* Posts by Stevie

7282 publicly visible posts • joined 12 Jun 2008

Which scientist should be on the new £50 note? El Reg weighs in – and you should vote, too

Stevie

Re: One problem with this

He also had a collection of expensive toys including Britain's model field guns with spring-loaded shell casings.

I had an extensive collection of those. From memory: The 155mm howitzer (with the aforementioned breech mechanism/shell casing) the 25 pounder, the Battalion Anti-Tank gun, the 105mm Howitzer, the 18th century cannon, the Ballista and the Catapult. Oh, and a Swappets 52mm mortar team with a working mortar.

Britain's stuff used to be great. Their Elephants (from he Zoo range) are eagerly sought out for wargamers to this day. I have the Livery Stable from the western buildings range they did and a bunch of American civil war stuff. Always wanted the Civil War cannon/limber and team.

The artillery pieces were all in a box that my father, gorblessim, lifted and the bottom fell out. The 155mm cannon had about a dozen separate bits. only about 8 survived to be passed back to me. Ditto the 105mm howitzer.

You don't see anything like those toys these days. I mean, the guns could be taken out of the swappets cowboys' holsters, and when you took the hats off there was no peg/hole - magnificent construction.

Stevie

No James Clarke Maxwell?

Gak Eisenberg for the win.

Stevie

Bah!

If we pick the penicillin bloke we can sing the name of Fleming with pride.

Fleeeeeeming!

Google logins make JavaScript mandatory, Huawei China spy shock, Mac malware, Iran gets new Stuxnet, and more

Stevie

Re: People called Romanes they go the house?

And what have they ever done for US?

DBA drifts into legend after inventive server convo leaves colleagues fearing for their lives

Stevie

Bah!

Can we have a regex (or maybe an el-regex ahahahahaha) set up to automagically reject any post talking about flipped monitors?

In a world where the in-jokes are defined as not funny in the general sense to start with, the flipped monitor story is old, boring and done to death.

Either that or have the post replaced to a link to the better examples from the archives. One or two elaborately dressed monitor flips were technically interesting.

But not funny.

Oh and the same for cup-holder CD-ROM trays too.

30 spies dead after Iran cracked CIA comms network with, er, Google search – new claim

Stevie

Bah!

I wonder if OPOTUS will be as vocally critical of this as he was over Hillary’s emails, another case of convenience over security concern. We will pass over the issue of phones.

At least this is one thing from that era that cannot be blamed on the Snowden leaks.

Stevie

Re: Of Course...

Well said, I think, but for the love of Mrs Hill, fourth year English teacher at St John Backsides comprehensive, PARAGRAPHS, man!

Smartphone industry is in 'recession'! Could it be possible we have *gasp* reached 'peak tech'?

Stevie

Peak Tech?

Howard might be thinking of Peck Teak a Formica-like "space-age" plastic laminate from the late 1960s that was going to be used by boatbuilders in sailboat decking to alleviate the worldwide shortage of teak hardwood, until it was discovered:

a) That when wet, Peck Teak is almost frictionless

2) That the only glue capable of bonding Peck Teak to the hull of a boat was derived from White Rhino horn and had a persistent smell when exposed to water described those who encountered it as "like a pub toilet after teenagers have been drinking Snakebite all night"

*) That when all was said and done, even under the best conditions cladding a boat in Peck Teak gave it all the ambiance of a backstreet Soho knocking shop.

Stevie

Bah!

My mind boggles at the mentality of spending a thousand local currency units on a piece of technology in which one may change the battery only by substantially destroying the device withe the aid of chemicals and devices outlawed by international treaty.

When I consider that it is not unknown for the pusher manufacturer to update the microcode of older units to artificially nerf battery performance, my wallet creaks with self-tightening.

Clunk, bang, rattle: Is that a ghost inside your machine?

Stevie

Re: Many values for true

No it is NOT logical. If the compiler "knows" it is dealing with a logical data item, and it does according to everyone involved in the discussion, why in Lovelace's name would the compiler deal with it in a non-Boolean two-state manner?

I get that the data location can hold more than one value. I've been doing computers long enough to have seen real core memory and know how binary numbers work.

But what I DON'T get is why, having decided to allow a programmer to define such a piece of storage for Boolean use, it would then structure a test for true against an unknown exact arithmetic value rather than the one it knows will work against a definable template: "non-zero". The assembly language involved would lean one toward that solution in any event.

And yes I know that in certain one's compliment architectures you can have two non-identical values for zero. Testing against two possible values versus testing against 2 to the power of $BITCOUNT values? Should have been a no-brainer.

Stevie

Bah!

No IT component, just some makering.

My wife, daughter and I used to decorate our house for Halloween with a "wrought iron arch" and fences (actually panels from an old "tent" gazebo corner bits strapped to the fence with black cable ties and festooned with purple lights). We had a small graveyard in the little garden you had to walk past to get to the front door, with bones and skulls and bats and so forth, and I seeded the lawn with some nifty flats I made from plywood that made ghostly shadows of, er, ghosts and black cats. Passing cars would throw shadows from the matte black painted flats that were very effective.

All designed to be "six year old scary". We left "terror" to the neighbour five doors down, who had a "working" electric chair out front. One Christmas he was executing Santa in it. I digress.

Each year we would go to the post-halloween sales and add to the kit at rock-bottom prices. I picked up six sets of "ghostly marching footprint" lights for a song one year, enough to make for a ghost padding alongside the pathway as trick or treaters dared the front porch.

Every year it was the same. Before sunset mothers would turn up with their youngsters and ask if they could photograph their kids in some part of the display. After dark is was Dads with kids in tow, and they would hang back at the gate while the kids came in for candy.

One year, towards the end of the era when the nabe had young kids, I splurged and bought a smoke machine. Of course, the problem is that the "smoke" is actually hot glycol-based vapour and it goes *up* in the cold November air. So I made a fog chiller. I started with an old 40 gallon beer cooler, and cut three inch holes in each end near the bottom. I glued in some PVC schedule 40 pipe with gorilla glue and connected the two ends inside the cooler with a pipe made from chicken wire.

I built a "U" bend from pipe so that the fog machine could sit on the cooler and shoot the fog into the bend, through the cooler and out through a two-foot extension pipe I fed into the graveyard foliage. Eight three pound bags of ice went into the cooler, forming an "ice-pipe". Still with me?

When it got dark I turned on the fog machine and slow-moving clouds of ground-hugging fog enveloped the graveyard. Passing cars would dissipate the fog quickly and any wind at all was disastrous of course.

But that night the Halloween Gods were on my side and the wind dropped and the traffic was non-existent for once. The fog built to Hammer House of Horror levels across the entire property. The black cat flats were poking out just enough to show heads and tails, and kids would be walking shin-deep in the lovely stuff.

That night I opened the door for the kids and was greeted by the sight of a garden full of wandering dads trying to figure out how the hell I had managed to fill the garden with horror-movie fog.

An hour or so later the traffic picked up and it was all dispersed.

Stevie

Re: Library of Doom

Well everyone knows you have to chain the books down tightly or universe-ending mischief of the most virulent stripe is possible.

Stevie

Bah!

The OS1100 operating system used to have a vary rarely seen feature in which the console would clear, a giant eye would appear, wink, and then the console text stream would be replaced.

There was just enough time for a shocked operator to recover his/her wits turn away to a colleague and say “have a look at this” for the evidence to vanish.

The big 132 character impact line printers were very Stephen Kingy too, if placed behind the operator’s seat. When they ran out of paper the lid would slowly open like the maw of a vengeful machine on The Rise. The operator would feel the change of air pressure behind his/her seat or maybe catch the light being reflected off the console as the printer window angled up and turn to see the printer apparently in full Zombie mode, about to take a bite.

And an ICL engineer once told me of an old 1900 that was surplussed and the engineers fitted with an exec that played the Dead March on it’s teletype whistle and various noisy peripherals (percussion courtesy of the old barrel printer hammering all Xs in proper time and so forth). Then an emergency customer need was fulfilled by delivering said 1900 to the customer, who was not impressed when it was fired up.

Stevie

Re: Many values for true

But wouldn’t the compiler build the test as not-false in that architecture? If not, why in Cray’s name? If the defined type is Boolean, the “many values for true” thing is asinine.

Stevie

Re: Given the toxicity of the toner powder, Mike called an ambulance forthwith.

The urge to have the boob in blackface insert cones of A4 into each nostril and his mouth while waiting for the medics “so he could breathe comfortably and safely” would have been overpowering for me.

Nikola Tesla's greatest challenge: He could measure electricity but not stupidity

Stevie

our banknotes have poetry on them

Not poems and rubbish ... SCIENCE!

Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll capture a fighting machine, learn how it works, then;

WHOOSH! WITH OUR FIGHTING MACHINES! WHOOSH! WITH OUR HEAT RAY! WHOOSH! AND THEM RUNING AND DYIIIIIIIING!

Woman who hooked up with over 15 spectres has found her forever phantom after whirlwind romance and plane sex

Stevie

Re: PRBoOLT

No "fling" context though. I'm sticking with Flanderella's dad.

Stevie

Bah!

“A phantom fling”? That is familiar ... let me think ... yes! Inhave the identity of this ghost lover!

It can only be The Phantom Flan Flinger.

Shift-work: Keyboards heaped in a field push North Yorks council's fly-tipping buttons

Stevie

Bah!

Give ‘em a swipe with the alternative light source and see if anyone wrote “Property of Widdling Town Council” on anybof them in Dr Who Invisible Secret ink.

Boffins have fabricated microscopic sci-fi tractor beams for real

Stevie

Bah!

So, not a tractor beam at all, but a Confinement Stream.

When will The Register hacks get a proper grip on film metaphor jargon? It’s embarrasing.

It's raining drones, but just one specimen: DJI's Matrice 200 quadcopter

Stevie

Re: Bah!

OK, we’re playing “Yes But” are we?

Hmm. My turn: Sully!

Stevie

Bah!

Fixed wing for the power-loss, no-crater win.

Pirate radio = drug dealing and municipal broadband is anti-competitive censorship

Stevie

Bah!

I think one problem you have is that when O'Reilly says "Pirate Radio" you envision something like Radio Caroline or Radio North Sea, and he is speaking about people broadcasting from their apartment buildings.

That sort of unlicensed radio station is actually quite common here in certain parts of the USA.

Official: IBM to gobble Red Hat for $34bn – yes, the enterprise Linux biz

Stevie

Bah!

IBM spent 34 000 000 000 dollars for Red Hat Linux?

I downloaded it for free.

Techie was bigged up by boss… only to cause mass Microsoft Exchange outage

Stevie

Re: Exchange seems to feature a lot

Gah! I still have nightmares about the "choose your own toolbar buttons from eighty seven toolbars" feature. One false click and there went the feature you used every day but couldn't for the life of you remember where it started life so you could get it back again.

Stevie
Pint

Re: JSON Bourne.

Well done, Symon, well done. E-beer for you.

'The inmates have taken over the asylum': DNS godfather blasts DNS over HTTPS adoption

Stevie

Re: Bah!

Not the point of the story, Orv. The company didn't suffer much. The people of New York did. S'a metaphor.

But if you want a wheelchair stupids story, look no further than the Long Island Rail Road, which invested heavily in wheelchair accessible EMUs. Every door opens wide to accommodate a wheelchair, and in order to get this design the cars only seat 80% of the capacity of the M3 cars they replaced.

But.

Only one car in each paired unit has a (wheelchair-accessible) bathroom.

The walkway between the seats is NOT wheelchair accessible.

The walkway between cars is NOT wheelchair accessible.

Only one end of each car has folding seats to make accommodation for a wheelchair.

So, design fail overall on wheelchair accessibility vs seating capacity grounds. There are other problems with the wretched trains too that have nothing to do with wheelchairs.

Nice generalizing stoutist fat-shaming job on Americans, though. Guarantees you upvotes.

Stevie

Bah!

There's nothing new here:

People admit there's a problem.

People talk up a storm on the internet over the problem for years.

Some bugger affected by the problem goes and designs a fix for the problem.

People come out of the woodwork saying that the suggested fix is wrong, all wrong. They don't have a working alternative despite years of yap and yak.

This is a model of how the internet-enabled IT community works (and by a curious coincidence how the Republican replacement for the Affordable Health Care Act does too).

Fun story, completely unrelated to issue at hand:

In Manhattan, a city with no public bogs, a German (I believe) company ran a trial of modular public self-cleaning toilets. They were an unparalleled success, everyone from the politicians in City Hall (Rudy Giuliani's administration if memory serves) to poor buggers needing to pee in a hurry agreeing that these were a perfect answer to a very urgent problem that was not only causing a public health hazard but was adding to the reasons for not visiting the Big Apple.

But.

The company didn't make a wheelchair accessible version of the toilet.

NYC regulations state that if you want to install any public facility funded by taxes, it must be equally available to wheelchair users.

So the highly successful devices that were a milestone in technology-for-the-masses according to everyone who had any interaction with them could NOT be purchased or installed, and Manhattan still smells of piss.

As I said, this "nose off to spite the face" story has no relation whatsoever with the issue of encrypted DNS traffic. None at all.

Sorry friends, I'm afraid I just can't quite afford the Bitcoin to stop that vid from leaking everywhere

Stevie

Bah!

At least your Vindows aren't virusing the internet, Alistair. Mine apparently are, as the nice Indian man explained to me in a phone call last week. If only I'd had the foresight to give him my bank account number and my computer passvord so he could fix them instead of hanging up on him.

8o(

Stevie

Re: That is not cool dude.

You seem to be making fun of a Chinaman.

Well, if a Chinese man* is being a prick (ahahahahaha) why not make fun of him in any way one can?

*I believe "chinaman" is regarded as racist these days.

Stevie

Re: Racist?

Don't worry, Alistair.

Your editor doesn't have a Chinaman's chance of making that "racist" charge stick.

The best way to screw the competition? Do what they can't, in a fraction of the time

Stevie

Bah!

I remember an occasion when I was working for a company on the bleeding edge of networked mainframe database tech, and I was at a client with a member of staff who, after a mere three months was jumping ship to the client and making noises about talking them out of our product.

Aside: I was out the door myself in a few weeks, but he didn't know that, and I have some old-fashioned ideas about loyalty. He was a new hire directly out of the Navy and had spent his entire time programming targeting software for torpedo ordinance. A genius, maybe, but not versed in commercial IT and DP issues and no experience on our hardware whatsoever.

So when he glumly said he had quit becuase he couldn't look the customer in the eye with our dismal product speed I spoke up and told him that he really hadn't tried to explore options before he went "shit product" on us.

I pointed out that the current model was losing time on loads because of B-Tree page-ripping. This couldn't be turned off on our DB engine of choice (as I believe it could on DB2) but since the customer's data was VERY predictable we could have pre-loaded a bunch of dummy rows in slack time and then each "load" would really have been an update - much, much faster.

I pointed out that we could convert the spinning rust file types to different transactional models to alter the physics of the way they got accessed and written to. Our current model was a best guess based on no actual statistical data. It might be the best way, it might also be the worst.

And I pointed out that if all else failed to impress, we could take the files holding the tables and lodge them in core, making for sparrows-fart time access speeds. It would be a last resort as it entailed some hairy recovery concerns but it could not fail to impress anyone obsessing on load times.

His face was a thing of beauty as I raised each point. At the end he looked at me and bleated that he had no idea we could do so much.

Well, I said. You never asked for options. You listened to the customer and stopped there. It never occurred to you that your first loyalty was to the people paying your wages, and you never gave them the benefit of the doubt. I could have had you looking like a fucking hero in a matter of days. As it is, whoever replaces me will get that because I've left my notes for them.

I always wondered if he ever tried to float those ideas as his own after he swapped jobs.

DXC share price tumbles on El Reg bombshell of Americas boss ejection

Stevie

Re: Fluffy white stuff

Well you *do* have to look at them from both sides, now.

Erm... what did you say again, dear reader?

Stevie

Re: To erm is human ...

'Tis a consummation devoutly to be washed.

Stevie

Re: That's knöbs, you heathen.

Maybe in the soft southern jessie pronunciation.

Oop North we use the one wi' the line on top! Mind you, we don't get to say it much, on account o' not 'avin' knobs when we were kids. Any we saw were left over from t'un invasions an' were corroded all ter 'eck.

Stevie

cuneiform

Nonono you are doing it wrong. The letters are all overpunch codes.

Look it's very simple: Press ctrl-shift-capslock-w-p-h-&-PageUp and ... wait, no, that just unlocks a full load-out in Spy Hunter.

I'll have to find my notes.

Stevie

Re: patent nonsense

Wittgenstein weighed in on the number of Perpetual Motion Machine designs granted a number by the USPO?

Stevie

Re: Scouse

I don't find your argument compelling, I ain't Spartacus.

My own experience is that the scouse pronunciation is closer to dare-em-air (rendered phonetically since I can't be arsed to learn the IPA symbols for scouse nor import the font into my computer).

I think of my university pal Will when I hear a Liverpudlian voice these days. Last time I saw him was when St Etienne lost vs Liverpool in '77. Noisy night in the pool that day, and in the van driving back to UEA.

Will, hope yer well.

Stevie

Re: Old English? Fair enough, I can do that:

And the sāme tō yōu with knōbs ōn, you filthy swine!

Stevie

Re: Forsooth!

Thou art nought but a most coutellous bullyrook. Beware lest someone clapperclaws thy mazzard.

Silent running: Computer sounds are so '90s

Stevie

Re: it starts with just one and slowly adds more.

*nods*.

My mate Mike was the first person I know to download and use the "Flint" ringtone (from the hot-line in the 60s movie Our Man Flint). It was amusing and clever and about two months later it was happening everywhere. Which sucked.

Stevie

Re: Bah!

Well, Nine of Charles, I can tell you what would have happened in the unlikely event that someone tried to assert a non-existent right - I would have gone to the management and demanded his removal from the theater. Chances are they would have refunded me and offered me tickets for another showing.

But we both know that whole course of events wasn't going to happen outside the confines of your rather troubled brain.

This isn't the first time in these pages that you've concocted elaborate, violent, imaginary threats evolving out of someone else's anecdote. Ignoring the rather obvious passive-aggressive unannounced "I disbelieve you" subtext to these childish scenarios, the behaviour pattern seems to suggest a more deep-seated problem.

Maybe you should rejoin the Borg collective and gain some collective stability. Perhaps you should just take your meds.

"Face a murder charge over a ringtone". Azathoth on a galaxy-sized bike.

Stevie

Re: If windows 95 starts and nobody hears it?....

Yep. I used the howl and drumming startup noise and had custom-made icons I drew using a freebie gif editor from one of the MS packs.

Then someone gave me the Peter Gabriel CD-ROM and I replaced the startup noise with the startup drumming from Kiss That Frog.

The first time I encountered the themes was while working for a bleeding-edge company in 96, when I was issued with a Win95 Thinkpad (the one with the unfolding keyboard).

While working in New Hampshire on a three-day customer relations/training thingy I set up the 60s theme and reprogrammed all my VB stuff to strobe different primary colors as I moved the mouse. It was like working inside a Jimi Hendrix poster.

That lasted half an hour before I decided to train the users on "how to reprogram the UI color scheme", though the migraines induced went on longer I think.

Stevie

Re: The Sound of Silence

I used to have a colleague who lived to annoy me with his constant barrage of noise. His painfully squeaky swivel chair, his loud and annoying Fran Drescher nasal drone telling the same joke over the phone at volume 11 to everyone on his contact list, the noise was endless. I would stay late and get more done in the two hours after he'd left than in the seven he was there.

Then he started leaving his workstation beeping when he left work and locking the desktop. I thought about hacking the bios. I thought about cutting the MB speaker wires. Then I realized I was *over* thinking and just unplugged his computer, gave it a five-count and plugged it back in.

He did a lot of data entry and would leave a bunch of stuff on his screen to be done the next day. All gone now of course.

Took him three days to learn.

As for his squeaky swivel chair, I went and found the only unused new chair in the place and swapped his for that. He yelled and screamed and took his original back. So I bought a small can of WD40 and carefully oiled the wheels and the center column when he was gone, cleaning the oil off so it wouldn't foul his clothes.

The first day after I did this he sat down and 720-ed, leaping up and glaring at the super-silent chair, then me (straight-faced c/w halo). He tried to grind the bearing and it just moved silently. He pushed back in it and went sailing across the room into a row of disused servers - because the castors worked like wheels now instead of like round carpet-skis. He was completely dumbfounded. He was conviced it wasn't his chair, but then, it obviously was.

He would try and get it squeaking at every opportunity, grinding the seat back and forth, and it would start making noises about every two weeks, whereupon it got a nice new dose of WD40.

One day he came in, glared at me, sat down and gave the chair a particularly savage grinding with his arse. The center post snapped and he crashed to the floor like a felled oak. I admit I had to turn away and bite my hand to avoid being found out.

All this from a man who berated another colleague saying that the sound of a boiling (non-whistle) kettle ten feet away was "distracting him from his work". He said the colleague would have to stand by the kettle while it boiled to minimize the annoyance.

If you want to know what Yodel Shriekenhowl looked like, see if you can get a look at the 30 year anniversary DVD movie of Jean-Michel Jarre re-recording Oxygene. The bloke playing the keyboards on the extreme left as you watch is his identical twin brother, except he's quieter. I showed some people at work the movie and they couldn't tell it wasn't Foghorn Leghorn.

Stevie

Re: Sorry, I'm a sadist

The opening bars would be quiet hooting and free-form noises of a muted calliope-like texture. Can't see how that would be offensive. Rather relaxing in fact.

Stevie

Bah!

During the Golden Shower Age of Ringtones I selected "classic bell" for mine, and got a desk-phone like ringing. Worked for about six months, always could tell my phone from the other commuters', then others started switching to it.

Top of my most hated phone noises list:

Push-to-talk beep. Super fucking annoying. Double that when coupled with push-to-talk idiot yelling into phone.

The wolf-whistle "you've got texts" tone. Had to put up with that in the office for two months until Fuckwit McFucktard got tired of it.

Game event beeps. Idiots on the train drive me nuts with these. "Aren't I clever? I'm playing a game ... *on my phone*! Yeah! On my phone! I know! Great, eh?"

Keyboard clicks. Another on-the-train favorite of the IQ challenged.

Video clips. There's always some idiot on the train who's IQ is lower than the phone's, who wants to play crappy tinny music through their phone at maximum volume. I've been threatened by people when I've asked them to turn the sound down.

Stevie

Bah!

True story.

I am sitting with friends in a cinema watching The Lord of the Rings:The Fellowship of the Ring newly released into the wild. Six seats away a phone starts playing an 8-bit rendition of Mozart's 40th. The twat with the phone likes that piece so he lets it play for several bars, whereupon I stand up, look right at him and shout at the top of my voice "WILL YOU TURN THAT FUCKING PHONE OFF!".

Loud, enthusiastic applause from the audience.

Mr Twat answers his phone and say in a stage whisper "I have to go. Some idiot wants me to shut up".

F***=off, Google tells its staff: Any mention of nookie now banned from internal files, URLs

Stevie

Bah!

*Mental note to self: count how many posts until some commentard trots out the threadbare "Scunthorpe" thing*

11.

Number 12 couldn't resist.

Can't get pranked by your team if nobody in the world can log on

Stevie

Who needs this thing

Possibly it was intended for people like travel agents or car salesmen with monotors inside their desks a-la pub pool video game. They would find the stuff they wanted to sell and swivel the view so the customer could see it.

I've seen such desk rigs back in the 90s.