* Posts by TeeCee

9433 publicly visible posts • joined 5 Oct 2007

Wanted: £160k-a-year Twittercrat

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'jams'

All we have to do is work out what acronym / bolloxspeak word either sounds a bit like "jams" when read out over the phone to the PR boys or is close enough when typed for their Spoil Chicken to have come up with 'jams' as the closest English equivalent.

In answer to the question posed by the twat, I reckon there's absolutely nothing that the Government's doing in the Digital Age that it shouldn't be. I like a good laugh and it would be a shame if this seemingly endless source of highly original rib-ticklers were to dry up.

Cisco to bundle Trend security suite with wireless routers

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Next week's news.

Cisco hauled before the EU commission after anti-competitive practice complaints from Symantec, McAfee etc.

US Navy orders new electric hyper-kill railgun

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Warships to the fore?

".....coastal areas of the world."

Dunno about that. One thing that would definately be capable of mounting and powering a humungous, ship-fragging railgun would be a coastal defence emplacement.

Just out of interest and 'cos I like my heavy artillery to be mobile, exactly what do you call a railgun mounted on a railway carriage? A railrailgun? If you mount two, is the result a railrailgungun?

Facebook downplays eternal user data grab

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It's deja vu all over again?

It must be bloody Groundhog Day or something.

First .NET Passport (MS backed down).

Then MySpace (backed down).

Then Google Orkut (neither of the people who used it gave a flying f***).

Then Google Chrome (world had a hissy fit - Google backed down).

Now ArseBonk (who appear to be backing down).

All the above to be found recorded here, courtesy of your friendly search box. Hint: Find the Chrome one, it links to the others.

I guess that everyone involved in this type of service knows damned well that the only way that they can really make money is by owning the content and commercialising it in the future. Unfortunately for them, when you have a huge user base the chance that someone actually *reads* the Ts and Cs before thumping the "accept" button is quite high.........

DLNA compliance testing: It ain't working

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Gates Horns

Yet more proof that the old adage holds true:

Never buy version 1 of anything.

Operators and handset vendors plug standard charger

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Greenwash Alert!

I read elsewhere that to get approval to sell a new mobile device in China, it *must* have a USB charger / interface socket (mini or micro IIRC).

So what they're actually saying is: "We've been forced to do this by the Chinese and we're really pissed off 'cos we can't sell proprietary chargers any more. We'll present this as a Green initiative though, 'cos it's trendy and makes a good press release."

MySQL daddy juices Finnish security firm

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Primary key burger.

I hear that the Egg / Mustard / Olive Oil / White Wine Vinegar / Salt / Pepper* they do with the chips is good too.

*Open-sauce...............

'Lenny': Debian for the masses?

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@Flocke Kroes

"Satnavs would need the latest Pentium, a large battery, a noisy fan and would only be useful for 30 minute journeys."

Funny that. Mine runs on, er, Win CE and works rather well. No Pentium or fan and runs on internal batts for several hours between charges. But then, I suppose that if one were to build a satnav using a full Linux distro rather than a cut down embedded kernel designed for the job, that would require a hefty CPU et. al. too.

Of the home routers I've owned over the years, only one has run Linux under the bonnet. It's the one I have now and it's a right sodding dog to configure, 'cos the muppets who built the nice web GUI front end left all the clever bits to their Byzantine CLI. It is cheap though. I guess you get what you pay for.

I found the rest of your arguments equally as fatuous and factually inaccurate and the "closet" remark at the end to be the most delicious irony.....

Apple's Mac OS X update breaks Perl

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@Eddy Ito

Flawless logic there. In an ideal Universe, Apple would just have disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Pilots boycott gov ID cards

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@eurobloke

"....ake ID is practicality unheard of in many European countries, due to a standard card."

Funnily enough, this seems to work rather well without a massive centralised database, biometric flannel or charging an arm and a leg for it (you thought 42 quid for a Driving License was excessive, wait for the *real* horror story.....).

Nobody objects to the opportunity to take an ID card. It's the way that the Government has taken a very simple and useful idea, fed it through their neo-Stalinist planning process and turned it into a phenomenally complex, demonstrably unworkable and massively overpriced Edifice of Shite (tm).

Oh, and having comprehensively fucked it up, they want to make it mandatory as well.

Do you understand now?

Royal Navy to be first running-jump-jet force

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Running Jump?

Sounds more like a Flying F*** to me.

Oh, and re: ETLA's. You might have a problem with prior art there, unless you can prove that you came up with this at least 20 years ago......

Twitter attack exposes awesome power of clickjacking

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@Andy Worth

I think what you're trying to say is:

"What happens if I push this button?"

"I wouldn't....."

<Bing>

"Oh."

"What happened?"

"A little sign lit up saying: 'Please do not push this button again'.".

Man U fan pwned in Facebook honeypot

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Joke

At last, some real news!

Wow! There are *two* scousers with the sense of humour, patience, planning abilities and smarts to pull this off?

I am truly astonished.

Brit, French nuke subs collide - fail to 'see' each other

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The French Navy.

According to their official statement, their lads "...did not see or hear anything."*

Presumably: <reverb> BANG!!!! GRRRRIIIIINNNND, SCREEEEECCCCCCHHHHHH, CLATTER, CLATTER, TINKLE </reverb> passed them by then.....

Mine's the one with the panel beating hammer and ticket to Faslane in the pocket.

*Presumably they'll get sued for copyright violation by Arsene Wenger here.

Michelin strikes key 'e-wheel' deal

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OMFG!

French electrics x 8, exposed to the elements.

Can anyone else see the flaw in this otherwise cunning plan?

Stop, because it will. Frequently. Especially if it rains.

Unix world braces for geekgasm

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@zenkaon

Try imagining the Universe as an enormous arse. It all makes sense then.

Dear Obama: Please consider open-source a waste of your time

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@myxiplx and Saucerhead

I take it that neither of you bothered to read the second page then?

Nice one Ted. Hook, line and sinker.

Cocaine now cheaper than lager

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Obvious really.

When down the boozer, you have to go outside into the cold and peeing rain for a drag these days, but you can snort a couple of lines while comfortably seated in the warm and dry.

Mine's the one with the, er, small bag of icing sugar in the pocket.

Microsoft goes retail with own shops

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Great idea.

A large plate-glass window in every town just for lobbing RROD'd Xboxes through.

Just what we needed. Mail in is just so impersonal and doesn't give anywhere near the satisfaction that being able to fling the sodding things in their faces will.

Prof: Save up fossil fuel reserves to fight the next ice age

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Yes, but.

In 170,000 years, assuming we're still here, it'll probably be a bit simpler to just choose a better orbit and move the planet into it.

Symbian Foundation in anti-Android recruit drive

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Re: Laptots

I think that it's something to do with Extreme Pornography.

<sigh>

I guess we'll be missing El Reg for a bit once NuLab's Jackbooted Stormtroopers have kicked the doors in and seized the servers.

Networked radar barrage balloons pass milestone

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Not "Barrage Balloons".

A Barrage Balloon is one used as part of an air defence system comprising many balloons tethered with cables, ideally arranged in such a manner as to make it impossible to fly a straight course without hitting a cable somewhere along the line (a "balloon barrage" funnily enough). WWII vintage.

These are reconnaissance balloons, which have been in use since 1794, when Napoleon used them against the Austrians. The only difference being that these have an electronic sensor pack rather than a couple of blokes in a basket with a telescope and a megaphone.

As for popping the balloons, this was the strategy adopted in WWI. Fighter aircraft would go up equipped with incendiary bullets (and a letter stating that they were officially balloon strafing as incendiaries were banned for other purposes) to knock 'em down prior to a "push". This was considered suicidal, as not only were they generally ringed with anti-aircraft guns there was also a nasty habit of putting up fakes with dummies and a half ton of HE in the basket to be detonated when enemy aircraft got close enough.

Facebook hits back at Italian ban

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@Austin Chamberlain

Nah, not evil, just selfish.

Let's face it, it's the only way *he* stands a chance of getting any........

GM Volt to get regular software-style updates

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@Pete James

They have In Car Entertainment systems in F1? Who knew?

Bit of understeer, adjust wing, poke KERS button, down to 5th, retune to Radio 4 for The Archers, up to 6th, check pit board, busy, busy.........

Tesla names Model S rollout date

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Oh dear.

They used the word "intuitive". Last time I saw that used in automotive product puff was for the BMW i-Drive system..........

I believe that in the automotive world "intuitive" means "comes with a very thick book that tells you how to use it".

What did you do on Emergency Services day?

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Bloody hell!

I appear to be part of a majority for once and quite a large one too.

This feels.......weird.

Palm unfazed by Apple patent threat

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Re: How about this.

I can see a problem with the sixth point. Here's a scenario.

1) Small inventor patents rather clever and efficient process.

2) Big, evil company produces prototype product using new efficient process under wraps.

3) Big, evil company lobbies government to require use of efficient process as opposed to old, inefficient process.

4) Government snaps up "greenwash" opportunity.

5) Big, evil company does a Blue Peter product launch ("Here's one I prepared earlier").

6) Small inventor takes the shaft.

I can also see a problem with the seventh. Here's the new lucre-rich point for fancy lawyers to "demonstrate" big, evil company's "independent" innovation. Another way for the small innovator (who can't afford the big legal bills) to get rogered up the backside.

I'd add a ninth point. Any attempt to sue someone for patent violation which results in your patent being held invalid / inapplicable should automatically result in your picking up *both* sets of legal costs in full. i.e. you'd better be bloody sure it's sound, bulletproof and that it is being ripped off before even *thinking* about trying it on.

Satellites crash over Siberia: Iridium bird destroyed

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@Mark Wills

I think you just won the Troll of the Week award.......

Bletchley Park fires up Big Green-Eyed Monster

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I'm sorry?

So, two machines that had done sterling service for 25 years have a "retro appearance"?

It'd be a damned sight more "remarkable" if they *didn't*........

Barcelona boffin births swarming microrobots

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What I want to know.

Is whether he's removed the "on" and "off" labels from the lab light switch and replaced them with "creation" and "genocide"?

Prime Minister out-nonsensed by Conservative Wikifiddler

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I dunno what's worse.

Sweaty Gordon choosing a "fact" that nobody in reality knows the truth of or correct value for as a demonstration of his erudition*, Dangerous Dave deciding to argue about it or some unnamed tit playing the wikifiddle as if it were a "get out of jail free" card.

Fail, Fail and thrice Fail, I say.

*At least that one has irony going for it. The other two parts of this sorry public pig's ear are just sad.

I look forward to tomorrow and the surprising news that Titian is still with us and has been tipped as the next Batman........

NSA offering 'billions' for Skype eavesdrop solution

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Old skool roolz!

Of course, in the bad old days, yer spooks had to get out of their comfy chairs and airconditioned offices and go and stick little mics on phones so they could hear what was being said. I'll bet you can stick a little mic on a Skype handset and it'll work just as well. Immune to any software update encryption shenanigans too.

KA-CHING! (That'll be 1 billion US to a numbered Swiss bank account please - just mail me the number.)

Of course, this is a bit obvious as it requires a proper "op" to do it and is a tad more difficult to get away with without all that pesky paperwork in place (court order for wiretap and such).

I guess what they *really* want is a way of listening in to Skype conversations that preserves "plausible deniability" for the top spooks when their underlings are caught listening to things that they're not really allowed to.

EU threatens 'formal action' against UK.gov on Phorm

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@Bobby

You're saying it's just a matter of agreeing the price then?

It'll take a bit more than fine dining, this one. This is the EU commission we're talking about, not the House of Lords. I reckon they're in for the full highly-paid sinecure for the family member and envelope stuffed with cash here.

It'll be badged as "receiving the necessary assurances from HMG", but that's what it'll really be.

SanDisk shows off multi-level cell make-over

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Sub heading.

I read "X4 and X3 flash dies" and dived in to read the news of the exciting new technology that's caught everyone else on the hop, writing off their investment in crappy old X3 and X4 tech and causing a bloodbath in the flash business.

I take it that this was deliberate and I've just been figuratively stuffed and mounted on the wall then?

Thanks guys........

Top MI6 spy: Terrorism less serious than bird flu

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Hint for the Home Office.

"Keep Terrorism off the roads!"

There you go. Simple, punchy and it'll play well in the Daily Heil and the Sizzling, Soaraway Cesspool.

You can have that for free on me. I like a good laugh.

Obama orders 'root and branch' cybersecurity review

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@Daniel B.

FFS, not again!

Please explain carefully exactly *why* a Windows box with its password policy set to allow blank passwords and with such in use is less secure than a <insert favourite OS> box with its password policy set to allow blanks and such in use?

Boffin icon? I could weep.

Elevator music files for Chapter 11

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I don't trust 'em not to come back.

I say we take the dropship and nuke the site from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.......

Cuba crafts extra-communist Linux distro

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Implied, but not spoken.....

"Private software can have black holes and malicious codes that one doesn't know about,"

Whereas with our software we know *exactly* where all the black holes and malicious codes are and our Secret Police have all the backdoors they'll ever need to deal with those pesky journalists and capitalist running-dog dissidents.

Firefox's Fennec trots onto Windows Mobile

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@Gerard Krupa

3 minutes to startup? Looks like they've taken the POS that was MiniMo and carefully attached a new name and front end to it then. That one was fast enough to resume once resident, but since it had a footprint in memory somewhat comparable with that of the Yeti in snow, you couldn't leave it resident and do anything else. Epic fail then and epic fail redux now.

As for Opera mobile: Plus side: f***ing magic! Minus side: they seem to have an "install to memory card" issue, in that it doesn't. In all fairness here, the 9.5 Beta clearly states that it doesn't, it's just that this doesn't help you much when the 3 meg clog in main storage causes it to throw out-of-memory errors all the time. Now if and when Opera fix this one, Mozilla might just as well pick up their marbles and go home.

Beeb borrows copyrighted Flickr image

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Re: progressed.

I think you'll find that the verb "to progress" has been around since at least the time of Chaucer* and probably earlier.

Also, you should note that it's not the colonial habit of massacreing the language that is our principle objection**, it's the sheer bloody ignorance of it. In making this point I am indebted to your fine illustration thereof.

*i.e. before there were any ignorant colonials to screw around with the language.

**There's still no excuse though.

GM talks up EV battery longevity tech

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"Inside the Ampera"

It's got a seperate chassis / running gear assembly? How quaint.

Nice to see that GM are enhancing their "core competancies" though. That'll be two of them then, the other being "pissing money on the wall" of course.

Jacqui Smith cracks down on gangs via computers, closets

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ROFLMAO!

".....banning them from using and threatening to use violence."

If the prospect of being prosecuted for Threatening Behaviour, Assault or such isn't a deterrent here, it's difficult to see how issuing a note saying that, er, you're not allowed to do this sort of thing is going to have any effect at all.

Here's an idea. Try Doing Something About It (enforcing the laws you have) rather than Being Seen To Do Something About It (dreaming up drafts of new laws for a press release).

Windows 7 'upgrade' doesn't mark XP spot

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Gates Horns

Anyone surprised?

Has anyone *ever* got an MS O/S upgrade to work successfully? Even those that are supposed to?

XP --> Vista is a well known "wipe and reinstall" setup, if you want it stable. Win 7 is just cutting out the middle man here.

This is one of the few areas where the vitriol generally chucked at MS round here is entirely justified.

Windows 7 UAC flaw silently elevates malware access

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Re: setuid

Or, in other words: It's a piece of piss to do this on a UNIX system as well, once you've got your calling program installed with the correct owner and flags set.

The only thing left to work out is whether that's a harder exercise than getting the trusted, digitally signed calling program onto Win 7........

Netbook demand surge to slow next year

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Re: Ermmm...

No contradiction at all. Netbooks can both slow in demand *and* outsell everything else.

All this requires is for everything else to have their sales volumes take a quick trip down the shitter, like there was a recession on or something.

Logic3 Valve80 thermionic iPod dock and speaker set

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@Funkster

You forgot: "...and a better signal source than a sodding iPod dock to make it worth having in the first place".

Apple iPhoto gets in your face

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@Ty

Yes, because if you particularly want Windows apps, buying an overpriced Mac and then paying extra for Parallels and a Win license is just *such* a sensible way to go about it.

It's just possible that Mr Rueger hasn't got more money than sense, you know.

Pay waaaay over the odds for your Wintel machine just to have it in a shiny box? lol

Some people.

Half Life 2 used for firefight fire drill

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Very clever, I'm sure.

Now do it again. This time only using the pistol.

Competition regulator kyboshes Project Kangaroo

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No tears shed here.

I dunno why everyone's going all misty-eyed over Kangaroo getting shot down.

1) It would have been DRM ridden to keep all the players happy.

2) Probably would have required the "Kontiki" malware^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hclient or similar too.

3) Look, no iPlayer, we've gone all Kangaroo (and don't think they wouldn't).

4) Mac version in 2011, Linux in 2020 if we're lucky.

I'd have paid to see Sky and Virgin singing from the same hymn sheet though. It must have required some serious stoicism to keep the handbags under their respective chairs.

European Parliament wants criminalization of online 'grooming'

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@Sweep 'n Paul

Yes, but "joke" doesn't really apply in this case. It always irks me to put "joke" on something that isn't an honest-to-god joke*, just to prevent the kneejerk arsehats from spouting kneejerk arsehattery.

Now, a "tongue in cheek" or "sarcasm" icon, however.

*i.e. something that starts with "I say, I say, I say" and ends with "....because it isn't threatening behaviour, if you own a kangaroo!"**

**Feel free to add the middle bit yourselves. I've done the hard work.