* Posts by northern monkey

199 publicly visible posts • joined 10 Jun 2009

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Good Housekeeping readers play hunt the G-spot

northern monkey

@House advert fail

Perhaps not - maybe it was made using a kit and the owner is really saying 'Girth matters - live here and you too could impress the ladies'

Though since it doesn't look like that house has seem a woman's touch perhaps the owner wasn't bothered about satisfying the ladies.

northern monkey
Alert

@/dev/me

Can we have more comments starting with "When I was a little Dutch boy". It is perhaps one of the most amusing yet simultaneously worrying starts to a comment I've read (second to "APK") - I really didn't know where you were going with it.

northern monkey
Paris Hilton

Surely a publication...

..such as Good Housekeeping should be suggesting love eggs so the good housewife can get on with rubbing beeswax into woodwork, making jam etc., whilst getting her double-A powered fix.

Ohio armed robber asked victim for a date

northern monkey
Coffee/keyboard

@lukewarmdog

Out of those I think number 17 has to be my favourite! :

17) Ferocious attack kitten

"This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it. For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house."

Number 5 was just a frightening reminder of some of the odder perversions out there.

Sonic the Hedgehog to make 2D comeback

northern monkey
Thumb Down

Might be 2D in the platform sense....

but it looks from the ad and photo that the graphics are still going to be upsettingly 3D (that rotating ring, for example, is far too polished for my liking - bring back yellow crosshatching!!)

Though at least it's a step back to the good old days - 3D games just annoy me, too many degrees of freedom for my liking (read: I get lost, often).

Microsoft pulls Windows 7 balloons from Euro 'launch parties'

northern monkey
Paris Hilton

What flummoxes me is..

...what the hell are the finding so amusing about the Windows 7 installation process? Is it really just hitler with flashing eyes as observed/made up by xkcd http://xkcd.com/528/ ? Or have some scampish developers replaced some graphics so the inevitable 'Browse the web more securely than ever' actually shows firefox, and the 'Productivity' bit shows openoffice...

Microsoft pimps bogus Windows 7 'launch parties'

northern monkey
Pint

@Will 3

I can't speak for what the situation is on the other side of the pond but in Blighty balloons are the sign of a party that is not going to be much fun - at least adult parties. A table covered in bottles of booze and a set of decks is more impressive, but obviously their photoshop skills weren't up to that one.

Mind you, the fact everyone is huddled round a single computer watching a progress bar ticking along (does it follow the WFCTEP [windows file copy time estimation protocol]?) doesn't exactly scream fun fun fun to me. Though judging by the black girl in the middle's face they're watching 1 guy 1 jar or some equally horrible video.

northern monkey
Linux

Aah..

...just reminiscing about some of APKs more lucid and readable (but equally trolllike) posts:

by Aaron Kempf June 17, 2009 12:49 PM PDT

who cares about ACID?

I want firefox and chrome to be able to do everything that IE does before I begin to care!!!

Aaaw bless his cotton socks - he's a proper little MS fanboi he is! Though I suppose they need everyone they can get. Do you want someone to get your mummy because all these nasty people have upset you? If you can't read this Aaron I suggest you run it through a script which arbitrarily capitalises and/or puts words into inverted commas --- it seems to be your preferred mode of WRITING.

northern monkey
Thumb Up

@@NORTHERN MONKEY + @DAN 10

Aah, it's Aaron Kempf of 'gets sacked from jobs for his rage' fame and his SQL fanboiism.

And, FYI, I think you'll find physics *is* physics, being a singular (yet wide) branch of science and not a collection of branches of science. Smack that, bitch.

northern monkey
Megaphone

@APK

On behalf of everyone having to scroll through your absurdly long posts:

Shut. The. F**k. Up.

Whether or not your posts are technically sound fall far to the side of the fact that they are too long for us to care about reading.

northern monkey
WTF?

Seven hundred fifty dollars!

What sort of mini-notebook laptop personal computer costs 35 grand??

New IIS attacks (greatly) expand number of vulnerable servers

northern monkey
Paris Hilton

Could someone explain to me..

...why Microsoft have to wait until tuesday to apply patches? I know the ones coming out on tuesday don't apply to this vuln, but if the patches are critical like they say surely waiting until tuesday (every time!) is just - well - stupid!?

Paris, well because it's just a bit blonde!

Man remanded for extreme porn offences

northern monkey
Joke

@AC 13:17

"You're hardly going to own something you never use or look at, are you?"

Dan Brown books?

northern monkey
Linux

Quite concerning...

It's the sort of thing people (ok, my uni housemates and me) used to leave on each others screens to take the piss. Rather worrying that it now carries a custodial sentence all by itself. It's also worrying that police computer forensics people who are busy enough are being diverted to work on "lightweight" cases such as this.

Tux, well just use your imagination - I'm afraid of breaking wacky jacqui's law.

Microsoft adds Ping to Bing, leaves Windows Live in dark

northern monkey
Badgers

Correction:

"No, sorry, without any interaction with other MS apps or services it's pointless for me," noted one comment from Windows Live user Peter on Microsoft's Bing & Ping blog post.

I think you meant:

"No, sorry, without any interaction with other MS apps or services it's pointless for me," noted one comment from the only Windows Live user Peter on Microsoft's Bing & Ping blog post.

MSI brings ultra-skinny laptop to Blighty

northern monkey
Thumb Down

What...

..no guys catching it between their arse cheeks for us Brits then?! For shame, MSI, for shame.

iPhone rescue girl gets head stuck down bog

northern monkey
Alert

Oh god...

..that's horrible. Those trough toilets are truly disgusting - the only thing that makes them slightly bearable is the fact you have open air above you. You can hear the aims and misaims of those in the adjoining stalls and frankly the only thing I would lean in to rescue from the bottom of one of those things would be a child.

Apple Store pillaged in 31 seconds

northern monkey
FAIL

Oh come on..

...do people seriously believe that piece of substandard editing is "the next stage in apple's advertising campaign". The last shot is a standard catalog shot of a macbook with some text overlaid onto the screen, and it comes up too jarringly to be true Apple handiwork (god, I sound like a gushing fanboi - I'm not, believe me!)

I've got to say though the times I've been in apple stores I've been very tempted to do a runner with some kit - I'm certainly never going to pay ridiculously over the odds (that being their natural price) for a mac, so it's the only way. They do make it handy though if you want to ssh into a remote machine - I did an hours work from the soho (NY) store once.

Breaching Fort Apache.org - What went wrong?

northern monkey
Thumb Up

Refreshing...

...better than the standard 'suffered a security breach [no details here], however we wish to reassure no user's data were at risk...'

Also such a detailed disclosure serves as a reminder of best practice (and worst practice!) to admins everywhere (I'm sure there were plenty that read the article and suddenly thought- hmmm, probably should implement that actually). Round of applause to Apache - maybe could've done better beforehand but certainly couldn't have dealt with it any better. Any other major sw houses care to follow? No, though not.

German inventor gushes over portable women's weebag

northern monkey
Pint

I think the problem...

...with she-wees is that you're still left with a liquidy problem at the end of it all - not great in a car, etc. The male version sounds great for festivals - sounds better than keeping a large bottle in that antechamber bit.

Lager because let's face it, it's the cause of moist toilet emergencies.

Japan's first lady visits Venus

northern monkey
Alien

Nutjob...

My god he does have very prominent eyes - has he ever been to Roswell? And is it technically an UFO if you're riding it - I mean it's obviously a Venusian scout craft send to fetch the consorts of Earth's prime ministers or future prime ministers, which certainly goes some of the way to explaining why Cherie Blair had such a weird smile.

Windows 7 versus Snow Leopard — The poison taste test

northern monkey
Thumb Up

I'm glad..

..the dockbar zooming thing can be turned off - it's always made me feel a bit dizzy and sick.

And at paul brain I thought exactly the same when I saw the openXML comment - not that any of us could've predicted that we'd be in exactly that situation. ECMA deserve one big slap!!

Also nice to hear apple have gone with the F8 thing - been using ctrl-alt-fkeys in linux forever to get extra logins - always handy if X decides to have one of its moments.

Men far worse than women on password security

northern monkey
Thumb Up

I used to be quite bad with passwords...

...but fortunately got better recently - mainly due to an explosion in the number of passwords I can remember thanks to my work turning password expiry on and requiring absurd complexity and further following that 4chan hack of the christian group members' facebooks. That said they're all written down in my desk drawer.

Oh, and Ms Bee - love the post-it!!

Arms biz: Your taxes mainly go on our fat salaries! Ha ha!

northern monkey
Alert

@Steven Jones

Phew - I thought I'd missed something! Not a lot seems to have changed on BBC news today and I thought I might be stuck with some cached version.

Not that I want WWIII to start, but it would've added some interest to a slow news day.

Secret US spontaneous human combustion beam tested

northern monkey
Happy

@winning rehtoric

I can see it now - a guy opens up a box to find a ".50 cal gps timed love shell" and is bemused as to what happened to his fleshlight-a-like but gives it a go, just in case.

Boffins fail to detect Moon's strangeness

northern monkey

@Paul Young

These strangelets are large (from a high-energy physicist's point of view) and presumed to be stable, the mixing effects you're referring to happen at high-energy (small distance) scales so it's pretty safe to neglect mixing. Even at high energy I would think it might be OZI suppressed.

I'm more amused that they're testing soil from some secret film studio in Nevada for stuff they expect to find on the Lunar surface :P

Illinois bright spark sparks car inferno

northern monkey
Flame

@Juan Inamillion @me

Certainly was an "epic fail" [a "twunt"y phrase if ever there were one] on her behalf - a fuel tank is even easier to check if it's full - you can see into the bloody thing!!

Don't troll a flamer!

northern monkey
FAIL

Is this...

..some sort of standard practice in America? Would either knowing your fuel tanks capacity or just getting back in the car and looking at the fuel-meter not just be enough?

<rant>

Whilst Sarah Palin was completely wrong (but funny) with her death panel arguments I really wish the NHS just had a 'no, you're too stupid - you deserve to die' policy - they're not giving that kid who caused his liver to fail after a weekend binge drinking a transplant so why should we save prime Darwin award candidates who, in all likelihood, will do something equally stupid within the next few years.

</rant>

California child kidnapper stalked Street View van

northern monkey
Black Helicopters

@Grease Monkey

Yes, but we all know even if he was proven to be going to the store the media would put a different slant on it, such as:

"It was later found that Garrido was in fact driving to the local hardware store, possibly in order to purchase more tarpaulin to extend the makeshift prison in which Miss Dugard was held, along with her two children"

Though the CBS article seems to state the bleeding obvious: "Garrido needs a psychiatric evaluation"

Snow Leopard security - The good, the bad and the missing

northern monkey
Joke

@Some maths

..unless the writer used the xkcd random number generator

http://xkcd.com/221/

or the dilbert random number generator

http://clipmarks.com/clipmark/4905F106-063A-401C-8631-392E2E49652A/

northern monkey
Flame

Oh good god!

This thread is painful!! Right, here we go, sorry if it's too much truth at once but:

* Windows has its insecurities, its advantages and its disadvantages

* Mac OS X has its insecurities, its advantages and its disadvantages

* Linux (*all* distros) has its insecurities, its advantages and its disadvantages.

Now can we all stop being win/mac/lin-tards and just see the bigger picture - security is important for every OS, no OS is above patching security flaws, implementing the latest security techniques and requiring AV software. Every machine, at some stage, is going to be targeted by some sort of malicious attack regardless of the OS its running. Some are harder to crack than others but lets face it - hackers love a challenge!

I'm sure some are wondering which OS this prophet of truth uses - I use linux at both work and home (fedora and AIX at work, and I used to use fedora at home but got a dell netbook so am stuck with ubuntu NR for a while).

northern monkey

@Volker Hett

different machines => (mostly) different randomisations

I'm willing to concede that in all likelihood there's a hole somewhere that means an exploit can carefully watch and if it waits long enough manage to map out a route to the heap/stack, though I'd imagine that might take a suspiciously large amount of code to go unnoticed.

AppleT&T's MMS legal woes double

northern monkey

@OrsonX

Well frankly if the staff in the AT&T stores are as knowledgeable (I use that word reluctantly) about the tariff's features as those at the O2 stores here are then their answer may bear no resemblance to fact. In fact that disclaimer is engraved in mouseprint* on the floor near the bottom of display units in every O2 store.

*may or may not be true.

Linux guru: interface innovation is the challenge

northern monkey
Flame

@magnetik

Er, TBH, it sounds like you're never going to be happy with anything unless it comes with an Apple sticker on it (and has a stupidly high price tag and absurdly restrictive licensing to boot). And are you kidding me with that mac os 8.0 comment - it looks like windows 3.1!

http://www.guidebookgallery.org/screenshots/macos80

And one last thing you're obviously not so good with the reading, that was from Enlightenment 0.17, and it's 0 because much like emacs it's very modest and never wishes to call itself perfect (unlike windows, for instance, which microsoft seemed perfectly happy to charge people an arm and a leg for an alpha copy of version 7 aka vista)

northern monkey
Linux

@Fucking right

Are you telling me this

http://enlightenment.org/i/az-desktop.png

looks like a poor-man's XP??

Enlightenment (something you seem far from having experienced) has always been at the bleeding edge of linux WMs - and before you start saying 'it copied the transparency from windows blah blah blah' it's had transparency since I first encountered it about 10 years ago, when the most exciting UI innovation microsoft could come up with was a colour gradient in the window border!

And as users above have commented on how difficult it can be to achieve things in linux they're obviously taking advice from the wrong forums - the beauty of linux (at least some distros) as it stands is that there is the easy GUI way to do something and the build from source satisfying all your own dependencies rebuild your own sodding kernel way. If people can't see that this is why linux is so powerful and attractive to some users then I'm not entirely sure why they have a register account. Linux has come a long long long way from the days when you had to run xf86config to setup xwindows and just keep your fingers crossed that your monitor wasn't going to blow up.

Breakfast cereal freebie CD dishes up hard-core smut

northern monkey
Happy

Poor guy

"I called my boyfriend to check if he had been using my computer, but he told me he hadn't."

I sure his denial came faster than the speed of light (no pun intended). As that comedian whose name escapes me says 'Who says men are bad at multitasking - have you seen us when we nearly get caught watching porn!'

Canucks crack whip on Facebook privacy

northern monkey
Thumb Down

I can't stand...

...these posthumous tributes. I recall one (I think it was for the brother of a footballer) which said "Maths lessons were no good without you" - what kind of tribute is that, poor boy!

That said if (sorry, when) I die and it turns out the big white man in the sky isn't actually just a character in a piece of widely read fiction (I doubt I'd get through the gates tbh, I've done several things God would be displeased by) I'll be hoping for some decent tributes.

WPA keys gone in 60 seconds

northern monkey
Thumb Up

impressive

I can't even type in the key in 60 seconds!!

Microsoft FATtens up patent portfolio

northern monkey
Gates Horns

Embracing...

...and little bit of extending then *BAM* extinguish.

It's the Microsoft way and we wouldn't expect anything different.

Blazing laptop of death claims one

northern monkey
Unhappy

I'm happy to have amusing titles..

..but can we keep them to articles that haven't involved fatalities? It just seems a little insensitive, is all.

Oh, that's unless it's the death of figures of fun such as Michael Jackson - then my hypocritical side comes out and I'll laugh.

Sharp intros 5in ARM-based netbook

northern monkey
Troll

@Not wanting to be a dick about it, but

Yet somehow you managed to be. You really are a cazzo enorme.

Poor porn protection hurt Firefox 3 uptake

northern monkey
Linux

it's even worse for gays (or granny porn fans?)

...if you just go to type g in the address bar hoping google's all that shows up. Oopsy!

Tux - because what happens in linux, stays in linux (except when it shows up in your recent files/accidentally got saved to your desktop/is still in your trash/flashes up in firefox/starts playing with the volume up full)

UK population to abandon Midlands

northern monkey
Thumb Down

So..

...people from the north west, wales and south-east have the most loyalty to where they live, people find cider alluring, the brummy accent repulsive, leicester boring and find the north sea wind in winter perhaps the single most depressing thing you can ever have to face, especially when you're already feeling pretty crap.

Oh, and Orange have shit geography, which explains why they seem to put their masts away from where people actually need them. Though out of interest it would be nice to see what this map turns out like now they've announced getting up and down the east coast is going to be even less easy in comparison to the west coast (and conversely getting from birmingham to london is going to take 46 minutes) by 2030, or whatever arbitrary target they set on the high-speed train.

Yahoo! News confused on theft of Lego giraffe's todger

northern monkey

@Simon B

Have you seen the admission cost for legoland!! The money has to be going somewhere, and now we learn it's replacing missing body parts.

AMD Bulldozer core to weave multiple threads

northern monkey

@MarkOne

I think the icon you were looking for was "Warning: Troll Alert"

Wikipedia to crack down on celebrity Wikideaths

northern monkey
Alert

Oh good...

...the WikiPolice have official powers now. There are some people who are so overly protective of the articles to which they have contributed (note I choose not to say *their* articles) that they literally revert every single edit, whether it improves the readability or factual content or not. IMHO it is these people that are the problem with wikipedia, yet they seem to be showered with high-school awards from the wiki foundation!

Doctor investigated for posting inkblots to Wikipedia

northern monkey
Thumb Down

sue google then...

There's a very detailed discussion of what one might see in google books (and it's rather easy to get hold of psychiatry journals since they're in the public domain where one can study the effects of gender bias, preexisting conditions, etc on the results). The plates are missing but I'm sure a visit to the local bookshop might throw something up. I'm off to mess with my psychiatrists mind...

Basically they haven't got a leg to stand on.

http://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=9_DTP0QtjAMC&oi=fnd&pg=PA5&dq=Rorschach&ots=8g1ExqwWID&sig=rd0wxn2rCdxKle2Z4wqhbEGnwTs#v=twopage&q=&f=false

northern monkey
Stop

@Adam Salisbury

One typically performs blind tests using tests that mean something!

Shock jock blames Britain for hack attack

northern monkey
FAIL

Where's my remote... it's time for fox news.

He seems to be avoiding the careful distinction between Scotland and the UK, which I've noticed the more sane American media outlets seem to have taken great care to highlight during this issue.

Unfortunately they're probably only bought by the Americans who are already aware that Scotland has its own legal system, is a different country and in many respects is its own political jurisdiction. The rest think Tony Blair is the prime minister of England, of which Scotland is a county and Wales is a town and Northern Ireland is a little island somewhere off the north coast of London.

(calm down, if you're on here you're probably not one of the ones to which I'm referring).

Apple admits iPhone apps not suitable for business

northern monkey

Erm...

...so are apple saying that the person in the advert in which they make a card transaction, generate a receipt, setup the shipping etc. is doing it for pleasure? Perhaps this would actually be a useful case for the ASA to intervene in, rather than their usual 'my child, if I had one, could be offended by the overly large package the new and improved Mr Muscle is packing' moans.

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