Posts by VulcanV5

Your chance to be the new Ashley.

Fat chance of a money-making website calling itself Noel Biderman ever raking it in from anyone who prizes her / his intelligence as much as her/his carnality. That this outfit had to deck itself out with so hilarious a fiction to begin with says all there is to say about the veracity of anything else it might claim (as well as the gullibility of those who actually threw money at it.)

But now poor Ashley is damaged goods. Time, methinks, for another circus tent to loud-hail the punters. Noelle Bidmebed might possibly be a nice little earner but it's difficult to see a tagline in there. "Chelsea Tractor: A Good Ride Guaranteed" has a lot more going for it (and especially with non-UK audiences who haven't a clue as to its provenance) but El Reg readers can surely come up with something even more enticing.

There may be money in it but the primary objective is to spread love and happiness amongst the 627,894 website members who will sign up in the first 10 minutes. 'Onest.

Illiterate marketing dip-sticks

The sent-from-Mum notion is nauseating, the repeated "your" almost as bad, the festival organizer's reaction to the uproar, even worse. Of all the soft jobs anyone can ever have -- aside from being a Lecturer in Media Studies, that is -- then being in "marketing" is it: I haven't encountered merely one moron in "marketing" in recent years but dozens, including one now hired on by a "university" to lecture in "Event Management". The illiterate self-regarding clown(s) responsible for Manchester festival marketing / event management crap should've been fined a further £70k for abuse of the English language and another £70k for intellectual assault. Actually, just stick another zero on that £70k and justice will have been done, or so my Mum (not you're Mum) tells me.

One of the finest car reviews never written.

It would be as well for us all if El Reg left motoring reviews to motoring reviewers: what on earth is this gibberish about? Citing wholly fictitious manufacturer-listed fuel consumption figures as though they're meaningful is absurd; clearly, the reviewer never drove this car and thus hasn't a clue what its real-world consumption actually is. Null points all round.

All is revealed . . .

Good luck to Zuck the Buck in monetising Facebook's latest ideas for a harvest of crap because though there are morons out there who'll say everything to everyone about themselves, they're classed as EPs (Empty Pockets) by ad agencies rather than intelligent gainfully employed individuals worthy of being chased.

Some time back, when Google decided it would like to park its tanks on Facebook's lawn, I was delighted to join Google square or plus or circles or something. It wanted everyone to know all about me (and especially, er, Google) so I duly wrote that my current employment is as a Twat in the proof-reading department at Twitter; that my former employment was as the sacked Facebook manager of the lost General Motors advertising account; that I was educated at Windsor Castle; that I went to school with Elvis Presley; and that I have been happily married to a tree for 27 years.

Friends who alighted upon these revelations realised how dull were their own lives by comparison and so more and more of them have taken to revising their pasts and their presents. Upshot is that advertising agencies are having a hard time of it, trying to figure out how to profile a 72 year old mother of new-born quadruplets who went to school with Hitler and nowadays from her home in The Faeroe Islands runs a successful training centre for Missile Silo cleaners.

I expect that over time, an ever-growing number of FB users will let Zuckerberg know that they, too, have equally plausible backgrounds, and equally credible love lives. It's not easy to withhold personal information in a world where bottom feeders like Zuckerberg and his ilk trawl ceaselessly for personal data. But there's no requirement ever to tell the truth.

Lester's amigo

A huge debt of gratitude is owed to Lester's amigo for facilitating the ground crew's accommodations. I have no soddin' idea at all where in Spain everyone is,but it looks very nice. Warm. Sunny. Is it possible to get a translation of Lester's amigo's website amidst all this hi tech stuff? I would like to come and sit back against a sun-warmed dry stone wall and stare up at balloons whilst sipping chilled Rioja. Or be advised of medication that can achieve the same effect.

Just sayin'

Regardless of whatever a Tesla has or doesn't have under its hood, it's beginning to seem that El Reg has a bee under its bonnet about Tesla. How about not mentioning Tesla again until such time as it equals in performance and convenience a motor car running on fossil fuels? That should give us a rest of a couple of hundred years at least.

Errata . . . just sayin'

Interesting article with just a few errors as pointed out by other Reginistas plus a few in the comments:

1) Moorgate wasn't 1973. It was 1975. I remember it because I was in Companies House (at its then location) on that day, intending to take the Northern Line tube back to Bank at lunchtime. Luckily, I was delayed by a few minutes and saw the doors of the train closing and the train going off without me, en route to Moorgate. The Bond movie 'Die Another Day' was, I thought, pretty much crap. But its title still has a certain resonance.

2) The Connery movies were filmed at Pinewood. Again, my luck re time and place was in during the mid-60s because I was a regular visitor to the studios and often met the legendary art director Ken Adam. Ken's vision was responsible for the 'epic' look of the sets and set-pieces. Cubby was more in evidence than Harry; I think Cubby lived nearby at Stoke Poges or Farnham Royal. And the production crew -- carpenters and painters especially -- were amongst the best bunch of people I've ever known, not least because you could go for a drink with them, something you can't with a desktop PC.

CGI and bloody computers had never been heard of in the early Bonds -- thank God -- and so the potential for disaster during production was always recognised and, as far as possible, avoided. But something went wrong with the armory in that sequence where a huge explosion occurs in Ken's giant volcano set (can't remember which movie, Golden Gun? Moonraker?) and around a dozen extras were carted off to hospital. No serious injuries, thankfully, and mainly short-term deafness. Nowadays they'd be able to hire a grubby TV money chaser and claim for that along with being missold insurance.

Thanks, El Reg, for a reminder of Swinging 60s film and TV -- let's not forget that a mere six or so miles from Pinewood, Gerry Adams was pratting around in Slough with a giant table-top sandbox in which Thunderbirds were go and lots of luvvly bangs left the room swirling with smoke, a fulfilment, it seemed back then, of Betjeman's exhortation.

I still hanker after that crazy world when there was no M4 motorway and it instead took 14 minutes to drive from Pinewood into central London. Progress, ahhhhh. . . .

Reputational damage

Salvaging a balance sheet is one thing, salvagaing a reputation, another. Pixmania's rep is abyssmal. Complaint after complaint litters the 'Net, a common theme being the lament that buyers hadn't realised they were buying from a 'foreign' company. Quite why DSG allows Pixmania to have a UK presence at all escapes me, but then, quite why UK buyers allow Dixons to have a continuing presence is also beyond my comprehension: Amazon, eBuyer and even Comet trounce it.

dumb and dumber

A bit unfair to blame the fruity fanbois when Apple's PR machine runs nod-and-a-wink "tip-offs" to those media so in thrall to the company that they'll print anything: I've lost track of the number of email updates I get from PC Advisor here in the UK announcing / revealing / exclusively reporting that the 'next generation' Fruit Bat Mk 5 v3 running JuicyBits 0.0.5.9 will be on sale next month / year / decade.

Who the fuck cares? Apple is just a manufacturer of a commodity that sells in large part to retards who not long ago thought a pair of trainers was a badge of status.

Me, I'm waiting to hear when Ross Frozen Foods is going to bring out the next version of its microwaveable fish pie dinner . The Haddock4 was pretty good but Haddock5 promises to be even more capable with a shiny new, slimmer box design and a revised operating system optimized for use in low wattage ovens. Haddock5 is trending fast amongst the intelligentsia on Twat and FaecesBook so there are bound to be midnight queues at every Asda-Walmart in the UK.

As this is the same Council which asked the National Health Service to give it some money to grit Cumbria's roads (in much the same way that the NHS would ask Cumbria County Council if it could borrow half a dozen Councillors to work as brain surgeons) and the same Council which gave a massive pay rise to a then Chief Executive who soon afterwards left on 'gardening leave' and then retired on a substantially increased final salary pension which the public purse should never have had to finance. . .

Cumbria County Council is a supremely efficient cost effective Local Authority envied throughout the land.

More ass than ASA??

A few years back, I complained to the ASA about all those daft wristwatch adverts from the well-known internationally acclaimed award-winning Swiss company Kurt von Beethoven Omega Fish Oilz, where Limited Edition Heritage Timepieces were being offered at just £9.95, down from their previous selling price of £849.95p.

I also asked ASA to look into several other famous Geneva-based watchmakers like Gustav Holtz-Alzheimer, Marco Rocco Lambretta-Baguette, Heinz Steinz Vumpzadazy, and Paul Raymond-Unweiled, all of whom were offering 'Classic Watch Collectors' an opportunity to buy 'Immortal Timepieces' at around 95% off the original selling price.

Somewhat uncharitably, I felt all these watchmakers were fictions dreamt up by fast-buck Chinese or Eastern European scammers. But I was wrong.

They were slow-buck.

What they did -- and for all I know, still do -- was find some flea-bag dump of a hotel anywhere in London, pay a few quid to the manager to install a small glass showcase in the tiny reception area, and display the wristwatch at £1,685,426. Only some four to six weeks after that did this same masterpiece appear at £5.95p plus P&P from the Daily Telegraph.

How do I know all that? Because ASA told me. (It may not have specifically characterised the London hotels in the way I've done above, but no matter.)

And ASA went on to say, sorry chum, there's nothing we can do about this. Obviously, it's a legitimate sale offer: the item has been on puiblic display at a previously advertised higher price.

So-ooo . . .

If anyone from El Reg, or eBuyer, or Currys or indeed any other outfit for that matter wishes to contact me, I have a network of 50 appalling 'hotels' in London in which I can install little showcases featuring everything from £15,650 fondle slabs to £1 million smartphones. I am also able, if required, to re-brand anything with a Teknica badge as being an award-winning product from Sungsam-HCT, of which I am the UK's only Official Authorised Reseller..

And no, no need ever to worry about the ASA.

English as she is spoke.

Well done, O2! That has to win an Olympic gold in the Pompous Corporate-speak Bullshit event:

"We're continuing to drive the recovery of this issue with our support teams and vendors."

Time, it seems, for me to articulate a progressive distancing from the 02 supplier / user interface eventuating in separation totality.

Less desirable?

Oh dear. No mention of HTC. Surprisingly enough though, my Desire HD seems to be managing perfectly well on whatever Android version happens to be running under HTC Sense. It's a good thing that no-one here obssesses about OS updates in the way so many sad geeks do.

Paris, because her OS is just fine.

Hard worked MP unfairly slagged off

Give it a rest, you lot.

La Mensch is a hard working and hard at work MP whose own efforts on behalf of (a) her constituents and (b) everyone else here (i.e., the rest of Great Britain + some colonies) are chronicled unfailingly in her own personal up-to-the-minute website.

If you look at what she did yesterday, for example -- nope, sorry, my mistake; if you look at what she did last week -- oh, Gawd, my bad again; if you look what she did a fortnight --sh*t, I'm really screwing this up. Start over: if you look at what she did to earn her Parliamentary salary this month then go to the Top Story on her website to discover that she, er, went on a visit. . .

to a, a. . . care home. . .

61 days ago on May 3rd.

Still. I've been wondering, where she met Bozier.

* Paris. Because she's so-ooo much more worth a menshun.

Excalibur Almaz

Excalibur Almaz's advertising tag line is "Space Business Solutions." Well, yes: the $billions required to finance those 'solutions' do indeed confirm that Space Business Problems are enormous.

By contrast, my own company, Camelot Earth Inc, delivers much more cost-effective solutions. Our nifty advertising tagline:

'Earth: Lots More People Here To Buy Your Stuff Than There Are In Outer Space'

sums up our core philosophy and is derived from many years of detailed research. To date, we estimate a $198.13285927114 trillion saving for our clients, who might otherwise have over-estimated demand for washing machines and motor cars on Triton, but under-estimated the high costs of servicing that market.

* Excalibur Almaz's CEO is the literary executor of Robert E. Heinlein. There may be a clue there.

Great news

As a former print journalist, I'm always delighted at anything which helps ensure the longterm survival of hard-copy media. From local through to national, media depends upon ad revenue, but has since the 'Net came along suffered badly at the hands of eejit marketeers who say print is dead, the Net is the place to sell a product to zillions.

Hilarious. Every week that passes sees more and more users turning to stuff like adblock and ghostery because they don't want advertising hype skipping after them like a 'puppy dog' (the guy who said that really does need to re-train for something else.)

So. . . Well done, GM, for chucking $10 million at something as daft as Facebook with a user profile that perfectly matches the unemployed adolescent. A further $1 million could be saved by shutting down your entire marketing department, too. Oh, and definitely well done, all the lunatics investing in FB. As their losses mount and regrets harden, realisation will dawn that a decent intelligently produced ad in the print media -- say, reminiscent of the Volkswagen classics and Heineken -- is and always will be the way to go.

Finally. . . I've also worked in advertising for many a year and what's so especially wunnerful about that is the fact that when a new client account is pitched for, we -- like every other agency -- always say that advertising has never sold anything and advertising never will. Advertising merely raises awareness. A-w-a-r-e-n-e-s-s. As in, not one TV commercial but many, many repetitions. As in, not one billboard but hundreds. Repetition counts. NOT relevance. Because what's relevant to a consumer may only occur *after* exposure to advertisement repetition.

The gurus of Internet advertising, however, never admit to that because well, they'd be as deservedly jobless as so many FB users. Media 'experts' of the kind ramping up the FB offer are just as institutionally dumb: they actually do want everyone to believe that "relevant" advertising can be "delivered", in as much the same way as a few centuries back they'd doubtless have been hyping investment in spaceships made of wood and sail-cloth as the best way to go harvest all that lovely green cheese of which the moon is made.

Shovelling ads out over the Internet where awareness of them can be blocked by the very target audience an advertiser hopes to capture is as futile as it gets. But don't ask prospective FB shareholders or corporate marketing depts or even ad agencies to accept that. They need their delusions of adequacy, even if it costs mega $millions to fuel such..

Unsocial networking

Three strikes and you're out: this bonzo has (1) Twitter counting against him and (2) Facebook making things even worse; all that's needed now is to see if he's in Google Plus. Morons don't rule the world. They only tell each other they do. (Please Like / please Twitter / please Share.)

Price of fame. . .

Well, stuff going on The Apprentice. Or X Factor. You've made me famous. Fan-tast-ic!!

OK, I know, not everyone takes that view. Actually, I was talking to a chap called Andrew Crossley earlier today. Used to run something called ACS:Law. He says El Reg's behaviour is unforgivable and appalling.

However, I now find out, there's something called 'The Crossley Defence'. It involves telling the ICO, in the event of a data breach, that you're actually quite poor, your health is bad, and the pressure of work has led to events beyond anyone's control. It worked brilliantly for Andrew, he headed back to his country mansion with Ferrari in the drive and didn't have to stump up a penny.

I doubt El Reg has even heard of my friend Andrew, but. . . is The Crossley Defence not worth a try?

Good luck, gang. Shit happens.

Good for Seattle!

Never been the same here in the UK since the GPO was killed off and British Telecom arrived to dismantle all the phone boxes that hadn't previously been dismantled by evil wrongdoers.

More than ever, this country needs a caped crusader so that the next time I'm jostled in a pub by a dumb neanderthal, I can invite him to step outside so we can Seattle this.