back to article Dine crime: Chippy sells deep fried Xmas dinner

Nothing says festive fun like a Chrimbo dinner encased in lovely crispy batter, and as luck would have it, a chippy north of the border is serving up such a wonder to its clientele. Dunkeld Fish Bar in Perthshire is keeping things classy: for just £10, it is selling deep fried turkey goujons, battered devil’s testes Brussel …

  1. Alister

    There are those who quite rightly hate them, and those whose tastebuds checked out years ago.

    Lol, no editorial bias on show here... :)

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Under no circumstances whatsoever should one consume sprouts as a nursing mother. The resulting nappies from your offspring are beyond explanation.

      1. Alister

        From my recollections of changing my kids' nappies, they needed no encouragement or specific dietary additions to produce a contents which warranted full HAZMAT protocols to be enacted, and a 20 mile exclusion zone.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          kids' nappies, they needed no encouragement or specific dietary additions to produce a contents which warranted full HAZMAT protocols

          Never having had (or wanted) kids I can't confirm - however, in the cat world, the equivalent is your moggie eating either shrews or house martins.

          Both a *violent* emetics. I've never seen a cat projectile-vomit and have the violent runs at the same time before..

          He competely ignored birds from that moment on.

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Obligatory video from Bottom. Though you really need to watch the Christmas episode to know where they come from.

      That said, I thought the biggest problem with sprouts was a general tendency to brassica intolerance compounded by the infrequency: some people only eat them over Christmas. Don't know what they're missing!

      1. vir

        Raffinose. A trisaccharide produced by beans, broccoli, brussels sprouts, etc. Humans don't make the enzyme needed to digest it so it all goes through to your intestines where bacteria have a field day. Kind of like lactose intolerance but everyone has it. You can buy the enzyme supplement needed to digest it (Beano); it works pretty well.

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          @vir

          In other words, humans were never intended to eat sprouts!

          1. MiguelC Silver badge

            Re: humans were never intended to eat sprouts!

            nor beans, but don't even try taking those away... I'm serious now!... back off!

      2. Teiwaz

        Reply Icon

        Obligatory video from Bottom. Though you really need to watch the Christmas episode to know where they come from.

        That said, I thought the biggest problem with sprouts was a general tendency to brassica intolerance compounded by the infrequency: some people only eat them over Christmas. Don't know what they're missing!

        Don't have the sprouts!

        1. Toni the terrible Bronze badge
          Devil

          Sprouts Forever!

          I even eat canned sprouts, almost able to be called Mushy Sprouts. Love that sulphury flavor!

    3. Bluto Nash

      That was a finely turned phrase, there. Don't taint it.

      Regardless of the fact that Brussels Sprouts TASTE like one might imagine taint to taste like...

  2. BeerTokens

    festive fried food

    Our local chippy is doing deep fried pigs in blankets. Sourced from the local farm shop. Very nice indeed.

    1. Chris King

      Re: festive fried food

      One of my local chippies also does the pigs-in-blankets and deep fried mince pies, plus deep-fried Christmas cake and Walnut Whips.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: festive fried food

        Not exactly festive but, come the appropriate season (Easter, I do believe), a local chippy does deep-fried Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Never had the nerve to try one. Also heard of deep-fried Mars bars. Again, I find the idea of actually consuming one quite easy to resist. Call me unadventurous, possums, but I quite value my digestive system and I'd rather it stayed intact.

    2. Rich 11

      Re: festive fried food

      Exactly how long does it take to deep fry a 300lb hog wrapped in a duvet? Does anyone actually have a fryer that large?

      1. Danny 14

        Re: festive fried food

        scottish chippies with fry ANYTHING. Plus you pnly need to go a little over the borders and almost the same happens. A chippy in carlisle deep fry pies. ye gods.

    3. Bluto Nash

      Re: festive fried food

      I'll take a gross. Do they ship internationally?

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: festive fried food

        I'll take a gross. Do they ship internationally?

        Gross being the operative word. And no, they won't ship because international laws on shipping toxic substances prohibit.

    4. wyatt

      Re: festive fried food

      I may have to take some bacon down and see what they say!

    5. Pedigree-Pete
      Thumb Up

      Re: festive fried food

      @ BeerToken and Chris King. Pray tell, where?? I'm guessing Scotland. :) PP

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    battered?

    No thanks, I'll just have my Brussels sprouts boiled for 9 minutes, butter, S&P...

    1. Pen-y-gors

      Re: battered?

      steamed...

      and lots of them!

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: battered?

      Boiled for 9 minutes? You're not doing it right. My Nan used to put them on a low gas before she went to church on a Sunday morning, with the meat and tatties in the oven on a low-ish heat - so the family could come home to a dry piece of meat, soggy roast potatoes and weird green explodey things. When Nan served sprouts, you just touched them with your fork and they sort of slid/exploded apart into individual green slimey leafy things which used to float on top of the gravy.

      Ah nostalgia, boiled ham, boiled tatties, gravy so thick you could plaster a wall with it and self-destructing sprouts. Then to add to the horror, tea involved crab paste sandwiches. Well it was the 1970s... And then there were Mr Kipling French Fancies, Cherry Bakewells and Jaffa cakes to follow. Vitamins? Missing in action.

      Despite all that I actually now like a sprout or two. Steamed and not over-done. Even better with bacon and chestnuts.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: battered?

        Don't know where the nine minutes comes from. If you like 'em crunchy and actually tasting as they should, five or six of the beasts (depending on size) done in a microwave (covered, vented dish) in a tiny amount of water for around three to four minutes is OK by me and I'm now a convert. Quite like 'em now!

      2. Ozumo

        Re: battered?

        NINE MINUTES?

        My gran used to start boiling the Christmas sprouts when the clocks went back...

      3. Stevie

        Re: battered?

        Well done IAS. Laughed so hard I started making Mutley noises and crying.

        On my morning train.

        Your work is done.

        1. Stevie

          Re: battered?

          Just tried to read tha IAS comment to my wife. Couldn't make it past the third sentence and pulled a muscle in my chest I was laughing so hard.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: battered?

      9 minutes? I find that a bit on the short side? Are you using fresh or frozen – nothing wrong with frozen veg, but cooking times need adjusting.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: battered?

      Boil for 9 minutes? No, no and no.

      First take some bacon lardons and cook them over a moderate heat in a sauté pan until you have rendered most of the fat off them. Put the lardons to one side and stir-fry the sprouts in the bacon fat for 5 minutes or so. Then add a splash of water, cover the pan and let the sprouts steam gently for a few minutes. Finally, turn the heat back up, return the lardons to the pan and stir gently a few times, making sure any remaining water has evaporated. For a really festive touch, mix in a few sliced marrons glacés before serving.

      1. Daedalus

        Re: battered?

        When I were a lad I ate 'em fresh off t'stalk.

        1. Pen-y-gors

          Re: battered?

          Our village shop is selling complete stalks of them. I believe they keep for ages if you leave them in a cool place on the stalk.

        2. Toni the terrible Bronze badge
          Joke

          Re: battered?

          Fresh off a stalk?, you were in the lap of luxury.... etc etc

      2. Teiwaz

        Re: battered?

        First take some bacon lardons and cook them over a moderate heat in a sauté pan until you have rendered most of the fat off them. Put the lardons to one side and stir-fry the sprouts in the bacon fat for 5 minutes or so.

        My advice is much that, except with less detail and timings,

        parboil the sprouts then halve and fry with chopped bacon and chopped onion and mushroom, bit od a stir fry style side dish. Also works with cabbage.

      3. DJSpuddyLizard

        Re: battered?

        Finally, turn the heat back up, return the lardons to the pan and stir gently a few times, making sure any remaining water has evaporated. For a really festive touch, mix in a few sliced marrons glacés before serving.

        You missed the step where you remove the sprouts before serving.

    5. Trash

      Re: battered?

      Sounds nice, except the S&P part: I prefer nutmeg instead...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: battered?

        My sprouts go in a 1 litre microwaveable container with a loose lid. Layer of sprouts topped off with broccoli florets. Microwave 800w full power for 3 minutes - shake halfway through to avoid hotspot burns. No added water - they steam in their own juices.

        Drain liquid away before serving. Serves one - as my food regime has lots of vegetables/salad but only a small amount of potato.

        1. Danny 14

          Re: battered?

          my mum cooks everything in a pressure cooker. the sprouts are in for about 30 mins with carrots and potatoes. I have no idea what holds them together, probably just polar bonds in the water.

        2. wyatt

          Re: battered?

          You're doing it all wrong, the lid should be as tight as you can get it.. keeps the moisture in..

    6. Robert Helpmann??
      Joke

      Re: battered?

      Directions for Brussels Sprouts en Absence

      Clean, trim and slice thin.

      Batter and deep fry until golden brown color is achieved.

      Place on paper plate to drain.

      Move to serving tray and squirt decorative patterns on sprouts with Sriracha sauce.

      Place on dinner plate and allow to rest for a few minutes.

      Move back to paper plate for eventual forced consumption by neighbor's cat that keeps going in your flower bed.

      Eat dinner plate, thinking how much worse it almost was.

      I didn't enjoy Brussels sprouts until I left home and realize that my mother's idea of how any vegetable should be cooked involved boiling it well past its demise. Finding alternatives was quite nice.

    7. The_H

      Re: battered?

      Never steamed.

      Halve your sprouts, put in an oiled baking dish little-bald-headed-man side up. Sprinkle pancetta over, drizzle with pure maple syrup, a bit of balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and bake gently until caramelized.

      Absolutely awesome, and I've won over a lot of sprout haters (including my *very* fussy daughters) with these.

      Merry, Jolly etc.

    8. Pedigree-Pete
      Facepalm

      Re: battered?

      @ Chivo243, ALWAYS ADD BACON..even Sprouts are palatable if you add BACON. :)PP

  4. Pen-y-gors

    Xmas dinner?

    That's not xmas dinner! Where's the cranberry sauce, stuffing, bread sauce, bacon, prunes and roasties? I suppose chips can replace the roasties, but they're not the same. I suggest a proper, complete traditional full christmas dinner, with everything, wrapped into a filo pastry parcel, and then battered and fried.

    1. Aladdin Sane

      Re: Xmas dinner?

      Cranberry sauce is shit.

      Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. Nicholas Nada
          Thumb Up

          Re: Xmas dinner?

          "...cranberry-juice-treatment-does-it-work-no-its-a-myth..."

          I love a URL with so much info that I don't need to read the article.

      2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Xmas dinner?

        Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome.

        You mean clove-flavoured cement? You're on your own with that stuff. Good gravy, good strong mustard and hot horseradish are all the condiments you ever need.

        1. Pen-y-gors

          Re: Xmas dinner?

          @Charlie Clark

          Good gravy, good strong mustard and hot horseradish are all the condiments you ever need.

          Possibly true if all you ever eat is roast beef. But with poultry? Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

          But of course, a mild horseradish for dipping chips a la Belge...

          1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

            Re: Xmas dinner?

            Possibly true if all you ever eat is roast beef. But with poultry? Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

            The rule is: if you can have cabbage with it, you can have mustard with it (the same family after all), but you don't have to. Just make sure it's the good stuff: purveyors of any of the "mild" stuff should join the marketing department of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation when the revolution comes!

          2. Teiwaz

            Re: Xmas dinner?

            Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

            As longs as it's not that convenience 'beef' based bisto.....yeurgghhh! it's like coffee and marmite on your spuds.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Insist on "Baby Spit"(TM) Bread Sauce

        "Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome."

        Bread sauce is what you'd get if you gave an infant some bread and milk that it chewed on for a while then spat out once it realised you'd added the horrible taste of cloves to it.

        1. Danny 14

          Re: Insist on "Baby Spit"(TM) Bread Sauce

          mustard and beef gravy go fine on chicken, lamb, beef or ham.

      4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Xmas dinner?

        Cranberry sauce is shit.

        Amen brother.

        With the added bonus of being one of the things that puts my arthritis into overdrive. Yet another reason to dislike the Christmas season where *everything* seems to have cranberry added to it.

    2. Kernel

      Re: Xmas dinner?

      "That's not xmas dinner! Where's the cranberry sauce, stuffing, bread sauce, bacon, prunes and roasties? "

      That's not Xmas dinner either - green salad, cold potato salad, cold ham, maybe a BBQ'd sausage or steak for those who want something hot, cold beers under the shade of a nice tree in the back yard - that's Xmas dinner.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Thumb Up

        Re: Xmas dinner?

        .This. A proper California Christmas. May have to get a bit wet BBQ'ing in the odd holiday rain.

      2. Pedigree-Pete
        Joke

        @Kernal, under the shade of a nice tree.....

        You're not from around these parts (.co.uk). Around Christmas here, there are no shady trees. Firstly, if there are any trees, they are horizontal, secondly, there's no sun to cast a shade so you'd luck out up here.

        Merry Christmas. :)PP

    3. Teiwaz

      Re: Xmas dinner?

      roasties???

      Me old mums used to give me headache as a kid - I preferred croquettes.

  5. fords42

    My very first thought upon reading the headline was "Where in Scotland is this chippy?" I was not disappointed.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Someone should check what Elite Fish & Chips in Sleaford is offering this year.

    I no longer live in the area but their battered mince pies make leaving the area the best idea I ever had.

    1. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

      @AC Sleaford? Now, I used to live near there (well, in the village of Leasingham) and I was having a bit of a nostalge and having a virtual mooch courtesy of Google Street View. I noticed the car showroom that used to have a toyshop above it was gone, then I realised I couldn't recall the name of the place,... it was opposite the now defunct Cinema, near the rail crossing. Last seen by me in '77.

      1. Rich 11

        it was opposite the now defunct Cinema, near the rail crossing.

        I don't remember the cinema or the toy shop, but there was indeed a chippy right by the train station. It was the standard place to stop off after a hectic day in Lincoln, halfway home to Boston. Maybe it closed due to lack of business after the bypass opened.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Someone should check what Elite Fish & Chips in Sleaford is offering this year.

      I no longer live in the area but their battered mince pies make leaving the area the best idea I ever had."

      I believe my grandfather was sent there after WW1 to organise work on one of the signal boxes. It nearly drove him mad, and it took him nearly three years before he got back to civilisation. After several years working on railways in France, often under shelling, Lincolnshire was apparently worse.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        To be clear, Sleaford is bad by Lincolnshire standards. It's a small settlement beside a crossroads (now a roundabout) that joins two roads which provide easy access to a handful of military establishments. That's essentially its purpose. It also contains the world's smallest permanent gridlock.

        If you do find yourself having to work in Sleaford for any length of time, take your car and stay in Lincoln. Miles better. Though some of the programming jobs at the local bases can be quite cushy if you get the right one. Just don't live in Sleaford.

        As for the chippy by the station, if it had a green theme then that's the one I mean.

    3. Teiwaz

      I no longer live in the area but their battered mince pies make leaving the area the best idea I ever had.

      Just not eating them is always an option at a pinch.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Just not eating them is always an option at a pinch.

        You are right, I overstated. There are far better reasons not to live in Sleaford.

  7. Semtex451
    Joke

    Could you just confirm that when you say

    "The proceeds from the dinner sinner are to be distributed to Dunkeld community."

    that you are in fact referring to what your left with, after costs, and not after digestion?

  8. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    My friend* came over for a spot of dinner on Saturday. And brought a packet of Walkers sprout flavoured crisps. I actually like sprouts - but those things are the devil's work! They taste of over-cooked or off sprouts, not nice ones. Ugh!

    *Friendship status now under urgent review.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Their endless tedious gimmick flavours are annoying to start off with, but even without that Walkers' crisps are the antichrist. What would you expect from the people who defy the Lord's way by putting cheese and onion crisps in dark blue bags and salt and vinegar in green?

      The First Three Commandments:-

      Ready Salted = Red or Medium/Dark Blue

      Salt and Vinegar = Lighter or Sky Blue/Cyan

      Cheese and Onion = Green

      Even Smith's crisps, which was once on the side of light (then mostly killed off in the UK when Pepsico took them over and deprecated them in favour of the Walkers' brand) has now been contaminated due to being under the same ownership. See this Australian abomination for salt and vinegar crisps wearing the bright pink livery of prawn cocktail. WTF?!

      Crisp flavours in the wrong-coloured bags, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria...!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Crisp flavours in the wrong-coloured bags, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria...!

        Bring back flogging, I say!

        What's wrong with plain crisps and a bag of salt to shake over them, hey? Hey?

        You young whipper-snappers, you don't know you're born!

        This post brought to you by the Yorkshire Tourist Board

        1. Pen-y-gors

          @AC

          What's wrong with plain crisps and a bag of salt to shake over them, hey? Hey?

          A bag of salt? A BAG of salt? I think you mean a pinch of salt wrapped in a twist of blue paper.

          Pah....youngsters....

          1. gotes

            Salt? We were lucky to get a wrap of sand to season our crisps with.

            1. Aladdin Sane

              Sand? When I were a lad, we had to get grit from t'road.

              1. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

                You had a road!

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            " I think you mean a pinch of salt wrapped in a twist of blue paper."

            Someone once complained that their bag of crisps contained a lot of blue twists of salt - and no crisps. A bit like the baked bean can full of the tomato sauce and only one bean.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          @AC; When I was a kid in the 80s I used to like Smith's Salt 'n' Shake because the blue bag was something of a novelty.

          I didn't realise back then- until my parents told me- that this was actually the *old-fashioned* way of doing it, and in fact ready salted crisps were the modern version.

          I also vaguely recall they sold crisps with the flavouring in a separate bag at one stage. Nice idea, but IIRC it didn't work very well. (Hard to get them evenly-covered, and from what I've heard since, flavouring goes on much better if you do it when they're still hot, i.e. during manufacturing. I suspect this applies to salting as well.)

      2. DuchessofDukeStreet

        Walkers' crisps are the antichrist

        Beyond the pale! Walkers crisps are the pinnacle of crisp-ness - it's every other pale imitation that has their crisps in the wrong coloured packets.

        And *of course* it's Scotland, I'm just impressed that it's the leafy more salubrious part near Perth.

    2. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

      New Flours for Crisps

      You should try the Pig in Blanket flavoured crisps, (shudder), they are .... interesting

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nutters, someone give them their "freedom" please.

  10. ukgnome

    The chippy on Norwich Market sells battered sprouts - apparently it's an improvement.

  11. Andy the ex-Brit

    Bacon makes everything better

    I grew up loathing Brussels sprouts. I was forced to eat one every time they were served. I didn't plan on eating them as an adult.

    Then I discovered that they can be cooked in bacon. This is a game changer. Now I am the guy who makes them, and they go over pretty well.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: Bacon makes everything better

      My Dad is in Emerill Legasse's league and one thing he taught me is that any sort of greens cooked with bacon is doing the Lord's work.

    2. Ima Ballsy
      Holmes

      Re: Bacon makes everything better

      Hell, you can cook Styrofoam in Bacon and it tastes good !!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bacon makes everything better

        "Hell, you can cook Styrofoam in Bacon and it tastes good !!!"

        Home from the office at 01:30 after a very long day. The last pizza from the freezer was quickly put in the oven. Took out cooked pizza - to discover I had overlooked its thin polystyrene disc on the bottom. I can't believe that I was so hungry and tired that I scraped the molten plastic off the pizza - and ate the latter.

        1. OssianScotland

          Re: Bacon makes everything better

          Frozen Pizza? The Styrofoam would probably have been more nutritious (and tasty)

  12. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Sprouts

    Gently cook for precisely 9 minutes and 30 seconds, drain then serve in a bone china bowl to someone else, preferable someone you don't particularly like and with whom you have no reason to expect or hope for a cordial relationship.

    1. Rich 11

      Re: Sprouts

      And who will leave the house before you curse ever getting double-glazing.

  13. Lord of Fries
    Pint

    I miss Lester Haines writhing!

    He would have shared his deep thoughts on this important subject as no one else can.

    No gravy is tasty enough and no lard is fatter any more!

    Why Beer? just because!

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: I miss Lester Haines writhing!

      Lester writhing? Somehow I doubt he even squirmed much ... maybe the odd twitch when discussing politics, but that's about it.

  14. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    And what about

    Chestnut stuffing. You can take your sage and onion and shove it. Sideways.

    1. Rich 11

      Re: And what about

      Sideways

      Everyone's got their own technique for fisting a turkey.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: And what about

        "Everyone's got their own technique for fisting a turkey.

        The first year my newly married sister hosted Xmas dinner - we were there as she prepared the turkey. It had a long flaccid neck skin - which my sister wasn't sure what to do with it. In handling it she was suddenly reduced to infectious giggles - and our mother produced her "disgusted with you" expression.

    2. Chris G

      Re: And what about

      I have never tried stuffing a chestnut! Must be fiddly work.

      Battering sprouts is best done with a cricket bat, when fully mashed, discard.

      N.B. In lieu of a cricket bat a five iron will give fair results if the sprout is addressed correctly.

      1. InfiniteApathy
        Pint

        Re: And what about

        Ah yes, hello Gentlemen - I am hear for a Mr Sprout, Brussel.

  15. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Well I like sprouts

    They go in a dish along with the cauliflower and carrots, then the whole lot get a quick zap in the microwave, just as soon as the meat and chips are ready.

  16. WylieCoyoteUK

    Belgians know how to cook them.

    I fondly remember my Belgian grandmother's Brussels sprouts, steamed then tossed in butter with bacon and chestnuts.

    Beautiful cabbagy flavours with a nice salty cultured butter and strongly smoked bacon.

    In contrast my mother's were boiled to death, she never learned my nan's cookery skills.

    The thing is Brussels sprouts today, due to an extensive selective breeding program, are far sweeter than they were in my youth, often lacking much flavour of any kind.

    My wife blanches them, cuts them in half and fries them with bacon, fennel seeds,cumin seeds and finely chopped fresh red chilli. Yum.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Belgians know how to cook them.

      "fresh red chilli"

      What kind of chili is that? "Red" is a colo(u)r, not a cultivar ... and red chilis run the gamut.

  17. SVV

    Give them some credit for this

    It'll be the first time some of their customers have ever eaten any vegetables.

  18. MAF

    I miss the Register recipes

    I'll just leave this here and retreat to a safe distance (Probably China or Australia)

    https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/curried-brussels-sprouts-chickpeas-sweet-potatoes

  19. kwhitefoot

    Thanks, and Merry Christmas

    I'd just like you say thanks for all the recipe ideas. You should all get together and write the definitive Learn You Some Sprouts for Great Good recipe book.

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