back to article Royal Navy's newest ship formally named in Glasgow yard

The Royal Navy’s newest warship, offshore patrol vessel HMS Forth, has been formally named in a ceremony held in Scotland. The 90-metre craft was christened by Rachel Johnstone-Burt, who broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow …

  1. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    Obligatory Star Wars

    May the Forth be with you.

    My coat with the light saber in the pocket!

    1. Mpeler
      Pint

      Re: Obligatory Star Wars

      Congratulations, as you were also the Firth to post :)

      (Gets me waterproof coat.... Mars bars)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Obligatory Star Wars

      Don't tell me, you're a LITHP programmer, right?

  2. HieronymusBloggs

    HMS Forth

    Looks very C-worthy

    1. Julz

      Re: HMS Forth

      Functional surly...

    2. macjules

      Re: HMS Forth

      Looks like someone repossessed an oligarch's yacht, stuck a cannon on it, painted it RN grey and extended the helipad to take a Merlin.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: HMS Forth

        Alternatively it could be hurridly repainted, the onyx bath taps installed and the gun removed (or not - depending on the oligarch) and sold if the next budget looks tight

        1. Allonymous Coward
          Pirate

          Re: HMS Forth

          Or perhaps some sort of PFI initiative where the RN will pay for offshore patrol missions as required. But the oligarch will own, manage and maintain the vessel and also provide training facilities and some personnel. They will also be able to earn extra revenue by using vessel for commercial operations when not required by the RN.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: HMS Forth

            "But the oligarch will own, manage and maintain the vessel and also provide training facilities and some personnel. "

            Available to the RN when not cruising off Sevastopol, no doubt.

            1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
              Trollface

              Re: HMS Forth

              > Available to the RN when not cruising off Sevastopol, no doubt.

              I do think Weyland-Yutani would berate the minister in charge fiercely if that ever happened.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: HMS Forth

        > Looks like someone repossessed an oligarch's yacht, stuck a cannon on it, painted it RN grey and extended the helipad to take a Merlin.

        That would have been cheaper.

    3. Vic

      Re: HMS Forth

      Looks very C-worthy

      Words fail me...

      Vic.

  3. SkippyBing

    'Atlantic Patrol Task (North), which involves cruising round the Caribbean looking for drug smugglers and generally flying the flag in the Commonwealth states near that part of the world.'

    And the non-Commonwealth states, to be honest pretty much anywhere that'll serve a decent rum. Honestly it's a hellish deployment, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Flame

      A mate on the Subs came back from a trip to Andros Island with some white rum that had a flame arrestor in the bottle - feckin' lethal stuff!!!

      I think most of the time he spent there was ashore organising piss-ups.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just Like the Bridge

    "HMS Forth, like the bridge"

    One hopes she will not develop a structural crack in a rather inaccessible place.

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      Been open since 1890

      So it should have a long life

    2. Pen-y-gors

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      And hopefully won't be in port being continuously repainted.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Just Like the Bridge

        And hopefully won't be in port being continuously repainted.

        Wife's dad used to be in charge of the British Rail viaducts, bridges and station platforms for the south-west (he was a stonemason by trade originally). She remembers being taken through the tubes over the top of the Tamar rail bridge one Sunday.

        That's another bridge that was (almost) permanently being painted. He used to get gyp from the workmen because he made them rub the rust back to metal rather than just painting over it - unsurprisingly the paintwork lasted a whole lot longer where that had been done.

        Sadly, I never got to meet him since he died in 1977 - at which point I was 12..

    3. MNGrrrl

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      > One hopes she will not develop a structural crack in a rather inaccessible place.

      Yeah, about that... inaccessible won't be your problem, maintenance will be.

      -- A Minnesotan, home of the bridge that fell into the drink due to incompetence.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    i wonder...

    i wonder if they even bothered to research the modern usage of this archaic word?

    Go Forth and Multiply = "F...k off"

    will it be called HMS F...k by sailors?

    ROFLMAO

    1. Chris G

      Re: i wonder...

      I was thinking HMS Forth should have sister ships in the same class named HMS Go and HMS Multiply.

      Perfect for diplomatic visits to less favoured ports, obviously sailing in in the correct order.

    2. Number6

      Re: i wonder...

      I was thinking that clearly because she's the first of the class, there was scope for multiplication.

  6. biscuit
    Joke

    "The 90-metre craft was christened by Rachel Johnstone-Burt, who broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow origins.

    "She is due to enter service with the RN in 2018, and will spend the time between now and then on final fit-out and sea trials."

    Who's she? The boat or Rachel Johnston-Burt? Or both?

    1. macjules

      Dear God, couldn't they have done better than that? The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning: Readings & Music: How To Plan And Organise The Funeral Your Loved Ones Would Most Appreciate ". Not very Senior Service appropriate methinks.

      1. SkippyBing

        I suspect she's actually the daughter of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Johnstone-Burt

        Who's a top bloke by all accounts although I have yet to meet him myself.

        Edit, tell a lie, it sounds like she's his wife.

        http://en.mercopress.com/2006/12/20/helicopter-veteran-of-the-falkland-s-war-becomes-scotland-s-new-admiral

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning

        I can't help thinking Miranda Hart would have been more appropriate had she been available. Her father had a distinguished career in the RN, and given the humorous possibility of carriers without aircraft and submarines that don't go to sea very much, she might have been a more realistic choice.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning

          Miranda Hart would have been more appropriate had she been available. Her father had a distinguished career in the RN, and given the humorous possibility of carriers without aircraft and submarines that don't go to sea very much, she might have been a more realistic choice.

          And could have livened up the ceremony with some suitably-timed pratfalls.

    2. Mark 65

      Given it was built by BAE I can only assume Ms Johnston-Burt is entering service in 2018.

      May God bless her and all who sail in her.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Break the hoose juice?

    "...broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow origins."

    Buckfast would have been more apt surely.

    1. Afernie

      Re: Break the hoose juice?

      "Buckfast would have been more apt surely."

      Nah, the Neds only drink the Buckie. It's made in a Abbey in Devon.

      1. Ochib

        Re: Break the hoose juice?

        A bottle, what a waste of good whisky. Should have only used a wee dram

  8. Baldrickk

    30mm gun

    Seems a bit small for a naval ship. Though I guess it'll be effective against a RIB or dinghy.

    1. Pen-y-gors

      Re: 30mm gun

      Given the Navy's track record of failing to have weapons for our ships, it's good that it will have a gun. But does the budget run to any bullets?

      1. Tom 7

        Re: 30mm gun

        "Bang! Two! Three" was good enough for Captain Mainwaring!

    2. DNTP

      Re: 30mm gun

      Tune in next week to find out more amazing facts about the armed forces, such as:

      1. Not all Air Force aircraft carry missiles,

      2. The Army has vehicles that don't mount tank cannons,

      3. Your taxes pay some soldiers to not carry rifles while conducting their duties.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 30mm gun

        "Your taxes pay some soldiers to not carry rifles while conducting their duties."

        Many moons ago, a mate who was in the RAF based at St Athan was involved in an excercise to "defend" the base against an attack. Unfortunately, they didn't have enough weapons to go around. Those without were told to just say "bang! bang! you're dead!" if they encountered an "attacker"...

        1. agurney

          Re: 30mm gun

          "bang! bang! you're dead!" if they encountered an "attacker"...

          .. rumble! rumble! I'm a tank

        2. macjules

          Re: 30mm gun

          Many moons ago I was a professional cloud sniper. We would quit happily spin up Bllndfire and shout 'that's a hit!' while our pristine unfired Rapier missiles sat on the rails never to be launched, until a few years later when they all got fired off in the South Atlantic .. well those that didn't get blown up with Atlantic Conveyor.

    3. Tom Paine

      Re: 30mm gun

      The bigger the ship, teh bigger a deathtrap it is if there's ever a proper war.

      http://exiledonline.com/the-war-nerd-this-is-how-the-carriers-will-die/all/1/

  9. Drat

    How about..

    .. taking a leaf from Ian M Banks and calling our warships something a bit more meaningful. Seeing as it comes from Glasgow how about "HMS Shut your geggie"?

    1. BenR

      Re: How about..

      HMS See you...

    2. phuzz Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: How about..

      HMS Get Tae ...

      HMS Can ye mother sew?

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: How about..

        There is two already in the culture books apprently; ROU Heavy Messing (Excession) & GCU Pure Big Mad Boat Man (Matter).

        Although "HMS Stitch That" might do.

        1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
          Happy

          "GCU Pure Big Mad Boat Man"

          Or as I like to think of them, the Crew.

    3. Pedigree-Pete
      WTF?

      Re: How about..

      RE: Seeing as it comes from Glasgow how about why wasn't it HMS Clyde or better, built in Rosyth? PP

    4. Dave the Cat

      Re: How about..

      "HMS Yer Talk Shite Hen"

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Devil

    What..

    Not "Shooty McBoatFace" part of the McBoatFace family

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: What..

      It'll happily be joined by HMS Cobol and HMS Algol soon.

    2. swampdog

      Re: What..

      Whisky McWhiskFace!

  11. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Coat

    OMFG

    You mean BAe Systems has actually delivered a naval vessel on time?

    I'm feeling a bit light headed and will have to lay down for a while.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: OMFG

      I can only assume they have somehow managed to avoid having the MoD's DPA involved or it would not have happened at all.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: OMFG

      You mean BAe Systems has actually delivered a naval vessel on time?

      Yes. But sadly all we've got is a piss pot gin palace with the same armament that Islamic State mount on a Toyota pickup truck, AND we've paid the same money for what other countries have paid for fully tooled up corvettes capable of deep water use against air, surface and submarine targets.

      This wouldn't matter so much if we had a strong destroyer and frigate fleet, but we don't - they're short in numbers, and similarly spec'd by pacificists, although I suppose there's no point in having escort vessels for carriers without aircraft.

      Oi! Twats of Whitehall! What's the point in having a navy if you only give it a few dinky, under-armed ships, and have huge gaps even in that limited capability?

      1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
        Happy

        "But sadly all we've got..a piss pot gin palace..same armament.. on a Toyota pickup truck"

        True. Just imagine what the world would be like if Toyota made pickup sized power boats. :-(

        But, but BAe build a boat on time..

        I mean, what are the odds???

        And post Brexit they can start to compete on the world stage, offering their (literally) killer warez.

      2. Tom Paine

        Re: OMFG

        You might find this piece food for thought.

        http://exiledonline.com/the-war-nerd-this-is-how-the-carriers-will-die/all/1/

        I've often vaguely thought that carriers were a massive single point of failure. The entire Falklands campaign was one Exocet away from being an utter catastrophe with thousands dead. It was nice to find that people who actually know what they're talking about think the same thing.

        1. SkippyBing

          Re: OMFG

          'I've often vaguely thought that carriers were a massive single point of failure. The entire Falklands campaign was one Exocet away from being an utter catastrophe with thousands dead. It was nice to find that people who actually know what they're talking about think the same thing.'

          Well not thousands, British carriers aren't that manpower intensive. We also had two in the Falklands Conflict so not a single point of failure. Of course the counter question is how would you propose to retake the Falklands without aircraft carriers?

          Also worth bearing in mind there's always a high value or mission essential unit, be it the aircraft carrier, the LPD carrying the amphibious forces for the land campaign, etc. Ultimately nothing is invulnerable so in essence you're saying we shouldn't have military forces because the opposition might be able to destroy them.

        2. Afernie

          Re: OMFG

          Hmm. That's one school of thought, but there are rather a lot of opposing views, and their stance is that until the DF-21 is tested against an underway and evading target (and it never has been) any real threat it represents to the carrier groups is purest conjecture. If I were the Chinese, I'd be working on a very public demonstration of its effectiveness against a manoeuvring drone ship smaller than said carrier. That sends the kind of message and provides the kind of propaganda they desire.

        3. John Smith 19 Gold badge

          "The entire Falklands campaign was one Exocet away from being an utter catastrophe"

          Not entirely.

          Unlike the Harpoon AFAIK the Exocet could not execute a ballistic attack and I think most ASM's move slowly enough to be hit by point defense guns. Although it would be an excellent application for the "metal storm" barrelless concept. AFAIK it's blowing out the whole keel (due to the massive KE) that would kill a carrier.

          The DF21 does indeed sound threatening but we'll see if it delivers.

          It comes down to this. It's been known since the 60's that runways for M2 jets (which everyone seems to have been obsessed with back them) made for large vulnerable targets and everyone had everybody else's map coordinates dialed into either their (nuclear) missiles or their aircraft cluster bomb dispenser.

          Only the Harrier bucked this trend. A triumph of French conceptual design, US funding of the NATO R&D operation and Hawkers insistence it was a good idea. Yes the engine concept set limits on aircraft size and maintenance was a nightmare but it could have gone bigger and the latter could have been engineered out.

          Everyone else said "No we'll just build a floating runway and then we can just buy land aircraft and have a few mods. Just a few % more expensive and we'll have so much more choice."

          Only they aren't "just a few % more expensive" they are a lot more expensive. IIRC Naval JSF''s are 2x as expensive as their land based version (IIRC a GAO report says the 3 core versions are now about 25% the same. IOW they are basically 3 separate aircraft, with supply chains to match and dis-economies of scale).

          But so far AFAIK all the carrier operators have been cruise missile operators and it seems no one wants to be the first to use the latter to demolish the advantages of having the former.

          But what happens when you face a technological opponent who does not have carriers and won't "play the game" ? Who sees sinking you carrier as a complete win for them?

          The Netherlands is an advanced country with a strong naval tradition and no aircraft carriers. From their PoV sending a multi $Bn investment to the bottom would not be a problem for them as they don't have any.

      3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: OMFG

        I suppose there's no point in having escort vessels for carriers without aircraft.

        Well - considering that the anticipated lifespan of a carrier in a hot warzone is measured in minutes (carriers are the new Dreadnaughts - impressive to look at, hugely expensive to build but utterly useless for actual war situations) I suspect that, in the event of a war, these escort vessels would be all we had left.

        Other than a few subs obviously.

      4. Toni the terrible Bronze badge
        Facepalm

        Re: OMFG

        You still have to have patrol boats, and there's no point in them being the size of a carrier or having the guns of a battleship given what they are planned to do.

    3. Robevan

      Re: OMFG

      Almost the displacement of a WW2 destroyer but a single 30mm cannon instead of the eight 4.7" guns, 21" torpedoes, and four 40mm Bofors guns of a wartime Tribal class destroyer, 10 knots slower too. But the captain and crew have much nicer cabins and facilities.

  12. 0laf

    HMS Forth,

    HMS Begbie more like.

    1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Coat

      HMS Begbie

      That'll be the new ship with the bow section on retractable hydraulic rams, able to snap forward and batter it's way through the side of a much larger ship.

  13. Dr Who

    Blimey - that'll show 'em!

    The Russians and the Chinese will be quaking in their jack boots when they get wind of this.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Blimey - that'll show 'em!

      I don't think Iceland will be too bothered, either (see Icelandic "Cod War").

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    HMS Forth, like the bridge

    More fake news. I'm pretty sure it was named after Sally.

  15. Your alien overlord - fear me

    So, Vice Admiral Simon Lister in in charge of defence material - is that the Navy's kevlar or the ship's curtains?

  16. Jason Hindle

    Looks like the naval equivalent of a technical

    One of those four by fours I see around Africa, from time to time, usually with a large gun mounted.

  17. caffeine addict

    Which ship did you serve on first?

    Fourth.

    1. DNTP

      No, start from the beginning. Your first ship of service.

      1. Richard 26

        At least it's a real ship and not a fixed installation. Otherwise it would be "Who's on Forth base?"

  18. Dippywood

    HMS Forth, due to enter service with the RPN in 2018...

    Too obscure?

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      HMS Forth < enter >

      2018 < enter >

      Service < enter >

      Enter < enter >

  19. Ellipsis
    Coat

    What happened to the first three?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re: what happened

      Ahh, the HMS Firsthree, she sank in the firth of forth on the fourth day of the fifth month.

  20. Michael Habel

    Needs more McBoat Face...

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Forthy McForthfaith

  22. J.Smith

    Admiral Lister

    "Vice Admiral Simon Lister"... They just need a Mr Rimmer to captain the vessel, and all will be well.

  23. Colabroad

    Headline causing confusion

    The text says it's been named "Forth" but the headline says "in Glasgow Yard"

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pointy bit below the sharp end

    Has anybody else noticed that these now boats increasingly resemble the front end of Greek triremes - which were used as early torpedoes, i.e. row like blazes and hit the enemy amidships with the pointy bit just below the surface, which was reinforced with bronze?

    With armament that increasingly seems to resemble a few men with spears, perhaps all those classically educated people in Government are now trying to get the three-decker rowing boats they really want.

    1. Korev Silver badge

      Re: Pointy bit below the sharp end

      With only a 30mm and a few machine guns, Britain's finest might find they need spears sooner than they'd like if their deployment gets "more exciting than recommended"...

      1. macjules

        Re: Pointy bit below the sharp end

        I understand it is the new Bofors 30mm 'White Flag' gun system.

        When approached by the Iranian navy the cannon is swung upwards and a white flag deploys. An automated announcement then tells all hands to lay down any knives or guns and reminds them that loss of iPhones or iPods will be compensated for.

  25. Mookster
    Headmaster

    Bridge?

    Numpties. The bridges are named after the river that they cross - the river Forth.

    1. bep

      Re: Bridge?

      "Numpties. The bridges are named after the river that they cross - the river Forth."

      Shirley the bridge crosses the Firth of Forth. The second ship will be named Moray, as in:

      "If your Firth isn't Forth but one much further north, it's a Moray!"

      What do you mean you've heard it...?

  26. I Like Heckling Silver badge
    Trollface

    What... you mean it wasn't called Shooty McShootFace

  27. Pat Harkin

    Floaty McFloatface

    Look, I'm not giving up[ on this, OK?

  28. Bandikoto

    Some Scheme

    FORTH LOVE IF HONK THEN

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