* Posts by TeeCee

9433 publicly visible posts • joined 5 Oct 2007

Buster's World gives Guardian Professional balloon-sized headache

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Joke

Re: Grauniad

By heck, I do believe you've got it! When you search for "Bistors Wurld", nothing nasty shows up.

BAE broke bribery pledge, faked US arms-export applications

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Ah, the F-104G*

Which gave rise to the famous old joke: "If you want to buy a Starfighter, it's cheaper to buy a piece of Germany and wait."

* "G for Germany!". +1 internets to anyone who gets the reference.

IPS's double IT has risks, says commissioner

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Grenade

Wait a bit then.

"It is not one of those bodies..........(etc.)..."

Ah, the verbal equivalent of chucking bricks through Fate's windows. Shouldn't be long now until Home Office Data Loss Apology Day comes around again......

Phoenix recovers barbecued data in Europe

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FAIL

I can see a problem.

"...adds that in as it is sent by the Phoenix box's mobile phone link....."

Which'll work really well after the local authorities have locked the cell system into "emergency services only" mode while they deal with the disaster in question.

Even if that doesn't happen, the fact that everyone within a 20 mile radius will be trying to phone world + dog should make getting a data connection rather fun.

Adobe apologizes for festering Flash crash bug

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Joke

Wow, I'm impressed!

Opera's installed in two places? Who knew?

Endeavour en route to ISS

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Re: no problems

Also easy. You put the scales on the 1 Earth mass object that you've thoughtfully placed stationary relative to the cupola you're weighing.

MySQL handler Jacobs walks out on Oracle

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Linux

Open Office snubbed?

"...in Ubuntu Netbook Edition...."

Ah, makes sense now. Seeing as the whole idea of netbooks was that their el cheapo specification would be disguised by the use of cloudy applications, it seems that Canonical are the first to get it right in this segment by having their netbook OS default to using same OOB. Let's face it, it's either that or sit on their hands and wait until ChromeOS (which has this approach built in) cleans their clock for 'em.

I'd say it's only Google docs because if you want an alternative you're pretty much shit out of luck right now. I'm sure this won't stop the conspiracy types and freetards slinging the jolly old vitriol around though.

Vodafone Twitterer takes aim at some beaver

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Joke

Why apologise?

Twitter serves a highly valuable purpose.

Imagine teh intawebs as your large country mansion in the Cotswolds, set in several acres landscaped by Capability Brown. Now imagine what said dwelling would be like were it to lack a Septic Tank....

Steve Jobs in secret NYT meet

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Coat

Cloaks.

Don't forget the cloak. You need something to swirl theatrically for effect to go with that lot.

A cane always goes down well too. I'm thinking something in japan-black laquer with a silver apple on the end.

Right, off to the cloakroom now. [Exit - stage left]

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Coat

Mango Lassi with that?

Is he on the menu or is raw 'n twitching sirloin of Jobs also a special order dish?

Air Marshal: RAF may not have to be disbanded

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FAIL

US Marines?

I'm sure that the USAF, USN, the US Army and their Air Corps (not to mention the somewhat secretive lads in the fledgling Space arm) will be delighted to be completely overlooked like that.

The US seems to feel the need to maintain all the other bits, despite the Marines. Maybe they're not quite the be all and end all that you suggest they are?

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You know what'll really happen.

They'll spend a load of time and money looking into it, decide it's a hornet's nest and settle for economies of scale by reorganising the various supply and logistics bits into a Combined Operations Purchasing Oversight UniT.

Quantum superclock will be accurate past end of life on Earth

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Joke

Re: Cue

What you mean something like:

"Is that an aluminium ion in your pocket?"

"Yes sir. The Chief Constable insists that our shirts are properly pressed and the steel ones are too heavy to carry while on the beat."

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Joke

So, this is how it ends?

"At the third stroke, the time will be The End Of The World precisely."

Bugger (Bip). I'm a few (Bip) seconds slo(Beeep)...........NO CARRIER.

Adobe to Jobs: 'What the Flash do you know?'

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Re: Footnote [2]

Er, Google? Seems to be where they're getting most of 'em from right now.

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Jobs Horns

Yes, but.

Apple's ads for the iPhone do (or rather did) state "the internet", "the full internet", "not just the mobile internet", etc and made no reference to the WWW. Those claims are what the ASA nailed them to the cross for.

Clueless yes. But it's the Lord High Cultist and his ignorant sheep you should be dissing not Mr Webb, he's just accurately relaying the iCobblers....

Directgov kids' site apes explosive gay porn brand

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Coat

Easy fix.

"......Buster is a friendly, tail-wagging dog that wears a sheriff’s badge...."

Just change the dog's name to Rusty........oh, wait........

MS hits Office 2010 upgrade program button prematurely

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Coat

Oops.

Can I have a tenner on "Bugger All" for Office sales figures over the next month please?

London Sperm Bank whips out its wedding tackle

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Joke

Re: Sky Cock

Hmm. I'm guessing that this is one of those things that you can't do with Mastercard........

Apple bans geo loco ads on iPhone, iPad*

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Jobs Horns

Or, in other words.

Apple to 3rd party app developers: "You're not allowed to screw the owners of our shiny toys. Your job is to hold them down while we screw them."

Do Google's search warrant police run IE6?

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Coat

Hardly surprising.

"China.....still clings heavily to IE6"

Well, you don't get the Win updates if you're running a bent copy.

Inside Microsoft's innovation crisis

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Gates Horns

new ideas?

A custom cloud architecture (yeah, like no-one else has got one of *those* already), a browser-cum-OS (Chrome) and a revamped search engine (Google without the traffic)?

Is playing catchup with Google the new definition of innovation?

(No idea what Midori is or whether it's genuinely innovative but, even if so, 1/4 is still well into "see me after class" territory.)

Think Aussie election rules are draconian? Look at the UK's

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Happy

Is that trough still open?

Ok, like the Lottery on a rollover week then.

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Happy

If I read that right.

It's perfectly all right to call Gordon Brown a one-eyed Scots idiot in the runup to the election, as long as you stand for Parliament?

Worth the 500 quid deposit all on its own that and there's an outside chance of a fat salary, decent pension and huge expense account* in there as well. Like the Lottery with fringe benefits added.

*Ok, maybe not that.

Men at Work swiped Down Under riff

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Flame

Bastards. All of them.

All that about "Kookaburra" has dragged to the fore some well-buried memories of "Time and Tune" on the radio in junior school, singing along in class and some tone-deaf teacher with a Xylophone. No flute part AFAIR though.

I always got stuck with the ridged wooden fish thing that you scrape with a stick. I WANTED THE BLOODY TAMBOURINE!!!111!! Some smug little git whose mother was chair of the PTA or something always got the tambourine. Scarred for life I am.

There are some things that should remain forgotten......

NASA develops spaceship work robot called 'R2'

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Joke

GM version.

"For GM, this is about safer cars...."

Presumably it's the Toyota version we should be scared of from a laser-and-chainsaw-equipped, flesh-rending insane killbot perspective then......

Researchers penetrate last bastion of Windows security

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Complicated fix?

It may be complex to fix the memory handler so that JIT-spraying doesn't work. I'd have thought that fixing DEP so that it isn't fooled by obfuscation techniques might be a tad simpler.

Accept Adobe's crapware stomping around in data memory, just make sure that what it stuffs in there can't be executed later (like wot DEP is supposed to do).

Save DAB! Send FM radios to Africa

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FAIL

Why FM's in for the long haul.

Get into a car in, say, Prague and drive to Manchester*. Listen to the radio on the way, retuning as necessary. Now do that with a DAB tuner.

FM won't go until cars have been fitted with digital tuners as standard for at least five years. Vehicle manufacturers won't find the things as standard until they get to somewhere above chocolate teapot in the usefulness stakes.

*Yes, you probably will need to stop for a wee a few times.

DNA pioneer lambasts government database policy

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FAIL

United Arab Emirates?

It's nice to see the open and democratic government of the UAE striving to keep pace with the high principles of freedom that we hold in Blighty. Well done the British government for continuing to raise the bar for others to aspire to.

Hubble snaps space conker bonk aftermath

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...and he wasn't the first.

I believe that the first pilots to fall foul of this particular problem were those flying the Me163 "Komet" in WWII.

They found the hard way that the standard tactic of approaching the target from above and behind, firing a burst as you close and then levelling out to pass beneath the target with the intention of going around for another try put them neatly in the hail of 20mm cannon fire that they'd unleashed a couple of moments earlier.

Not a good idea when flying something that's quite prone to explode without any external intervention anyway.

Manchester cops recover from Conficker

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FAIL

Costing who?

".....costing taxpayers £1.5m in lost parking ticket revenue....."

I see. Exactly who were they planning to collect this 1.5m from?

iPad forces operators to shave their SIMs

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WTF?

Yeah, I thought that looked suspicious.

All that extra functionality just from cutting the plastic edges off? Thanks for the explanation, the world got rather surreal there for a moment and I was wondering which things that I own would benefit from having a fews bits filed off.

The answer's got to be, as others have suggested, to prevent data plan "sharing" between devices. I can't think of any other reason why a larger device would need a smaller SIM apart from sheer bloody-mindedness on the part of its makers.

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Alert

Good idea!

But I'm sure I recall reading elsewhere that the i<pending legal action> is sold unlocked anyway?

Intel mobile graphics in 3x boost

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FAIL

Intel mobile graphics.

So now you can turn the performance all the way up to "abysmal"?

That'll be nice.

Alreet, Apple!

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Coffee/keyboard

<RESPRAY>

"Centre manager Tim Lamb" owes me a new bloody keyboard. Big time.

Reminds me of that outtake with some councillor promoting tourism in Scarborough doing a piece to camera at the castle with a background view along the front over the beach below. Something like this: "Look at that. Sun, sea, sand, everything you could want. Why would anyone want to go to the Costa del Sol when they could come here?..............and if you believe that load of bollocks, you'll believe anything.............is that still on?"

NotW reporter accused of hacking over 100 mobiles

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Grenade

Editor not involved?

Hmm, can anyone think of any other Tabloid editors who've got away with a crime scot free which a couple of his foot soldiers have gone down for?

Think pump 'n dump stock scams if it helps.

Manchester cops clobbered by Conficker

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Too true.

However, you have to admit that anyone daft enough to run a year behind on Critical patches is going to get pwned eventually, regardless of the O/S they run (unless you're relying on "security through obscurity" here - a self-defeating argument).

Steve Jobs dubs Google's 'don't be evil' motto 'bulls**t'

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Other news.

I see that someone's seen Steve's rant and come up with the perfect response:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=debO2FroXA0

Yup, concept design for a ChromeOS tablet. That must be a "three spacer" in the Jag parking scheme of things.

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Joke

A load of crap.

Well obviously he's going to go for a non-specific type of shit here.

If he let slip exactly which sort of shit he was talking about, Google might move into it first.

Britain warns businesses of Chinese 'honey trap'

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Joke

Hmm.

"Honey trap" and "lavish hospitality and flattery".

Right then. I'm just going to get a T-Shirt printed with "I am an important western executive" on it* and then I'm off to a Chinese trade show.

*Working on the assumption that the reason they reckon we can't tell the difference between the real thing and a cheap knock-off is that they can't.

The Loch Ness Stig gets pixellated

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Grenade

Fundamental problem there.

You are assuming that The Stig is not actually Chuck Norris.

Actually that would explain a lot now, wouldn't it?

Amazon deletes a 6th of its catalogue in book price barney

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Grenade

I feel so sorry for Amazon.

".....the new deal would allow Amazon to make more from Macmillan titles than in the past."

I do hope that the nice, fat profit increase they're getting here has gone some way towards alleviating the terrible pain and anguish they must feel from having to offer these publications to us at prices that they feel are too high.

Woman sues rail line for 'exploding' toilet

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Rock Island Line.

I wonder if their defence in court will be:

"If you want to ride you gotta ride it like you find it"

The laws of Artistic License demand it.....

Hong Kong Taoist masters still hard at it

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Stop

No, no, no.

Conning people out of all their money via dubious religious promises using an *existing* religion as a front is always going to land you in trouble. You're muscling in on someone else's established racket.

The way to do this correctly is to invent a *new* religion. Something with Space Aliens in it* seems to go down well as a purse-loosener with the faithful.

*Any resemblance to any existing Cults^H^H^H^H^HReligions here is purely intentional.

British poshos outdrink chavs

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Pint

It gets better!

So booze doesn't only make you a witty conversational genius with superpowers who's magnetically attractive to women, it also makes you successful too?

I'll have to do something positive about my career prospects later.

EU damns scanners, Facebook, MySpace and Phorm

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WTF?

Must be Friday.

How can someone with "Information Society and Media" in their job title say so many things that are so mind-numbingly sensible? Must be a terrible mistake and I'm sure there'll be a clarification later.

'...ensure that: "our EU legislation and international agreements are based on evidence rather than on emotional responses to the latest scare."....'. Yeah, right. Good luck with that.

French mock British G-spot probe

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Joke

OI!

Back of the bloody line sunshine!

Silicone implants that generate 'leccy invented for US spooks

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Joke

Re: Blimey!

I see a highly profitable trade smuggling illegal "AAA"s and coin cells into Australia in the making.

Ubuntu Firefox shuns Google for Yahoo! search

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Coat

Thank you.

I always wondered who it was.

Happy Data Protection Day

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FAIL

*We* didn't know?

Never mind that, the bloody government obviously doesn't know.

Where's the unctuous PR from the Home Office celebrating Data Protection Day and taking the oppportunity to remind us of the sterling work they're doing with ID cards to "protect our data"?

Lazy, good for nothing bastards ruining a perfectly good slagging off opportunity round here....