Swappable battery
Seriously - phone's don't need swappable batteries. The additional interconnects, shape and therefore space and design issues and dust/water ingress that removable batteries entail just doesn't make them economically or design-wise viable. I've had phones with swappable batteries, and gone through the battery swapping and charging rigmarole and external battery packs are easier to use, usually cheaper with better capacity, easier to store and charge and can be easily used with a new phone or even shared with others. A reasonable quality phone battery should easily last 3 years without too much noticeable loss given a decent charging circuit and it's generally accepted that most phones are changed at least this often and usually rather more often.
SD Card
I'd rather have much higher capacity without being price gouged on it. The number of times that I swapped SD cards was minimal and again this inflicts space and design issues on the entire phone design as well as dust/water ingress. I can pick up a 64GB class 10 card for £15 yet the bastard phone manufacturers often feel the need to charge hundreds for this extra capacity. They could even market it them as something like "64GB phone with 256GB media storage capacity", but no...
Decent camera that is fast rather than a giga-pixel pretend SLR
I'm still waiting on the "next gen" vertical stacked sensors to be put into production :( The more pixels there are doesn't always make for a better image but unfortunately that's what the public expects. The other side is down to the optics and the slight physics challenges of fitting in lens and focus arrangements in just a few mm. Fast response, optical stabilisation, great low light response and a colour range more similar to the human eye is all I'd want :)
Headphone socket
Totally with you on this one. Another device to charge and manage for little benefit but enormous cost really doesn't do it for me. Shame about the socket being a great way to let in dust/water but we can't easily remove all of these problems.
Bluetoof, Wifey, GPeas of course and NFC for Android pay
LED Flash cos I use the torch function a lot
Definitely - these seem to be standard features these days.
Nice to have
FM Radio
Why bother? Seriously. More and more places are dropping FM radio and switching to DAB. Or there's Internet streaming and this is another arial circuit that doesn't need to be in the phone (affecting the others as well). OK, so DAB's often hit and miss as is Internet streaming, but why isn't DAB built into modern phones? While it might seem like a fair idea, it's possibly worth considering the change of radio given the Internet and how it's use is steadily dropping. Except in cars of course.
Water Dust resistant
I'd rather have this than swappable batteries or SD cards. And I'd like this without annoying rubber flaps as well.
Infra-Red Blaster for remote controls
I'm not sure how useful this would be and I'd find it more of a gimmick. I suppose if a phone that had it then I might use it but the last time I looked most IR apps seemed to be some ill conceived attempt to replicate a bloody physical remote control on a touch screen they tend to dimish the experience somewhat. Dependency on IR and line of sight comms (but keep the sensor clear of sunlight) is something I'd rather be past now.
OTT
Pretty much my point about FM radio :)
Big HD screen pretending to be a telly
Just install Kodi. Or maybe we could do with a built in projector function? :)
Stereo speakers pretending to be a Hi-Fi
If you want a stereo sound experience from something only a few inches from end to end, wear headphones or use external speakers. You'll piss off less people as well. While doable on a larger tablet held relatively close anything else just doesn't enough of a stereo effect to matter.