Posts by Gilbert Wham

No Surprise

"smartphone users are twice as likely to answer their device while on the toilet as regular phone users" Well, that's because they're already playing Solitaire on it anyway.

Tools...

My Whitworth spanners are _intrinsically better_ than your metric spanners, even thought they are both used on different nuts. See? Stupid, innit, when moved to a different context? Oh, except for what that one feller said about the Amiga. He's absolutely right, and I'll fight anyone who says different...

The Saudis.

Fuck the Yanks. They're only pissed because they wouldn't buy their used F16s.

Something similar happened...

...to my sister. BT gave her a number that previously belonged to an 'escort' who advertised in the back of the Daily Sport, and for a while received 10-20 calls a day from horny punters. When I pointed out she had inherited a ready made business, she just shouted & threw things.

tguif?

"Just another good reason to get off early and have a pint."

As if you needed one...

sex tips...

@ Tout Beau: "My wife just lays there. Gods sake I end up playing with my phone half the night". Put your phone on vibrate, stick it up her bum, then call her on the landline. Oh, do remember to turn the voicemail off though, otherwise it's just a waste of time...

Pervert.

Sex with cows?Disgusting. Why can't he just shag sheep like a proper Yorkshireman?

And in other news...

Man sues Highways Agency for supplying roads, some of which lead to places he doesn't like...

improvised IUD? Or clingfilm condom...

IUD/IED: Gah! Beat me to it. re Teh! Terrible! Terrist! Firebomz!, the fact that they tried to ignite ANYTHING in this dreadful swamp of a country says quite a lot about their abilities, does it not? They'd have caused far more mayhem with the judicious placement of a binbag over a drain grating I reckon.

2 years, 600 bucks AND a phone bill?!

Sweet zombie jesus, I thought we got ripped off on mobiles here! How is this gonna go down in the UK? People are used to a free phone (well, you know, 'free'), no matter how whizz-bang it is. Are they going to pony up that kind of cash?

Er,

No, it's wrong, as posted above, to go hunting for information about co-workers, possible employees etc with an assumption of guilt on their part and then use possibly spurious 'evidence' to do something to adversely affect their lives. How would you feel if you were passed over for promotion, because of the political beliefs you hold being stated in a blog comment, say? Or losing your job due to your sexual orientation, discovered from your profile on a social networking site?

Entirely different from digital traces of wrongdoing uncovered in the course of a murder investigation, no?

Not that bad.

The worst neologisms are thought up by bad sci-fi writers (or, sometimes, good ones in a moment of weakness) to make everyday things sound futuristic. 'Smokehale' for cigarette can cause a killing rage for instance. Or, and this caused me to hurl the book across the room and then stamp on it, 'Mofo' for cellphone (Aldiss, no less). Anyone got any others? And I don't _want_ to know what 'folksonony' is, as I am sure it will upset me.

Er, just a moment!

Can you, if you are under the influence of a 'mind control chip', be a suicide bomber per se? 'Involuntary Bomber' would be more accurate surely?

Hear Hear, here...

...for Hot Topless Chicks. Too much of this technology flummery on here by half says I.

???*GERMANY*???

Dude, wait. What? The *same* Germany that produces the world's most alarming smut? Good lord. Are you sure?

Funnily enough...

...so do I. And ALL that I ever use the HM one for is signing up to websites I don't trust with my real one, and commenting on blogs. Using complicated email addresses helps I expect. Presumably spammers bruteforce email addresses to send spam to as well as collecting them? If not, I claim patent rights and will see you all in court...

Been here before

I've heard him talk about this on some TV show. Perversely, it's more a machine for receiving messages from the future; as until it is built, no-one can receive anything on it. Presumably the test for it working is a message as soon as you switch it on?

Why isn't this on a Tshirt yet?

"we refuse the right to sever you. For being mean." has meme written all over it, the whys and wherefores of customer service notwithstanding.

Bah

"It appears to have slipped Mr. Grey's attention that our Western Modern Science (WMS) is not the only authoritative knowledge system."

Whilst several people would appear to have beaten me to the punch, it has to be said; not if you want to calculate an orbit, or explain, say, lightning. A qualification in healing roots & tubers or applied tiger penis pharmacology is not going to be much use is it? Not even if it is dressed up as (god help us) a Bsc (hons) in TEK/IK.

Flame on!!1!!ONE!!!

Yes, well, you haven't been following the Safari news then...

Shan't bother then...

Well, I *was* gonna try it out, but if it's b0rked, I'll wait a while.

Angry Shareholders...

This is nothing new. This lot have been pulling these kind of stunts for years now, every summer. Another favourite, harking back to Telewest's days (I used to work for 'em), is to not process any disconnections round about July/August for a period of a few weeks, just leave them live & credit the accounts to keep the churn figures down. I saw this every year for four years. Come september, they'll be giving loads of stuff away free, then next year they'll be pretending all their customers haven't buggered off in disgust until after the reports have been published. Someone, somewhere has to produce a revenue stream to cover their arse.

Bizarre and ephemeral directives from on high are normal. 'If it's still in effect next tuesday, let's start doing it' was generally the best way to deal with them...

AFPA?

Surely they could have come up with some name that had COCK or BEARPIT as the acronym? They can do that for all the exciting acts...

Yes, but...

..,.it knows where all your porn is. Who watches the watchers, eh?

huh?

"If you're tired of waiting online" Dude, wait. What? Like, queuing up in some virtual way inside a website to pay for stuff? Surely not? Am I being obtuse? Plz someone to explain...

pain in the arse?

Bugger, you beat me to it:

http://www.boingboing.net/2007/06/04/london_2012_olympic_.html

Need any help?

I am more than happy to reinstall wired networks for Those Thinking Of The Children. Of course, I won't be using cheap generic CAT5, but rather specially treated CAT5 that has been left in a shaman's lodge for a full lunar cycle to discharge any dangerous vibrations it may have absorbed. Naturally (heh), this will be reflected in the price, but I always find it's better to err on the side of caution when thinking of the little ones don't you?

Lessons from the moon?

"I seem to remember that NASA had no quarantine procedures for returned moon rocks (much less their own people) to verify that there was no danger."

Yes they did. They were quarantined after landing. For two weeks I believe.

Where is PC Plod?

Pointless, expensive boondoggle. This is almost as fucking stupid as putting microchips in peoples bins to stop them throwing away too much rubbish. It addresses the problem after the fact. Employing more people (i.e. policemen) to go around saying 'Hey You! Stop that!' would be more effective.

Vanishing Pants

I'm still unsure as to why she didn't just get on a plane and wear normal underwear.

Free as in Speech, not as in Beer.

*Criminal* charges. Riiiiiight. Sorry, I read that headline ALL wrong...

The Right to Moan?

I worked for Telewest a few years ago. At the time, they had an alarming corporate nazi thing called 'Living The Brand', the upshot of which was that you could be disciplined if overheard by a superior speaking in public (ie moaning at the pub) about how shit your job was. A few employment tribunals later however, it all went quietly away. Whether saying the same things on the Bad Scary Internets would be looked upon in the same light by said tribunals is debatable however.

Perspicatious...

'Most likely up in a tree'. Oh Rly? This is why he's a bird expert then...

senescence? Oh yeah.

I can concur with their findings wholeheartedly. I turned 35 on tuesday and frequently have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I'm sure I did once, but cant remember when...

just because you're paraboid, it doesnt mean...,.etc

I don't know about the US, but I'll be willing to wager that any such system implemented in the UK will promptly cease to function the moment it is taken out of its sandbox and tested with real data.

SWITCHES!

Best. Subheader. Ever. Dunno about radar, but didn't one of the GPO's boffins come up with vital bits of the first computers at bletchley?

NB, plz to read 'first (computers at bletchley) not (first computers) at bletchley. If you see what i mean...

wasting ammo?

@ Horridbloke: Word. The whole COUNTRY is looking more like half-life every day.

IT Training...

well, if you want to teach someone how to use the internet, explain that there are pictures of naked people on it and leave them to their own devices for a while. They'll get the hang of it.

Police? Turn up?

A while back, whilst returning from work, some little fucker shot at me with an air rifle (he WAS busy shooting at trains, but decided I'd make a better target). I phoned the police, and got precisely zero interest. "We'll send a car round in a couple of hours". If you've ever read PC Copperfields blog, he once said the best way to get the police to your house is to call them up and say you've just shot a burglar.

and I quote

There's a lot to be said for posting your footage out. I can't remember who said it, but, 'ever underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of videotapes'.

ambiance, ambulance

'Ambient Media sounds to me like flyposting - obviously *not* flyposting, because that is illegal and naughty and wrong, but similar. It also sounds like the kind of terminology that should be discouraged by a judicious kick to the groin of the utterer.

Belt and Braces

If this was the military, the obvious solution (from their end anyway), would be a five thousand pound pair of braces to keep them up. God knows what the police will use. String, possibly?

nothing wrong with shouting...

"The fact that he's shouting doesn't stop him being right"

I tell people this all the time. Loudly. Makes 'em extremely cross.

Shifty Looking Bugger

@Nik Peltekakis:

"he doesnt look like someone who should be running the country."

As I have oft opined before, NO-ONE who looks like they want to be running the country should be allowed anywhere near the post. Pick someone at random, and genly explain to them that they will be dealt with severely if they cock it up.

pardon?

The Israeli army doesnt normally balk at killing children, as keeping a casual eye on the news from Gaza for any length of time will show. Not trying to argue one side or the other, just sayin'.

Where's my beer?

No one minded when spirits went metric, as you got more. Here, however, you are depriving people of beer (don't for one second think prices will reflect a smaller measure being served). It simply will not stand.

cynic?

I rather think Mike has hit the nail on the head...

Pot, Kettle, Black.

The very idea of BT coming over all high&mighty about ANYTHING makes me shudder. Execrable bunch of half-wits.

feh

"The procurement culture was haunted by the idea of public budgets being frittered away on fly-by-night vapourware merchants with their heads in the clouds"

As opposed to *large, established* vapourware merchants with their heads in the clouds?

Mmmmmm, Jihadi justice...

I rather like the idea of Sussex under Jihadi rule. Liven the place up a bit.