Posts by TeeCee

Wow!

A 64-bit Word Processor. How, er, useful.

Do you get the chocolate teapot free or is it an extra-cost option?

I know just how they feel.

"Taking the time to observe L4 and L5 is kind of cool because it's free,"

A sort of outer space version of the Angel of the North then. Oodles of people have seen it, but only while whizzing past on the A1.....

Meanwhile.....

As another sales rep returns empty-handed, the Brazilian Board of Trade convenes to discuss just what it is they have to do to break into the UK's lingerie market......

Act of God?

So, have they arrested the bastard yet? Inquiring minds want to know.

Officer: We're charging you with illicit grade fiddling and computer misuse.

Perp: I'd like a few other offences taken into consideration.

Officer: Such as?

Perp: The Crusades, the Inquistion, the witchhunts, 9/11, the massacre of the innocents........

Ha bloody ha!

"..... it is right that Mr McBride and Mr Draper took the decision not to publish this material...."

Funny that. As I heard it, that was the scrofulous McBride dreaming up a load of salacious bollox, sending it to Draper for his pseudo-blog and Draper realising that publishing a load of libellous crap with no factual basis whatsoever in a blatant breach of parliamentary rules was quite likely to drop 'em both in the poo.

Kudos to Guido for dropping 'em both in the aforementioned poo anyway.

A new milestone for the Brown administration. Making Alistair Campbell look honest and competant really takes some doing.

@Terry Barnes

Ah! That hoary old chestnut. It has a few unfortunate show-stopping problems.

1) It requires all vehicle manufacturers to sign up to a standard pack and a standard way of getting it in and out of the car. You can feel the fail right there. Apart from the obvious cooperation problems (whose? licensing? technology?) in an industry where product differentiation is the very stuff of life this one's dead on the floor. You're also killing development (I have a new type of battery that charges in ten seconds and offers 500 mile range, but it doesn't fit the standard pack, so it's now of no use). Finally here, design a "standard" pack to fit both a seven seat, three tonne SUV and a Smart car. Anything less is a multiplier on problem 3, below.

2) Nobody's been able to find a way of doing this that works around the rather scary health 'n safety issues. Letting Joe Public move 50 kilo packs around on a garage forecourt is a no-no in most places (and a recipe for bankruptcy via court judgement in the good ol' US of A - drop on foot, make 20k. I would.). The alternative is drive in bays with qualified staff swapping packs which, apart from the logistics of the bays themselves and 24x7 staffing in all "refuelling" locations, ain't going to be cheap bringing us to...:

3) Cost. Providing plugin points is cheap, cheerful and simple. Providing the infrastruture to swap, handle, keep reserves of and charge packs at umpteen million outlets is going to be hugely bloody expensive whichever way you slice it. Think about the number of packs you need on standby on an August Bank holiday at one (1) service station.......(!!)

4) Whose fault is it? Your pack runs down in your new car and you pull in for a replacement. 20 miles down the road your "new" pack loses charge / expires permanently / bursts into flames unexpectedly. Somebody's looking at a warranty claim, recovery costs, hire car, potential damages etc. etc. Who? Anyone looking at touching this idea with anything short of a bargepole hasn't taken legal advice IMHO.

I could go on, but I fear that I already have.....

".....comes from Nvidia."?

That one came up twice too.

Next weeks tech tip: Frying an egg on your SSD controller while ripping DVDs.

Crikey!

I can't believe you wrote that without using the phrase "Git orf moi laaand" at least once.

It's in the countryside you know......

The cash required.

"Whether Microsoft's bigwigs carry $11m in their pockets is unlikely...."

Possibly true, it'd be a bit bulky. They need to get 'em to nip home and grab it out of the sock drawer.

It'd better be Chuck.

Impersonating Chuck is a crime punishable by death. And pain. And then more death.

Ironic really.

"......MA in........Lolcats."

Which for an *arts* course would actually make rather more sense.......

"....talking shop for regulatory staff......"

I read this and immediately imagined a load of middle-aged blokes with leather patches on the elbows of their jackets sitting round a table.

A sort of "BEREC on Tweed" if you will.......

Presumably, in this case.

That's: "Arrr, me hearties", delivered in a stilted and unconvincing manner with a heavy French accent.

Piracy just ain't what it used to be.

"everything but the kitchen sink"

She needs to try that then. I'd like to see how far the little buggers get after being firmly walloped with a kitchen sink.

I'd suggest one of those old-fashioned "Butler" stone sinks for maximum squirrel-incapacitating effect.

That's Phorm phucked then.

Other news?

"Phorm officially announced a trial of its technology by Korea Telecom"

Is that North Korea by any chance? That's a market that they should fit into nicely.

@David Wiernicki

But: "No credit for good grammar"

Tough.

How to make your own news.

This story was broken by the Express? I wonder how they found out......*

*Note for Americans and anyone else not paying attention. The proprietor of the Express also happens to own a selection of subscription-only porn channels** offered on a variety of carriers including, er, Virgin.

**Yup. Being accused of depravity by a professional smutmonger must irk a bit. I laughed.

Very bloody helpful, I'm sure.

Now come up with something that I can use to explain to the wife the suspiciously large pile of boxes in the hall containing various bits of bleedin' edge techy stuff that came by courier the other day.

Getting a sex change so I can use this useful cop-out doesn't appeal somehow.

@adnim

I've got that and I think that most other sets have it too. It's the little button on the remote that has a picture of a speaker with an "X" through it.

Press that and, hey presto, you only hear the true bits.

Nooooooooooooooooo!

They'll regret it the following morning.

1) The space bog'll look like it's been resprayed in British Leyland Harvest Gold by a drunk using a lawn sprinkler.

2) Any "side effects" will have to be lived with as opening the windows to let some fresh air in is off the cards. Looking at six more weeks in an environment of mixed curry sweat and bowel-processed fried onion would cause anyone to go batshit insane.

3) The recycled water'll have a suspicious cardamon flavour for weeks afterwards.

4) The zero-gee environment will prevent the puke from forming a convenient and easily removed puddle on the floor.

Also, the weight of the requisite bottles of Kingfisher is going to be a logistics nightmare in the payload of the next resupply.

@Richard Bazen

"........what about posters etc?"

Good grief! I posted here yesterday. This morning I looked at my reflection in the steamed-up bathroom mirror and my face was blurred!

Curse you Google.

How technology improves your life.

Old way:

<BANG> "WTF was that? Aaaaaarrrggggghhhhh!" <Thud>

New way:

<BANG> "Ah! One of *those*! Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!" <Thud>

So, uniquely in Europe.

If you order a Budweiser, you get beer.

I suppose everywhere else in the world has to continue to live with watered piss as a result of that request......

Translation service:

"It is not our intention that identity cards should be mandatory for UK nationals."

Translates as:

"It is the intention of the Police, MI5, The Home Secretary, The Prime Minister, Waitrose, the NHS, Battersea Dog's Home, the EU, that bloke called Fred we met down the pub..............."

It's all in the timing.

Now, if only the newspaper in question had phoned for comment at around lunchtime on Wednesday:

"There's a huge, useless prick on your roof. Would you care to comment?"

"That can't be right. I have the Parliament Channel on and he's taking PMQs at Westminster right now."

Fishy comment.

"......mutated sea bass....."

I recall that in 2002, her Majesty was presented with a new, custom Bentley limo. According to the Toadygraph at the time, this has a "400 horsepower twin-turbot engine".

At the time I had this down as a typo. Now I'm not so sure as more evidence of powerful mutant fish just keeps on surfacing and 200hp Turbot are starting to seem quite plausible...

I see the problem.

"Contrary to many opinions, we do have a private life."

They finally realised that they lacked the basic qualifications for the job then.

More obvious application.

The applications of this tech in the highly lucrative knob enhancement business have the potential to be, quite literally, endless.

No, I am not wearing a very long pink scarf under my coat.....

I think it's just terrible.

Companies that purport to really care about the environment flying their management around in private jets. They must find the nagging guilt stressful.

They should give their private jet to me as I don't give a toss what the eco-wankers think and thus won't feel guilty at all. That way everyone's happy.