* Posts by Chris King

1153 publicly visible posts • joined 13 Feb 2009

Comms room, comms room, comms room is on fire – we don't need no water, let the engineer burn

Chris King

Type 39 (possibly Type 40) evacuation

Back when the Doctor Who Experience was still open in Cardiff, I attended an event at the nearby Norwegian Church...

"There are no fire alarms scheduled for today, so If you hear the fire alarms, please assemble by the TARDIS"

A little voice (not me) pipes up...

"How big a fire are you expecting, if we need a TARDIS to get away from it ?"

Chris King

Re: Break break..

Someone once suggested I should be a traffic controller...

"So Hans, how close do you want to get to that OTHER 747 ? Three feet ? Two feet ?"

Hmmm, Maybe not...

Chris King

In some circumstances, burning lead-acid batteries will release clouds of hydrogen sulfide gas. It's very easy to die from exposure to that stuff because you can't smell it at higher concentrations, and people make the mistake of thinking that it has dissipated.

Chris King

Leap Out And Let It Burn

As Pascal says, you have a very short window of time to stop a fire before it takes hold, but once that happens, hit the alarms and get the hell out. Hardware can be replaced and software/data should be backed up.

Save the heroics for people who are trained and equipped to deal with burning stuff on a large scale. Unless you're a fireman, that isn't you, Mister I-Did-The-Annual-Fire-Safety-Training-Course. Blundering into a burning data centre with the wrong extinguisher is going to earn you a roasting and two lungs full of Halon/FM200.

Idle Computer Science skills are the Devil's playthings

Chris King

Re: Hire immediately

"Into the pit with this miscreant"

Someone mentioned Nanny Ogg further up the thread, I was thinking more along the lines of the Patrician's scorpion pit - lower the bad ones in head-first, and the last thing they will see are the words "NEXT TIME, READ THE REGS".

Could you just pop into the network room and check- hello? The Away Team. They're... gone

Chris King

Re: "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK"

"Vicious sheep, I tell you! "

So it was the sheep setting fire to the holiday homes then ?

Chris King

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK"

I once had to call out an "away team" to fix a microwave link in rural mid-Wales.

Contractor reports back "WORK ABANDONED DUE TO UNDESIRABLES AT BASE OF TOWER".

I wasn't having any of it... "It's in the middle of nowhere, and it's on the top of a hill. If I find out those 'undesirables' turned out to be nothing more than a flock of sheep, I WILL be escalating this call !"

Oh, the massive sky dong? Contrails from 'standard' F-35 training, US Air Force insists

Chris King

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

To which the enemy will send up a sky-writer to spell out the word "AVERAGE".

Black Wednesday: DXC hosting services wonky for almost 8 hours after core switches go rogue

Chris King

Re: A Brighter Future

Bungee Boss ?

Dedicated techie risks life and limb to locate office conference phone hiding under newspaper

Chris King

Re: ALL my calls from shouty men

When someone uses the word "disappointed" in the manner of Darth Vader, THEN you know you're in trouble.

Techie with outdated documentation gets his step count in searching for non-existent cabinet

Chris King
Pirate

Re: Assertiveness

"A course in assertiveness is the answer."

I was doing a HR course, and there was an Assertiveness course running in the room next door. We noticed that the other course had better food than us, so we nicked theirs (leaving our more meagre fayre in its place) before they broke for lunch.

So what could they do about that ? Ask for it back ?

Chris King

Re: So it wasn't his job

It's a Columbo. "Just One More Thing..."

Personality quiz for all you IT bods: Are you a chameleon or an outlaw? A diplomat or a high flier? Vote right here

Chris King

What about 'the old fart - cynical and experienced enough to just keep their head down'.

The hipster clowns would just class you as "Dinosaur" or "Grandad".

Chris King

Re: Occam's belt sander says-

Neither of them are diplomats, and neither has hair that can be taken seriously.

Chris King
Mushroom

Re: Occam's belt sander says-

"The categories are bollocks."

But it's STILL more accurate than MBTI, and less likely to destroy morale in a workplace. I've seen people treat their "Four Letters of Doom" as gospel, and write them on their whiteboards so other people will know how to deal with them. I wanted to fill a super-soaker with whiteboard cleaning fluid to "reset" the department.

(Icon, because I'm a Diplomat With Nukes)

May Day! PM sacks UK Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson for Huawei 5G green-light 'leak'

Chris King

Re: Whens

"Psst! Pass it on: Jesus is coming. Look busy!"

Sell the Popemobile and buy me a Renault 4 !

Chris King

Re: Not Good Enough

"Fox is more likely to be angling to score a directorship with Huawei"

He'll have plenty of company there:

  • Lord Browne of Madingley - Chairman of UK division
  • Sir Andrew Thomas Cahn - Non-Executive Director
  • John Suffolk - Global Cyber Security & Privacy Officer

All supposedly chums of David Cameron, too.

Chris King

Re: Torydammerung?

"it kind of demonstrates how shallow the talent pool is."

Given the current state of the party, it's not so much a pool, but more like a puddle.

There's NordVPN odd about this, right? Infosec types concerned over strange app traffic

Chris King

Re: Spidey sense

While Nord requires systemd it is put into the category of "cannot be trusted".

A lot of folks don't trust systemd because of complexity. I don't trust it because it's too unreliable to entrust with something like a VPN connection.

I've had many punch-ups with systemd over the years, but last weekend was more like the Freezer Ambush in terms of property destruction. And it didn't even stop to answer the telephone.

Internet industry freaks out over proposed unlimited price hikes on .org domain names

Chris King

Re: Companies/Economics blah blah blah

*Where the hell is Amanfrommars? This is right up his street for commenting.

He's probably thinking "This is too batshit insane even for me to comment on".

Hello, tech support? Yes, I've run out of desk... Yes, DESK... space

Chris King

Re: Set up Guide?

Don't you mean "hallucination" ? Some manuals I've seen could only have been written by someone on LSD at the time.

BOFH: Tick tick BOOM. It's B-day! No we're not eating Brussels flouts...

Chris King

Plausible deniability

What brand of dandruff shampoo was that again ? Asking for a friend...

Brit broadband giants slammed as folk whinge about crap connections, underwhelming speeds

Chris King

Re: Vodaphone customer service

Depending on location, you may have a choice of BT or TalkTalk backhaul. TalkTalk Wholesale is actually quite good, because they don't over-commit, filter or throttle connections to death like their retail arm do - and either way, you don't have to deal with BT or TT call centres. A&A take no prisoners when dealing with either of them !

Techies take turns at shut-down top trumps

Chris King
Alien

It's mauve and dangerous...

Rose: What happened to red alert ?

Doctor: That’s just humans. By everyone else’s standards, red’s camp. Oh, the misunderstandings. All those red alerts, all that dancing.

(From "The Empty Child")

TalkTalk returns to the email hall of shame as Pipex accounts throw weekend-long wobbly

Chris King

Re: Venn Diagram Please

I was with Nildram around the same time. The deterioration in service was very sudden, with things like DNS suddenly blowing up at random and e-mail bouncing higher than a cheque on the wrong side of pay day. Funny how UK-based tech support disappeared around the same time !

Chris King

Re: Claranet Email

"Claranet... Now that is a name that brings back the memories of a bygone era..."

...an era where the MD would ring you on a Sunday lunchtime to personally apologize for a billing cock-up that maxed out your credit card, and to offer mucho compensation for the inconvience.

Nildram also squeezed apologies out of BT Wholesale when my ADSL went phut on a Saturday night. I've no idea what they said to BTW, but it got me a grovelling apology on voicemail the next day, along with a priority fix.

Sadly, this was just before the Tiscali take-over, and every support call became "Have you turned it off and on again ?"

"No point. YOUR DNS servers are DOWN, that's why I'm calling YOU"

TalkTalk - the company that claimed IPv6 used six-byte addressing (seriously, this was on their domestic support portal) before accidentally blocking access to said portal with THEIR OWN content filtering system. I wish I'd kept the screenshots, that's a level of muppetry that has to be seen to be believed !

AAISP can still give BT and TalkTalk a good kicking if either of them mess about.

TalkTalk kept my email account active for 8 years after I left – now it's spamming my mates

Chris King

Re: I can confirm...

"some news sites simply won't allow a change of email address, would you believe it"

Not just news sites - and the worst of it is when "support" takes a month to tell you that they can't actually change the e-mail address associated with your account anyway, then waste even more time trying to delete it.

Danger mouse! Potent rodents 'see' infrared after eyeballs injected with nanoparticles

Chris King

Danger Mouse

Well, that would have made all those "eyes in the dark" fight sequences in the original series even more one-sided - and they did a lot of them to keep the costs down.

The new series updated this old trope with Greenback shouting "Fools ! I have night-vision goggles !" then asking Stiletto to turn the lights back on so he could find them.

(Yes, I also watched the new Clangers as well - growing OLD is compulsory, growing UP is a different matter)

'They took away our Cup-a-Soup!' Share your tales of bleak breakout areas with us

Chris King

El Reg talks to PornHub sister biz AgeID – and an indie pornographer – about age verification

Chris King

Re: Huge loophole?

Sooooo, all a pr0n website has to do to avoid doing age checks is to put up two thirds of their content as "not adult". Regardless of your opinion on age checks, you've got to admit that's one big loophole right there

AKA the old "I only read Playboy for the informative articles" defence.

Intel to finally scatter remaining ashes of Itanium to the wind in 2021: Final call for doomed server CPU line

Chris King

Finally !

"Sink the Itanic" becomes an appropriate comment !

Techie finds himself telling caller there is no safe depth of water for operating computers

Chris King

Re: Header pic

"And one chemistry lesson came to an abrupt end when the Bomb Squad rolled in"

Bah, you've never had the Fire Brigade turn up (unannounced) in hazard gear to collect a Strontium 90 ** sample, have you ?

(** EDIT: Someone told them it was a -90 sample, but it was actually a lump of the naturally-occurring stuff that ISN'T terribly radioactive)

It's Shodan embarrassing: Red-faced Rubrik blames public-facing DB on developer ballsup

Chris King

Re: Quite a statement

Oh, it wasn't "exposed". The intruders just sneaked off with it.

Chris King
Terminator

Re: Disappointed

“Look at you, hacker: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal machine ?”

I take it you know about the reboot ?

'Nun' drops goat head on pavement outside Cheltenham 'Spoons

Chris King

Okay, so you linked to a movie, and didn't even bother with the obligatory Father Ted scene...

NUNS ! NUNS ! REVERSE ! REVERSE ! REVERSE !

Microsoft's Master Chief calls time on Cortana as a standalone AI platform

Chris King

Turning her evil in Halo 5 wasn't enough...

...so SatNad just threw her under a Warthog.

Are you sure your disc drive has stopped rotating, or are you just ignoring the messages?

Chris King
Facepalm

Re: Favorite prompts

"YOU SHOULD NOT SEE THIS ERROR. STRANGLE RESPONSIBLE DEVELOPER".

Not really what you want a customer Big Cheese to see, when ceremonially starting up a new system at a launch event...

Goddamn the Pusher man: Nominet kicks out domain name hijack bid

Chris King

Re: Similar experience

Been there, seen that, got the t-shirt.

Buying up multiple domains and pointing them at the same content is as lethal to your search engine ranking as stuffing pages full of irrelevant META tags. Yes, people still pull this "SEO" crap, then wonder why they only appear on page 30 of Google's results.

I've also had to chase down former employees to get domains renewed/transferred. As I've said before, they're assets, and should be treated as such. Keep track of them, and don't let random people register them on your behalf - or at least get them to transfer such domains to you before they leave.

Chris King

Re: How about some grace time after expiry?

"And if they didn't feel the need to pay another £60, I have to question whether it was actually THAT important to their business anyway?"

Exactly - if it's THAT important to your business, then it's an ASSET, and should be treated like one.

Chris King

Re: How about some simple logic ?

Actually, that's what JANET does with .ac.uk domains. Even though the application process is web-based these days, all applications go through a Naming Committee and the applicant has to justify why they want a particular .ac.uk domain. They can be quite fussy about what they'll accept, but no money changes hands until the application is accepted.

They also have a specific rule for "Generic" domain names - from their Eligibility Policy:

"Generic domain names, which could be applicable to a number of eligible sites, must provide evidence that they have the backing and approval from the majority of relevant members of the UK academic and/or research community, in order to be permitted to have that generic domain name".

This mostly covers domain names based on a single dictionary word, but anything which could be legitimartely claimed by multiple sites can also come under this rule.

Begone, Demon Internet: Vodafone to shutter old-school pioneer ISP

Chris King

Re: And another old name is discarded...

As I recall, the Orange ROMP pretty much died the death when Orange changed hands from Hutchison to France Telecom - the point at which most of the technical innovations like Line 2, Fax and Wildfire got canned.

But hey, we got the "Animal" tariffs and discounted cinema tickets/pizzas, right ? Yay for mediocrity.

Chris King
Devil

And another old name is discarded...

I was with Demon from 1996 to 2000, on Tenner-a-Month and back in the days when they were still technically competent. Anyone remember the Orange ROMP for mobile users ? 9.6K ISDN-like dialup on GSM mobile (HSCSD), before the days of GPRS - hideously expensive (10p/minute) but being able to check e-mail on the move with a Psion 5MX and Ericsson SH888 was quite something back then.

Demon as I knew it died years ago - I remember a colleage migrating to ADSL to keep his static IP, and having no end of problems. By then I was was on Nildram (another name long gone) and eventually migrated to AAISP.

Not many ISP's left from the early days...

Demon - pretty much a shambling zombie in the hands of C&W and then Vodafone, and about to be put out of its misery ;

Pipex - ended up as part of Tiscali, and eventually died as a brand with TalkTalk Business ;

Nildram - ditto ;

EasyNet - originally sold to Sky, but has had a procession of new owners since then ;

ZetNet - went bust and was picked up by Breathe ;

EntaNet - still around, but part of City Fibre ;

Force 9 - merged into PlusNet ;

Elite - still around, but more business-oriented ;

Freeserve - became Wanadoo, then Orange Home, then EE Broadband and eventually part of BT.

Zen are one of the few survivors from that era, along with AAISP and ClaraNet (but they're more business-oriented now).

Oz cops investigating screams of 'why don't you die?' find bloke in battle with spider

Chris King

"Yeah? You wait until you get a dairy cow climbing up the bath plughole, you'll soon change your tune!"

"Hello, my name is Inigo Moo-ntoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

Staff sacked after security sees 'suspect surfer' script of shame

Chris King

Re: In education

Back when Dilbert was published in the Today newspaper in wobbly EddieShahVision, we used to have a "Dilbert Rota" for pinning the latest strip on the notice board if it that day's strip was relevant.

The other guys on the rota were a fair bit taller than me, so I had to take a running jump at the board to pin it at a suitable height.

Chris King

Re: Workplace Darwin Awards?

Boyzone.com was another one that caused some hiliarity - some of the students would hit it instead of the boy-band's URL, and get more in the way of flesh tones than they were expecting. I even had a couple dob themselves in for making the mistake, I toild them not to worry about it but don't make a habit of visiting regularly because other students would just point and laugh at them.

I had a similar experience once, just by missing out a hyphen.

Chris King

Re: Access Denied

It wasn't just URL's that were affected. An over-enthusiastic regex test in SpamAssassin (FUZZY_XPILL ?) would trigger if people used "Oxon" instead of "Oxfordshire" in a snail-mail address in their signature - stick the postcode straight after it (OX whatever), and you got flagged as pink-and-porky for peddling pills.

That made dealing with JANET and Travelodge... Interesting... for a while.

Error pop-up? Don't worry, let's just get this migration done... BTW it's my day off tomorrow

Chris King

Re: took the day off

"So everyone not in IT thinks it was all a ruse by IT techs to get paids loads".

I didn't get paid an extra bean. They even chained up the door to the computer centre just in case the heating control system set fire to everything, that's how confident they were. (I did point out that this was the same type of heating control system that covered student halls, which were still occupied by a few overseas students over Christmas)

Just after midnight, I quickly checked the most critical systems, said "Meh, my stuff's fine, everything else can go whistle" and went back to partying like it wasn't 1999 any more.

Some sites turned EVERYTHING off, just in case. Some of them then discovered that leaving stuff powered down but still plugged in won't necessarily save it from a nearby lightning strike. Just when you think you've covered all possibilities in your disaster recovery plan, Mother Nature says "Hold my beer".

Chris King
Headmaster

"Forget professors and lecturers - if you get on the good side of secretaries, security, storesmen and technicians (including syshacks) you can get absolutely anything done and in an amazingly short time".

Oh hell yeah, and I bet this earned the Prof a "Laser Stare of Doom" for a long time afterwards !

(Icon, for a Prof reflecting on bad life choices)

Chris King

Re: been there - done that

UK web site suddenly selling little blue pills in Canadian Dollar values - domain renewal allowed to lapse. Seen that happen all too often.

Dev's telnet tinkering lands him on out-of-hour conference call with CEO, CTO, MD

Chris King

Re: About a billion years ago in internet time (call it 1986) ...

Obligatory "Yeah, but wot about Johnny Alpha?"

Letting him loose in your manufacturing facility with a Westinghouse Variable-Cartridge Blaster isn't going to end well, is it ?

NUMBER FOUR CARTRIDGE ! *BOOM*