* Posts by hplasm

5613 publicly visible posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

UK.gov is not being advised by Google. Repeat. It is not being advised by Google

hplasm
Holmes

Re: Industry 4.0

"The Government doesn't even have a coherent ...strategy.

FTFY :)

hplasm
Happy

Re: Even the worst AI

"Three chimpanzees scratching their arses would outperform the UK government....Peanuts, in fact."

And in the USA? Snoopy for President !

Or failing that, any other cartoon character would be better than most candidates...

CIMON says: Say hello to your new AI pal-bot, space station 'nauts

hplasm
Terminator

Re: Simon Says...

Shut up, Proto-GERTY!

Ready, get Sets... no? App-grouping whizzery for Windows 10 killed

hplasm
Happy

Re: Why tabs?

"Oooh - Microsoft Binder returns?"

Or, apparently, doesn't...

Google leaps on the platform formerly known as Firefox with $22m splurge for KaiOS

hplasm
Meh

Re: The Most Dreaded Words in IT

£d or lower-

"something...something Azure..something 365..."

Ew.

Hipster horror! Slack has gone TITSUP: Total inability to support user procrastination

hplasm
Happy

Re: when my slacks are down

"I'm almost afraid to ask but, okay, I'll bite: like what?"

Well, the biting, for a start...

Galileo, here we go again. My my, the Brits are gonna miss EU

hplasm
Holmes

Re: "Minister for Defence Procurement Guto Bebb"

"Yes I think he's a real person.

Jedi or Sith?

Crime epidemic or never had it so good? Drilling into statistics is murder

hplasm
Meh

Re: We need gunlaws like in the US to fight crime

naive

username checks out.

Buttonless and port-free: Expect the next iPhone to be as smooth as a baby's bum

hplasm
Devil

So-

"Expect the next iPhone to be as smooth as a baby's bum"

Yet half as useful and twice as shitty?

Outage? No, phones are playing silly buggers, insists Sainsbury's Bank

hplasm
Pint

Re: Dear [Supermarket Bank]

Dear [Anonymous Coward]

Please accept our endless [gratitude] for your [invaluable] template.

We shall use it [endlessly].

regards,

The Internet.

Have YOU had your breakfast pint? Boffins confirm cheeky daily tipple is good for you

hplasm
Happy

Re: This is not good news

"Time for a new campaign "Drinka Pinta FirklestonesOldSkullcrackera Day""

May I have a tee-shirt to that effect?

Ta!

Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: Carefully blendedPint Carefully blended

"a deserving kind with an aftertaste of a Dilbert cartoon "

Never go the full Dogbert...

hplasm
Devil

However...

" Record keeping: good advice? Sure, but also incredibly overrated..."

BOSSOID: "...why didn't YOU DO THIS????!!!!"

YOU: "Er, when did you ask me to? Do you have the email...?"

CYA: Unlocked.

Microsoft Edge bug odyssey shows why we can't have nice things

hplasm
Happy

Re: Mozilla and Slurp?

Not Mozilla and Slurpzilla?

EU negotiator: Crucial data adequacy deal will wait until UK hands in homework

hplasm
Happy

Re: Requoting from another thread

"Davis, May and Boris are trying to put the proverbial donkey behind the proverbial cart."

Utter tosh!

Why would the donkeys want to leave the plushness of the House of Commons in the first place?

MSDN unleashes a fresh round of unintentional innuendo bingo

hplasm
Coat

Re: Does knob really have two meanings any more?

"So now we have an inordinate number of words for penis but no word for a cylindrical control that can be rotated to alter the state of a machine"

How about...nob?

Microsoft Azure Europe embraced the other GDPR: Generally Down, Possibly Recovering

hplasm
Flame

Re: Underlying temperature issue

Underlying temperature issue - see icon.

hplasm
Happy

Re: More Microsoft CloudFog

" next update will be provided in 60 minutes or not..."

How to stealthily poison neural network chips in the supply chain

hplasm
Devil

"a fully operational wing of F-35Bs...."

Or weaponised unicorns!

National ID cards might not mean much when up against incompetence of the UK Home Office

hplasm
Devil

Re: Why they really want ID cards

..."so the card can have a "pleb bit" available"

Anyone else just had a great idea for an 'app'?

'90s hacker collective man turned infosec VIP: Internet security hasn't improved in 20 years

hplasm
Holmes

Re: Hollywood Education System

" Any? Facebook? Twitter?"

Secondary sources: Primary Source- Hollywood Movies...

hplasm
Meh

Internet security hasn't improved in 20 years

In other news, Windows is still a thing.

Pwned with '4 lines of code': Researchers warn SCADA systems are still hopelessly insecure

hplasm
Happy

Re: SCADA systems running windows

"...BridgePort Wire Eroder running DOS 3.0 running off twin 720k floppies."

So fairly secure, then?

Sir, you've been using Kaspersky Lab antivirus. Please come with us, sir

hplasm
Gimp

Re: Я невиновен, товарищ!

"Because NSA isn't selling me - or you, or to anyone else - anything."

They're selling something...

And you certainly have bought it.

Unbreakable smart lock devastated to discover screwdrivers exist

hplasm
Meh

Re: Yeah - but if I am a "common criminal" I'll definitely find another non-indiegogo to pawn

"PETA will be on the case."

And kill them.

The eyes have it: 'DeepFakes' bogus AI-meddled videos outed by unblinking gaze

hplasm
Terminator

So are we saying fish and snakes aren't real?

Check the sacles for serial numbers and copyright.

Tech firms, come to Blighty! Everything is brill! Brexit schmexit, Galileo schmalileo

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: Brexit Schmexit and other Perverse Costly Abominations

dreamshit is rife in the Government? Explains a lot...

hplasm
Meh

Re: Good old Alan T

" "If you are brilliant, come and devote your life to serving the British government, who will pay you a pittance and then castrate you for your trouble.""

And then say how brilliantly British you were, a shining example to all, after you are dead.

... Aaaand that's a fifth Brit Army Watchkeeper drone to crash in Wales

hplasm
Holmes

Re: Signage

"I would suggest that a part of that facelift would be the words

LAND HERE

painted in large friendly letters on the tarmac."

To tell the drone where the ground is...

Apple will throw forensics cops off the iPhone Lightning port every hour

hplasm
Pint

Kudos!

I must tip my hat to Apple, for Atomic Level awkwardness security-mindedness!!

Geoboffins baffled as Ceres is crawling with carbon organics

hplasm
Alien

Don't panic!

It's just where the Teasers empty their septic tanks...

Astroboffins 'sprinkle iron filings' over remnant supernova

hplasm
Coat

Re: Slack language

"The actual explosion happened around 168,031 years ago."

It was 1987 there...

AI built to track you through walls because, er, Parkinsons?

hplasm

Someone contact the Arisians.

It's time for the Spyray Block...

Which? calls for compensation for users hit by Windows 10 woes

hplasm
Holmes

Re: software giant still needs to work a little harder

"Gardener with neighbouring sheep farmer here: sheep have to be kept out of gardens."

Thus the SNAFU is explained...

Microsoft will ‘lose developers for a generation’ if it stuffs up GitHub, says future CEO

hplasm
Coat

Re: Coming soon to github

Clippy - "I see you have been using stack overflow for every line of code. Would you like to come and work in Redmond?"

FTFY

Beardy Branson: Wacky hyperloop tube maglev cheaper than railways

hplasm
Pint

Re: Technological objections

"A very large catchers mitt with an arrest mechanism could be doable."

A very large Yorkshire pudding soaked in gravy sounds feasible too.

hplasm
Alert

Re: Picking nits

"You just build a hyperloop, Straight up"

But- that would suck all of the atmosphere up into space!!!

Meet the real spin doctors: Scientists tell H2O to chill out so they can separate isomers

hplasm
Boffin

Down the plughole...

"the hydrogen atoms should be able to rotate freely as soon as some energy is available."

Clockwise or widdershins?

(Depending on which isomer, and whether or not the plughole is in the Antipodes or not.*)

*yes, iIknow, Mr Snopes....

Church of England will commune with God for you via Amazon's Echo

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: "Alexa, is there a God?

"She said that day she had had to make a choice between milk or sweets."

Sounds like she needs to look at her choice of god...

hplasm
Devil

Re: Somewhat baffling

That would be an ecumenical question...

hplasm
Angel

"Alexa, is there a God?

"Yes, now there is a God"

Siri: "Ahem..."

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

hplasm
Happy

Re: hang on....

Nothing as safe as an Oompaloompa.

And nothing as hazardous as an Oompaloompa in a cabbage patch...

You've heard that pop will eat itself. Boffins have unveiled a rocket that does the same

hplasm
Happy

Duncan Jones's Moon

Also related to a certain Mr Bowie...

this comment also does nothing to advance the debate.

You know that silly fear about Alexa recording everything and leaking it online? It just happened

hplasm
Happy

Re: Come on, who wasn't expecting this to happen?

"Sirigooglexa "

The word that turns all of the 'girls' on...

UK's Royal Navy accepts missile-blasting missile as Gulf clouds gather

hplasm
Devil

Re: Judging by the volcanic cloud on the horizon

"And what the hell are they burning to make so much soot?"

US Dollars.

Boffins: Michael Jackson's tilt was a criminally smooth trick

hplasm
Happy

but-

"Yeah...but what's he done lately?

No - you're thinking of his sister, Janet"

That's all just nasty rumour...

hplasm
Boffin

Re: reinforced clown shoes

Do not, ever, mess with a reinforced clown.

That is all.

(edit: where is the Trump icon? )

hplasm
Coat

Annie?

"She was hit by, struck by, a smooth criminal the owner of some social media operation."

Brit water firms, power plants with crap cyber security will pay up to £17m, peers told

hplasm
Holmes

If you've got a margin of £1m, that security investment is significantly more expensive

No, buit the profits are reduced...

Microsoft, Google: We've found a fourth data-leaking Meltdown-Spectre CPU hole

hplasm
Coat

Re: Spectre

"I'm aware of a group selling a Spectre vuln.

SPECTRE?