back to article Fancy a fidget? Craze makes debut entry into PornHub's top searches

PornHub's annual deep dive into user stats and searches has revealed that, in 2017, people decided to take the fidget spinner trend to new levels. According to the mainstream porn site's year in review, visitors were interested in new ways of using the seemingly innocent, if highly annoying, kids' toy. (Top tip: El Reg did an …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...increased 7 per cent on Good Friday

    Well, wood is a vital part of the story.

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: ...increased 7 per cent on Good Friday

      Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do ...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clearly Easter is the time of the second coming.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    "The top search term of 2017 was lesbian, and other big hits were equally predictable, including cheerleader, milf and threesome."

    Oddly enough, I believe the same is true for MSDN too.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Oddly enough, I believe the same is true for MSDN too.

      The difference being that Pornhub will at least give you relevant results

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Facinting read

    I actually did take a look at that document. Most interesting thing for me, a drop in traffic through the path of totality, of the US eclipse. eg. A 26% drop in traffic from South Carolina. I'm no stats talking person : but to me that's an astounding amount of people who'd rather watch pr0n than see a total eclipse.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well then ladies

    It sounds like it's time to drop that Russian hunk and find yourself a Filipino play mate as they're less likely to lose interest before you.

  6. Pen-y-gors

    Fidget spinners?

    I must have led a sheltered life - I really can't think of any way they could be used to enhance rumpy-pumpy - and I have no intention of googling it to find out more. My bottle of mind-bleach is nearly empty.

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: Fidget spinners?

      I don't know what it says about me that, when I first read that and wondered how you'd do it, I came up with several ways to use said spinner upon one's person.

    2. frank ly

      Re: Fidget spinners?

      I found out. Human imagination and ingenuity is indeed a wonderous thing, if a bit repetitive and squealy.

    3. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Fidget spinners?

      Maybe my imagination is limited, but my interest is rarely piqued unless something vibrates or looks like a rocket from 1950s sci-fi. Preferably both. Not terribly keen on getting intimate with a fidget spinner.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Fidget spinners?

      Since the dawn of time humanity has always had a strange curiosity with orifices, from early caveman and their flint dildos (who said they were for creating fire?) to the current craze of fidget spinners. If it fits it goes.

      1. wolfetone Silver badge

        Re: Fidget spinners?

        "Since the dawn of time humanity has always had a strange curiosity with orifices, from early caveman and their flint dildos (who said they were for creating fire?) to the current craze of fidget spinners. If it fits it goes."

        Fun fact: The electric vibrator (motorised dildo) was invented 100 years before the electric toothbrush.

    5. stucs201

      Re: Fidget spinners?

      Of course fidget spinners. Rule 34...

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

    Seems there's a market for the Great British W**k Off. It could still follow much of the same formula, and involve cooking ingredients, stale wit, and "celebrity" judges commenting on the contestant's efforts.

    "Oh, no, he's losing height and girth, like a souffle coming out of the oven too soon, he'll never produce cream now"

    Etc, etc.

    1. RJG

      Re: Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

      I take it that you don't know about "The Great Britsh Bonk off", available from the gentleman's specialst video retailers?

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

      "We're going to need considerably bigger buns"

      - Calendar Girls

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

      They could give Strictly come dancing a new format or bring back Blue Peter. What about the XXX Factor?

      They could also bring back Eldorado because that was w*nk.

      I think the best idea would be a new format to pointless where contestants have to crack one off to pictures of Ann Widdecombe or Theresa may with hilarious consequences.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

        What about the XXX Factor?

        I think someone has actually already done this.

      2. Sir Runcible Spoon

        Re: Maybe time for the mainstream broadcasters to pay attention

        I liked Eldorado, it was funny :)

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I wonder...

    ..how big a drop was seen during summer recess for Parliament?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I wonder...

      I'm not sure whether it was intentional but the idea that Parliamentarians watch more porn at work than they do at home amuses me.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I wonder...

        "the idea that Parliamentarians watch more porn at work than they do at home"

        Ever since the expenses scandal, they've realised they can't get paid for jerking off at home. It's ok at their second homes in London or at Westminster. The porn is incidental, they get off on screwing the taxpayer....

  9. TheProf
    Facepalm

    More than

    "The report found that those in the Philippines spent the longest time on the site – an average of 13 minutes and 28 seconds per visit, more than the overall global average of 9 minutes 59 seconds."

    So the longest time spent on the site was longer than the average time spent? Fascinating.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: More than

      With typical Openreach broadband speeds, I'd have though British grumble aficionados would be recording times of around fifteen minutes?

  10. Naselus

    "The most common desktop operating system for PornHub users was Windows – 80 per cent of users "

    Given Windows is over 90% of desktop market share, does that mean that Windows users are actually proportionately less likely to visit pornhub that Linux and Mac users? After all, the other 10% of the desktop market are making up 20% of the Pornhub usage.

    Of course, Windows is also predominant in the commercial world, so a goodly portion of that 90% is office PCs. But most of the news from Parliament recently suggests that being in the office has no impact on people's porn viewing habits whatsoever...

  11. Banksy

    Great wankers

    I'm personally impressed that the UK manages to be second in the visitors chart after the US. We must be punching well above our weight for our population.

    I don't get this step mom/sister thing. You know all the porn stars who are in these clips. They can't all be realted!

    1. Dwarf

      Re: Great wankers

      It probably comes down to inbreeding.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Great wankers

      Oh come now, if our leaders are anything to go by most males (and probably quite a few women folk too) have fun bashing the bishop or flicking the bean in the privacy and comfort of anywhere out of site of the neighbours, so it doesn't come as *that* much of surprise.

      That said, I'm curious as to where the Japanese get their streams from... you know......asking for a friend......*cough*

    3. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: Great wankers

      @Banksy

      "I don't get this step mom/sister thing. You know all the porn stars who are in these clips. They can't all be realted!"

      Maybe there is UK politico demand driving this area?

      e.g. back in the day, Tory MP Alan Clark liked Mother / daughters stuff

      http://www.independent.co.uk/news/clark-scandal-descends-into-tales-of-blackmail-and-lechery-1419683.html

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I expect an early spring spike

    come (late) February. Cause in March, my dear fellow UK perverts, all of you, we're gonna BAN porn in our sex-crazy little ex-EU-membered island. Unless, of course, you VOLUNTARILY provide your personal details to the gov-run member-ship club of the over-18s.*

    * tor browser users excluded, but that's ok, cause it's only 1% of over 18s, never mind the 99% of the youngers!

    1. emmanuel goldstein

      Re: I expect an early spring spike

      I think it's pretty bad form to waste TOR bandwidth on your Friday afternoon wank. What are you so ashamed of?

    2. Pen-y-gors

      Re: I expect an early spring spike

      Surely by now any sensible person is running a VPN either a) for security or b) to allow streaming from a different country.

      Doesn't Pornhub fall into category b)? Didn't anyone explain this to Treeza?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I expect an early spring spike

        Didn't anyone explain this to Treeza?

        The woman's a geography graduate. You could spend from now until the heat death of the universe explaining, and she still wouldn't understand.

  13. ThatOne Silver badge
    WTF?

    Ignoramus

    Sorry for the dumb question, but what is a "fidget spinner"?

    I know what it looks like (it's on the picture), but what is one supposed to do with it (officially I mean)?

    (Yes, it's been a while since I last left my evil lair.)

    1. Timbo

      Re: Ignoramus

      "Sorry for the dumb question, but what is a "fidget spinner"?"

      In the centre is a "ball race" bearing which you grip between thumb and forefinger (for instance) and then using your other hand you "spin" the gadget, so it turns.

      The outer section of the spinner is weight loaded, so that it carries momentum and hence keeps it spinning, until eventually friction and gravity take hold.

      Some have a small dynamo inside which can light up small LED's in the outer section which makes it look nice - others make sounds.

      And they are available in lots of different spangly colours too ;-)

      1. Timbo

        Re: Ignoramus

        PS: It can spin very quickly and it can display gyroscopic reactions, making it more fun to play with.

        Though, I have to say, I can't see what sort of application it could be used for, in a Pronhub sort of way...I guess I'll just have to do a search on PH and see what the fuss is all about. ;-)

      2. ThatOne Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Ignoramus

        > In the centre is a "ball race" bearing which you grip between thumb and forefinger (for instance) and then using your other hand you "spin" the gadget, so it turns.

        Thanks. That's all? I'm terminally underwhelmed... How could it rise to become such a fad? (Something tells me I don't really want to know.)

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Ignoramus

          How could it rise to become such a fad?

          Remember the hoola-hoop? Or the pet-rock? Or communism

  14. tiggity Silver badge

    Bake off

    "people tuned in to watch a different type of cream bun."

    Tsk, shouldal have got a cream pie in the comment

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bra ornament?

    I remember Elvira the Mistress of the Dark spinning something similar to a keychain from her hefty cleavage... I can imagine that being replaced by a fidget spinner... but I can't think of many other uses...

    No, I won't research into it.

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