shot.

It can not be a question of who shot first, when...

{Cheezy pun Alert}

Han fired solo!

We tried using Windows 10 for real work and ... oh, the horror

Captain DaFt

Re: So...

Someone call Microsoft, Quick!

We found the guy they're marketing too!

Captain DaFt

Re: Is it possible that in going from 8 to 10 they've skipped the decent release?

"the original recipe Coke from a bottling plant in Mexico"

Yes, Mexico still uses cane sugar, instead of that High fructose corn syrup that's so beloved by corn growers in the US.

ALIEN SLIME SHOCKER: Approaching comet probably NOT inhabited, say boffins

Captain DaFt

Re: Three things

Two words: Russell's Teapot.

His proposal has the same merits as theirs, and it's about as likely.

Captain DaFt

Re: don't go insulting Captain Cyborg

"Rover and Kitty are now actually Dr Who villains."

No, Rover is a villain from 'The Prisoner'.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rover_%28The_Prisoner%29

As for Kitty, Marshall Dillon wants a word with you.

(OK, OK, I'll go now.)

Dormant ALIEN SLIME LIFE frozen in SPEEDING comet will AWAKEN - boffins

Captain DaFt

"This of course raises the possibility that the soon-to-active alien slime colonies of 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko might find much of our planet to be prime real estate, ripe for a campaign of interplanetary conquest."

Um... Nope.

You see, Earth has one really big obstacle to overcome for simple life forms that didn't evolve here - free oxygen.

It simply doesn't exist normally in nature, the pesky gas is just too reactive, it bonds with damn near anything.

We breath it because some prehistoric organism started farting it out as a metabolic byproduct on our World, and for the rest, it was adapt or die.*

Seeing as how Oxygen is not of the free gasses detected on the comet, any lifeform that somehow migrates to Earth from there will simply not be able to survive our corrosive atmosphere.

*As a side note, adapting to metabolize oxygen really speeds up the old metabolism, and gives you the competitive edge on those sluggish methane and sulphur dioxide breathers**.

**Not to be taken as a slur against methane and/or sulphur dioxide breathers. Many of my best friends are anaerobic!

HP confirms its mighty Köck is standing down

Captain DaFt

I wonder if his resignation sounded like:

"I've been promoted to WHAT!? Goodbye!"

Progress source replenishes international space station

Captain DaFt

Re: El Reg units...

"it's surprising that the Americans chose a sensible and easy to understand decimal currency system"

Well, it was either that, or keep using this: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2c/Table_of_the_Value_and_Weight_of_Coins%2C_1815.png

China hacks 'everything that doesn't move' says Hilary Clinton

Captain DaFt

Re: Damn anyone who... does what we do...

"So America hacks/observes/spies on... and it's vital that they do so"

"Because if we don't do it, the bad guys will!", shouted every Government, ever.

Same rational used to light up the first A-bomb, even though their best calculations at the time showed a 25% chance of igniting the atmosphere, and turning the whole world into a glowing cinder.

(Fortunately, they were wrong.)

US Feds investigating Prenda Law, say Pirate Bay co-founders

Captain DaFt

If ever someone needed nailing to the wall

And being made an example of, it's Prenda.

Go get'em!

Boffin: Will I soon be able to CLONE a WOOLLY MAMMOTH? YES. Should I? Hell NO

Captain DaFt

Re: Getting eaten by people is by far the best evolutionary strategy for a species

"bjr, it didn’t work so well for the passenger pigeon."

Yes, it seems the animal must also be easily domesticated, or at least have young cute enough to make humans want to domesticate it.

Look at all the livestock species: Cows, ducks, chickens, pigs, rabbits, etc.

All tasty, all have young that humans go, "Dawww!"

Captain DaFt

Re: Hell Yes!

Dibs on the ribs!

http://www.animationsensations.com/original-hanna-barbera-limited-edition-cel-eds-mammoth-ribs

Rampaging fox terrorises rural sports club, victim sustains ‘tweaked groin’

Captain DaFt

Re: Rabies?

"It looked me right in the eye and tweeted at me!"

Questions:

How did it get access to an iPhone?

And was Angry Birds installed?

NHS IT failures mount as GP data system declared unfit for purpose

Captain DaFt

Re: Employ their own consultants

"The Treasury doesn't release funds for any project above £x without having the name of an individual who is held responsible."

And then you get this from the government office in question:

Our congratulations to Bob the tea boy, for his promotion to Head of project White Elephant!

Protecting users against advanced threats and the human factor

Captain DaFt

Oh For Fuck's Sake!

"our white collar workers are managing to give 100 per cent in one area, at least: yes, in the last 12 months they have doubled their click rates on phishing emails!"

Looks like it's time to legalize the LART for office use!

Isn't there a BOFH PAC yet?

Trump carded: Wannabe prez's hotels 'ground zero' in banking breach

Captain DaFt

Trump as President

Sure, why not? It'd be just one more self-inflicted stupidity to add to all the others the country has committed recently. His only platform so far seems to be, "White good, brown bad."

Unless they're hoping the Trump Magic holds; Federal Bankruptcy so mindbogglingly unbelievable that That all the banks are left propping up the mess to keep it from crushing them while he sails off into the sunset on yet another new yacht.

It'll make the Greek debacle look like losing a bus token.

Teaching people to speak English? You just need Chatroulette without the dick pics

Captain DaFt

Gyse! ðu ácweðan, efenheafodling!

World+dog will soon watch 'at least 200 pr0n vids a year'

Captain DaFt

Re: Only 200?

"Clearly some of you out there are not pulling your weight..."

Whoa now! If you're pulling that hard, you're liable to damage it!

NSA continues mass slurping of Americans' phone metadata

Captain DaFt

Re: this link shows how 'NSA' telecoms monitoring was used in 'Condor'

Well, my posts were disappearing into the void, I just figured the servers had hit their limit on snark.

They've shown up now, though. Probably just a hiccough due to the new cookie warning.

Captain DaFt

Re: Oxymoron?

"Director of National Intelligence...?"

Ranks right up there with Unicorn Trainer, doesn't it?

'This ruling does nothing to change the facts' thunders Apple in latest price-fix appeal blow

Captain DaFt

Re: "Apple told The Reg in an emailed statement..."

That was a surprise.

Rather gives the image of Apple red-handedly clutching at every passerby and pleading, "Honest, I didn't do it, ya gotta believe me!"

Cunning goldfish avoided predator in tank for seven years

Captain DaFt

Re: Scraping the bottom, el Reg?

Lost in the system, always in the dark, scrounging what it needed with zero budget.

I'm sure there's some here that can empathise.

Microsoft to offload display ads biz to ... hang on, AOL?

Captain DaFt

Re: "This deal is further evidence of the quality of Bing "

Looks like they are holding on to Bing and its ads marketplace, just selling off the leavings to AOL.

And BING is growing! Look! AOL just got tied into a ten year deal to use it!

Probably about six years longer than AOL will continue to exist as it is.

WikiLeaks docs show NSA's 10-year economic espionage campaign against France

Captain DaFt

NSA! NS-oops... USA! USA!

"The new release will be a massive embarrassment to the US government, since it has long maintained that the only reason the NSA exists is to spy on evildoers online – terrorists, organized crime, drug dealers, and the like."

Why should they be embarrassed? The NSA is only ensuring that good, clean profits are making their way to wholesome, American companies instead of being siphoned of by those unsavory foreign companies that are probably using it to fund terrorist activities such as research and innovation, instead of decent, moral, endless litigation like God intended.

Get READY: Scientists set to make TIME STAND STILL tonight

Captain DaFt

Sigh...

Now I'm getting nostalgic for my youthful days on the net.

All this bickering and japing over time, and no one's even mentioned the Time Cube.

Ah well, no meme lives forever.

Captain DaFt

Re: Time is an illusion...

Does time exist?

I gravely doubt it.

But gosh!

What would we do without it? -: Piet Hein

Who wants a classic ThinkPad with whizzy new hardware? Lenovo would just love to know

Captain DaFt

Umm... Lemme think about i... Yes! YES! YES!

Apple pulls Civil War games in Confederate flag takedown

Captain DaFt

Re: Fast track to offense

"It stands for racism, hatred, and slavery and always has."

Nope, as any scholar of American History will tell you. (But who listens to them?

It stood for Sates rights, the whole succession movement came about because the Federal Government was expanding its powers in ways that abrogated State Rights.

Slavery wasn't even mentioned until the second year of the war, when the northern states started demanding that the Federal Government end the bloody massacre.

Slavery? Funny thing that. The Emancipation Proclamation only ended slavery in the conquered territories. (Their term, it's right there in the proclamation itself.)

There were Northern states that continued to use slavery for another 2 years afterward, until the 13th amendment was finally added to the constitution.

Funny, that is almost never mentioned these days, or that slavery was practiced in many so called free northern states, before during and after the civil war.

"The historian Joanne Pope Melish, who has written a perceptive book on race relations in ante-bellum New England, recalls how it was possible to read American history textbooks at the high school level and never know that there was such a thing as a slave north of the Mason-Dixon Line:" - http://slavenorth.com/

Will a data centre be driving your car in 12 years' time?

Captain DaFt

Cars driven by data centre

For an idea of what could possibly go wrong, play the latest version of Sim City.

We need to know about the Internet of Things, say US Senators

Captain DaFt

Re: Contrasts

"Anybody else bemused by the contrast between the capabilities of the NSA and the defences of government departments against web attack?"

Not really. It seems to go hand in hand that the part that wants to pry would encourage an inability to deny in the rest of the system.

Or do you think it's just a coincidence that when a member of Congress jumps up and claims that's what's happening is an outrage, almost always the follow up is a quiet, "Well, that's all right then, new funding approved."

Killer ChAraCter HOSES almost all versions of Reader, Windows

Captain DaFt

Re: C

Doesn't matter how good the language or programmer is if the word from on high is, "You'll have this code ready to ship tomorrow, or I'll find someone that can!"

Captain DaFt

Re: Ah. Adobe. Again.

"MS have completely re-written all of Windows from the ground up at least twice since this bug came in"

At Microsoft, copy and paste is considered a rewrite.

Samsung caught disabling Windows Update to run its own bloatware

Captain DaFt

I'd hazard a guess

"It's hard to see why Samsung thought disabling Windows Update was a good idea,"

Um, because Windows updated drivers don't collect data for Samsung?

(The paranoia spreads so easily these days.)

Cupertino GIVES IN to Taylor Swift, will pay Apple Music royalties

Captain DaFt

Re: Still won't persuade me

"The 90's called, they want their AC back."

And coincidentally, the noughties called, wanting their meme back.

This time we really are all doomed, famous doomsayer prof says

Captain DaFt

If Nature abhors a vacuum, then why does it seem so hell-bent on filling so many heads with one?

Taylor Swift boycotts Apple Music over no-pay-for-plays shocker

Captain DaFt

Re: What a load of crap posted here

"Opting out is possible, or did you not read the article?"

So the choice is letting them give it away and not getting paid, or opting out, and not getting paid.

Either way sucks.

BOOM! Stephen Elop shuffled out of Microsoft door

Captain DaFt

Re: Woo hoo!

"I'm sure there are plenty more douchebags at Microsoft, but this goes in the right direction!"

Not so sure here. At least Microsoft had him squirreled away with a nice title, far from anything worthwhile.

Now he's loose again, free to finish ruining other businesses.

(I'm waiting to see who hires him first, HP or Blackberry.)

Captain DaFt

Re: "However this strategy has completely failed

"Ballmer just didn't see Jobs, Page and Brin coming and utterly failed to react."

Oh, he saw and reacted. "Hm, Windows, Outlook, Word. Nope they're not affected by this, who cares?"

There's a new build of Windows 10 Mobile, but you can't upgrade to it

Captain DaFt

Uh huh...

Isn't this the second time MS has released a build of Win10 that couldn't be installed on something due to a bug?

Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the care and attention paid to it, does it?

Auto-playing video ads? People love auto-playing video ads – Twitter

Captain DaFt

Re: Dear Twitter. Kiss My Ass.

"it's sticking your head in the microwave & nuking whatever was inside your skull that passed for brains."

EEEWWW!! That's going to splatter shit all inside the oven!

British banks consider emoji as password replacement

Captain DaFt

Re: Optional

My Waterloo was: "Your favorite color"

Red... invalid, must be seven or more letters

hm,

Purple... invalid, must be seven or more letters

Uh,

Yellow... invalid, must be seven or more letters

FUCKYOUDIESOB... invalid, not a color

Apparently, the site only caters to women and interior decorators.

Zionists stole my SHOE, claims Muslim campaigner

Captain DaFt

Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

How to tell Mossad has contacted El Reg:

When the author of this article finds his keys missing from his pocket, only later to find them under a couch cushion.

Belgium privacy commish ambushes Facebook with lawsuit

Captain DaFt

"Yes, I'm paranoid. Sadly, I have been proven right :(."

It's not paranoia if they actually are out to get you.