* Posts by Fluffykins

574 publicly visible posts • joined 22 May 2007

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Nude trampolinist bounces free from court

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Bounce and Toss?

Isn't that a bit like Pitch and Putt?

Brigitte Bardot demands flying donkey action

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Letters, Digits. OK?

Brigitte Bardot demands flying donkey action

Paris Hilton move over

Hitachi hides Magic Wand vibrator under a bushel

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"Heavy, loud and awkward, but gets the job done!"

I knew a girl like that

YouGov tests the waters on internet snooping

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F. O. A. D.

That's all

BOFH: Little ups and downs

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@Justin 11

Lie down.......................deep breaths........................steady....steady.

In.................and out.

There. Feel better?

Underground tunnel complexes FOUND ON MOON

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If the moon is 1/6th Earth's size

Will there be prople at the entrances to these tunnels selling copies of the Small Issue?

Freeview reaches out to EPG-less DVR owners

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Or even.......

The affected models

LaCie touts tough truck-resistant flash drive for tough guys

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it wobbles on the desk - a "playful personality"

I knew a girl like that.

New dinosaur dubbed 'Mojoceratops' - 'over a few beers'

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It just struck me

Drinking: Rex, your health!

Drinking rex your health!

Drinkling Rex: Your health!

Avro Vulcan - The Owners' Workshop Manual

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Haynes Manuals - Simplified

Ah: Haynes Workshop manuals. There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English. Here are just a few that may be in the Vulcan Version

:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...

Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

Panasonic SC-BT735 Blu-ray home cinema kit

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Sorry, but no DAB radio is a deal breaker

Look, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that FM will be out of the frame for national broadcasting fairly soon.

This bit of kit would (I hope) last a bit longer than 5 minutes so why, oh why should I saddle myself with something which is going to be made obsolete so soon.

No DAB; no sale.

Wireless signals to be jammed in Canada for G8 summit

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"no advanced warning "

Can I assume there will be a basic warning, then?

Or did you mean no advance warning?

New laser raygun tech: Our sharks kick the tyres

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But

I'm going to wax lyrical first

US space dirty-tricks spysat spying sat is go for July

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For those less linguistically able, it's available in English

http://www.fhr.fgan.de/fhr/fhr_c589_en.html

Sony demos very bendy flexible OLED screen

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Useful for political broadcasts then, with minimal discomfort.

While a political broadcast is playing, I can roll it into an 8mm tube, insert it into any available arsehole and let said political broadcast be viewed directly by the appropriate organ.

Twinkle twinkle little rectum

You get your thrills when you least expect 'em.

Murdoch's paywall: The end of the suicide era?

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Didn't New Scientist try this, or summat like it?

Seems to have reverted to a free read, but register (=pay? Didn't bother to find out) to comment

Secret US spaceplane spotted in orbit by hobbyists

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Shiny?

Shouldn't that be a nice matt black new icon, if it's a stealth one?

Massachusetts man in vacuum marinade shocker

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Sausage Machine Cleaner Nearly Meats His Maker

Sorry.

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And furthermore:

Playmobil, or it never happened

Yahoo! wipes! brow! of! worried! search! advertisers!

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Alert

Not since they started punting their toolbar like it was malware

You know, you go to install a Java update and get offered a Yahoo toolbar install, all ready selected for you. Same with a host of other applications

Can anyone from Yahoo explain WTF Yahoo toolbar has got to do with a Java update?

Sorry, didn't use any exclamation marks, so here they are now: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unlicensed software use 'may have peaked'

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Could this have anything to do

with freeware etting better and hitherto geeky thinks things like - say - Ubuntu - becoming more mainstream.

Bill Gates backs ball-busting ultrasound

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@AC, sorry for being a n00b

If the result is anything like a vasectomy, (and I have every reason to suspect it is), you just stop producing sperm. What you _don't_ stop producing is seminal fluid - which is added further along the production system, so you can still imitate a soft ice cream machine to your heart's content.

Me, I went for the permanent option years ago and never looked back.

99, anyone?

Exam board deletes C and PHP from CompSci A-levels

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letters and/or digits. There. it does.

Can we plase stop using "ICT". It makes the place sound like an educational establishment.

Yahoo! to open source floating Google-Amazon crossbreed

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Not! a! proper! Yahoo! Story!

Nowhere! Near! Enough! Exclamation! Marks!

NFC will help you find your car - if you're next to it

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That reminds me

Reminds me of a conversation manyyears ago, between an old chum of mine and a trendy lecturer. Chum had an old banger at the time and was just looking out of the window into the carpark.

"Oh" says lecturer. "Have you a problem?"

"No" says my chum. Just checking I've not left my lights on."

Lecturer's tone becomes slightly smug: "Oh, doesn't your car tell you when you've left your lights on?"

Chum: "Yes, it doesn't start when I get back to it."

Perv scanner todger quips provoke Miami airport assault

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Grenade

Controlled explosion my arse!

Have you ever seen anyone with enough control to stop a "controlled explosion" halfway through?

Facebook flirts with RFID

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I can guarantee

My tag won't work more than 30 seconds.

Nokia: digital SLRs are doomed

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To badly misquote:

People in phone houses shouldn't throw glass.

Sorry.

McAfee sued over third-party pop-up pitches

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McAfee aren't the only ones

There have been a couple of particularly moronic popup campaigns from AVG as well

Overzealous Orange cuts off customer, still bills

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Billing for a service that isn't being provided?

Isn't that fraud?

Popular Facebook game caught serving malvertisements

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Why serve tainted ads up willy nilly

With behavioural advertising, you could just catch the suckers.

Labour shock pledge: 16.8-meg broadband for ALL by 2012!

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How to tell if a politician is lying

Is his mouth moving?

Ubuntu's Lucid Lynx turns back on Yahoo! search switcheroo

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Thank Goodness and <rant>

Any outfit that acts like a malware purveyor - Toolbars bundled with completely unrelated third party software and installation selected by default and licence terms almost (but not quite) hidden, deserves to be ditched.

I got sick of removing Yahoo toolbars installed with various software packages and updates.

If Yahoo would market their thing on its merits rather than push it as parasiteware, they may generate a little respect

</rant>

Chinese gamer survives knife through skull

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Is this the ultimate

Chinese Hack Attack

Telegraph trips over the Large Hardon Collider

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I hope the editor

Gave the hapless journo a good stiff talking to

Nerd alert: First Lucid Lynx Ubuntu beta fun

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Still infected by Yahoo

Unfortunately the Firefox install defaults to Yahoo - well known purveyor of parasiteware

Boffins builds lithium battery that can't explode

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Brimstone

+1 definitely, definitely.

BT rolls out new, 'competitive' consumer deals

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You don't mention DPI or behavioural advertising

And I bet BT didn't either.

Integrity? They've heard of it.

Google flips switch on mobile YouTube banner ads

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@Adblock user

Its a way of deciding which companies to avoid like the plague.

It's official: Adobe Reader is world's most-exploited app

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Thanks for the offer

Thanks for the offer but I'm sorry; not while there's dogs on the street

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Foxit would be OK but for paraisiteware

Foxit reader tries to get the user to install Foxit toolbar along with Foxit reader.

Also has the impertinence to try and make Ask.com the default search engine (though you can uncheck this)

I used to think Foxit was OK, but I'll be trying Sumatra pretty soon.

NASA flying car engineer shoots down Reg coverage

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Nah!

I always thought it was a French screwdriver.

Or was that the sledgehammer?

Car thieves making clean getaway with GPS jammers

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Whay has noone

Mentioned frikkin lasers?

Westminster politicos told to grasp Vista nettle

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Still the wrong question

Surely the question should be "Why install computers?"

Baaaaah. Interweb? that's porn isn't it? young ladies, I mean baaaaaah"

=====

I'd put a wobbly jowels icon here but there isn't one.

Computer Engineer Barbie coming soon to a toy store near you

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@Real Engineers 14th February 2010 13:48

Obviously not a qualification in English, though. "You're" or "you are" maybe, but not "your"

Man sets mice on musophobic ex-missus

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Squeak?

That's all.

Happy Data Protection Day

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Maybe someone should mention Phorm

Ther, I've done it

parasites

Microsoft 'offered sex and drugs to distributors'

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It was probably a misunderstanding

cone on, try Vista!

Ha ha ha - youre shagged!

California school pulls 'oral sex' dictionary

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Send all dictionaries to the Pope for checking

After all, he's GOT to know all the rude words so he can tell whether people have been truly naughty or just misguided.

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To anyone called Philippa

Don't use the shortened version of your name in Sweden.

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