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* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

698 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

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Fork it! Google fined €4.34bn over Android, has 90 days to behave

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"Google leveraged its platform dominance"

Please. What is wrong with "used"? Has someone escaped from HR again?

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Shouting lager, lager... Carlsberg's beer AI can now tell pilsners apart

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Also from the Register...

Speaking (in appropriately reverential tones) of he who is the BOFH, aren't we overdue for a few episodes?

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FCC caught red-handed – again – over its $225 complaint billing plan

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Swamp

He didn't actually enlarge it. He became the swamp.

"Ego sum palude" - ought to be his motto, I suppose.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: America, oh, America

/Inventor of the Marmite Laser - wiggles ears

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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America, oh, America

Home of the vested* interest.

*If not actually vested, at least in possession of a nice cardigan.

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Sysadmin cracked military PC’s security by reading the manual

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Cars are fun too

Many years ago I had need to ask our graphics/marketing literature deaigner to move the nice Vauxhall Carlton hed bought newish sexondhand off the comaony.

As usual, it took ages for him to appear, by which time Id got bored, found a chunk of parcel strappimg, opened the car and was waiting for him.

His reaction: You camt have done that its an executive range car.

Another time, our admin lassie rang in from town, having locked herself out of her Datsun (it WAS a long time ago). Went to her rescue and managed to spring the catch on the back window then rwach in and unscrew the catch from the glass, open the window enough to reach the hinges, unscrew them, lift out the window and finally get at the door latxh.

Despite the two of us doing thus in the middle of a carpark and making no secret of it, no-one took the blindest notice of us.

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Security guard cost bank millions by hitting emergency Off button

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Coat

Slightly off-topic, but a memory stirred by tales of being shown around places.

We'd been talking to a London hospital some years back about a data collection system to streamline updating bed availability and allocation. We'd been given the Big Tour and seen all the wards with serious amounts of boxen and blinken lighten.

We were doing the handshake bit at the end, standing near the door of a perfectly ordinary ward; no boxen, no blinken lighten, just rows of oldish guys in beds. While I was looking, one of the guys at the far end leaped out of bed and started loudly declaiming the Ode to the Haggis. One by one the other old guys joined in until almost the whole ward was doing it.

I asked our guide what that had all been about and was it some kind of psychiatric ward.

"No" he said. "Its the Serious Burns Unit."

-

Sorry.

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Ignore that FBI. We're the real FBI, says the FBI that's totally the FBI

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Ignore them.

@Gordon Pryra: Add almost any HR department to that list

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Google kills AdWords!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Be thankful for the lack of symbolic explanation

Shutting down into protective catatonia.............

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Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: I miss the old days...

Still didn't tell you where the "any" key was

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MSDN unleashes a fresh round of unintentional innuendo bingo

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Back to School

Children live on one side of despair; the enlightened on the other.

Happy to be childish.

Now just feed me a goodly line that ends with a fnarrr, fnarrr

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Audi chief exec arrested over Dieselgate car emissions scandal

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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What I find difficult to get my bonce around

OK, so VW, with the might of its huge design & development teams couldn't come up with an engine that met emissions regs and resorted to fraud.

Then the brown stuff hit the rotating object.

All of a sudden, a "solution" was found, tested and rolled out. Not only that but the "fix" was, for most engines, a firmware tweak and, in the case of the 1.6tdi, adding an airflow control device (a plastic mesh) in the intake.

Magically, that was all developed and rolled out in next to no time.

One is given to wonder why, if it really was so simple, VW couldn't have got it right first time around

Unless, that is, it wasn't possible to produce compliant engines that would not run a big, big risk of early EGR valve etc., failures - which seems to be exactly what is happening.

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User spent 20 minutes trying to move mouse cursor, without success

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Trackball can be worse....

I refer to mine as a dead rat.

<SQUEAK>

Doffs cap to Mt Pratchett

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Facebook's Trending news box follows fired freelancers out the door

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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See what's trending

I have never understood why I should give a rats arse about what is "trending"

It seems to be associated with organisations serving me ads for more of what I have just bought/looked at/etc.

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BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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I love this mag

never change.

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Your parents love you, Cortana. That's why we bought you an upgrade

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Die bitch

Linked in is terrible. Period

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10 social networks ignored UK government consultations

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: "rapid removal of abusive and objectionable material"

Why? No matter how you vote, its always the government that gets in.

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NASA fix for Curiosity rovers's damaged drill: hitting it, repeatedly

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: What an odd way of putting it!

@ hplasm: Gender-unspecific tea refill and asexual mopping of keyboard required

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Boffins bash out bonkers boost for batteries

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Diode or Storage

Why is my bullshit detector chiŕping?

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Please no Basic Instinct flashing, HPE legal eagles warn staffers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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And NEVER

Use the word "Leverage" as a verb

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SpaceX Bangabandhu-1 launch held up while Dragon splashes down on time

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Worse still

Bunga McBungaface

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Even worst ..

Pai Dirt

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New Monty Python movie to turn old jokes into new royalties

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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No-one expects....................................

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FCC shifts its $8bn pot of gold, sparks fears of corporate money grab

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Its

Pai Day!

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My PC is on fire! Can you back it up really, really fast?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Capacitors

Many years ago: It wasn't unknown for a 22uf, 63V electrolytic capacitor to find its way, wrong way round, across the 12V power supply rails in some of the printers and terminals we often had on test. They were too small to have a vent but big enough to make a very satisfying bang.

Happy days.

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Fresh fright of data-spilling Spectre CPU design flaws haunt Intel

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"new ways to leverage Spectre"

Please. Stop the twaddle

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Typical cynical Brits: Broadband speeds up, satisfaction goes down

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Wanky McWankface?

Just wondering

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Democrats need just one more senator (and then a miracle) to reverse US net neutrality death

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Pai a backhander

Works every time, so long as the backhander is big enough

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Double double, soil and trouble, fire burn and heat shield bubble: NASA cracks rover, has dirty talk with ESA

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Come back Lester Haines

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Why aren't we digging deep for signs of life?

Controlled explosion? No such thing. Have you ever TRIED to stop one halfway through?

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Facebook furiously pumps brakes on Euro probe into transatlantic personal data slurping

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Methinks they doth protest too much

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TSB outage, day 5: What do you mean you can't log in? Our systems are up and running. Up and running, we say!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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I, too, would Effect a transfer if I was one of the Affected

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Facebook privacy audit by auditors finds everything is awesome!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Nuke it from orbit

Then nuke it twice more

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Size does matter, chaps: Oversized todgers an evolutionary handicap

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Willie Heckaslike

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Having ended America's broadband woes, the FCC now looks to space

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Just

Pai the backhander

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Boffins find new ways to slurp private info from Facebook addicts using precision-targeted ads

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Does the data provide ENOUGH resolution?

For instance, would it identify someone who, when presented with targeted advertising - or, iindeed any of the mindless trash that gets hawked around - would be quite happy to rip the authors head off and defecate down their neck?

We might be on to something

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My PC makes ‘negative energy waves’, said user, then demanded fix

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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You just described an iPhone

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German sauna drags punters to court over naked truth

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Did you

See the SIZE of those pineapples in the foreground of the video start frame, on the homepage?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Stamp it out.

This IS The Register. Stories like this are what make El Reg special. It's all about balance

That and an occasional goodly helping of fnaaarrr, fnaaarrr.

So there

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'Our way or the highway' warranty scams shot down by US watchdog: It's OK to use unofficial parts to repair your gear

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Will no one think of the printers?

Shirley, the attitude of "you'll use ONLY our ink and we've chipped the cartriďges to make damn sure" comes under just this heading

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Microsoft Office 365 and Azure Active Directory go TITSUP*

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Orifice shagged?

Great! Now I might get some real work done

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*Thunk* No worries, the UPS should spin up. Oh cool, it's in bypass mode

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Creative Purchase Orders

Made a note of that. I'm sure it'll strike a cord somewhere and stave off future problems, so long as I can be sharp about it.

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Elon Musk's mighty erection fires sperm at orbiting space station

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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@TRT: Puts new meaning to bungee jumping

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2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: In dreams...

And re-reading 2065

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Amazon warns you have 30 days before Music Storage files bloodbath

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Aaaahhhh... the Cloud...

Wherein Cuckoo Land lies

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Adobe: New Unified Customer Profile will personalise ads as never before

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Adobe dons dirty mackintosh

Stalks people.

Gets its face punched in

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More ad-versarial tech: Mozilla to pop limited ad blocker into Firefox

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Adblocking is stealing

Would you pay to receive unfranked mail that turned out to be marketing crud? Ditto accepting collect phone calls from marketers? For those with metered Internet, ads ARE stealing.

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Uber's disturbing fatal self-driving car crash, a new common sense challenge for AI, and Facebook's evil algorithms

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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WTF?

Why didn't the woman see an approaching car, which was traveling <40 mph with headlights on

Ànd wait till the road was clear before crossing

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User asked why CTRL-ALT-DEL restarted PC instead of opening apps

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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All together now:

640k ought to be enough for everybody

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Windows 10 to force you to use Edge, even if it isn't default browser

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Dear Microsoft

An acrostic, if I am not mistaken

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