* Posts by Evil Auditor

2619 publicly visible posts • joined 13 Jan 2009

German mayor's browser tabs catch him with trousers down

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Happy

Why can't such weasels just say: "sure, I watch porn on my holiday. So what?!" But instead make it worse and funnier. Thank you, Thomas Köppl.

What would happen if Earth fell into a black hole?

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I seem to remember having recently read something by someone who explained that black holes are indeed hairy. Can't be bothered to search the source though. But now for the most important questions: What would happen, hypothetically, if a black hole appeared out of nowhere next to Earth?

Quite a lot of things, one would imagine. But the probably most devastating effect would be that the universe would be deprived of our heritage of cats and porn videos (cats' porn videos, anyone?). What a bummer.

Boffins' 5D laser-based storage tech could keep terabytes forever

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Our legacy, our duty

...the prospect of a lifespan in billions of years for storage...

Finally we can save tons of cats' videos and -not to forget- porn for the pleasure of our descendants in a so far future that they won't know cats as we do. And our today's will be considered ancient alien porn. Wow!

We're going to use your toothbrush to snoop on you, says US spy boss

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Devil

Re: Tough call

...once you've done that job you realise the tales of sheep-loving farmers are likely to be false...

As any fule (or farmer) kno, it's the goats not the sheep!

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Black Helicopters

Re: Tough call

And if it's an intelligence device, watch out for some special services squad.

NASA charges up 18-prop electric X-plane

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Trollface

TL;DR but that truck is never going to take off.

On a more serious note, this looks like a variation of blowing your own sail. Except this seems to work somehow.

Head transplant candidate sells souvenirs to fund operation

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Trollface

Costs

Items include clocks, coasts and caps...

So, this guy owns coasts (notice the plural) but not a mere $11m?

SCNR

'Printer Ready'. Er… you actually want to print? What, right now?

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Thumb Up

Well done with the flipchart! Such presentations are usually much more involving than slides. Somewhere out there is even an anti powerpoint party. But I guess they are still far from running the country. Or even a company.

(Are you turning into a BOFH with the placing of interspecies erotica?)

BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please

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Pint

Once again I wonder whether Simon gets his inspiration from the place here. Not only do they have great ideas with the feasibility of manned space travel to the moon for £5 per capita, but also utter all day -and night for that matter- the thinnest and stinkiest oral diarrhoea you can imagine. (Btw, also nightly because apparently due to extensive mental masturbation during the day, they won't have the time to write their dumbest e-mails until 2.30 a.m.)

And when you actually want to invest to greatly improve the efficiency of their processes, which had been in place since the dawn of dinosaurs, and lead to considerable savings, they decline because apparently they need to cut costs and hence can't invest anything. Unfortunately they still have quite some funds (besides loads of money already wasted), which will keep them going for years to come. Can hardly wait to see them drown though...

But for now I'll drown it - it's pub o'clock.

Eighteen year old server trumped by functional 486 fleet!

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The COBOL code here is still running and probably will keep doing so for years to come. But for the last 4 or 5 years it's been running in a virtual machine on Intel x86 hardware.

It's Wikipedia mythbuster time: 8 of the best on your 15th birthday

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Re: It may not be perfect but it is stll a great resource.

jake, is that you?

No, must be the missus. Didn't know though that she's busy on El Reg.

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Re: Er, I like Wikipedia

I fully agree that Big Macs taste shitty. But why would you step inside one? And how small are your feet?!

Optimus Prime goes under the hammer

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Re: Merkins say the darndest things

Just a thought: you need a tractor to pull it, so it becomes a trailer?

Switzerland, Spain and France are beating UK at DevOps – survey

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Re: wayasay?!

Not just tupperware in the fridge, but they surely use "containers" also on some management bullshit presentations.

Swiss try to wind up Apple with $25k dumb-watch

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Re: Ive actually said that?

I've always thought that Ive's comment about Swiss watchmakers was tongue-in-cheek. Did I give him too much credit?

Anyway, have another upvote for chav Ikea!

Activist investors want tepid Yahoo! to reboot crashed Marissa Mayer

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"feagues"

One of the few occasions when I had to enquire a dictionary to understand the headline. Before I've read the article. And, to be honest, still not sure if I fully understand it.

Hey, Santa – duck! Space shaft buzzes Earth on Christmas Eve

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Re: Which?

It's this one! And I have sure as death doom proof for it: my terrible headache. I just know that it's asteroid SD220 passing by. What else?!

(Some infidels might blame tonight's feast. But seriously, who'd believe that.)

Top FBI lawyer: You win, we've given up on encryption backdoors

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WTF?

What have I just read? It doesn't make any sense at all. That is, it actually makes a lot of sense, but it doesn't come from the corner which usually is that sensible on those matters.

As others pointed out, makes you wonder what they are really up to...

PHONE me if you feel DIRTY: Yanks and 'Nadians wave bye-bye to magstripe

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Re: Door Access?

Are you sure that you actually work there and are not just part (i.e. guinea pig) of a neo-kafkaesque experiment?

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Happy

So are magstripe cards!

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Cruel and unusual punishment

Swipe cards for hotel rooms, that is. And no, they never - NEVER - open the door on first attempt. A few months ago, in a HK hotel, I had to get a newly written card each day. Until I figured that the occasional proximity of the card to my magnetic money clip rendered the card unreadable. Not that both were even in the same pocket.

Rise of der Maschinen: Daimler trials ROBOT LORRY in Germany

Evil Auditor Silver badge

Re: Sacrificial Board Member?

Or a brave one?

Nah, just the one being oblivious of what's really going on (cf. VW).

'Unexpected item in baggage area' assigned to rubbish area

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Mushroom

Re: I find myself tempted to topple the machines like dominos

Soon enough the robots will negotiate any door with an RPG.

BOFH: Why, I LOVE work courses. Please tell me more, o wise one!

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Maslow

What, no mentioning of Maslow's pile of steaming crap hierarchy of needs?

After hearing about this intellectual construct once too many in one of those "leadership trainings", I eventually gave up on them, refusing to attend another one since. There is one thing though which I've learnt in those trainings: leaders are definitely not created in leadership trainings. At best, they fuck with the brains of second class managers, putting silly ideas of staff motivation in their heads, that wouldn't even work with dogs. Let alone with highly-skilled, cynical engineers.

German prosecutor given Das Boot over Netzpolitik treason charge

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Re: what ship? I see no ship

@Flossy

First, this is El Reg, having a long history of (foreign) language abuse. Second, it probably was the (sub)editor who chose the headline.

And third, it's quite a good headline!

UK.gov wants to stop teenagers looking at tits online. No, really

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David,

Did you have a bad-porn day?!

World-beating TWO-QUADRILLION-WATT LASER fired by boffins

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Yes yes... but does it do pew?

Sysadmins: Your great power brings the chance to RUIN security

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10 reasons why your security training programs aren't working

Seems pretty generic to me and applicable to many presentations. Oh, and no. 11: you rely on PowerPoint.

It’s DEJA VU: Customer forgets to tell us about essential feature AGAIN

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Happy

Re: Déjà vu of a different kind (and a failed Turing test)

"It clicks again on the function and it gets the cattle prod" was my thought...

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Thumb Up

LaeMing, thanks for reminding me - it's what I just watched!

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Facepalm

Déjà vu of a different kind (and a failed Turing test)

Set during software upgrading, trouble-shooting of some sort. Present are the Expert and I.

"Should we try function X?" the Expert asks. - "No, function X is only for model A. We have model B." - "Oh, ok...." with a empty look in his face.

Seventeen minutes and an error message later:

"Should we try function X?" the Expert asks. - "No!? This won't work because it's only for model A." - "Oh"

Twenty-five minutes and two error messages later:

"Maybe we should try to run function X?" - "Erm???? Yes, give it a go!" - .... "Ah no, this is only for model A!" the Expert says with an eureka smile in its face. "Thank god! Finally!!!" I think.

Not so fast, smart-arse, not so fast... An hour or so later, it clicks again on function X to see what happens.

Slippery, slimy find: LEGGY, WRIGGLY fossil shows SNAKES weren't legless. Or ARMLESS

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Is this news?

About 25 years ago I already heard that snakes used to have legs. Not sure if that was only speculation or what. Is there a palaeontologist on El Reg who could clarify?

Lottery IT security boss guilty of hacking lotto computer to win $14.3m

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...enhance our layers of security to protect the integrity of lottery games...

I'm sure they did. Issuing a directive that root kits must not be installed. And installing an additional CCTV camera.

Reg top tip: Don't have the same name as someone else if you use Facebook's Instagram

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Happy

Re: One wonders ...

One of my pet peeves is...

Indeed, indeed... still getting the shivers down my spine when remembering what followed after I hastily wrote "Jack" once.

Dwarfworld PLUTO may not have a real DOG on it - but it does have a TAIL

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Thumb Up

Re: If only it had hit the Earth

@AC

Daft comment. I like it!

Did MARS once have OCEANS? Curiosity discovers continental crust

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Re: continental crust?

Yep, but not as nasty as homo sapiens. Then again, that will pass...

IBM to offer breast milk elivery-as-a-service for staff

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Childcatcher

Re: On-site childcare would be preferable

Don't be so cruel!

Download Festival face scan: You’re right to be annoyed, said UK surveillance commish

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Re: Really Stupid People Do Really Stupid Things

That's not the question - they promised to send it back! And if you can't trust the plods, whom in the world could you trust?!

Seriously, there's a reason why they got an empty film ;-) And after 10 years, with a brief exception having lived all outside the UK, might be getting a bit difficult to link the address they have to me today.

Evil Auditor Silver badge

Re: Really Stupid People Do Really Stupid Things

@Allan George Dyer

1./2. Don't know for sure but some less careful fellows were and subsequently were questioned by incompetent* plods. No charges ever.

*incompetent regarding IT matters

3. I didn't change my identity since then. You probably might have guessed that evil auditor isn't my real name ;)

Unrelated, a file that probably still exists is with the Scottish police which questioned me over some allegedly sensitive photos I've taken. They still keep a film roll of mine, which they were supposed to return around 10 years ago. I'm looking at you, Aberdeenshire police. Oh well, maybe it wasn't so interesting to look at 36 unexposed frames...

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Devil

Re: Really Stupid People Do Really Stupid Things

When I was at university, "being a student" was justifiable grounds for being the target of illegal police surveillance

"Being a student" surely must not be grounds for being targeted. Then again, when I was at university, some of our activities indeed would have been justifiable grounds for being monitored legally by police - and that wasn't for e.g. being a subversive student somewhere in China. The plods didn't, but that was a different time. Also no reason for anon as it's been certainly a long enough time since.

Hacking Team: We're the good guys, but SO misunderstood. Like Batman

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FAIL

an unnamed government or organisation with "considerable funds"

A 15yo script kiddie? Just guessing.

When you are, like Hacking Team, operating on this filthy side of business, you want to make damn sure that even an organisation with considerable funds will not get to your data. Not saying it's easy, but it is possible. And those idiots from Hacking Team were literally screaming: "pwn us!"

Pan Am Games: Link to our website without permission and we'll sue

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Re: Okay... let me be the first to do this here...

You forgot #TO2015

Sorry, say boffins, the LHC still hasn't sucked us into a black hole

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Happy

Re: Never mind more than a curiosity...

When you neglect the vast energy you have to put in to create the small black hole in the first place, and all the energy to keep it stable, it might actually work.

Evil Auditor Silver badge

Re: How would we know?

@AC regarding risk analysis.

Likelihood times impact works for risks with a relatively high frequencies and relatively low impact. There are, however, some risks with a potential impact that high, say causing a few billion deaths, that taking them is simply not acceptable regardless of likelihood (other then zero).

Evil Auditor Silver badge

Re: How would we know?

"nobody noticed since we're all inside it"

Nobody noticed?! When I get out here at rush hour, it's so bloody dense that I've got no doubt of being inside a black hole.

Security world chuckles at Hacking Team’s 'virus torrent' squeals

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Re: Sir

Ergo countries with patchy human rights records.

Yes, I'm also looking at you, Great Ol' Britain. From the somewhat safe distance of the formerly British now Chinese special administrative region...

By the way, there are countries out there that still respect human rights. For now, at least, and if only for lack of resources.

Did a SUPER RARE Sony-Nintendo PlayStation prototype just pop up online? Possibly, maybe

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Re: Somebody's going to be rich...

Could you please be a bit more specific who the someone is, who is going to pay big bucks? I have quite some electronic junk too, which I'd like to get rid of....

SEX-starved worm can GIVE HEAD to ITSELF to reproduce

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literature review

That's about where a scientific study should start. Internet made that task an awful lot easier. Not everything is available online though, but some "scientists" simply ignore what's not been published on the webs.