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* Posts by Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

1578 posts • joined 28 Sep 2007

EE, Virgin Media hit with £13.3m fine: Squeezing users for fees for early contract termination not OK

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Gaucho rides again...

Gaucho Rasmussen. It's a great name. I'm minded to think of him riding on a dusty old mule into Ofcom wearing a poncho, a bandolier, and a sombrero; gnawing on a cheroot whilst grimly scanning a copy of Kierkegaard.

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'Unjustifiably excessive': Not even London cops can follow law with their rubbish gang database

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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What I read in my mind was...

The Ms-Access Gangs Violence Matrix was set up on some no-name PCs desktop by the Metropolitan Police in 2012, and was deliberately kept off of the radar for obvious reasons.

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Oz lad 'fell in love with' baby meerkat, nicked it from zoo, took it out for a romantic Big Mac

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re : Weebl

It's not as good as the "Only in Kenya" one. Once that gets into my head I can't get rid of it.

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iPhone XS: Just another £300 for a better cam- Wait, come back!

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Famously???

"Famously, the XS and XS Max (be sure to call them "Ten S" or an Apple representative will sidle up and correct you) share the same A12 Bionic chip as the XR."

What's famous about that? I'm not normally one to pick up on such grammatical superlativisms - but it seems a bit of a stretch to say anything of the sort. Fish and chips are famous. The Saturn V rocket boosters are famous too; as is the Titanic, and Alexander the Great. There is nothing famous about the iPhone whatsoever as far as I can tell.

That said, if Apple had wanted it to be called a "Ten S" then they should have called it a "Ten S". As is stands, it is an 'X' as in the 24th letter of the alphabet, an 8 point tile in Scrabble, or "10" written as a Roman numeral. And yes, I'll happily correct any Apple representatives that dare challenge me on it lol!!!

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Oracle's JEDI mind-meld doesn't work on Uncle Sam's auditors: These are not the govt droids you are looking for

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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So I unfortunately still have a lot of dealings with Oracle...

So I've been reading humorous IT stuff and nonsense from the bilges of the good ship El Reg for a good few years now, but this statement must be up there as one the funniest and deluded things I've had the pleasure of snorting a mouthful of tea all over my keyboard over...

"We are convinced that if given the opportunity to compete, DoD would choose Oracle Cloud Infrastructure for a very substantial portion of its workloads because OCI delivers the best, most performant and most secure product available at the best price."

So... dear Oracle, you may be deludedly convinced. But no-one else is. You barely have the in house skills to manage, train and consult on your own products - so only Herodotus knows why anyone would trust you with a contract of this size. Which BTW includes a load of non-cloud related stuff that you simply don't have a track record in doing.

IBM will get it. That's my $0.10 worth. HP at a distant second. None of the others will be trusted by Donald Gump and his cronies as they are foreign owned, and therefore very scary.

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Cheeky cheesemaker fails to copyright how things taste

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Cheese joke...

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone.

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Dawn of the dead: NASA space probe runs out of gas in asteroid belt after 6.4 billion-mile trip

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Then what??

VGER.

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If you have inner peace, it's probably 'cos your broadband works: Zen Internet least whinged-about Brit ISP – survey

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Virgin Media.

I really tech and networks savvy, but am really fed up. If anyone has any ideas whom I replace them with in the South Hampshire area... maybe I'll have a look at Zen.

They are utterly useless. I've had no broadband connectivity since 21:15 on Monday evening. The VM online status page still says that there are no issues, and this was reflected by the utterly incompetent call centre bod who didn't seem to have a clue (or even seem to care) either.

I've checked everything my end and it's all ok. So over to you VM...

And... all of this within the context of yet another mid contract cost increase.

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IBM struggles to sign up shipping carriers to blockchain supply chain platform – reports

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Control...

“This is the weakness we're currently seeing in many of these initiatives, as each individual project claims to offer an industry platform that they themselves control. This is self-contradictory.”

And then added "but I just wish we'd got there first so we could stick it to Maersk..."

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Woman who hooked up with over 15 spectres has found her forever phantom after whirlwind romance and plane sex

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Maybe...

Maybe she does believe herself. Maybe she's just another in a long long procession of attention whores.

Or, my own personal opinion... perhaps she's just a fucking idiot.

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BT's new chief exec Philip Jansen to trouser £3.9m+ from telco

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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It'll be interesting...

It'll be interesting to see what his strategy will be, and whether he'll have the balls to rip out the obscene level of stale upper and middle management that still thinks that its a 1970's monopoly; and redeploy whatever level of capital funds remain to the front line where it is needed.

And by front line, I do mean to include operational workers such as network engineers, installation staff, ditch diggers and call centre / Ops support staff etc, as well as backoffice employees such as architects, analysts and programmers etc. I.e. the people that actually do the work.

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UK data watchdog fines Facebook 17 minutes of net profit for Cambridge Analytica brouhaha

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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500k!!!

Woohoo!!! Yeah, that'll stop them...

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It only took Oz govt transformation bods 6 months and $700k to report that blockchain ain't worth the effort

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Oh no....

But what about all of the snake oil salesmen? Won't anyone think of them and their gravy train...

Seriously though, I'd pretty much reached the same conclusion on Blockchain.

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I ship you knot: 2,400-year-old Greek trading vessel found intact at bottom of Black Sea

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Wood floats...

Or small stones.

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Dive limits...

In the video, those divers can't be diving on the actual wreck in question. I don't have sound, so not sure if it is of a similar wreck but in much shallower water?

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Timely...

I've just picked up Assassins Creed Odyssey as my winter entertainment now that the nights are drawing in, so have my head tilted towards ancient Greece at the moment.

Personally, as a diver and a sailor I can't wait to see more about this.

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Morrisons supermarket: We're taking payroll leak liability fight to UK Supreme Court

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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So whilst every other company...

So whilst every other company would either take it on the chin, and/or continue to invest in DLP initiatives and services, Morrisons only concern is about it's image??

I'm glad I stopped shopping there years ago. Although they do have a fab bakery in the store in Horndean.

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Memo to Microsoft: Windows 10 is broken, and the fixes can't wait

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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This is not news...

Oracle and SAP have been doing this for years.

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Erm... what did you say again, dear reader?

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Erm...

I always just thought it was just the verbalisation of a short pause in thought. In the same way that "bang" is just the verbalisation of a sound. Nothing to get hot under the collar about.

Language evolves. Get used to it.

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Brace yourself, Britain: Health minister shares 'vision' for NHS 'tech revolution'

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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@ "it might succeed..."

Or more importantly, get the stakeholders to buy in to the programme changes, and get those stakeholders to make the end user groups, consultants, and little old ladies manning receptions in surgeries all over the land less resistant to those changes also simply because they don't understand modern IT and prefer to work work with and abacus... "because that's what we've always done".

With actual first hand experience of the last debacle I can confirm that that was a key lesson that needed to be learnt by the NHS. I doubt it has been.

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UK defence secretary ponders £50m hit to terminate Capita recruiting contract

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Whilst I'm no lover of Capita...

"a success rate of 7.5 per cent is nothing for Capita and its IT systems to cheer about."

Possibly. But depending on the acceptable candidate qualifications set out by the Army, this also be seen as the first time ever that Capita have actually delivered to requirements?

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave me tea... pigs-in-blankets-flavoured tea

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Tea "not this poncey green stuff."

You do realise that that "poncy green stuff" is exactly the same as the "non poncy black stuff" right?? (I'll make the assumption that that is how you pigeonhole things).

The only difference is that the leaves are not withered or steamed prior to being air dried, sliced and diced and then packed etc. The only reason it is called "black tea" is because the leaves are withered i.e. blackened prior to packing.

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Christmas is essentially Page 71 of the Brand New Monty Python Bok

The moneywankers at Tescos have had an Xmas aisle in their superstore in Portsmouth since early September.

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Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Christmas...

Christmas. I don't like Christmas. I do enjoy the time off though and thank the Pagans for the nice midwinter holiday. Anything that can be done to parody the Christians at their most hallowed time of year should be done - and hats off to Greggs for the laughs.

Anyway, I love Pigs in Blankets - but draw the line at the Xmas tree flavoured crisps on sale at Iceland (Bejams to the over 40's contingent).

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Screwed SAP salesman scores $660,000 jury award

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Welcome to the world of software sales!

As a senior level freelance SAP/ERP TPM I agree with your view. Most enterprise level software/hardware salesmen that I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with or have had to work alongside have been overfriendly slimy asswipes.

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Contractors slam UK taxman's 'aggressive' IR35 tax reforms

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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What you would hope for...

What you would hope to happen is that someone at HMRC now wakes up after realizing that they have now lost two key (and highly visible) court cases in a row; and actually starts to think pragmatically about the pointlessness of IR35 and its complete failure to achieve any of what it set out to do all those many years ago.

But the chances of that happening are zero because that's not the way civil servants think. If they do indeed think at all...

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Vodafone and EE ship Apple's Watch 4, but not without LTE teething issues

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Nice piece of advertising.

"And haggling will help even more, especially at renewal time."

Or cheaper still... just not bothering with it?

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Spent your week box-ticking? It can't be as bad as the folk at this firm

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Consulting...

Consulting... if you are not part of the solution, there is good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

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Remember when Apple's FaceTime stopped working years ago? Yeah, that was deliberate

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Really?

Ahem... I also have a PhD and I'm totally cool with the sobriquet as given by the author, and as it is widely used amongst other journos on board the good ship El Reg.

In fact, it's these cutting little sarcasms that in my opinion make the site all the more fun to read.

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Apple hands €14.3bn in back taxes to reluctant Ireland

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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With that sort of cash...

You could buy yourself a nice Ireland somewhere; or a government, as Apple seemed to have thought they had done.

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Top Euro court: UK's former snooping regime breached human rights

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Pint

Well done everyone involved...

To everyone involved in bringing this case... if you happen to read this - you have my thanks for keeping the pressure up on this. You do all of us that value our rights and liberties a great service.

Have a beer for your troubles. Even if that seems a little light as a reward.

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Do not adjust your set, er, browser: This is our new page-one design

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Go

I come for the substance...

I come for the substance, not the style. Yes it has changed, but not that much so can't see what the fuss is all about. I think we're all rugged and jaded enough readers to not let this sort of thing affect us too much.

If I was part of some overly emotional and affectatious hipster group that believes that these sort of changes are "important" then I might be crying into my latte.

But I'm not. So I'm not.

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Brit armed forces still don't have enough techies, thunder MPs

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Dear Military...

You can have my technical and organisational skills in return for teaching me how to fly an Apache helicopter, on your time, and at my contract day rate.

I can't commit to taking any orders from anyone though, or indeed to turn up when you want to go shoot unarmed brown people at the behest of the US.

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Sextortion scum armed with leaked credentials are persistent pests

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Black Mirror

"Sextortion as a term initially referred to a sleazy cybercrime where perverts planted trojans on the PCs of young victims. Youngsters' PCs are often in their bedrooms and the malware was used to surreptitiously turn on webcams and record footage or pictures of victims."

There is a very good episode of Black Mirror that is pertinent to this.

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Silicon Valley CEO admits $1.5m wire fraud: Bouxtie boss forged signatures to investors

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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The idea is everything*

* Please refer to Enron for further details.

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Lawyers sued for impersonating rival firm online to steal clients

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Not quite sure, but I get the impression that law firm A is going to make law firm B an offer they can't (and probably shouldn't) ignore.

Concrete slippers and all that...

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Chap asks Facebook for data on his web activity, Facebook says no, now watchdog's on the case

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Thumb Up

Re: 'Facebook: Information in Hive not readily accessible'

Good movie that one.

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Southport: Come for a round of golf, stay for the flesh-eating STIs

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re : Indiana Jones...

"The rarity of the disease in most countries means long odds that a doctor could identify and begin treatment of the condition before your todger starts acting like it just saw the Ark of the Covenant..."

But surely only if the aforementioned Ark has had the lid lifted, and only if you decide look directly at the pretty lights... and, as an aside, I guess similar to choosing the correct holy grail, you should always be choosing your sexual partners... "wisely"?

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If it doesn't need to be connected, don't: Nurse prescribes meds for sickly hospital infosec

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Manufacturer : "But it needs to be connected to the internet so it can be patched and upgraded".

Client : "But it works fine as it is; and if it isn't connected to the internet or internal network then it doesn't need further updates. Honestly, it does exactly what we want it to do right now."

Manufacturer : "Yeah but... ummm, errrr, what about our support revenues..."

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London's Gatwick Airport flies back to the future as screens fail

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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It might all be in the cloud...

But it still needs physical cables!!!

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Hey, don't route the messenger! Telegram redirected through Iran by baffling BGP leak

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Backronym alert

Moto 68000 : SHARQ (shift arithmetic right quick).

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Think tank calls for post-Brexit national ID cards: The kids have phones so what's the difference?

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: "And extremely sad you're happy to carry a ID card 24x7 "

But what you are describing there is no different to what I can do with EITHER my driving license or passport. I can fly from any UK airport to any other airport in the UK using my drivers license. Your post still makes no great argument for ID cards.

In fact I motorcycled around parts of France, Belgium, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Lichtenstein and Germany earlier in the year and the only time I needed to show any form of ID (other than the Channel tunnel) was when I passed into Italy via the Grand St. Bernard tunnel - and even then they guy in blue with the big gun was happy with my UK drivers license and the requisite toll.

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Capita still squats on top of the UK's software and IT services heap

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: The Institution?

"there can be nobody who deals with them who is not aware of this fact so why are they being hired?"

It's a very good point, and one that needs answering. I can only imagine it's due to either laziness or baksheesh, or... because by the time these Government initiatives come to the actual procurement and tendering process they are already massively behind the timescales as stated in any party manifesto, annual budget or such like - so it's easier and quicker for Mr. Civil Servant to select them as a known quantity (albeit a shit one) rather than anyone else; because anyone else new would have probably been throttled by all of the procurement red tape and bureaucracy by that point.

I'd also imagine that despite what the ITT Procurement rules actually say, Capita probably have a distinct advantage in preparing tender responses and access to key Government persons that they have leveraged from other engagements.

I'm probably wrong though.

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UK 'fake news' inquiry calls for end to tech middleman excuses, election law overhaul

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Yup.

Agree. I still don't get why businesses such as Facebook and Google can be deemed exempt from responsibility as to what content gets posted on it and YouTube etc. Same thing for eBay and such like.

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Sysadmin trained his offshore replacements, sat back, watched ex-employer's world burn

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Schadenfreude indeed...

Had overall Ops, Management, Environments, Release and BAU support outsourced from my SAP team to an offshore "partner". We were told to let them drive the scope and agenda for the required KT sessions as they were supposedly the experts. It didn't go well - and by that point we'd lost interest in helping fill in the gaps in even their basic knowledge.

For example, I mean... who knew that failure to do proper analysis and performance testing of changes to internal and external overnight batch could wreak such havoc at an enterprise level ;-)

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Rights group launches legal challenge over London cops' use of facial recognition tech

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Indeed...

"There were also concerns that it would dissuade people from peaceful protests"

And I believe that for someone, somewhere, in the shadowy recesses of London or UK Gov, that is this the exact reason why they want this tech implemented.

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Brit spending watchdog brands GP Primary Support Care a 'complete mess'

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Hmmm...

Yes, it's that bizarre spreadsheet bean-counter accounting logic that is totally detached from day to day reality that states that we're going to spend £700m over 7 years, to save £31m or so per year - over 20-25 years. When in reality that business case is flawed from the outset because it doesn't take into account any form of external factors such as... reality.

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What if tech moguls brewed real ale?

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Something to do with Bitcoins or other cryptocurrency...

Where you lose your memories rather than your bitcoins in a remote exchange heist.

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Why Google won't break a sweat about EU ruling

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Re: Look at all those wonderful alternatives insight.....Oh wait

It's not the only thing you can buy, but the alternative puts you between a rock and a hard place.

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Boss helped sysadmin take down horrible client with swift kick to the nether regions

Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
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Best of luck Simon.

Thanks for both the laughs this column has provided. Best of luck in your new endeavours.

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