back to article No sh*t, Sherlock! Bloke suspected of swallowing drug stash keeps colon schtum for 22 DAYS

A suspected drug dealer accused of swallowing his stash has become internet famous – after refusing to take a dump, and thus provide the cops their evidence, for 22 DAYS and counting. The 24-year-old fella was arrested by Essex police on January 17 in Harlow, England. He is believed to have wolfed down several packages of …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sure they'll get to the bottom of it in the end.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        It's a bit of a shit deal though.

      2. Sane

        They're waiting for him to log in.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Holmes

          Suitable Icon

          Log out would be more appropriate.

    2. choleric

      If he goes will he be cleared of all chargers?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Go

        Obligatory 1942 movie clip.

        The fun starts about the 4 minute mark...

    3. Magani
      Coat

      If the authorities force its passage, will it be the Enema of the State?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        If it carries on for too long I fear he will be flushing his reputation down the toilet.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Simples...

          Shove a peanut up his arse... it'll come out a treat.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          I wonder if they'll catch the person he deals for or if they'll be happy with the number two.

    4. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      But he wishes he runs away now...

    5. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      "I'm sure they'll get to the bottom of it in the end."

      They'll give you a ring when the do

    6. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      The police will go through the motions, at least.

    7. macjules

      As they say ... sh*t happens, sooner or later.

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    The Assagne option

    Self-inflicted punishment. He should realise it's going to be harder in the end.

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: The Assagne option

      it's going to be harder in the end

      *snigger*

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The Assagne option

      especially when push comes to shove.

    3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: The Assagne option

      He has also been refusing food

      Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?

      1. bazza Silver badge

        Re: The Assagne option

        Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?

        Yes, every police station in the UK has some ready just in case some ex-Aussie info peddler with an addiction problem drops in. You can't be too careful with dietary requirements these days...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The Assagne option

          They don't want to s(p)oil him.

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: The Assagne option

        "Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?"

        Or perhaps disguise some of THESE as Ferrero Rocher

        I once heard a rumor of someone getting hot chocolate made from that stuff, as a bad prank/retaliation. It's why you don't anger the people who prepare your food.

        (grabbing coat)

  3. BrownishMonstr

    ...Upon finding the defendent guilty the judge further decides the defendent must clean up his own shit.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      @ BrownishMonstr

      Your handle seems strangely appropriate for this thread.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        @Doctor Syntax,@BrownishMonstr

        Your handle seems strangely appropriate for this thread.

        Operation Raptor

        Operation Big Job

        Operation Big Wait

        1. FozzyBear
          Alien

          Operation Can't believe I'm being paid for this shit

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've just realised I'm evil.

    I would cook lots of bacon outside his cell for about half an hour then pass him a bacon butty with brown sauce on toasted white bread. The bacon would be cooked with the fatty bits being slightly crispy with a golden colour. The sandwich itself would be served open so you could see that layer of bacon juice left on the slices. I would then offer a pint of lager to wash it down should he eat it.

    Muhahahaha.

    1. Mark 85

      That's evil and it sounds like a like delight but I wouldn't want to go jail to get one.

    2. davidp231

      Sadly I think some vague clause in the Geneva Convention would consider that a form of torture and therefore illegal :(

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        This isn't war. But it sure must be hell in there...

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          The Geneva Convention only covers combatants in war - which is why tear gas can be used legally on your own citizens but not on enemy soldiers. Indeed, tear far and similar substances are originally developed for warfare, but after the Convention the manufacturers had to lobby for a new market: "Crowd Control".

    3. JulieM Silver badge

      Been done on TV: Ashes to Ashes

      Gene Hunt once ate a large portion of fish and chips, with plenty of salt and vinegar, in the cell of a hunger-striking prisoner .....

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Don’t forget the eggs

      I swear by eggs when visiting certain customers where using the toilet would be undesirable*. I get up nice and early, have plenty of bacon and eggs and let the eggs go through me before I leave the hotel.

      * Customers in Africa, where one particularly memorable (and actually very modern) office was still under construction, and the toilet was a shared bucket. One colleague had a worse experience, in Angola, where they guaranteed the route to the bucket (outside) had been cleared of mines.

      Anon, because employer probably thinks it reflects badly on them when I discuss some of my site experiences.

      1. Peter 53
        Coat

        Re: Don’t forget the eggs

        Did you mean 'shite experiences'?

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Don’t forget the eggs

        I discuss some of my site experiences

        You seem to have misplaced an 'h'..

    5. Slef

      I was with you until you mentioned toasted bread, brown sauce and lager! You also forgot the real butter; otherwise irresistible with a pint of black sheep or Tim Taylors Landlord

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Yes. For some reason I find that toast doesn't work as well for bacon butties. Though it's great with a fry-up. Fresh, soft white rolls, lightly buttered, and bacon that's been cooked so the fat has crisped up but the bacon hasn't. Personally I don't really want beer with it. A big mug of tea that's just dropped to perfect "guzzling temperature" is all-important, maybe with a glass of orange juice on the side.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          A big mug of tea that's just dropped to perfect "guzzling temperature" is all-important, maybe with a glass of orange juice on the side

          Followed by several pints of proper scrumpy, sitting in the sun in a nice garden.

          Hungry now.

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
            Happy

            CrazyOldCatMan,

            What is this sun you speak of? I know it not.

            Also, I live in a flat. So what is this garden you speak of?

    6. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      I've just realised I'm evil

      Welcome to the Monastery^W UKRM^W El Reg.

      toasted white bread

      *Toasted* white bread! Heretic! Not one jot or tittle of that evil abomination would pass my lips!

      Oh look! A Squirrel!

      Bacon sarnie? What bacon sarnie?

      (Chewing noises off stage)

  5. MrRimmerSIR!
    Trollface

    Hashtag

    Very good.

  6. Adam 52 Silver badge

    Not sure why this is news, it happens all the time. These people make themselves very ill. And have to be watched 24 hours a day because they will swallow if they can, and then one of the bags may rupture inside. So that's one of the places your tax is going.

    If he dies from his self-inflicted injuries there will be an automatic IPCC (whatever they're called now) investigation and you can bet somewhere a minor paperwork issue (there are 30 forms a day need authorising to keep him in custody) will lead to someone getting in trouble. Remember this next time you see death in custody statistics and are tempted to a knee jerk response.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      and then one of the bags may rupture inside

      It is pretty much guaranteed to do so after 24 days. Dunno what he swallowed, but at this point this is starting to look like cops are violating the law which prohibits assisting suicide.

      They should have gotten a slightly different court order long ago. A more invasive one.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        On the other hand...

        Even if he's completely innocent and passes no classified substances out of his pooper, the police could still do him for aiding and abetting the supply of illegally obtained cryptocurrency.

      2. Adam 52 Silver badge

        "Dunno what he swallowed"

        See below, probably nothing.

  7. Adam 52 Silver badge

    "He is believed to have wolfed down several packages of drugs"

    That would be unusual. It's very risky and needs careful packaging. More likely they would have been inserted via the anus, which is standard procedure for a dealer concerned about being searched.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Reminds me of an Ali G quiz on what you do in a stop n search situation:

      "... or B, do you stick it up the police officer's bottom?"

    2. Eddy Ito

      "or otherwise inserted the gear into himself"

      Presumably this bit indicates using the back door approach.

      That said, it seems pretty shady to hold someone so long on a mere "belief" of the plods. Do they have anyone who witnessed his either eating or inserting? If not that's one hell of a low standard of proof to confine someone for over three weeks.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "That said, it seems pretty shady to hold someone so long on a mere "belief" of the plods. Do they have anyone who witnessed his either eating or inserting? If not that's one hell of a low standard of proof to confine someone for over three weeks."

        These days, it's quite probable that they have video evidence that is at least highly suggestive that he was ramming stuff down his throat. I doubt it's just a suspicion, although you never can tell these days, depending on which force it is.

      2. Adam 52 Silver badge

        "Presumably this bit indicates using the back door approach"

        Yes, the article has been changed. Archive.org has the original.

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "That would be unusual. It's very risky and needs careful packaging. More likely they would have been inserted via the anus, which is standard procedure for a dealer concerned about being searched."

      Having watched a number of Police fly-on-wall documentaries over the years, no, I'd say it's not that unusual for crims to swallow drugs. Some will shove it up their arses but since they are likely to get a full strip search anyway if the cops suspect that situation and the drugs will be recovered pretty quickly, it seems some thick dealers will use the swallow method in the hope they will be released before it passes through. I doubt they are thinking things through properly and have no consideration for the possible consequences if the bags burst. They are only thinking of the here and now and have vague recollections of urban legends about swallowing or transporting drugs internally. Remember, these are not the sharpest tools in the toolbox. They're just dull tools.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Opiates

    If the drug dealer was selling/swallowing opiate based pills he might not be able to sh*t even if he wanted to.

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      IT Angle

      Re: Opiates

      Depends on the drugs

      Mine sometimes bung everything up... other times, I work from the smallest(and smelliest) room

      But I'm left wondering why I give a shit about this when the suspect clearly doesn't

  9. This post has been deleted by its author

  10. cantankerous swineherd

    so the court is compelling him to incriminate himself?

    1. 404

      He already incriminated himself by being seen ingesting the packages, cops are just waiting on the evidence to appear naturally, so to speak.

      1. Gene Cash Silver badge

        Bullshit. Those packages are not proven to contain drugs, so yes, they're forcing him to incriminate himself. In the US, his lawyer would probably file for Habeas Corpus - charge him, or let him go.

        1. Charles 9

          BS on the BS. They know it's an indigestible plastic package that would at best pass through undigested and at worst harm the swallower. Why else would the suspect do so except to conceal it? Much like being arrested at the document shredder.

          I'm surprised there hasn't been a court order to force feed a laxative.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Habeas Coprolus

          more likely

        3. DavCrav

          Random Internet person said:

          "In the US, his lawyer would probably file for Habeas Corpus - charge him, or let him go."

          Article said:

          "However, the bloke – who has been charged with possession with intent to supply class A drugs – has refused to make use of the plod's facilities ever since his arrest."

          Does random Internet person look stupid now?

          1. TRT Silver badge

            His lawyer...

            has submitted a motion to dismiss.

  11. conscience
    Coat

    I bet he wishes he'd never sharted this, by now I bet he's champing at the shit to get out.

    Has this ever been dung before?

    It sounds unbelievable, but it stool true.

    (with apologies)

    1. TRT Silver badge

      You may think it's funny, but...

      have you seen the damage that can be done to your insides by holding a poo in? My mate did. As his doctor said... "You know what you've done to your bowels, pal? Rectum."

      1. Bluto Nash

        Re: You may think it's funny, but...

        Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!

  12. scrubber
    Holmes

    Nice precedent for our corrupt police

    So plod can hold you indefinitely by lying to a judge that you have swallowed a packet that might be drugs and haven't pooped yet? That will never be misused.

    Stopping this kind of police abuse of power is what the judiciary is supposed to be for.

    Icon, because of course...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

      > "Stopping this kind of police abuse of power..."

      What abuse? If you come clean, they won't have anything to stick on you.

      I admit, the chronically constipated may be inconvenienced...

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

        The chronically constipated will no doubt produce hard evidence.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

      "So plod can hold you indefinitely by lying to a judge that you have swallowed a packet that might be drugs and haven't pooped yet?"

      If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hold in. And unlike privacy, any sane person would be happy to let them have it in exchange for their freedom.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

        Not meaning to be anally retentive or anything...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

        > If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hold in. And unlike privacy, any sane person would be happy to let them have it in exchange for their freedom.

        Spot the one who's never been unlawfully arrested.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

          "Spot the one who's never been unlawfully arrested."

          To be fair, that's likely to be the vast majority of the population, let alone just the El Reg readership, so that's a pretty easy game to play.

      3. scrubber

        Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

        If you have nothing to hide

        Says Anonymous Coward.

        What are you, some kind of stool pigeon?

      4. Stratman

        Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

        AC said

        "So plod can hold you indefinitely by lying to a judge that you have swallowed a packet that might be drugs and haven't pooped yet?"

        I strongly suspect the application to the court consisted of more than just that one sentence.

    3. GruntyMcPugh Silver badge

      Re: Nice precedent for our corrupt police

      If he was innocent and constipated he'd ask for a laxative and get it over with. Why prolong your own detention if you're innocent? He's refused food, who refuses to eat for so long?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The solution is simple - pump the smell of food constantly into the cell. It will force him to eat. Job done.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      The police are only interested in getting the job done.

    2. Charles 9

      He main go mind over matter and deaden his nose. I would think they would've tried the laxative approach by now.

    3. herman

      The smell of police food? That explains why he is still stuck up.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        > The smell of police food? That explains why he is still stuck up.

        It's not that bad actually. In my experience, presentation is below airline food levels and taste about the same, but on the other hand the rations are plentiful, nutritious and well balanced. Nothing to complain about in that respect.

  14. Pen-y-gors
    Headmaster

    Much more important

    Is the need for a criminal prosecution for the CPS drone who said

    “the one person preventing this from being resulted...

    Abuse of the English language like that, using 'result' as a passive verb, deserves at least three years with hard.

    1. PNGuinn
      Coat

      Re: Much more important @ Pen-y-gors

      "Abuse of the English language like that, using 'result' as a passive verb, deserves at least three years with hard."

      Would you be subtlety suggesting that the CPS drone was anally retentive?

      >> Thanks - it's the High Vis waterproof one with the rubber gloves in the pocketses.

  15. Bloodbeastterror

    "preventing this from being resulted"

    Say whut...? That's not even English. No wonder the CPS has problems.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "preventing this from being resulted"

      "Say whut...? That's not even English. No wonder the CPS has problems."

      The CPS has deeper problems. Good barristers can earn a lot doing commercial work.

      The French system of parallel careers is a good one. Separate training for juges d'examen (if that is still a thing, I'm going on A level French studies.)

  16. chivo243 Silver badge
    Go

    Easy

    No food for 3 weeks, just throw a bag of Ronald McDonalds fare in his cell. Add a large Coca Cola, he'll come clean...

    1. PNGuinn
      Mushroom

      Re: Easy @chivo

      Er ... clean?

  17. Tom 7

    I guess he's doiing his best not to be

    a stool pigeon.

  18. TRT Silver badge

    It's the exact opposite...

    of a dirty protest.

  19. Scroticus Canis
    Paris Hilton

    My question is...

    ... how did a shitty Essex story come to reported on from San Francisco? Is Iain Thompson a secret TOWIE fan?

  20. onefang
    Coat

    I guess it's expected after an article like this, that it attracts lots of shit comments.

    Mines the bad smelling brown one.

  21. M7S
    Coat

    It's simple enough to get away with this sort of thing, just sit still

    One might almost say...

    ...motionless.

    I thank you.

  22. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Uhm, he need to drink some water or liquids, right?

    If so, take a leaf out of the BOFH manual and bastardize his lager or liquid refreshment, so that he will impersonate both Timkin Rumbleguts and Grabpot Thundergust simultaneously.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "If so, take a leaf out of the BOFH manual and bastardize his lager or liquid refreshment, so that he will impersonate both Timkin Rumbleguts and Grabpot Thundergust simultaneously."

      Such as that stuff in the "pre-op" pack the hospital sends you before a bowel endoscopy? That's like drinking dynamite and ends up with a "ring of fire" worse than any curry can cause.

      1. Charles 9

        What we call a colonoscopy. It's probably lactulose. Thing is, that stuff's easy to detect. It's salty (I have taken it once to deal with a bout of constipation).

  23. Digitall
    Holmes

    Iconic

    See icon description, says it all really..

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: Iconic

      Elementary my dear Watson

      1. quxinot
        Joke

        Re: Iconic

        Enemantary my dear Watson.

        FTFY.

      2. onefang

        Re: Iconic

        "Alimentary my dear Watson"

        FTFY

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
          Holmes

          Re: Iconic

          @quxinot +, @onefang +

          I was suffering from a bit of grammatical constipation there. Alimentary was the intended word. Will take a spoonful of syrup of figs...

  24. This post has been deleted by its author

  25. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. unwarranted triumphalism

    Fed up with the special treatment criminals are getting

    The police should be able to do anything* they want.

    * Yes, I said 'anything'.

    1. Alistair

      Re: Fed up with the special treatment criminals are getting

      Oh good. They can arrest you and hold you without charge, bail, or contact with the rest of the world then.

  27. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Joke

    Sphincter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow

    As with Pandora's box, take cover when the sphincter opens.

    ...with apologies to Mr Clancy and Ubisoft

    Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow

  28. Montreal Sean

    Is his name Jack by any chance?

    It's a gas gas gas!

  29. Slef

    looks like all the usual faeces have been posting here !

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      @Slef

      looks like all the usual faeces have been posting here !

      But, for a change, @Big John has not been downvoted!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "But, for a change, @Big John has not been downvoted!"

        OT but when they get off their guns and trump hobbyhorses, both Big John and Bombastic Bob can produce some good posts. I used to work with some really nice people in Kentucky, if you disregarded the racism, the creationism and the gun racks. It takes all sorts to make a world, just so long as they don't come over here and vote.

        1. onefang

          Re: "But, for a change, @Big John has not been downvoted!"

          Gun racks are not a good thing to ignore.

        2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: "But, for a change, @Big John has not been downvoted!"

          @Voyna i Mor

          when they get off their guns and trump hobbyhorses, both Big John and Bombastic Bob can produce some good posts.

          agreed.

          1. Scroticus Canis
            Trollface

            Re: "when they get off their guns and trump hobbyhorses"

            What's wrong with guns?

  30. LeahroyNake

    Someone needs

    A better solicitor.. that has a supply of biscuit Brown's/ they clog you up for weeks !

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: A better solicitor..

      I wonder if Legal Aid has been applied for.

  31. Christopher Aussant

    Jeez, they're going about this the wrong way. Simply set up a meeting with him and his lawyer to discuss his case as its ongoing, and leave a bowl of Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears in the room with them. Sure the lawyer may eat some too, but its a small risk. Just read the reviews for those on Amazon and you'll see why its all they need.

  32. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    The Police have a big problem with piles of paperwork to complete

    He is going to have a big problem with piles, full stop.

    Fellow inmates with sore throats are hoping to have first dibs for the Dettol & Wirebrush treatment.

    (acks. to Billy Connolly)

  33. This post has been deleted by its author

  34. JeffyPoooh
    Pint

    Presenting a Motion to the Court

    Eventually the Prosecution will need to present a Motion to the Court.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Mule

    In the 2014 movie "The Mule" exactly this happened. I quite liked the movie for what it was.

  36. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    The police must be getting better

    In the old days they just pretended you had drugs. No dicking around.

  37. onefang

    Back in my day, the cops would just beat the shit outta him.

  38. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Now, is this poor chap still clamping up on his anal sphincter?

  39. Come to the Dark Side

    I suspect that the "incident log" will prove that it was an inside jobby...

  40. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    reminds me of Dante's Peak (with Pierce Brosnan) and Volcano (with Tommy Lee Jones).... the pressure is building...

  41. ecofeco Silver badge

    Well all the good jokes have been done, so here's a question

    Why did they suspect him in the first place and why with no evidence is it good enough to hold him seemingly indefinitely?

    1. Charles 9

      Re: Well all the good jokes have been done, so here's a question

      They caught him swallowing the evidence, meaning they already have him on Obstruction of Justice. It'll probably soon reach the point the constipation causes a medical emergency, then the doctors will administer laxatives.

  42. Jay Lenovo
    Mushroom

    My body, my choice

    The government needs to keep their hands off his sh^t and not mess with his excremental rights.

    You can't force him to produce this (butt) crack baby!

    If the liberal media breaks wind of this.. Well, they'll raise such a stink.

  43. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    34 days and counting....

    http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/20/suspected-drug-dealer-now-gone-34-days-without-taking-poo-7327236/

    It will end badly for all involved.

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