Posts by Mike Crawshaw

Dammit

And there I was thinking that 'hui3cafhem1@gmail.com' really DID love me...

Various Responses...

@ Law: Poor bugger! You can't even blind her with science to justify the expense!

@ AC: The trick is to officially have a 3-hour "strategy meeting", followed by an hour or two at the pub. So the odour of beer & fags is apparent and expected, without the accompanying cries of "You're always at the pub with your mates! You never take me anywhere! I have nothing to wear! I need more shoes!" (ok, so I still get them, but at least not as much).

@ Andy: Like I said, she's a technophobe, and wouldn't be able to get to the comments section of this site.... =:-D

@ Sarah - I'll see your "pfft" and raise you a "sheesh"

"And besides it's several inches of snow here. It's hardly a 'sprinkling'."

I'm from Canada.

"several inches of snow" == "sprinkling".

in March 2008 we had up to 183 inches (that's over **15 FEET**, folks....), and we still functioned. Apart from where people stole the snowblowers... (you can't trust those Quebecois!)

Londoners*. Their reactions to snow are so predictable.... God.

(*includes anyone living there and joining in the local pastime of whining about 3" of snow making life impossible.)

Halt! Ihre Papieren, bitte!

Bang go my semi-regular Saturday night visits to Manchester for Jilly's Rock World. I get stopped and hassled quite enough by the Mancunian Plod as it is* without them dragging me off because I don't have a WackyCard, and therefore must be a terryrist**.

The only thing I can't wait for is to be rid of this lot. We need to learn something about civil disorder from the French and Italians, because the gov don't seem to understand that they are headed by the most despised people in the country, and we're fed up of their bullshit and draconianism.

*long hair, leathers. I thought the police stopped hassling metalheads in favour of gangsta rappers years ago, but they seem to make an exception for me...

** Asian missus and I have a beard. Nuff said, just ignore the fact that I'm usually arseholed at this time and chainsmoking, and Islam forbids beer & fags.

@Jake re supermarkets

"Side note: Did you know that all (most?) of those TV screens in supermarkets which blare advertisements at you can be muted via remote control? Sometimes its a blissful couple weeks before someone figures out how to turn the sound on again ..."

Sir, this will be tested on my next visit to such an establishment. If this proves correct, then for the first time in my life, I will be grateful to someone for "enhancing my shopping experience"!

Vision Thing?

Twenty-five whores in the room next door, Twenty-five floors and I need more

I'm looking for the can in the candy store, Two thousand hamburg four

And colours I aint seen before

Its a small world and it smells funny, I'd buy another if it wasnt for the money

Take back what I paid, For another motherfucker in a motorcade

I prefer the SoM Vision Thing. It makes more sense. I wonder if I can get back what I've paid for that Fat Twat Gordon in his Motorcade?

Worst. Belief System. Ever.

Seriously, do these people have a lobotomy when they start making money, or what?

I'm suddenly very glad I've never bought any of those Simpsons box-sets. I like the show, but the thought of my money making its way to these lunatics is nauseating.

Legal Advice?

' "If there is a member of the public who is concerned that they have an illegal image in their possession, they should seek legal advice," the ACPO concludes.'

Legal advice from whom, exactly?

The Ministry of Justice?

The Crown Prosecution Service?

The Police?

Who will all say "erm, dunno really... we don't know what's illegal...."

Wow....

I'm genuinely surprised at the number of people saying "WTF? Eating poisonous fish? No way!" here. I expected more net machismo about how people ate live fugu straight from the sea, and washed it down with acid whilst juggling knives...

I've tried fugu (yes, from a licenced restaurant), and, like jsp above, I'm not hugely keen - I prefer other types of Japanese food. But the attraction is the danger, not the taste. Y'know, like the extreme sports that westerners are so keen on. Take away that "danger-buzz", and there's not a lot else there to attract.

On the subject of "how did they think that up?", I've always wondered who first thought it was a fine idea to:

1. pick some leaves

2. dry said leaves

3. shred them

4. roll them up in a piece of paper

5. put tube of paper filled with shredded dried leaves in mouth and set fire to it

6. inhale the smoke

Whoever that person was, they were a lunatic. But I'd like to thank them for making my mornings so much more bearable.

How long...

before we're banned from going to France? Because, obviously, we only want to go there so we can go to the Louvre and see paintings which have cherubs on. And therefore, anyone trying to go to France should immediately go on the SOR and be righteously villified.

Seeing his picture...

makes the reasons for his behaviour clear...

But.... but...

I keep getting e-mails offering me a job at Google! I'm just waiting until I can get together the £1,000 "consultancy fee" to cover their HR costs before I start coining it in whilst working from home in my shorts....

@ Robert EA Harvey

"If it could be set to 'text only' that would be fine, I could here it chime and then stop when convenient to read what they have to say. Perhaps we should campaign for all new phones to have a 'text only' mode"

There is such a beast as "text only" - it's called "Divert All Calls to Voicemail".

I generally have mine set to a 5-second divert to voicemail, so I have the missed call on my screen, and I know who to call back if they haven't left a message. Or who's being a twat by calling over and over and over, and thus should be ignored in perpetuity.

5 sec divert, if you're not using a phone with the option to set delay on unanswered calls in the divert menu, can be set up by keying:

**61*(voicemail number)*11*5# <CALL>

Can't be skipped...

"MirriAd successfully takes the concept of product placement, the only advertising format that CAN'T BE SKIPPED BY THE VIEWER...."

This says how much regard advertisers have for their audience. People are skipping your ads? No problem, we'll stick them all over the bits they're watching so they can't be so horrible.

This might be a weird concept, but, rather than pissing people off by forcing them to see ads they don't want everywhere they look, wouldn't it make more sense to try and make ads that don't piss them off, and that they DO want to see? Or is that not Web 2.0 enough?

Truly Shit

(Apart from one review I spotted for Blockbuster entertainment - it reads:

"I rented Trainspotting here in 1997. The end.")

Content is minimal, and what I looked at seems mostly to be written by self-important idiots on crack, with little command of the English language.

Lazy construction as well, it keeps trying to take me to the US site and referring me to places in SanFran when I'm looking for stuff in the UK. Tip, guys, if I'm looking for a sushi place in Leeds, I don't mind you telling me about one in (e.g.) Sheffield, but I don't have much use for one in SF...

So.... crap user-generated content, crap functionality - it's bound o be a Web 2.0 Winner, then....

@ Bassey

"So, if you do want to kidnap someone and the ARE determined to use a mobile phone whilst doing it, stick to the coast. They'll never find you!"

Bassey, you are under arrest for revealing information possibly of use to a person for activities not approved by The State. Stay where you are, the helicopters are on their way...

Black Belt in Nursing?

That'll teach them uppity SEALs not to mess...

Careful now...

"...as well as clotheshorsing..."

You might be next on the libel hitlist for making uncomplimentary equine comparisons!

@ AC 12:38

"If only...they had a DNA database! This disgusting (and probably dangerous) pervert could have been looked up and locked up within a few hours; thus making the whole community safer."

shutup shutup shutup shutup!!!!!

(Unless you want a job as Wacky Jackie's policy advisor)

Met him twice...

And on the second occasion, approx a year or so after the first, he remembered my name and the book I got signed the first time. Even asked how the dog was doing (I'd just got a dog the first time, which was why I was replacing Sourcery on that occasion....). Of course, the response had to be "BAD DOG!!!" (a slightly-chewed coconut Quality Street to anyone who can name the book & character....)

That, folks, whether you like his writing or not, is the mark of a true gentleman. IMO, Good Omens is, partly due to the sheer brilliance, and partly due to it being a collaboration with one of my other favourite authors, amongst the top 3 of my all-time favourites, and he makes quite a few other appearances in my top 50.

Well done, Sir Terry. I'll cook up some old boots & mud for a celebratory feast!

"an LAN"??

They deserve to lose just for their poor grammar.

Asda - rated 18

And you have to show ID if the face-recognition software thinks you look under 25. Well, they sell alcohol, and we don't want the kiddies to know what a bottle of beer looks like, do we?

"There is content that should just not be available to be viewed. That is my view. Absolutely categorical."

Mine too, mate. Anything that you say, for a fucking start.

@ theotherone

"who funds this shit exactly?"

Government grants. Which, thankfully in this case, means US and Australian taxpayers rather than you & me. Maybe DARPA will come up with a scheme to use bees to attack terrorists and reward them with cocaine. Or something.

Belief beggared?

"so it beggars belief that the Royal Family's security staff - who are supposedly drawn from the upper echelons of the Police and UK Security Services - didn't pick up on the need for IT security on the photos."

Unfortunately, no, it doesn't beggar belief at all. Standard thought processes seem to not be able to tell the difference between encryption and password-protected. I've been asked what the difference is by people who really should know better too many times to be comfortable.

MMO: Fun < Cost

There's a very simple reason I don't play WoW, or any of the others - subs cost. In any given month, I may have no time at all to play games like this - because, let's be honest, you need a couple of hours free for a session to make it worthwhile. I'm not prepared to pay money on the offchance I'll have enough time to make use of it. I have a family, I work away from home sometimes, I like to do other things, like going outside, or playing with the dog. Crazy, I know.

That's why I bought Guild Wars (and the expansions), because it doesn't matter if I can't play it for a couple of months, it's not costing me anything to have it sitting on the shelf. Sure, it's not as polished as WoW etc, but then it's not costing me over £100 a year after purchase.

If there was an alternative option to be "billed" for MMO actual use - even at, say 50p/hour charged to a card, I'd buy a few, because then it would be worthwhile, as I'd pay for what I used, rather than for the time it sits on the shelf. If in a given month, I could play for 3 hours, it'd cost me something more reasonable than the current pricing model does. I'd take the hit if I ever had a month where I could play more than 20 hours, as most gamers undoubtedly do.

I'd love to play Warhammer, and the new Star Wars looks great, as I loved the old KOTOR games - but being forced to hand over my money every month whether I play or not means they will never grace my HDD.

@ Simon C

As soon as I saw:

"FIRESTRIKE™s can be linked together to get a more powerful beam, apparently."

I thought "uh-huh. Death Star".

No! BAD Microsoft!

Look, I just want to carry on using my Hotmail, as best as I can since you fucked with it again. I don't want to integrate Instant Messaging - I don't use Windows Live Messnger, AIM, ICQ etc. I don't want to integrate social networking sites - I don't use FaceSpace or MyBook. I don't want to integrate picture albums - I keep them on my hard drive, thanks. I don't want to integrate my Amazon account - I haven't used it since that Print on Demand debacle earlier in the year.

Nor do I wish to integrate my toileting routine (930-945 every morning, thanks for asking) to "enhance my experience". The only thing that would ehance my experience there is a PSP. So forget that one before you start, you fuckers.

So can I PLEASE just have a working e-mail? Pretty please?

*BONG*

Here are the news headlines.

*BONG*

The new series of "I'm a Desperate Wanker, Get Me On TV!!!" has started tonight. Full character profiles of all 26 celebrities involved to follow.

*BONG*

The latest instalment on the Beckham marriage crisis.

*BONG*

Jordan says she doesn't fancy Pete.

*BONG*

New wonder-drug to instantly cure obesity has been discovered. Available on the NHS by 2035.

*BONG*

The cat that ran away last night has been re-united with its tearful owner. Full interview to follow.

*BONG*

Oh yeah. Some war somewhere still going. We think.

"a bit crap really"

No! Really? Wow, that would be unexpected. Next you'll tell us that Axl is actually "a bit of a twat"!

Lies & Appetite were good. Nay, they were beyond good. Use Your Illusion 1 & 2 were... ok, a mixed bag. Spaghetti Incident was, to be polite, a fraying Netto carrier bag, full of sloppy dog turds. Not even polished ones.

But I don't doubt the sales will be massive from the 30-somethings desperate to relive their youth and the teenagers wanting to know what all the fuss is about. Which means Guns'n'Roses (these days, Axl & whatever session musicians are hungry enough to put up with him...) will be touring again. Dammit.

No it doesn't.

"The benefits of the NDNAD lie .... and in building public confidence that elusive offenders may be detected and brought to justice.”

Not if the people I know are in any way representative of "the public". Even taking into account all the people I know whose wardrobe does not contain a tin-foil hat, I don't know a single person that thinks it's a good idea to have all these innocent people on the NDNAD "just in case". Not one.

Yeeuch

Just had the forced migration. Horrible. When the browser isn't full screen (which is my normal), the folder options and "Other places" merge into and over each other. And they took away the "empty folder" options previously placed next to junk and deleted, so now you have to go into that folder to have the option to empty it all, which is a pain in the arse.

But it's free and I like my address, so I guess I'll suck it up. It's not like MS get any money out of me using it (click on adverts? HA!) so I guess I don't really have any leverage...

I claim my peanut!!!

"Now, a peanut for anyone who can formulate a "Google.""

German Shepherd + Poodle = Google.

Looks attractive enough, makes a lot of noise, but you sure as hell don't want to be there when it's made....