Well that's a shame, something I'm sure most of us have always wanted to do is now unavailable to us.
Manchester pulls £750 public crucifixion offer
Senior clergy in Manchester, England, have cited health and safety and blasphemy concerns after nixing a plan to fill a funding gap for the city’s Easter Passion play by offering members of the public the chance to be crucified. Organisers of the annual Manchester Passion were apparently looking for innovative ways to cover …
COMMENTS
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Thursday 6th April 2017 11:30 GMT Anonymous Coward
"I'm sure most of us have always wanted to do"
I, for one, have never had a desire to act out scenes as your imaginary friend.
If I was going to pay to be a character from a book it would be Harry Potter or Gandalf from LOTR. Or if it had to be from very old fiction I'd want to be someone cool, like Noah and get a free boat...
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 15:25 GMT Steve Evans
Re: Ridiculous
"In March 2008, peers voted for the laws to be abandoned. On May 8, 2008, the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008 abolished the common-law offences of blasphemy and blasphemous libel in England and Wales, with effect from 8 July 2008."
So scratch the blasphemy angle... This is all down to 'elf and safety, oh, and political correctness.
Bollocks to the lot of em, who wants nailing? I'll fetch me 'ammer.
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Friday 7th April 2017 01:32 GMT Denarius
Re: Ridiculous
nijam, how old school. This is the 21st century, not 17th. It is disagreeing with established authority. eg, expressing any opinion that contradicts culturally accepted beliefs. So blasphemy can be performed today by expressing an informed disbelief in the foundational doctrines of materialism. The effect is the same on a heretics professional life. Expulsion from the groves of academe, work or professions. Not got to burning at stake yet, but give the snowflakes and soft marxists a few more years of PC and probability will rise. All for good of society and freedom of expression of course. I won't mention which subjects can cause blasphemy because this august publication expresses its dislike of one occasional blasphemy.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 14:24 GMT Rich 11
Hell* will have a *special place for people who feed on others grief for purely financial gains.
I forget who said it, but when asked if there was one item he could take with him into Hell, what would it be, the answer was, "A blanket, because I won't able to get close enough to the eternal fires of Hell to stay warm, with all those fucking priests in the way."
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 16:05 GMT Anonymous Coward
"I forget who said it,"
Your version is good but the version I heard many years ago concerned the curate who was summoned to take the minutes at a conference of bishops in a large, draughty country house. On the third morning he remarked, loudly, that the night before he dreamed he had died and gone to Hell.
"What was it like?" enquired one of the senior clergy.
"Same as here, couldn't get near the fire for bishops."
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 19:56 GMT wolfetone
"I'll see your £150 and raise you £11.75 for 3 (THREE) cups of tea served after paying £7500 for a funeral service."
I'll see you your 3 cups of tea and funeral service, and I'll raise you the priest who wanted £150 for my Dad's funeral retiring about 12 months later, 6 months after this he got married.
To the organ player of the church he was a priest in.
Do I win?
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Thursday 6th April 2017 09:46 GMT Kane
Re: Invisible "friends"
"If one person believes it, they are declared insane, but if thousands believe it, it's a religion..."
Only for tax purposes.
Mines the one with "Xenu Is My Co-Pilot" embroidered on the back....
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 12:14 GMT Charlie Clark
No nails required
Nails through the hand were invented for the pictures. They're not really much use for bearing the weight of the body: strong knots around the wrists are required.
Anyway, what's the point with asking for volunteers? Just go down Westminster and round some of the sinners up. I'm sure health and safety could be convinced to turn a blind eye: all in good cause and all that.
hm, where's the "I'll get my cross" icon when you need it? Mine's the one with "CCIM" engraved in it. I'll guess I'll just have to go with the "burn in hell one" instead.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 12:29 GMT BenDwire
Re: No nails required
Many commentators believe that the nails went through the wrists and feet, otherwise they would be unable to hold up the weight of the body without ripping the hands. All pretty brutal.
But I'm surprised that people want to experience the barbariasm of that era - aren't people watching the news anymore? It seems to me that the poor folk in Mosul get to see this most days.
Maybe Ryanair could sink a little lower and offer interested parties an all-inclusive trip for less than £750 ...
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 13:32 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: No nails required
I'm not so sure "poor" is the correct term after seeing the HUGE swathes of the local populace turn out to watch a beheading / hanging / throat cutting / drowning / burning to death / lobbed off a tall building / have a bomb placed upon their person / etc etc.
No, they all seem quite enthused...
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 18:41 GMT Stoneshop
Re: No nails required
Someone fetch me 10 sets of identical twins, 20 crosses, a bag of 6 inch nails and a big 'ammer.
Be sure to wear appropriate safety gear, because dropping that hammer on your toes when not wearing S3-class boots is sure to be painful. Also, best to use a nailgun, for repeatability as well as preventing RSI.
(seen in an Usenet .signature: "When all you have is a nailgun, every problem looks like a messiah."
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 15:30 GMT Charlie Clark
Re: No nails required
In fact the Romans didn't drive the nails through the hands, they did it through the wrists.
I'm trying to think of how that would work without breaking the bones so badly there's not much purchase left anyway. Maybe to affix the rope to stop people slipping out of it?
Anyway: crucifixions are still practised in Sudan so how about a quick trip over to see it done for real!
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 22:42 GMT veti
Re: No nails required
The bible very specifically mentions nails in the hands, not the wrists.
I think the only way to square this particular circle is to assume that while the weight was born by ropes, the hands may also have been nailed for effect. (The "effect" in question being pain and general gruesomeness.)
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Thursday 6th April 2017 21:21 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: No nails required
The bible very specifically mentions nails in the hands, not the wrists.
I think it says χείρ in the bible - e.g. arm & hand assemblage.
Nails through the wrist bones, or even better, between radius & ulna would support the weight, but why waste time nailing the hands if the wrists are bound?
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Thursday 6th April 2017 14:44 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: No nails required - It's just a matter of practice and the Romans had a lot of practice.
Yes, but apart from being a collection of murderous bastards who enjoyed torturing people to death or getting them to fight to the death in the arena, and who have given ideas to a number of subsequent murderous bastards, what have the Romans ever done for us?
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 22:50 GMT Denarius
Re: No nails required
@Charlie, yes. Skeleton found 20+ years back that Romans had crucified. One nail through ankles (legs crossed) and each wrist. Have a vague feeling some testing was done on this 30 + years ago, reported on BBC (who else) that showed body weight would tear through palm of hand quickly. Aside from that the idea was for victim to stay alive for as long as possible as a warning example. Three days "survival" was not unknown, probably in benign weather. YMMV
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 12:48 GMT wolfetone
"Saying the Earth isn't flat?"
Selling weapons to Saudi Arabia yet moaning about the National Trust dropping the word "Easter" from some literature - absolutely fine in the eyes of our bless unelected overlord Frau May.
In keeping with the religious overtones:
Hail May with grey face,
Brexit is with thee,
Blessed are thou amongst idiots,
And blessed is the fruit of your policies - no benefits for the disabled or children,
Frau May, personal friend of Dacre,
Pay for Saudi's weapons now
And Brexit means Brexit,
Amen.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 13:26 GMT Anonymous Coward
"Like having images of a guy nailed to wood, bleeding is OK?"
and those of a man being roasted over a fire - or a woman with an ecstatic look on her face whose flesh is being torn off by red hot pincers. Apparently all essential for the
indoctrineducation of children. Yet even possession of something similar is illegal as extreme violent pr0n.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 12:27 GMT TitterYeNot
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy
"Alex Steward told the Manchester Evening News that concerns about health and safety were unfounded, as in the Passion’s 50-year history, no one had ever fallen off the cross"
"It's very simple" he said. "We just use glue. It's called 'No More Nails'..."
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 12:30 GMT Anonymous Coward
I'm not sure what the problem is
It doesn't sound like they were even going to use nails, so it's nothing more than what my local village church does.
I have seen an Easter reenactment using real nails - apparently it's quite a thing in some countries. The volunteer ends up with real stigmata to demonstrate their religious devotion.
I guess it's no more stupid that imagining that an omniscient omnipotent imaginary person cares about what songs you sing, but won't intervene until you're dead.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 23:27 GMT Captain DaFt
Re: Cross
"He sounds quite cross"
You think he's cross? Just wait until the Messiah returns!
He descends from the heavens, surrounded by heralding angels, the adoring throngs gather, and then:
"Crucifixes!? You're all wearing crucifixes? Is this some sort of sick joke? I was killed with a freaking crucifix!"
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 14:15 GMT Jason Bloomberg
You could even get three kings and a donkey for the authentic experience
Are you suggesting we should be inviting foreigners in now! I suppose that if they are packing gold, frankincense and myrrh, have their own transport, they would pass any points-based immigration test, would likely be coming from outside the EU and can take over a local football club when the play's done.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 14:20 GMT Evil Auditor
Blasphemy?
“To put people in Jesus’ place on the cross and charge them £750 to do it is blasphemous."
So, which part should be blasphemous. The crucifixion has been done before Jesus. Many times. This is kind of prior art, so to speak. Maybe it's blasphemous to charge only a mere £750?
Anyhow, I don't see how blasphemy could even be a thing.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 14:32 GMT allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
Alternatives
Would £750 buy you a ticket to the Phillipines? They do that sort of thing there every Good Friday.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 14:33 GMT handleoclast
The church is upset...
...that other people want to make money out of the crucifiction (spelling is deliberate - it was a fiction). Even worse, they want to make money out of it to give to the poor and needy.
Let's be clear here. The church is selling afterlife insurance. And it gives a money-back guarantee. If you die and there's no afterlife then all you have to do is ask for your money back and they'll return it.
Incidentally, for those who want to make Sunday special: stone your priest to death. He gets paid to deliver those church services, so he's working on a Sunday. You know it makes sense.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 17:28 GMT Crazy Operations Guy
Jesus wasn't the only one crucified...
I find it weird that Christians fetishize the whole "Jesus Crusifiction". The Romans did it to thousands of regular people. Although I find it odd that they care about how he was killed in the first place... I always thought that Jesus was supposed to be some kind of paragon of virtue that his followers were supposed to emulate, not some martyr who wasn't really martyred anyway (coming back to life kinda undoes that a bit...).
But then it seems that people care a hell of a lot more about being portrayed as oppressed and persecuted rather than being a proper mensch like Jesus was portrayed to be. Any schlub can get themselves killed, but it takes real effort to be a good person.
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 17:53 GMT Dave 15
What?
750 is cheap compared to some of the kinky folk on the net (apparently)
TBH you could give 750 to the homeless rather than 750 - cost of nails and cross, but where would the fun be?
I really get fed up with the various people who think it is their job to control what I do... unless I am doing someone harm why shouldn't I be nailed up if thats what I want....
nail them up I say, nail them up
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Wednesday 5th April 2017 20:52 GMT Ilmarinen
Well I read the thread...
I don't think the £750 was a good plan - better to select someone on the basis of whoever fellow Christians believe should be in Jesus' place.
And sod the safety elves.
And to add a simple engineer's say - I just realized, one Easter, a few years ago: "Fuck me - this bloke died for me" - go figure...
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Friday 7th April 2017 17:11 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: That bloke who invented Christmas? - ... he needs nailing up somewhere
According to Wikipedia it was an unknown Roman in about 336AD. So that's a bit unkind. You can probably ultimately blame Constantine, for causing the Roman Empire to incorporate the worship of Jesus into its State religion, and whoever subsequently decided to make the Winter Solstice festival a celebration of his supposed birth date rather than an opportunity for drinking to excess and a little light human sacrifice.
"Christianity" the religion is almost totally disconnected from a 1st century AD informal rabbi who fell foul of the Temple management.
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Thursday 6th April 2017 10:26 GMT CrazyOldCatMan
"slayed"
Is not a word. The one you are looking for is "slain".
Repeat after me: Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word. Slayed is not a word.
(Mind you, it's getting increasing common that people don't know how to conjugate verbs properly - you see it a lot in self-written books, especially those produced in LeftPondia)
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Friday 7th April 2017 00:59 GMT Trilkhai
Re: "slayed"
The reason for the common inability to conjugate verbs in the US is partially that 35+ years ago, many public schools opted to stop teaching grammar or spelling rules beyond the absolute basics. The more talented students figured out some of the rules on their own, and everyone has ended up periodically sounding like we're semi-fluent ESL students, particularly with the Web normalizing people's mistakes. *sigh*
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Friday 7th April 2017 17:21 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: "slayed"
"Mind you, it's getting increasing common that people don't know how to conjugate verbs properly"
English is not Latin and, now we're going to be free of that load of Latin and Gothic derived languages over there ----> we can stop pretending it has Latin-style grammar. That was an affectation of 18th century schoolmasters that stuck when Matthew Arnold set the public school curriculum at Rugby and decided that the most important subjects (coincidentally) were the ones he did at U, viz. Latin and Greek.
English has been steadily dropping pretensions to conjugations and declensions, and so if what little grammar we have is tending to get regularised (e.g. consistent past tense in -ed such as rained rather than irregular forms like slain and laid) surely that's an improvement? Think of it like Python 3 versus Python 2. Lay --->laid --->layed, so why not slay ---> slayed?
English is a bastard language made up by people, not a language that acquired an Académie to regulate it.