back to article The Register translates VMware's VMworld Europe 2018 news into plain English – our free guide for every reader

Today marks the opening of VMware's VMworld Europe 2018 event in Barcelona, Spain. The Dell-owned virtualization giant has a bunch of announcements to kick off its shindig. Now, your humble vulture has seen his fair share of marketing departments' techno-biz babble in his time during product launches, but has gotta say: VMware …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    VMware Cloud on AWS

    When I hear someone earnestly discussing the merits of VMware Cloud on AWS I struggle not to laugh in their face.

    1. ILoveAWS

      Re: VMware Cloud on AWS

      Please elaborate.

  2. BongoJoe
    WTF?

    When I was doing my last stint working for someone and having to be shoehorned into a suit and tie I would often come across these announcements.

    I always wondered who they were for. Most techies would look at this and give up the will to live and, I would have thought, that most marketeers would know the rules of technobabble and wouldn't be swayed by this.

    So, exactly who is this zero information-content drivel actually for? And, furthermore, is anyone actually impressed (or even vaguely understands) this stuff?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @BongoJoe

      Answer: Present and future shareholders.

      Techno babble is dream talk for investment junkies. You don't really expect to know what it means, but it makes you feel good.

    2. Giovani Tapini

      @Bongojoe - aimed at clueless bosses that wilt every time a new buzzword flies past their ears. Their wallets magically open, then come back to tell you what magic they have paid for that you can't find a use-case for.

      even with the limited quotes in the article you could have scored a full house playing BS Bingo never mind listening to hours of it...

    3. Mark 85

      So, exactly who is this zero information-content drivel actually for?

      The C-suite and their minions. They usually don't understand technobabble but fall for it all the time in a "oh... shiny" sort of way..

      1. BongoJoe

        So, basically, you three are all saying the same thing: that the movers and shakers, the captains of industry, are all easily hookwinked as a four year old watching a birthday party magician?

        I really wonder how these managers manage to find their way home in the evenings. They can't be all this thick, can they?

        1. Mark 85

          They understand profit. And since most have 'marketing' or 'sales' experience, they're so used to shoveling out BS as fact, they don't know what's real or not real... only that it's "new and improved".

    4. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      @BongoJoe

      Anyone thinking - what is an expensive propriety VMware layer that gets in the way of all the open source stuff that is common across all the cloud providers offering that's special ?

      Bullshit, that's what

  3. N2

    Yes

    They do talk virtual bollox

  4. Robert Helpmann??
    Childcatcher

    Lost in Translation

    I especially appreciated the translation of "We will wear you down." Classic. Sales droids may actually think that, too, but there is really a narrow slice of their target audience that it works on. Technical staff realize most of what they say is BS and non-technical staff don't need to be worn down - any buzzword laden sentence is apt to activate their shiny object receptors, sending them into a state of spending induced euphoria.

  5. cweinhold

    One more.

    Additionally, the new release will feature integration with VMware NSX-T enabling the automated deployment and lifecycle management of the network virtualization software as well as support for containerized applications and Kubernetes.

    Translation: Remember NSX-vSphere? Neither do we!

    1. CRConrad

      Re: One more.

      Actually, vSphere was mentioned, once: in the picture.

  6. mtp
    Joke

    But can it Encabulate?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXJKdh1KZ0w

  7. Roger Kynaston
    Coat

    you missed the REALLY important bit

    They managed to get blockchain in there. I head the words but utterly failed to understand what they meant (likely nothing?)

    mines the one with the free glass of Cava in it.

    1. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: you missed the REALLY important bit

      I auto-tune out 'blockchain'

      C.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: you missed the REALLY important bit

        >I auto-tune out 'blockchain'

        We can automate that process for you with AI / Machine Learning

    2. CRConrad

      Re: you missed the REALLY important bit

      Blockchain? Where? I went back amd scoured the bolded blockquotes, couldn't find it anywhere. Not even in the pic.

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