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* Posts by Evil Auditor

1761 posts • joined 13 Jan 2009

Good news: AI could solve the pension crisis – by triggering a nuclear apocalypse by 2040

Evil Auditor
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Re: Nice try

Tetley's? So what, I'm more of a Twinings guy.

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Machines learned to assemble IKEA’s semi-disposable furniture

Evil Auditor
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Two robots

Did they also argue with each other about how to assemble the furniture?

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Size does matter, chaps: Oversized todgers an evolutionary handicap

Evil Auditor
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there is no way Audi and BMW drivers are highly evolved

That is what we - the ones neither driving Audis nor BMWs - would like to believe to bolster our sense of superiority. Be reminded though, that intelligence is not necessarily an evolutionary advantage. And neither is moronism necessarily a disadvantage for successful procreation. Very unfortunately.

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The first rule of maths class: Don't start a fight club

Evil Auditor
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Childcatcher

Kids these days....

9th Rule: don't fucking record fight club!

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German sauna drags punters to court over naked truth

Evil Auditor
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Re: What happens in Sinsheim ..

...and at best some Wieners?

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Corking story: Idiotic smart wine bottle idea falls over, passes out

Evil Auditor
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Why?!

Disclaimer: I had ideas like this. I smiled. I moved on. And I didn't make nor lose a fortune.

Here though, all that comes to my mind is a fool and his money...

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User asked why CTRL-ALT-DEL restarted PC instead of opening apps

Evil Auditor
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Re: Feeling Old...

The mighty, mighty Gravis Ultrasound! Lots of fiddling. But its wavetable sound was worth everything. And hours, no days!, of tinkering with tracker software and .mod files...

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MIT boffins build rubber robot, invade privacy of unsuspecting sealife

Evil Auditor
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I want RoboShark. I want laser on RoboShark.

(sorry) This SoFi's pretty cool though

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1 in 5 Michigan state staffers fail phishing test but that's OK apparently

Evil Auditor
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Re: A colleague (no it wasn't me!)

Beware internal messages. After all, during an audit we had found unprotected e-mail servers. And the next thing I know is that someone (no, it wasn't me, honestly... anyway it's a long time since and I can't remember any of this) sent e-mails apparently from the CEO to some people making them aware of their wide-open SMTP servers hanging out in the network.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Security Testing

yoganmahew, I fully agree.

first-born has been kidnapped by HR

I used to work in a place where this probably could have happened. This being in the mid naughties, among other things they also tried to dump sub-prime securities products on to employees after the clients started to be suspicious and refused buying that crap. So, the company was sitting on a steaming pile of dung and wanted to sell it to its staff. Abducting close ones, blackmailing into submission - wouldn't have suprised me.

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Developer mistakenly deleted data - so thoroughly nobody could pin it on him!

Evil Auditor
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The proper backup suction that I came across some decade ago. Setting up a backup procedure just about as manually as Ben did. For checking if the procedure worked as expected they didn't want to wait until the tape was fully written. Instead to the tape they directed the data stream to /dev/null - the backup ran flawlessly, answered with a success message and was ready to be deployed.

Problem was, no one changed the device to write to the tape. Until their auditor asked if they ever did backup restore tests.

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Surprise: Norks not actually behind Olympic Destroyer malware outbreak – Kaspersky

Evil Auditor
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Re: Which country was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Re Nerve Agent

Well, AC, call me too dumb. Then again, I don't have an MSc in chemistry either. So far, all I know -from the media- is that it was neither VX nor sarin. That leaves a few substances left which I remember from CW training, both persistent and non-persistent ones. But I've got no bloody clue if any of those had links to something north-easterly. From the little I've heard I'd guess something from the V series. But please, dear AC, enlighten us, the dumb.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: I don't think computers work the way you think they do.

Unless you only accuse those you are bias against?

I thought that's the first and general rule of this game, isn't it?

Anyway, for all I know it could have been Elbonians made it look like Russians made it look like Norks made the malware.

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More money than sense? Saudi Arabia invests $400m in Magic Leap

Evil Auditor
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Devil

Re: Taking investments now!

trevorde, you lost the tender.

revolutionise everything is probably not exactly what Saudis like to hear. You'd rather promise huge profits or ruling Shias to get their money.

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Sysadmin left finger on power button for an hour to avert SAP outage

Evil Auditor
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Re: Typed 'Reboot' where ... ?

@I am the liquor

I fully agree with you.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Typed 'Reboot' where ... ?

He lost his job for a single mistake in two years, I am still a bit angry about that

Angry that he made this single mistake or angry that he lost his job?

Depending on the type of business 45 minutes downtime may or may not be reason for dismissal. Apparently, more than 5 hours of downtime for approx. 90% of the staff of about 20k (a bank) was no reason for dismissal. Than again, it wasn't due to an operating error but a management decision to implement a half-baked release.

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US Navy gives Lockheed Martin $150m big frickin' laser cannon contract

Evil Auditor
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Devil

No information was given about sharks accompanying the Lockheed Martin weapons

Should have written this at the very beginning of the article. I'm only interested if it involves frickin' sharks.

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Another day, another meeting, another £191bn down the pan

Evil Auditor
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Re: The simple rule of corporate meetings...

@Not Spartacus

Am I allowed to sleep instead?

I had tried this many times during the monthly, dreadful "team meetings". For two years I'd been waiting for a complain about my regular snoozing activity. I had elaborated an eloquent answer about meeting efficiency, target audience, information relevancy. But no, nothing. Not one comment. Finally I gave up and started to draw and design houses. And soon left the company.

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Evil Auditor
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MAT* no. 1

Meeting. My fetish. They turn me on, they arouse me sexually. Viciously. Just by the mere thought of "meeting" I can hardly contain myself. Which gets only worse in an actual meeting. Compusively I have to hump whatever comes my way: desk, chair, floor, PP handouts etc.

Make sure the word spreads.

*Meeting Avoidance Tactic

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Us? Reverse engineer HoloLens? No way, not us, nuh-uh – Magic Leap

Evil Auditor
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generally regarded by his supervisors and co-workers as unsatisfactory

I have no doubt this is actually true. And probably just goes to show that he, Mr Keil, is actually a highly competent professional. It's just another symptom of Peter's principle and arsehole's ruling.

I've been on the receiving end of this myself. And left for good. Not to boast about having been a highly competent person in that situation but rather in the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king.

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Cryptocurrencies kill people and may kill again, says Bill Gates

Evil Auditor
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Killer rabbits of Caerbannog do. Anyhow, I thought that shooter games kill people.

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Inviting nearby exoplanet revealed as radiation-baked hell

Evil Auditor
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I wonder what the former hypothetical habitants might have thought. "Ok, that flare was bad and fried our advanced tech. But the probability of this happening again in our lifetime and for generations to come is very low - it's maximum one in a million."

At least, I guess, they won't have died in a "beast from the east" cold wave.

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Intellisense was off and developer learned you can't code in Canadian

Evil Auditor
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Re: Browser differences

[coding discipline] AND [web interface] = 0

But probably that's just my limited and aged perception as I left the trade a little while ago.

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Hubble Space Telescope one of 16 suffering data-scrambling sensor error

Evil Auditor
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Joke

Generation Y

"Butt, butt, does it affect my selfies?!"

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Who wanted a future in which AI can copy your voice and say things you never uttered? Who?!

Evil Auditor
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Coffee/keyboard

Re: explain to me again how I broke my wrist in 1968...

An exceptionally aggressive wank was good.

But you, you owe me a clean and dry keyboard!

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Bedtime stories...

Funny that you mention Stephen Fry who, I guess, has a rather low probability of being/becoming a dad.

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Evil Auditor
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We are going to have to introduce better technologies to prove someone is who they say they are

Better technologies, like, you know, meet in person?

Another use of this voice cloing is that we start to develop better authentication and verification methods. Not only for interaction directly with a system but also for communication between meat sacks over systems. I sense the sweet smell of encryption all around*!

* also known as the control freak govemint's nightmare

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Australia joins the 'decrypt it or we'll legislate' club

Evil Auditor
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Re: @ bazza

@bazza

Well you trust the phone network when you call up your bank don't you?

Partially, I do. I know my account manager reasonably well and - for now, still - I identify her by voice and vice versa. Even so I don't initiate external transactions on the phone. For these I rely on end-to-end encryption, two-factor authentication and transaction verification.

If you come up with a feasible network architecture that is inherently secure: I'm game! I doubt that it will do without encryption though. Encryption is much older than our data networks; the objectives remain the same, i.e. privacy and non-repudiation.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: @ bazza

If we had a network that didn't require encrypted communications for reasonable security, then

And if I had some million quid on my bank account I wouldn't be at work/reading El Reg. Anyhow, we both are talking about wishful thinking.

What about a secure communications infrastructure, one where my hypothetical millions in the bank account are not put at risk? Yes, we are talking about encryption again. No matter what kind of "secure" network architecture you use, I wouldn't trust the nodes in between me and my bank.

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Evil Auditor
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Dutton forgot something

because “criminals are mounting sophisticated and discreet attacks, employing ransomware, credential harvesting and social engineering”...

...and tinkering legislation, he should have added to the list.

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Developer recovered deleted data with his face – his Poker face

Evil Auditor
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Poker face fail

Yonks ago, in a different life, I and a colleague got the task of installing some newfangled twisted-pair to replace the coaxial cabling. The offices had nicely accessible, large cable ducts running along the outer walls. And all the outlets, for power, network, telephone, were on the bottom of the duct, with the connectors being plugged in from below - and against gravity. The only obvious problem with those duts were their lids, outright bitches that heavily resisted both, being taken off and put back on. To put them back an aweful lot of fist-hammering was used. Acquired my "iron fist" there in Mr Miyagi-style.

So, one day while happily hammering along, suddenly the face of an accountant went pale, then white. Just when I was starting to worry that he might be dying he turned redish - steaming hot red! Accompanied by a screamed "I lost all of my day's work!" - it was mid afternoon.

That was about when we realised what happened: the hammering slowly but surely drove the power plug of his computer out of the mains socket. An orange socket, the ones connected to the UPS. One of us, I can't remember if it was my colleague or me, calmly said to the destroyed, steaming accountant: "you should regularly save your work - you never know when there's a crash." We left the office, closed the door and in the staircase we got the mother of all laughing fits.

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Evil Auditor
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... compare the tax tables to previous versions to see how they deteriorated over the week until finally the indexes were saturated

Straight out of BOFH's excuse calendar.

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If this laptop is so portable, where's the keyboard, huh? HUH?

Evil Auditor
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"It barely fits in my bag and is completely unwieldy."

This is the perfect description of my laptop computer at work. Some bright spark decided that we absolutely need a separate numeric pad on the keyboard. All of us.

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That terrifying 'unfixable' Microsoft Skype security flaw: THE TRUTH

Evil Auditor
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Re: MS killed skype

Well, to my taste, skype always had a crap user interface. And since it requires IE to work (WTF?) eventually it totally killed itself for me. That is after it died on my dated mobile for lack up upgradeability.

R.I.P.R.I.H. skype

(Rot In Hell)

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Mars is red, Earth is blue. Here's a space laser story for you

Evil Auditor
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Littering

It will also surrender some of the slab so it can travel with Mars 2020...

Yeah, send all the litter back to where it belongs!

How long before Mars says the same?

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Talk down to Siri like it's a mere servant – your safety demands it

Evil Auditor
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Re: automatic facial recognition goes live in the UK

Facial recognition is nothing new, indeed. The first time I came across this was more than ten years ago.

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Evil Auditor
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... the big players will take all the right steps to ensure what's said in the home stays in the home...

Yeah, sure... Stays in whose home?!

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Secret weekend office bonk came within inch of killing sysadmin

Evil Auditor
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Happy

Nah. You're just undercaffeinated.

Same cause. Same effect.

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Evil Auditor
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Thanks! That makes sense. I probably suffer from EMIS - early morning illiteracy syndrome.

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Evil Auditor
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WTF?

Maybe it's a too early a morning for my brain to fully process this On-Call. Why "near-death experience" - because of water and electricity? (No RCDs in the data centre?) And how's the bonking relevant and why does Matt know about it?

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Elon Musk's Tesla burns $675.3m in largest ever quarterly loss

Evil Auditor
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@unwarranted whateverism, I have no feckin idea what you're smoking, sniffing or droppin. But I need this stuff. Now!

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Assange fails to make skipped bail arrest warrant vanish

Evil Auditor
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Public interest

...the British state taking action against him for skipping bail is not in the public interest...

Public interest would be - please, forgive me for making assumptions about the public based on my own interests - to lock Assange in a dark gaol and throw away the keys. Not because I condone such punishment or because I believe it would be justified for what he did. But simply because I do not want to hear or read about this bloated prick ever again.

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A Hughes failure: Flat Earther rocketeer can't get it up yet again

Evil Auditor
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Brilliant!

Giving your rocketeering attempts a flat-earther spin for squeezing money out of stupid to fund your hobby. Fucking brilliant.

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On yer bike! Boffins teach AI drone to fly itself using cams on bicycles, self-driving car

Evil Auditor
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Devil

Operating on single plane

EerieEasy solution: forget about pictures to teach the AI and instead use a self-teaching system such as AlphaZero. Might need a more complex neural network though. But I'd expect totally innovative ways to navigate the city. And maybe the AI gets the hang of hoovering at groin level - just for fun.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Rotating blades at groin height

Why, all of a sudden, I somehow do not feel thrilled by this idea...

'cause this not your kind of kinky fetish.

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When you play this song backwards, you can hear Satan. Play it forwards, and it hijacks Siri, Alexa

Evil Auditor
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Re random biology

Maybe the females lost interest in the boring males and tried to hump the aircon instead?

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User stepped on mouse, complained pedal wasn’t making PC go faster

Evil Auditor
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Facepalm

Re: Reminds me of a story

I've heard of such incidents as well - "move your mouse to the top right corner..." And there he was, holding the mouse to the top right corner of the screen. I wouldn't blame the user. I'd rather say it's the user interface that is under-developed.

But there are other things... Two people, one of which is the misses of an ex-colleague, attended a computer class to learn stuff about an office suite of the Microsoft flavour. Both of them were perfectly able to use e-mail. One day they wanted to exchange some homework, something done in Excel. Solution: 1) do the work in a spreadsheet; 2) print the spreadsheet on paper; 3) fax* the paper to classmate; 4) type the stuff in spreadsheet... 5) Face meets palm quicker than you can say d'oh.

*Fax, for millenials, is instant messaging on paper.

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PACK YOUR BAGS! Two Trappist-1 planets have watery oceans, most likely to be inhabitable

Evil Auditor
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Re: They might be the right temp

Someone needs to go there and have a look.

And nuke the entire site from orbit...

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Aut-doh!-pilot: Driver jams 65mph Tesla Model S under fire truck, walks away from crash

Evil Auditor
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65mph crash?

No way, not in these pictures. Maybe 20, 25mph.

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'The capacitors exploded, showering the lab in flaming confetti'

Evil Auditor
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Re: Improbable @Omgwtfbbqtime

In my garage too, I have a 32A supply (@400V), which I could even upgrade to about 70A if needed. But it's rare to find those in office spaces, powering some PCs.

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