back to article The law is an ass: Mooning banned at arse end of the world

Public service announcement: if you're going on a bender in the Australian city of Melbourne, do not indulge in the practice of “mooning”, because you could end up with your arse in jail (and the rest of you). The Victorian state government either believes people aren't deterred [Ed: bad pun, don't try it again] put off by …

  1. Pompous Git Silver badge

    Back in the early 70s, my friend Wick and I were aboard a ship in the port city of Hobart. Wick decided to do a browneye (local lingo for mooning) out of a porthole. The porthole was some five feet or so from the deck and it took a considerable effort on Wick's part to leap, turn and twist to firmly insert his rear through the porthole.

    Unfortunately, this caused some severe lacerations to Wick's nether region. The doctor at the nearby hospital had a hard time inserting the stitches because he was laughing so much :-)

  2. Oengus
    Pint

    Kev's not going to be able to perform in Vic anymore

    Vic is getting more and more of a reputation of being the Uber Nanny state.

    Poor old Kevin "Bloody" Wilson won't be able to perform anymore. This is a "Clean" one... Look him up on youtube for more...

    Beer for Kev.

    1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Kev's not going to be able to perform in Vic anymore

      Amusingly, obscenity laws are precisely why Kev exists.

    2. DailyLlama

      Re: Kev's not going to be able to perform in Vic anymore

      So not only can you not say C*** in Canada, you presumably can't say it in Victoria either?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Kev's not going to be able to perform in Vic anymore

        But you could probably refer to a Consultant in the Use of a Novel Thesaurus

  3. Bubba Von Braun

    Daniel Andrews announces new number plate slogan..

    The new slogan to be applied to all Victorian number plates will be; "Victoria.. The Nanny State"

    The Premier is quoted as saying, "We know you cant be trusted with mature decisions, leave it up to the Labor Party and its Union mates we will protect you from yourself."

    In late breaking news, Labor Party, Greens and Hipsters force vote on 30Kmh maximum speed limits in inner Melbourne.

    1. Mark 65

      Re: Daniel Andrews announces new number plate slogan..

      As you mention their union mates, it's worth pointing out to the UK audience that a recent union deal on a major construction site earned simple chippies $163k/yr deals. If that isn't a pull forward of future earnings I don't know what is.

  4. Tannin

    Browneye

    Australiand don't "moon". Ever. Australians "flash a browneye".

    Only Americans moon. (Possiily citizens of other places too; I wouldn't know about that.) Australians flash a browneye. Get it right.

    (Yes, yes, the Act quaintly bowderises the normal term and substitutes a foreign term, presumably in the hope that eaisily-shocked Victiorians won't know what it means if it's written in the American dialect instead of the native tongue. This reminds me of the Victorian (era not state) practice of expressing any passage which was even slightly racy in Latin. So ... er ... what is the Latin for "flashing a browneye?" For some reason tmy classical education seemed to omit that useful term.)

    1. Oengus

      Re: Browneye

      'what is the Latin for "flashing a browneye?"'

      a brunneis oculus coruscans (thanks to Google Translate and a bit of "massaging")... too literal a translation I know.

      1. Simon Harris
        IT Angle

        Re: Browneye

        "brunneis oculus coruscans"

        IT Angle: Does that make your arse-crack an Oculus Rift?

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Browneye

      what is the Latin for "flashing a browneye?" For some reason tmy classical education seemed to omit that useful term.)

      It's many moons since I could read Latin fluently, so I'm utterly clueless. I'll ask my classical scholar mate. In the meantime, the Bosnian Rainbows have a song called Kiss My Brown Eye:

      You dig right in me

      Without the hole of a spoon

      And when I walk now

      This wound has grown by the years

      You kiss my brown eye

      Almost a shell of a man

      You call the children

      It makes me sick til I die

      (Oh) sick til I die

      (Oh) sick til I die

      (Oh) sick til I die

      (Oh) sick til I die

      image: http://static.urx.io/units/web/urx-unit-loader.gif

      Shame stalks the hole that was from me

      Stark calls the frame of used to be

      You kiss my brown eye

      Almost a shell of a man

      School haunts the children

      Which makes me sick til I die

      You dig right in me

      Almost a shell of a man

      Home haunts the children

      Which makes me sick til I die

      Kiss My Browneye

    3. Scott 53

      Re: Browneye

      " the Act quaintly bowderises the normal term "

      As someone who married a Bowdler I can't let that one pass.

  5. LaeMing
    FAIL

    How very...

    ...Victorian of them.

  6. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Picture

    ...or rather a sculpture to illustrate the point

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-37426651

    1. Vic

      Re: Picture

      ...or rather a sculpture to illustrate the point

      It's time we invented Carbonite.

      Vic.

  7. the Jim bloke

    "anal or genital region"

    so chicks can still do poachies

    Thank irrelevant deity for gender inequality.

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      so chicks can still do poachies

      Can, but don't. At least not while The Git's around. Sadly...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Winning the race

    Yep, the Australian Govt are slowly moving their nation to the top of the "Backwards" league....

    I used to love the wild eyed, au naturel, funny beer guzzling Aussies for their brash and down to earth outlook on life. Now it seems as though they are being tamed down into the same subservient lassitude of their increasingly drab government.

    C'mon Aussies show us that you still have some balls and start throwing some tinnies at the Govt from the back of your yutes.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Winning the race

      These are the same governments that decided that it should be illegal to say anything that could cause offence and, in some cases, have totally removed the presumption of innocence. Spending $1B to NOT build a road is just fine though.

      Comrade Stalin would have been proud.

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Winning the race

      Er... Australia's always been a bit wowserish. Back in the 60s, the Myer department store in Melbourne exhibited a life size Michael Angelo's statue of David to howls of protest. The pornographic item was quickly removed to somewhere the children couldn't see it. Not very long after, Jimmy Edwards spent time in the St Kilda lockup for uttering the word "fuck" in a public place. :-(

      It's all been a bit downhill since 1854.

    3. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Winning the race

      I should point out that this has nothing to do with the "Australian Government". It is the Victorian state government.

      1. Diogenes

        Re: Winning the race

        Better known as the Peoples Socialist Democratic Caliphate of Victoriastan, capital Melbournibad (pronounced Melboring)

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Winning the race

          capital Melbournibad (pronounced Melboring)

          Canberra's worse...

    4. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Winning the race

      The convicts are dying out

  9. Dr. G. Freeman

    Well then,

    (_(_ to that.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      1. TitterYeNot

        Once again laws being written by anal-retentive tight-arsed idiots, so more like

        (_!_)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Pretty stretched out, there. Recent visit from the tax man?

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        ITYM

        (_*_)

  10. Mark Simon

    Priorities

    Victorians often celebrate life by getting smashed and then smashing others in the process. The number of injuries and deaths inflicted by drunken morons on the streets is appalling.

    The good news is that at least the public is spared the shock of a naked bum. That would never do.

  11. frank ly

    “obscene songs or ballads”

    What about poetry or limericks or doggerel? What is the difference between a song and a ballad anyway and how are they defined? As usual, the lawyers have made sure that the law is unclear so as to give themselves work in the future.

    1. AceRimmer1980
      Headmaster

      Re: “obscene songs or ballads”

      You're absolutely right, we need some proper classic literature.

      Cue 'The Millers Tale' re-enactment.

    2. Peter Prof Fox

      Re: “obscene songs or ballads”

      There was a young man from Australia

      Who painted his arse like a Dahlia.

      A penny a smell

      was all very well

      But tuppence a lick was a failure

  12. Spoobistle

    Waltzing Matilda

    Remind me again, what was it the dog did with the tuckerbox?

  13. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    The country which

    Used to take the scary bits out of "Doctor Who" from at least the 1970s on.

    The show now has homosexual people and women wearing trousers, so I assume it's totally banned as well.

    And a recent episode called "Kill the Moon".

    A very scary one, since a producer's note to the writer (in Wikipedia) is "Hinchcliffe the **** out of it for the first half". Philip Hinchcliffe is the 1970s producer who, you could say, was responsible for a lot of the Australian cuts.

    Even before him, British kids used to hide behind the couch to watch the programme. Then they showed an episode where your living room furniture came to life and ate you...

    Other things in the programme which come to life and eat you include statues, shadows, Bluetooth earsets, the Royal Beast of Peladon, and the thing hiding under your bed.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The country which

      " Philip Hinchcliffe is the 1970s producer who, you could say, was responsible for a lot of the Australian cuts."

      I know what you mean, but just to clarify for others, I'm assuming you were referring to the fact that he was the one who made the cuts necessary (by upping the horror/scariness) and not the one who made the cuts themselves.

      "The show now has homosexual people and women wearing trousers"

      I suspect it'll also be banned for causing confusion amongst viewers, since some of the characters aren't even called Bruce.

    2. Pen-y-gors

      Re: The country which

      "The show now has homosexual people and women wearing trousers, so I assume it's totally banned as well."

      I think you'll find some homosexual people have been wearing trousers for many years, nay, centuries. e.g. Oscar Wilde,

  14. cortland

    It's possible

    It's possible thongs and Sumo uniforms might allow cheeky comment without putting expressive commenters in arrears

    "For want of anal" etc....

  15. Simon Harris

    A more positive interpretation...

    They've had the power to punish streakers and mooners before, but by explicitly defining separate legislation you're now not so likely to end up on the sex offenders' register for a bit of mooning.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/26/australian-state-bans-mooning-and-streaking/

  16. arctic_haze

    Banning "obscene songs or ballads"

    They are close to banning "Waltzing Matilda" if you really stop for a moment and think what it's about. Bill Bryson did and added another verse, in his opinion, fitting the existing ones:

    "Forgetting that spoons stir hot liquids much better

    The swagman immersed his tool in his tea

    And as he sadly watched his wee willy boiling

    He said "now I can't bugger you, will you bugger me?""

    1. Stratman
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Banning "obscene songs or ballads"

      The Barmy Army will be in the dock on the next England tour down there then, assuming they give a rendition or two of the Kylie song

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The world's turning in to everything@s gotta be nice face(feacal)book.

    There are some problems with your post... very apt.

  18. Simon Harris

    Total Recall - original or remake?

    Seeing the illustration to go with the "Brain Plague or Estate Agents" article reminded me...

    It's better to get your ass to Mars than to get it out in Australia.

  19. Marcus Fil
    Coat

    I was thinking of visiting Melbourne..

    but I can't be arsed.

  20. Criminny Rickets

    A band by any other name

    I wonder how they would feel if any of the pubs there were to bring in a band, like say, the Butthole Surfers?

  21. inmypjs Silver badge

    Where

    "women glow and men plunder?"

    "beer does flow and men chunder"

    Amazes me how ozzies who are supposed to be real men, elect and allow themselves to be governed by a bunch of such pussy wimps.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    At least some governmental folks have a clue

    If all of the garbage was banned, then the clowns would make real music or die.

  23. GrumpyKiwi
    Facepalm

    We are not amused

    Ah Victoria. The nanniest state in the 2nd nanniest state in the western world.

    Not to mention one of the greediest. Always amazed just how many "<RANDOM ACT> Forbidden, $200 fine" signs there are when walking the streets of Melbourne.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: We are not amused

      "Not to mention one of the greediest. Always amazed just how many "<RANDOM ACT> Forbidden, $200 fine" signs there are when walking the streets of Melbourne."

      Just be thankful that they forbid things. The obverse is that everything is forbidden unless expressly allowed.

  24. Paul J Turner

    A new Plumber's friend

    https://twitter.com/Leicparanormal/status/773509542957223936

  25. x 7

    so whats the limit? Is walking down the street wearing a candyfloss G-string acceptable? Does being male / female back a difference?

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      so whats the limit? Is walking down the street wearing a candyfloss G-string acceptable? Does being male / female back a difference?

      Hmmm... Brings back fond memories of my oldest son's wedding in Bondi. Being summer, all the pretty young girls in the street were wearing very brief bikinis and I found that more than acceptable. I've no idea what the blokes were wearing...

  26. LaeMing
    Go

    Since so many politicians are complete arses...

    ...can this law be used to keep them away from the public?

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