MoD: Sci-tech strategy? Er, here's a bunch of words and diagrams

...get me out of here

I think that diagram means "I'm a graphic artist. I'm still sitting here listening to what the clients want but I lost the will to live an hour ago. Maybe two."

Full marks....

...for making it even more realistic by taking the diagram and making it nice and blurry just like when people use a projector with a lower resolution than their computer's screen.

"I'm sorry this slide doesn't project very well"

Stepping up to the Mark and onto the Plate with AI Shows for Bigger Picture Hitters

We will also provide voluntary opportunities for developing relationships outside of the MOD with partner nations, including international defence markets, through engagement with the UK Defence Solutions Centre, and for adjacent UK sectors, with the Dual-Use Technology Exploitation programme. .... Defence and Security Accelerator Notice Updated 10 August 2017

Hmmm ..... the following recent offer to Siemens is equally well booted and suited for SMARTR MOD Use and ZeroDay Exploitation ...... Of Henry IX .......... and Potent AI Meme Muses

00ps....... on checking back there on El Reg, I notice the following vital qubit of information and intelligence is not recorded ....

cc Siemens ... Here you can contact the Siemens Innovation Communications .....

Stepping up to the Mark and onto the Plate

Are Siemens researching Future Augmented Virtual Reality Programming of the Global Project?

Please be advised of AIRunning Applications Securely at Play with Restful Works ...... Heavenly Tasks. :-) ........ http://www.ur2die4.com

[1710301307]

..... from which you can receive ..... Thank you.

We will contact you as soon as possible.

It's next level communication encryption

Hostile states will never be able to decode its meaning.

Adversaries

Given what I can interpret from the diagram, Adversaries are in control of everything (they're at the top and displayed.in a different colour from everything else).

Those adversaries can be divided into two main groups:

1) Allies & Partners

2) Rest of Government.

I'm having problems deciphering it further than that. "ARMY" appears to be somebody giving the emergency semaphore signal "I've just explosively shit my pants."

It all revolves around drinking S&Ts (Smirnoff & Tonics, a vile drink).

Encryption uses "industry primes," which are presumably the commercial variant of Mersenne primes.

"Enablers" seem to be a free-fall parachutist display team, possibly not wearing parachutes.

There is a faint dotted trace of Rutherford's planetary model of the atom, so technologically bang up to date.

After that it all becomes too confusing.

Originally it was crystal clear

Then after the graphic artist had just finished finalising the original clear and simple graphic, several different people insisted on changing the specification at the last minute in order to justify their job. After which the graphic ended up being the same sort of mess as any other MOD specified product.

Still, it's better than the usual MOD graphics where they spend £billions on a sheet of specialised A4 paper and then realise that they have just sold off all the ink that would have been capable of printing on it.

just the way money flows to different departments if one is successful, the others do their job, so you don't waste money on everyone working on something that might fail

I studied that chart carefully

It says: "Baffle'em with bullshit!"

Technological literacy

I'm going to give an anecdote from when I was working at the MoD to show the kind of mindset you are dealing with when you deal with senior members of it.

The branch I was contracting for had recently (six months ago) finished rolling out a brand new email system (Groupwise for anyone who cares) and I got dragged into the office of a senior member who proceeded to give me a lecture on how this system was rubbish and didn't work.

I asked her what exactly wasn't working properly and was told that it was missing all sorts of people. Huh? So I asked for a demonstration. She proceeded to create a new email. "This is for Tom Watson* " I was told. She then clicked on the address book and started to scroll downwards through all the A's, the B's, the C's etc. towards W. Keep in mind that this was rather a large (some might even say massively overstaffed) organisation. Eventually - very eventually - we reached the WA's and sure enough there was no Tom Watson.

I asked, why don't you just search for him and clicked on the search field then typed Tom W which sure enough came up with Tom Whatson - the correct spelling of his name no less.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS I was told most firmly before being told to go away and fix it.

*Not the actual name which has been forgotten with time and therapy but close enough for government work.

Relevant MOD text in am image

That's not very helpful for your visually impaired readers.

Was there some reason the text could not just be included as, well, text?

Missing the point

This graphic diarrhea circumvents basic procurement processes. In times of yore they went something like:

Buy guns AND buy ammunition

Buy aircraft carriers AND buy working planes

Buy anything AND have military personnel to use it.

The new procurement methodology to save money does a search and replace of "AND" for "OR" which results in no planes, no personnel and no kit ...

Never mind slagging off the incomprehensible clusterf**k of a diagram, I'm more interested in El Reg's Shutterstock image.

Specifically, I want to know when Shutterstock are going to start paying their photographers decent enough rates that they can afford glass for their models' spectacle frames. (Seriously, every ****** time!)

They're never going to be able to read the board with those...

Enablers

Looked like piles of drugs

where do I sign?