back to article Apple 'wellness' unit launched for staff: The genius will see you now

Faulty Apple units can now be taken in for repair, with Cupertino having reportedly opened a care service dedicated to fixing staff. The tech giant appears to be opening a series of health clinics called AC Wellness for its employees and their families. The AC Wellness site describes the venture as "an independent medical …

  1. A K Stiles
    Joke

    But isn't it "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" ?

    1. Aladdin Sane
      Pint

      Dammit

      just came here to post that.

      Have this ---->

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
      Coat

      But isn't it "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" ?

      Apparently it depends on your aim ..

  2. anothercynic Silver badge

    Given that...

    ... Apple is all about young hipsters and not 'fat middle-aged nerds', the imagery is probably appropriate ;-)

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Given that...

      @anothercynic

      ... Apple is all about young hipsters and not 'fat middle-aged nerds', the imagery is probably appropriate ;-)

      No wonder The Register hacks don't get invitations to Apple shindigs.

  3. Teiwaz

    'They should eat more fresh fruit'

    The home page features a group of happy young people in front of a fire on the beach - rather than, say, a bunch of fat middle-aged nerds hunched over their desks eating soggy sandwiches.

    Sounds like they are running this with their typical wanna-have customer base in mind.

    Someone should do..

    So what are the prescriptions gonna be like?

    Will users of the service be given a note and told to go the counter at an Apple Store to have it exchanged for an apple watch* to go for the prescribed daily run....?

    * I am assuming employees get some discount.....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 'They should eat more fresh fruit'

      Sounds like they are running this with their typical wanna-have customer base in mind.

      No they aren't. I've encountered this before, years ago working for a high end professional services firm.

      The purpose of this is encouraging the "live at the office" culture so beloved of US corporations, or nose-to-the-grindstone professional services. That's what the "concierge" crap is about - staff can pay (no, it isn't free) so that somebody else collects their dry cleaning or small shopping items, say, meaning they don't leave the office at lunch time, or have to leave early to get their before the shops close. Likewise the health centre stuff - if people can see a nurse or GP at or close to their office, they'll take less time off sick. As for mental health counselling - great, reduces the bullying and harassment payouts.

      1. Teiwaz

        Re: 'They should eat more fresh fruit'

        Yeah, I've seen promo material aimed at employees at large tech firms and looked round the office and been hit with an enormous sense of cultural disparity.

        Really doesn't work in regions with higher irony content.

        Can't fault better employee services - really enjoyed the cheap canteen running breakfast and lunches at several places I've worked - although the lunches could be a little heavy resulting in people dozing at their desks a little after lunch for a bit.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 'They should eat more fresh fruit'

        One of the drivers behind the "live at the office" culture in Silicon Valley is, I think, there are/were incentives to encourage companies to provide all these facilities on site to reduce the number of people travelling from the office (by car) for these reasons which would have a positive effectg on air quality and reduce the load on the road infrastructure etc.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 'They should eat more fresh fruit'

          "to reduce the number of people travelling from the office (by car) for these reasons which would have a positive effectg on air quality and reduce the load on the road infrastructure etc."

          Yeah, that's what the marketing says. But the actual aim is to get more time out of people without having to pay extra wages for it. Just check out the costs of these programs over a volume of employees versus the extra hours payable in a month.

          Nice, try, though, but I'm not sure the likes of, say, Google would get that implemented here. I'd love to be there when they try this in their Swiss office, for instance, I think it would be very amusing to watch.

          1. deadlockvictim

            Die Schweiz

            Well, the Swiss have their 42-hour working week and overtime is paid (at least in my experience).

            Personally, I'd be very happy if I had a doctor on premises rather than having to take time out of my working day to go see one.

            Likewise, I would have loved an on-premises creche when the childer were much younger. I like the overall trend, as long as overtime is paid.

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: 'They should eat more fresh fruit'

      @Teiwaz

      * I am assuming employees get some discount.....

      Hey, you forgot the icon! >>>>>

      FTFY

  4. Outer mongolian custard monster from outer space (honest)

    Actually rather astute move, I know its traditional to hate apple but, think. What does sickness and absenteeism cost companies?

    I worked a contract where they had regular deliveries of "free*" fruit, because they found it reduced the sickness and time off problem, increasing productivity. Same place also had drinks machines on free vend. I asked why, and was told because the cost of a can of coke was less than the time downtime cost for some crucial dev to wander down the street, cross the road to the newsagents and buy their own.

    Great working environment too, often found myself working on something until 10pm or later to get something done to help hit the team deadlines (paid by hourly rate, so don't cry for me too much). We actually appreciated the cold callous social tuning efforts. My wife calls it my unicorn contract, in that its one I'd go back for if they still existed in the same form today**, and nobody else measures up to.

    *free as in paid for by the company

    ** they were bought out by a larger competitor who they were taking market share from, and the new overlords put a stop to all that caring nonsense and offshored most of the work

    1. PM from Hell
      Paris Hilton

      Food Services HQ

      I had one contract at a food services company H.Q. a few years ago. They set up a new HQ 'flagship' and decided to use this to show customers how to save money and improve staff health. Whilst there were a couple of naughty vending machines, you had to go past large baskets of fruit to get there and most people would settle for a few grapes an applet etc rather than the chocolate bar they got up for. Lunches were not subsided but only cost £2.50 for which you could get a full meal, salad or soup and a sandwich. The menu was carefully constructed to be healthy and return a small operational profit. Almost every day you'd think that you would be hungry after eating the modest sized meals but the reality was they were perfectly sized to get you through the afternoon and not leave you feeling sluggish. They were also delicious. Almost everyone lost weight without trying and both the company and staff saved money, pity more companies can't seem to offer this. Paris icon to reflect the sylph like figure I ended up with (and subsequently lost again)

  5. Jemma

    Saying it with Shakespeare (kind of)

    "Is that a half gallon of VX I see before me... And a carelessly discarded noddy suit..."

    Tempting, very very tempting.

    And if the new medic introduces himself as Jimmy Jones and mentions that hydration is important I'd be moving to HTC myself...

    APPLE: Peddling overpriced cack since 1977..

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Idiocracy

    [paraphrasing]

    This one goes in your mouth (plug), this one goes in you ear (plug), and this one goes in your rear (plug). No wait that's not right (unplug unplug unplug). THIS one goes in your mouth.....

  7. djstardust

    Looks like

    They need this at their sub-contract factories to offer mental health support rather than suicide nets.

    1. Teiwaz

      Re: Looks like

      They need this at their sub-contract factories to offer mental health support rather than suicide nets.

      I suspect this will only be for Outer and Inner Party members.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Mental Health Support...

      It's part of the Out Of Their Box Experience.

  8. JeffyPoooh
    Pint

    Is their office like an Apple Store?

    The client wanders in, looks around for a queue or any sort of Take-A-Number organization. Finding none, stands there looking confused.

    After 26 minutes of being simultaneously bumped and ignored, releases belt and drops trousers to ankles. Within seconds, additional service staff absail from the ceiling and one of them inquires if they can offer any assistance, and by the way, would you mind pulling up your trousers?

    No wonder the staff require mental health counselling. Dealing with so many customers standing around in their pants.

    Perhaps they could install a queue concept.

  9. TRT Silver badge

    Phlebotomist?

    Sideways move for one of their pelati-phlebotomists?

  10. Petalium

    Dr Dr

    -Dr, it hurts when I pee

    -You're holding it wrong!

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Dr Dr

      @Petalium

      Dr Dre will see you now

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Dr Dr

      @Petalium

      -Dr, it hurts when I pee

      -You're holding it wrong!

      Here is a prescription for a set of premium headphones. Now Beat it and get back to work.

      Dr Dre

  11. Warm Braw

    Concierge-like healthcare

    Has the word "concierge" taken on a new meaning? To me "concierge-like healthcare" would seem to imply having the janitor take out your tonsils with a Stanley knife in the boiler room. It may shortly be the future of the NHS, but I can't see it going down too well with people who are too hip even to cast a drop-shadow.

    1. Jemma

      Re: Concierge-like healthcare

      "To me "concierge-like healthcare" would seem to imply having the janitor take out your tonsils with a Stanley knife in the boiler room."

      That'd be a platinum plated improvement over NHS cancer care. Having a vasectomy by your consultant tying your testicles to the back bumper of a Volvo Amazon and flooring it would be better than NHS cancer care..

      If you suspect that you have cancer pay private - at least for the diagnosis.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Concierge-like healthcare

      "A reservation at the local Indian restaurant after your enema, sir? Of course, sir. It will be my pleasure."

      1. Fungus Bob
        Devil

        Re: Concierge-like healthcare

        "Would Madam like the carbonated douche this afternoon? It is most invigorating, I assure you."

  12. Daedalus
    Thumb Down

    Classic outsourcing smoke and mirrors

    This sort of stuff is getting to be an epidemic in the US. Companies are outsourcing everything "non-essential" to anybody with a web presence and a good sales force. Outsourced health advice, career advice, "training", pay and benefits, and of course, IT maintenance.

    Some companies even follow up and make sure the outsourcing is worth the money they pay for it. Imagine that.

    And of course security is an afterthought. Use your Social Security Number to log in to this site, no problem. They fixed that, but it was hard to believe it ever got past initial review. Probably the guy was called away to an urgent meeting about greens fees.

  13. Mark Butler

    “Wellness”?

    Bet it’s full of woo.

  14. Diogenes
    Pint

    Wellness Programs & Gamification

    I remember in the late 90s when a former employer introduced one and had gamification (my first overt experience) as an element.

    One of the month long "challenges" was to ensure we all did our 10,000 steps, pedometers duly issued and monitored, with the big charts on the office wall updated every day. My team decided to game the gamers, and in due course we had found ways to increase our steps without actually walking. Some tied them to their shoes & tapped, others used metronomes, and another had a mamod model stationary steam engine at home , and he came into work every day with over 75000 steps recorded.

    This employer also offered a medical service delivered in an arrangement with a GPs who had his practice next door. For some reason few chose this option, as to get the company to subsidise the consultations (they paid 50% after medicare) you agreed to let the company request your medical records from the quack.

  15. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    This won't hurt a bit

    Says Apple Genius as an extraction is performed without anesthetic for the contents of a customer's wallet

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