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* Posts by hplasm

5251 posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

Russia: We did not hack the US Democrats. But if we did, we're immune from prosecution... lmao

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: Photoshop? C'mon, man, the year is 2018

"The NSA should use its ridiculous computing power to make the deepfake of all deepfakes!"

Some sort of anamatronic orange politician should do...

Hands up who isn't p!*$ed off about Amazon's new HQ in New York and Virginia?

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: Crony capitalists* are happy

"*Maybe capitalists is the wrong word, money grubbing bureaucrats?"

Whatever happened to 'Capatalist Running Dogs'?

i quite like that one...

/tiny writing rules...!

Alexa, cough up those always-on Echo audio recordings, says double-murder trial judge

hplasm Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Sounds about right

"What about "undisirregardlessly"? 'Tis a common word, down our way."

But what is its Cromulency Index?

hplasm Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Sounds about right

"The ‘T’ in it is silent, by the way."

Well. You learn somethink every day!

Scumbag who phoned in a Call of Duty 'swatting' that ended in death pleads guilty to dozens of criminal charges

hplasm Silver badge
Coat

Re: banana republic?

It's an Orange Republic now...

hplasm Silver badge
Coat

Re: re: For that I recommend wearing your fucking seatbelt.

"I thought American cars did the seatbelt thing for you?"

For Freedom, you meed to shoot the seatbelt off first (coz knives are bad...)

hplasm Silver badge
Paris Hilton

Re: You obviously need that gun to compensate for your inferior masculinity.

...length or width?

hplasm Silver badge
Facepalm

Re: The word they're looking for is 'scapegoat'

"Are we feeling a bit inferior because your Goverment[sic], will only let you carrry[sic] an unconcealed Knife to a gunfight?""

a. No- because there isn't a 'gunfight' every 10 minutes here..

B. No, because I'm not a coward that needs to carry a gun to feel safe from THEM (whoever the demons in your head are... and what colo(u)r they are, probably)..

Wheres the dickhead icon?

Another 3D printer? Oh, stop it, you're killing us. Perhaps literally: Fears over ultrafine dust

hplasm Silver badge
Holmes

Re: n before g

But not in Pterry...

'Frontline workers' of the world, unite! And grab yourselves a Surface Go White Van Man edition

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: I think...

"Well, the "FREE CANDY" sign painted on the side didn't work..."

ITYM 'Free Candy Crush'

Palliative care for Windows 10 Mobile like a Crimean field hospital, but with even less effort

hplasm Silver badge
Windows

Re: plan of action

Is it time for the 'IT?' Tombstone Icon to be refreshed and have either 'Win X' or Bill's Borg face on it?

That amazing Microsoft software quality, part 97: Windows Phone update kills Outlook, Calendar

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: How long before

The dawn of Biglysoft!

ZX Spectrum reboot scandal firm's original directors rejoin

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Massive-

Popcorn Time.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin...

. < starts cassette ...Bzzzzzzzz!!!ZbbVVTTY!!YzzYYxxgggGGrt!!t!!zzzzzZZxxxXX!!)!!!.. >

Windows XP? Pfff! Parts of the Royal Navy are running Win ME

hplasm Silver badge
Holmes

And how do you KEEP it that way?

"Especially against both clandestine bridging and PHBs who don't know better?"

Weapon Systems.

Townsfolk left deeply unsatisfied by Bury St Edmunds' 'twig' of a Christmas tree

hplasm Silver badge
Thumb Up

Re: I come to Bury St Edmunds...

----->

nice one!

hplasm Silver badge
Coat

Re: Goodness

"there is a Christmas tree already set up just south of the White House"

With a wiiggy effigy of The Great Trumpkin Pumpkin on top?

hplasm Silver badge
Pint

Christmas Experience for their retail tenants?

Tennants Xmas retail experience?

36 pack with holly on top!

UK rail lines blocked by unexpected Windows dialog box

hplasm Silver badge
Pint

Re: Isambard Kingdom Brunel now rotates in his grave!!

+1 for 'Fad Propellers'!

hplasm Silver badge
Coat

Where's Windows for Warships when you need it?

It fails to Surface...

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Windows

Why Windows in the first place on a system with a narrow functional requirement?

Windows 10 Pro goes Home as Microsoft fires up downgrade server

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Only affects insider program - Not correct

"I am not part of any w10 preview / test circle."

You are in the Windows Circle of Hell...

hplasm Silver badge
Pint

Re: Windows 10 users complaining about update borkage

This is for you! --->

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Just go Linux "Take my Linux ... please!"

"Replacing the OS on a computer they bought as a unit would be like buying a car and replacing the engine with a completely different one."

Replacing Windows on a computer they bought as a unit would be like buying a carriage and replacing the horse in front with an engine.

FTFY

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

They can eat it once it comes out the other end of the dog.

That's when they sell it!

Dell upping its margins again: Precision 5530 laptop will sting you for $13m. Yep, six zeroes

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: And that's ...

Gotta sausage-inna-bun.

It's meatish.

Russia inches closer to launching a crew again while NASA waits for a delivery from Germany

hplasm Silver badge
Thumb Up

Might I just say...

Go Electron!

The nights are drawing in. Pour a cup of cocoa and join us for Windows 10 Autumnwatch

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Autumnwatch might come to an end.

A watched turd never rots...

Shift-work: Keyboards heaped in a field push North Yorks council's fly-tipping buttons

hplasm Silver badge
Holmes

Re: Examine them

You missed this icon -->

Grumbling about wobbly Windows 10? Microsoft can't hear you over the clanging cash register

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Conditioning.

""The mainstream are using VHS."

aka

"MS are VHS"

Hasn't the world moved onto DVDs?

hplasm Silver badge
Windows

Re: Conditioning.

"So if it did then it is clearly the fault of the manuf or the person installing it."

It's not our fault you chose to install shit software AND let it be made worse.

#BoringDistopia #RedmondLaw

Unsure why you can't log into Office 365? So is Microsoft

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Incomprehensible complexity

So- don't buy Miscrosoft products, then?

Ok.

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: It's Aglie

The FR is silent...

hplasm Silver badge
Windows

Re: "You'll need the Internet for this"

"Good for you, although consider upgrading to Lotus Shitesuite."

And you are sat, twiddling your thumbs with MS support on-hold music...

Woman who hooked up with over 15 spectres has found her forever phantom after whirlwind romance and plane sex

hplasm Silver badge
Holmes

Well-

"At what point does it become your duty to refer people like this to mental health services?"

Obviously, when their money runs out and/or they ask for it back and/or the public interest that pays you goes away...

Pain in the brain! Kaspersky warns of hackable brain implants

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

"i would insist on having an RS232 socket installed behind one of my ears"

Just sit in this evil looking dentist chair, Neo, whilst I get this big spike ready...

The best way to screw the competition? Do what they can't, in a fraction of the time

hplasm Silver badge

Re: "Ethernet is so much better"

"Nobody has yet mentioned Token Ring. "

i will then....

Th big fat black cables were a nightmare.*

The twisted pair alternative was a fucking nightmare.

*The hermaphrodite plugs were quite neat though. Would fit right in in these gender-fluid days :)

Official: IBM to gobble Red Hat for $34bn – yes, the enterprise Linux biz

hplasm Silver badge
Coat

Re: More some sort of purply colour, I'd have thought

Big Purple Hat?

Ooer, Matron.

BT, beware: Cityfibre reveals plan to shovel £2.5bn under Britain's rural streets

hplasm Silver badge
Flame

Re: Rural streets?

Not London?

Rural.

SQLite creator crucified after code of conduct warns devs to love God, and not kill, commit adultery, steal, curse...

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: I have a code of conduct

"And you'd fail the training course for you've used the word "dick" which is both offensive and sexist."

Don't be an organ!

I ship you knot: 2,400-year-old Greek trading vessel found intact at bottom of Black Sea

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: Wood floats...

"......I still cannot understand how a wooden ship can ever sink!"

It will sink of carefully filled with water by Capricious goats gods., apparently.

Classical education do not be what once it may have.

Zip it! 3 more reasons to be glad you didn't jump on Windows 10 1809

hplasm Silver badge
Facepalm

Well the Unicode problem is easily explained-

It's so that the poor sods that use this abomination can't use the Pile O' Poo emoji in all of their posts about just what a Pile O' Poo it actually is!

#GiantPileOfShit

From dank memes to Krispy Kremes: British uni eggheads claim viral lol pics make kids fat

hplasm Silver badge
Happy

Re: Dear El Reg, as you are a British .co.uk site

"'Digestives'...

This sounds like something that helps you shit - not a damn cookie...""

that's because they are a Biscuit.

Bloody Colonists and their squishy flat buns...

UK defence secretary ponders £50m hit to terminate Capita recruiting contract

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: "Don't government contracts have some sort of get-out clause"

"Cats and dogs really do mix as long as they are integrated properly."

Sounds like a good test for Capita et al.

Microsoft points to a golden future where you can make Windows 10 your own

hplasm Silver badge
Devil

Re: Commerce

"It's turning into an MS Franken Chimera of Chrome OS and Android."

It's the bits that ChromeoS and Android reject, that makes Windows X the best!!

/jingle

Brace yourself, Britain: Health minister shares 'vision' for NHS 'tech revolution'

hplasm Silver badge
Thumb Up

Re: "Health minister shares 'vision'..."

"'Channel tunnel vision'"

Nailed it!

Once more with feeling: Windows 10 October 2018 Update inches closer to relaunch

hplasm Silver badge
Linux

Re: A powerful sense of dread

"Does Linux give you some allergy or something?"

Marsupials are scared of advanced technology..

And penguins.

Microsoft Surface to die in 2019? Not while Redmond keeps making it, er, blush

hplasm Silver badge
Windows

Re: Surface phone?

"I demand a third (smart) option."

From Microsoft?

Hahaha.

In Windows 10 Update land, nobody can hear you scream

hplasm Silver badge
Mushroom

Re: Do you people work in I.T?

And you either don't work in IT, or don't work in IT- ie a PHB.

Sod off you troll.

hplasm Silver badge
Thumb Up

Re: What is new about this update?

Bug Tuesday!

AI's next battlefield is literally the battlefield: In 20 years, bots will fight our wars – Army boffin

hplasm Silver badge
Holmes

Re: AI ? We don't need no steenking AI.

"Yeah, about that - it always honestly puzzled me."

Instructions for US grunts...in the darkness.

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