Bounce and Toss?
Isn't that a bit like Pitch and Putt?
574 publicly visible posts • joined 22 May 2007
Ah: Haynes Workshop manuals. There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English. Here are just a few that may be in the Vulcan Version
:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
Look, it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that FM will be out of the frame for national broadcasting fairly soon.
This bit of kit would (I hope) last a bit longer than 5 minutes so why, oh why should I saddle myself with something which is going to be made obsolete so soon.
No DAB; no sale.
While a political broadcast is playing, I can roll it into an 8mm tube, insert it into any available arsehole and let said political broadcast be viewed directly by the appropriate organ.
Twinkle twinkle little rectum
You get your thrills when you least expect 'em.
You know, you go to install a Java update and get offered a Yahoo toolbar install, all ready selected for you. Same with a host of other applications
Can anyone from Yahoo explain WTF Yahoo toolbar has got to do with a Java update?
Sorry, didn't use any exclamation marks, so here they are now: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the result is anything like a vasectomy, (and I have every reason to suspect it is), you just stop producing sperm. What you _don't_ stop producing is seminal fluid - which is added further along the production system, so you can still imitate a soft ice cream machine to your heart's content.
Me, I went for the permanent option years ago and never looked back.
99, anyone?
Reminds me of a conversation manyyears ago, between an old chum of mine and a trendy lecturer. Chum had an old banger at the time and was just looking out of the window into the carpark.
"Oh" says lecturer. "Have you a problem?"
"No" says my chum. Just checking I've not left my lights on."
Lecturer's tone becomes slightly smug: "Oh, doesn't your car tell you when you've left your lights on?"
Chum: "Yes, it doesn't start when I get back to it."
Any outfit that acts like a malware purveyor - Toolbars bundled with completely unrelated third party software and installation selected by default and licence terms almost (but not quite) hidden, deserves to be ditched.
I got sick of removing Yahoo toolbars installed with various software packages and updates.
If Yahoo would market their thing on its merits rather than push it as parasiteware, they may generate a little respect
</rant>
Foxit reader tries to get the user to install Foxit toolbar along with Foxit reader.
Also has the impertinence to try and make Ask.com the default search engine (though you can uncheck this)
I used to think Foxit was OK, but I'll be trying Sumatra pretty soon.