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* Posts by Chris King

988 posts • joined 13 Feb 2009

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SQLite creator crucified after code of conduct warns devs to love God, and not kill, commit adultery, steal, curse...

Chris King
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"To be fair the ten commandments were written on a tablet".

And they came down from a cloud.

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Chris King
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Re: I have a code of conduct

I think along the lines of "Use common sense and don't be a dick towards other people", but these days Equality & Diversity seems to need a manual and a mandatory training course before it is taken seriously.

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Can't get pranked by your team if nobody in the world can log on

Chris King
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You'd leave them a bicycle pump ? Haven't they got lungs ?!

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Google Cloud chief joins Saudi shindig exodus over journalist's worrying disappearance

Chris King
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Terminator

Re: There are Futuristic AI Forks in Roads to be Travelled though, ...

"Unless they control their own batteries and spare parts..."

So when they've tethered us all to giant hamster wheels to charge their batteries (or forced us to work in their factories) we'll know who gave them the idea...

+++ GET BACK INTO LINE MEATBAG +++ WE ALLOWED YOU A TOILET BREAK LAST WEEK +++

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Leaked memo: No internet until you clean your bathroom, Ecuador told Julian Assange

Chris King
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Re: Is Julian's cat leaving little "presents" on the carpet in the Ecuadorian embassy?

"And what happens to Mittens if Julian is thrown in a British pokey??"

Mittens gets a new Forever Home and heaves a big sigh of relief ?

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Chris King
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Maybe they have a point ?

Scrub the bog and scoop the litter tray - even most teenagers get the hang of both eventually, even if there is much wailing of "Awwwwwwww, mum !"

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Chris King
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Re: Please, someone set up a GoFundMe

"The alternative is to cut off supplies of Whiskas, and then the cat poo problem will eventually solve itself. Though that does leave you with the smelly cat corpse problem to deal with"

The cat will just clear off and find another tin-opener. It's not like the cat is subject to arrest if it leaves anyway.

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Chris King
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Re: #FreeEmbassyCat

#MeowToo

#CatLivesMatter (All nine of them)

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Microsoft yanks the document-destroying Windows 10 October 2018 Update

Chris King
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Re: major business software for Windows were made available for other OS

"MS developer best practice"

Ah, the long-winded way of saying "Works for me !"

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Fortnite 'fesses up: New female character's jiggly bits 'unintended' and 'embarrassing'

Chris King
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Facepalm

Obvious question...

How the hell did this get through QA ?

(Yeah, I know, rhetorical question and all that)

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Attempt to clean up tech area has shocking effect on kit

Chris King
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Re: Not everybody appreciates the cleaners - especially robot ones !

Maybe they were making ramps out of ceiling tiles and trying to fly through the air like Evel Knievel, but not sticking the landings ?

(Or more likely not getting up to speed and toppling off the ramps ?)

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Don't get THAT personal, says personalised cards firm Moonpig. Dick pics. They mean dick pics

Chris King
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The "Last Chicken In The Shop" Look

Is that something you'd REALLY want to go for in a greetings card ?

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Chris King
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Re: Mine...

"Hmm, has never starred in a port movie..."

Ships going in out, and depositing seamen ?

Yes, it's the one that looks like a flasher mac ->

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Amazon Alexa outage: Voice-activated devices are down in UK and beyond

Chris King
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Re: RE:So many people, so little understanding

"What utter bollocks. If your woman is called Alex the stupid cylinder tries to join in with sex almost every time."

You'd be in real trouble if the Echo suddenly screams "OH GOD OH GOD I'M CRASHING!"

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Chris King
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Re: I'm affected

"Oh no, my plastic cylinder has stopped talking to me! What am I going to do!"

Talk to real people ?

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Baddies just need one email account with clout to unleash phishing hell

Chris King
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Quite a few do, and more are considering it.

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How an over-zealous yank took down the trading floor of a US bank

Chris King
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Re: stdin?

Some SE courses wouldn't have intersecting circles, believe me.

I worked at a place where students on a so-called "Informatics" degree could avoid programming altogether right up until their final year, and even then they only did Visual Basic.

Seriously.

I confiscated their old Linux box because a departing lecturer thought he could trust the students with root access - as you can guess, it wasn't long before the Conch was smashed and Piggy was killed.

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Chris King
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Coffee/keyboard

Re: Unplugging the keyboard = kernel panic ?

I remember someone unplugging the keyboard on a Sun box to tidy up the cabling.

The reason I remember this is that my boss at the time - a normally placid man - started screaming obscenities at the offender, as he happened to be in the machine room working on another system.

I thought I heard the words "force-fed", "floor tiles" and "without salt" somewhere in that rant.

Icon, but don't get another one - just plug the old one back in and step well away, there's a good chap. Or as the boss-man put it "GET OUT AND LEAVE MY KIT THE FUCK ALONE !"

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You're alone in a room with the Windows 10 out-of-the-box apps. What do you do?

Chris King
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"You're alone in a room with the Windows 10 out-of-the-box apps. What do you do?"

Depends. How many bullets are there in the gun ?

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UKIP flogs latex love gloves: Because Brexit means Brexit

Chris King
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Chris King
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Holmes

"So, I take it people are aware that in the last year or so a bunch of internet trolls and their followers have taken effective control of UKIP?

Business as usual then, I see.

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Chris King
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Coat

UKIP Condoms

For when you want to screw the country but not worry about any unintended consequences.

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Why waste away in a cubicle when you could be a goddamn infosec neuromancer on £50k*?

Chris King
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Re: This is all we need

"In 20 years, the number of firewall or security consultants that actually understand how an IT infrastructure works can be counted on 1 finger.. Let alone 1 hand"

Speak for yourself, I work in a team where all five of us came up "through the ranks", and actually worked with networks, servers and other infrastrucfture before moving over into security and firewalls.

Sure, there are plenty of "more certifications than braincells" types out there, but we're not all that bad.

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Sysadmin misses out on paycheck after student test runs amok

Chris King
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Naming Schemes

You could start a holy war on that subject.

My place now has a generic naming scheme for servers in data centres and VM clusters, but back in the olden days the various teams picked different naming schemes for their kit, and the general rule was "If you don't recognise the name, you leave it well alone".

"Ada" is a bit generic, and could have been relevant to more than one naming scheme. That's just asking for your kit to be accidentally rebooted, or prematurely scrapped, especially if there's more than one of them and people have been lax with record-keeping.

At one point, I was the "go-to" person to suggest names for new machines if people were stuck for ideas. I did get told off for naming one machine"Sicknote", but the Occupational Health folks were pretty cool about it .

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A basement of broken kit, zero budget – now get the team running

Chris King
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"Or was the budget spent on hiring the one person?"

Hugh's salary probably WAS the IT budget.

In a previous job, my salary came out of the furniture budget for several months. I had this recurring nightmare of the auditors coming round and the boss-man having to drape a tablecloth over me - "fine, but don't you dare stick that 20" CRT on my back again !"

(Yes, it's the one with the emergency antimacassars in the pockets...)

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Chris King
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Holmes

Re: When you're set up to fail...

My last couple of jobs could be summed up like this...

Me: Why do I get all the "suicide missions" ?

Boss: Because you usually succeed and manage not to get yourself killed in the process !

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Guess who's still in charge of your gas safety, Brits? Capita

Chris King
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Mushroom

Out of the frying pan...

...and into the rapidly expanding, toasty fireball.

Not using the obvious icon for this, Crapita have a way of creating weapons-grade disasters at great cost to the taxpayer.

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I've seen the future of consumer AI, and it doesn't have one

Chris King
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Mushroom

FIRE ! FIRE ! FIRE !

"I suppose a connected oven will tell you, and hopefully the fire brigade, that your house is on fire".

Maybe it will just e-mail the fire brigade for you ?

Icon, because I'm a terrible cook and I can burn water.

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The future of humanity: A Bluetooth ball hitting your face – forever

Chris King
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Remember when yo-yo's came back into fashion ?

Some snarky little kid almost hit me in the face with a yo-yo and looked rather smug about it...

...until I caught it, broke the string (it wasn't even a very good one) and threw it over a fence into a building site.

"Regrettably, you violated my airspace".

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Beam me up, PM: Digital secretary expected to give Tory conference speech as hologram

Chris King
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Re: Hologram you say?

"But how will we notice the difference?"

The hologram has a shadow ?

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Chris King
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It's either a PR stunt...

...or they're expecting a hostile audience.

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Techie's test lab lands him in hot water with top tech news site

Chris King
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We don't kill our own...

...we just point and laugh.

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Now you can tell someone to literally go f--k themselves over the internet: Remote-control mock-cock patent dies

Chris King
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Insert smutty joke here...

Given the age of the patent, that comes from the era of 3.5" floppies - 'nuff said !

(Coat, because El Reg doesn't have a "We've wounded people for better jokes than that" icon)

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Home Office seeks Brexit tech boss – but doesn't splash the cash

Chris King
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Re: Reports?

"The cover sheets on all reports must be passport blue".

Surely you mean "Passeport Bleu", given that Gemalto got that gig ?

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Too many leftover screws? Ikea website backend goes TITSUP

Chris King
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Facepalm

Oh dear...

They've got three copies of the Disaster Recovery Plan, and none of them match what's in the data centre !

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UK.gov to tech industry: Hands up who can help cut teachers' admin

Chris King
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'Can you just pop in to the office and hit the power button?' 'Not really... the G8 is on'

Chris King
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Riot outside my front door...

I used to live near site on my last job - like two or three minutes walk to work.

This was normally a very peaceful, sleepy little rural town, the sort of place you can drive through and miss it if you blink, but one night the high street turned into a riot zone...

One of the local "ASBO families" (getting your first one was a rite of passage for this lot) were celebrating a wedding, and the reception spilled out on to the town's main road.

At the same time, a server died on site, and I decided to wander down to campus to sort it out - I could have done it remotely but I had to pop out anyway to get some milk.

As I opened my front door, a bar stool shot across my line of sight - had I stepped out a second or two earlier, it would have hit me at head-height.

I could hear screaming, shouting, alarms, sirens, and breaking of glass. Okay, I'll nip out the back door and take a different route.

Returning a few minutes later, I saw various family members being bundled into police vans - they had to call in cops from other nearby towns to assist with this mini-riot, and there was broken pub furniture everywhere in the street.

Bride and groom spent the first night of their honeymoon in the cells at different police stations, from what I could gather.

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Uptight robots that suddenly beg to stay alive are less likely to be switched off by humans

Chris King
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Terminator

T-Bot

If there's one 'bot that needs turning off permanently, that pesky little sod on MS Teams is first in line. You would have thought that they'd learned their lesson with Clippy and Bob, but ohhhhh, no...

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Chris King
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R2D2

He must have been *really* sweary - I mean, they bleeped out everything he said !

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Grad sends warning to manager: Be nice to our kit and it'll be nice to you

Chris King
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Re: Elphin safety

"I admit I got a kick out of telling The Doctor how to resolve his technical difficulties."

I got him to do me a new answer phone message last year - a little perk for backing a play he was in at the Edinburgh Fringe.

He's there again in the same show this year, alongside Robert "EMH" Picardo.

Yes, there is a "Doctor, Doctor" joke in there, and McCoy plays the spoons. Picardo bounces round the (minimal) set like a five-year-old that's had way too many fizzy drinks just before bedtime.

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Chris King
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Re: Sometimes violence is the only answer

"Never underestimate the power of CHRIS especially if he owns an impressive selection of hammers."

This Chris was given a baseball bat as a leaving present from his last job. "We heard you've got more clients in the new job, so we thought this might come in handy - you'll have to add your own razor blades and rusty nails though !"

I have even used it in anger on one occasion - nobody was injured but it made a hell of a racket when I smashed it against a table to break up a fight in my office. Peacekeeping Through Superior Firepower, you could say.

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Chris King
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Re: Sometimes violence is the only answer

THE POWER OF CHRIS COMPELS YOU !!! *whack*

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Chris King
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Re: The laying on of hands

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet"

I'm reminded of the Spitting Image sketch where Pope John Paul II has to read someone the Last Rites, which goes something like "Spiritus Sanctum, de-dum, de-dum... I don't know the rest but hey, no-one ever comes back to complain !!!"

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Sysadmin trained his offshore replacements, sat back, watched ex-employer's world burn

Chris King
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WTF?

Re: Pictures or....

"Classic or New?"

New. 12 downvotes for wailing on Rufus Hound and bad scripts !

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Chris King
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Re: Pictures or....

"Anyway farming donvotes isuch easier and you can doing that just by mentioning Linux..."

Either that, or have a contrarian view about Doctor Who. Worst downvoting I ever got !

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Chris King
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Not quite redundancy...

...but a cautionary tale surrounding fixed-term contracts.

It you have two employees approaching the end of such contracts and you only have funding to extend one contract, make sure you remember to complete the paperwork for the one you want to keep...

Early on in my career, I found myself in that situation - I had hit the top of my pay scale and the post would have to be re-graded to keep me on, the other person was one point off the top of the scale so they just could extend her contract for a year. Simple financial decision, bye Chris.

I found myself another gig and moved on, but about a month later $EX_EMPLOYER rings up asking for help. Seems that they had forgotten to do the paperwork for the other person, and she found another job during her notice period.

Apparently she had cleared her desk on her final day, and walked out as though nothing was wrong. They only realised what had happened when she phoned in the following Monday morning to say that she wouldn't be in work that day - or ever again - because she had a new job.

Did I mention that this was a three-person team before I departed, and (my now former) boss was on holiday at the time ?

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Early experiment in mass email ends with mad dash across office to unplug mail gateway

Chris King
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How much do you think Cisco's paying erstwhile Brit PM David Cameron?

Chris King
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Re: pretty baffling

"Presumably, he got this stint through his contacts in cisco who had too much money to burn"

Maybe they're planning to implode and take the internet with them, blaming it on Juniper ?

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Chris King
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Facepalm

Re: Who is interested enough to hear these planks?

Other planks ?

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