back to article BOFH: Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY

"So what do you think?" the Boss asks. "You've had more experience than me at this." "Hypochondria?" I say "Yes, I suppose you're right." "There's nothing hypochondriac about repetitive strain injuries!" the Boss snaps. "You mean OOS," the PFY counters. "And of course there is. Have you ever noticed how over-represented …

  1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    True to tradition

    Once again the PFY forgets the basic rules of life around a BOFH and gets what's coming to him.

    Plus another meddling boss bites the dust.

    Brilliant start to a Friday.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon

      Re: True to tradition

      He should have cut the BOFH in on the deal - basic Mafia protection tactics :)

      1. Steve Knox

        Re: True to tradition

        I don't think he could have given the BOFH a big enough cut. 3 digits doesn't seem like much, unless you're talking percentages or fingers.

        1. tlhonmey

          Re: True to tradition

          Cutting him in on it might not have been enough to prevent it, but it might have been enough to make him wait until they were installed in the rest of the building.

          Don't mess with the BOFH or your desk will eat you...

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: True to tradition

        "He should have cut the BOFH in on the deal"

        I was expecting the BOFH to have sussed what the was happening very early & taken over the sales spiel to cut himself in. Is he getting past it?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: True to tradition

      I'm waiting for the installments where the police detectives begin investigating the serious rash of violently dead IT bosses at this company.

    3. Ripper38
      Angel

      Re: True to tradition

      @ Pascal Monett... and a brilliant start to the week! Fortunately the wife hadn't actually put the cuppa down on the suddenly very active desk yet!

  2. Dave K
    Thumb Up

    Great episode, and always a welcome addition to any Friday!

  3. DuchessofDukeStreet

    Fatal Error

    Whereas if PFY had shared the technology with BOFH in advance, what a fabulous new method of user/PHB management...

    Bad move, PFY, bad move...

  4. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Benedict?

    Does the PFY actually have a name?

    1. Uk_Gadget

      Re: Benedict?

      Yup

      1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: Benedict?

        Im pretty sure it used to be something else though.

        <Clickety>

        Yup - Stephen

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastard_Operator_From_Hell

        1. DuchessofDukeStreet

          Re: Benedict?

          *groan*

          Thanks to that link, I've now found the BOFH archive. How am I supposed to get anything done until I've read ALL of them now...?

          1. MonkeyCee
            Happy

            Re: Benedict?

            "Thanks to that link, I've now found the BOFH archive. How am I supposed to get anything done until I've read ALL of them now...?"

            Book it under User Sensitivity Training.

            Then you can apply it, such as how sensitive they are to cattle prods...

            1. Kiwi
              Coat

              Re: Benedict?

              Book it under User Sensitivity Training.

              Hmm.. You've just given me an idea for a module for some anti sexual-harrassment course.. "Basic User Sensitivity Training" aka B.U.S.T.

              Now.. To work out how to word it right so HR don't notice.

              Then to find a job in a firm with a HR dept so I can try it out...

              1. perlcat

                Re: Benedict?

                Yeah, one nation's traitor is another nation's patriot. Or, as I choose to look at it, another competent guy in the middle screwed by the bosses so bad he went over to the competition.

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Benedict?

                Surely you must deliver that training annually.

                The Basic User Sensitivity Training Yearly course.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Benedict?

            How am I supposed to get anything done until I've read ALL of them now...?

            Wrong question. "How much of my excuse database will I use up until I have read them all?" conveys a more correct approach to the issue.

            However, if it's really a problem, the BOFH approach is to schedule your reading as training and hire a room for it at the nearest pub so you can also expense your beer whilst reading.

            :)

          3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

            Re: Benedict?

            "Thanks to that link, I've now found the BOFH archive. How am I supposed to get anything done until I've read ALL of them now...?"

            Been, there... I guess most of us have. Except jake, of course.

            But definitely time well spent, and yes, you do learn a lot that's very helpful.

          4. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Benedict?

            Been there, done that. Left that job because I was bored.

            Unfortunately you feel so empty once you get to the end though.

            1. dik.bozo

              Re: Benedict?

              The good thing about getting all the way to the end of BOFH is that, for the time being, there is the probability Simon will produce more episodes. Once Simon has shuffled off this mortal coil then getting to the end will be too too final.

              Or one could always start over and re-read the entire thing again, just like a good book.

          5. chivo243 Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Re: Benedict?

            'They're a quick read... Took me what? 7 or something months... That was back in 2009 or so too. Better get reading!

          6. toxicdragon

            Re: Benedict?

            Wait Simons archive is back up?...

            It is. Awsome!

          7. NucWorker

            Re: Benedict?

            <<<Grin>>> What else were you NORMALLY doing with your Friday afternoons...? (before Pub-Oclock)

    2. LesB

      Re: Benedict?

      Possibly, but I suspect it's a reference to a Mr Arnold. No doubt when people wake up in the US, they'll explain....

      1. FeRDNYC

        Re: Benedict?

        I just automatically assumed the BOFH was referring to Benedict Arnold, yeah. (More than anything else, simply because there was no way Simon was going to just toss the PFY's name in there like that, so it had to have some other meaning. America's most famous turncoat was the closest logical fit.) A rare bone tossed to the BOFH's US following!

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Benedict?

          "America's most famous turncoat "

          Or, from the right pondian side, a true patriot!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Benedict?

          > I just automatically assumed the BOFH was referring to Benedict Arnold, yeah.

          Because he was.

    3. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Benedict?

      Peter Fredrick Young.

    4. This post has been deleted by its author

    5. Kiwi
      Devil

      Re: Benedict?

      Does the PFY actually have a name?

      Yup. It's "Stephen".

      For your reward (for not having read enough BOFH to know), please be sure to sample the free Onion Bhajis(sp) by the rubbish bin on your way out.

      (ISTR El Reg used to have a BOFH icon? What gives fellows? Add that one to the extra lines of icons we need!)

      1. Marshalltown

        Re: Benedict?

        Stephen was one name, but if you read over BOFH it seems probable that there have been several PFYs over time. Some went on to become BOFH themselve's; others came to a bad end. The BOFH reserves his true disappointment for PFYs.

  5. adam payne

    PFY forgot lesson 1, to never cross a BOFH.

    1. Steve Evans

      I though lesson 1 was always cut the BOFH in on some of the action.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I though lesson 1 was always cut the BOFH in on some of the action.

        That's the OTHER lesson 1..

      2. Marshalltown
        Pint

        Depends entirely on prioritization

        Saftey calls for never crossing (which might include not being so naive as to reveal a potentially profitable line at work in front of the BOFH and certainly never to the boss who is as trustworthy as that moldy stuff in the jar in the back of the fridge). Continued decent working relations require a cut in the action, but that has to be handled very cautiously because clearly the BOFH is no more trustworthy that the boss might be.

  6. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    ooh what a bastard!

  7. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Lovely bastardly episode. Will be a classic in a few months' time, and will mature quite well :)

    *applause*

  8. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Oh, and lest I forget...

    Happy SysAdmin day for all you sysadmins! :)

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Research shows whatever the furniture vendor wants to pay for research on"

    So true and can be applied to most research.

    Great as always.

  10. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Brilliant!

    The moment the words "guinea pig" appeared, there was only one way it could end

  11. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Priceless!

    I had been thinking the PFY had been getting a bit uppety lately.

    Hmmmm. I can think of an office that 'needs' a couple of those desks.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

      Re: Priceless!

      Bonus points for not informing them of those "special" chairs and tables.

      Bonus points for creating chaos and mayhem during work hours.

      Extra bonus points for getting staff to resign.

  12. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Sysadmin Day

    Craft beer and box of donuts already in place, topped with thank you card.

  13. FeRDNYC

    I have a computer cart in my spare room...

    I say cart because as far as I'm concerned the thing's too narrow to be considered a desk, so it's a cart. Found its way to me free from someone who had no use for it. Now I have no use for it, but I do have the space so I hang on to it anyway.

    It's single-person width, large primary surface, full-width (and full-depth, surprisingly) slide-out keyboard shelf fixed below, couple of shallower shelves mounted far above and below the main surface, and all of it fixed to these two vertical side pillars on wheels.

    The pillars are there because the thing's height-adjustable, using these two knobs below the main surface, one on each pillar, that crank the desk upwards or downwards when you turn them both frontwards or backwards at the same time.

    It's a nice idea, but the problem is that you can only adjust the height of the "desk" surface when there's no weight on the "desk" surface, and there can't really be anything on the shelf below the desk surface or you won't be able to get to the knobs. So, apparently they expected anyone using this cart as a "desk" to completely remove everything from it, whenever they wanted to adjust the height.

    Life's too short for that sort of nonsense. So, now it sits, piled with spare-parts boxes, construction materials, and miscellaneous crap, making itself minimally useful to my life.

    1. Mark 85

      Re: I have a computer cart in my spare room...

      Wow... I thought I had the only one like that... a real POS since it can't be adjusted with anything on it. However, I use in the workshop as a movable workspace to give me some more work surface where I need it. Works well for that.

    2. Marshalltown

      Re: I have a computer cart in my spare room...

      There's no pillow on it?

  14. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    This

    Will not End Well

    1. Admiral Grace Hopper

      Re: This

      Au contraire, I suspect that it will end very well for someone but precisely who remains to be seen. I'm not betting against our hero though.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: This

      This

      Will not End Well

      That's mainly a matter of perspective :)

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Re: This

        Is that psychopathic robot still in the basement?

  15. DropBear
    Joke

    Hmmm, as heavy as those over-twenty-inch CRTs used to be, I'm having doubts about their, uh, mind-altering effectiveness via point-blank toppling. I'd have much more faith in one of those Barco ceiling projectors of yore the size of a smaller minifridge, with three separate naval cannon sized lenses for RGB, that would split a mahogany executive desk clean in two if someone were to carelessly install the wrong driver that just happened to contain an "eject" option...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hmmm, as heavy as those over-twenty-inch CRTs used to be, I'm having doubts about their, uh, mind-altering effectiveness via point-blank toppling.

      That's why you use FAST stepper motors. The closer you can get to free fall, the better, after that it's just a matter of backing up first for enough distance to get up to speed. The added benefit of fast motors is that the desk can trap any users that try to escape.

      There is always an argument for over engineering :)

  16. earl grey
    Unhappy

    Benedict who?

    Well, at least he didn't use Quisling. Most these days may not remember.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Benedict who?

      Most people will know what a quisling is without knowing who Quisling was...

  17. Trygve Henriksen

    Electrically adjusted desks...

    I have one of those at the office. It's a pretty big one, too...

    I use the adjustments in the summer only.

    In the evening I raise it to the top, then slip under it to reach the handle on the window so I can close it. (Desk is too wide to reach by leaning over it without risking to topple over. and the monitors are also in the way)

    Then in the morning the next day I slip under again, open the window, get back up and lower the desk for a another day of work in a hot office...

    Adjusting the desk for health reasons?

    Then I'd need to start messing with the settings of my chair, and THAT ain't happening!

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

      Re: Electrically adjusted desks...

      Bob the Janitor has been dispatched with special instructions pertaining your desk and chair.

      Enjoy.

  18. scrubber
    Terminator

    A timely reminder

    The IOT revolution will not be bloodless.

    1. dik.bozo

      Re: A timely reminder

      My money is on the BOFH as the winner. More internet = more opportunities for him.

  19. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    hmmm

    Quite the twist. At first, I thought the PFY was going for his BOFH Masters-levels and was planning to take the boss out by himself. Electrically adjustable desk AND battery-operated adjustable chair fro the PFY's basement? That just SCREAMS "kzzzzzrrrt"-moment. But no, the PFY was just after some cold hard. And now it's war... Considering the recent slowish pace of episodes, this may take us through Halloween before it's resolved.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

      Re: hmmm

      I was thinking more along the lines of taking the Boss through a car wash, desk and all. And more than once. And at various height levels, to ensure a sparkly clean Boss.

      Something like this classic : https://www.andrews.edu/~freeman/bofh/bofh6dec.html

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bean counters....

    I work in a fairly large hospital. Beancounter manager has one of these electric desks that can raise and lower at a touch of a button. Rest of the hospital - wooden blocks hand crafted by the estates department's "finest" chippy.... Some one told me that it cost over a grand and took 3 people to carry and install it.

    What budget deficit???

    Anyway, when I go and visit his office and no one is looking, I lower it by 1/2".....

    Think he is on long term sick leave. Must be coincidence?

  21. Steve Kerr

    That's funny

    Especially as I have an electrically operated height adjustable desk that I'm well, sitting at currently.

    Better desk at home than in the office but as I work mostly from home nowadays.

    Did come from Ikea though and is surprisingly solid.

    Was 20% cheaper than 2 months travel on the train into London from just outside the M25 and saves the 3 hour round trip hell that is Southeastern and Thameslink combined.

    1. J. Cook Silver badge

      Re: That's funny

      @Steve Kerr, Ikea adjustable desk...

      I was wondering how well those worked; those were cheaper than anything else I've see as far as free-standing adjustable desks go.

      I managed to get work to spring for a Varidesk for my cubicle. Dr.'s orders.

      1. xehpuk

        Re: That's funny

        I got one for my 10 year son. Ordered it after he claimed he could not do his homework since the desk/chair was wrong height for him. I have no metrics on homework productivity before and after. The desk is quite solid though. If they figured out how to provide for the power and ethernet cords it would be perfect.

      2. Steve Kerr

        Re: That's funny

        I've been looking for one for a few years and all the ones I've seen have been damn expensive, saw them in offices in Sweden, everyone had them.

        Since I was going to work from home a lot, looking at desks and decided to look at Ikea and saw they were selling motorised desks, they're pretty sturdy, the one I've got has a max weight load of 100Kgs. They're also very heavy and have a 10 year warranty, can't sneeze at that.

        Best desk I've bought for the price.

        Based on hellish work past few weeks, I would still like a management crushing desk though :)

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. JasonLaw

    TIL: OOS

    Occupational Overuse Syndrome.

    That's a thing now?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: TIL: OOS

      Yes, rampant among street walkers...

      1. Kiwi
        Coat

        Re: TIL: OOS

        Re: TIL: OOS

        Yes, rampant among street walkers...

        Wouldn't that be spelt "OOZE"?

  24. John Crisp

    Class

    Pure class.

    Happy Sysadmin day !!

  25. Phukov Andigh Bronze badge

    wonder if the BOFH acted prematurely

    having a bunch of these desks wouldve guaranteed epic mayhem.

    and I'm kinda disappointed the PFY wasn't really developing this thing solely as a "trap" for beancounters and HR folks anyway.

    best thing to do would wait until orders were paid for, then extort what's due. And enjoy the chaos

    1. Disk0
      Thumb Up

      Re: wonder if the BOFH acted prematurely

      I was thinking just that - why not hold out until Shortbus Central rolls out an order for a tidy several hundred, then research if the remote option scales gracefully, meanwhile pocketing a tidy "finders fee" in the bug bounty hunt that you successfully challenged the boss and the pfy to after feeding them a good dozen pints on the company account....

  26. dik.bozo

    War? This could be fun...

    Mayhem and the IoT? BOFH vs PFY? My mind roils with the thrilling possibilities.

  27. Trollslayer
    Thumb Up

    Best ever!

    Plus the parts were really salvaged from Cybermen,

  28. Luiz Abdala
    Go

    And Im using...

    A completely fixed, non-adjustable desk, with a keyboard -lowered shelf, while the mouse sits on the LEFT of the desk. It was designed for PCs BEFORE the era of the mouse, but since I am LEFT-HANDED, the desk is PERFECT for me.

  29. David Roberts
    Pint

    Masterly analysis

    Of the evolution of the office desk.

    I have an old style desk in the shed which I hope to press back into service once the Tuit is sufficiently round.

    Currently using an aircraft carrier sized multi level Ikea desk where at least half of the surface is unusable behind other bits of kit. Built like a brick walled shithouse though.

  30. Stoneshop
    Devil

    So, the Boss still has a CRT?

    Not the latest shiny AMOLED 4K UHD Thunderbolt Overdrive Octocore Paperthin Edgeless flatscreen? Several options: 1) Elfin Safety has ordained that this lumbering beast is too heavy for anyone to even just touch, so The Boss is stuck with it. 2) Simon has uncovered an, ahem, incompatibility between the driver for said AMOLED 4K etcetera screen and the Boss's PC, more specifically between the AMOLED 4K etcetera screen and Freecell, whereas any Excel sheet would get visibly and irreversably corrupted. 3) the latest shiny AMOLED 4K UHD Thunderbolt Overdrive Octocore Paperthin Edgeless flatscreen has blown out the window or slipped through a crack in the floor.

  31. Herby

    Desk??

    Some of the places I've worked, the best excuse for a desk was a 4x8 foot sheet of plywood supported by a couple of crates. If it was too thin, it would sag in the middle.

    Wrong height? "Do you have a chain saw?" might be the answer. Of course the use of a chain saw usually wasn't directed at the desk supports, but that is another story.

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