back to article Virginia man charged in intriguing 'suspicious bacon' case

A Virginia man is due to appear before a Grand Jury in February having been caught in his neighbour's garden while drunk, armed, wearing a camouflage mask and carrying "a suspicious bag of bacon". Evan Cater mugshot Suspicious bacon: Evan Cater poses for Amherst County cops Evan Patrick Cater, 31, of Madison Heights, was …

  1. Lysenko

    possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

    'Merkins discombobulated by Brown Sauce perhaps?

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

      I didn't know Merkins knew about brown sauce. Don't they use catsup instead? I have often wondered how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup, but nobody has ever been able to tell me.

      1. Lysenko

        how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup,

        Tricky. Depends on the recipe.

        Using rabbits as a proxy: the carcass is about 60% edible and gross weight (cat) about 4kg ...so 2.4kg of usable cat. Assuming high quality catsup with at least 50% emulsified cat and other ingredients liquid, that's nearly 6 liters of "brown" catsup per cat.

        However, "red" catsup is a different matter. You only get around 50ml of blood per kilo of cat so that's about 2.5 cats per liter.

        [*] I keep pet rabbits. If Gastropubs think it is OK to serve rabbit without general outrage, I reserve the right to devise cat recipes ;)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup,

          @Lysenko - I'm simultaneously horrified at the thought of kitty-ketchup and laughing myself silly - have an upvote! ;-}

        2. FredBloggs61

          Re: how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup,

          I also support your right to devise cat recipes!

          Are they any good? What do they taste like? Chicken?

          1. Lysenko

            What do they taste like? Chicken?

            Suspiciously reminiscent of Donner Kebabs in certain Mancunian side streets ;)

          2. Pompous Git Silver badge

            Re: how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup,

            Are they any good? What do they taste like? Chicken?

            They taste remarkably like the dim sims we used to buy in Moonee Ponds (a suburb of Melbourne) back in the 1960s.

        3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: how many cats it takes to make a bottle of catsup,

          Depends on how much you feed the cat and the quality and.. consistency of the output. To get a more ketchup-like output, simply vary the food brands at frequent intervals.

          Simply slurry, bottle and serve.

      2. x 7

        Re: possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

        the only thing to put on bacon flaps is KY jelly

        1. BebopWeBop

          Re: possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

          Is that Cameron's secret sauce?

    2. ukgnome

      Re: possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

      'Merkins discombobulated by Brown Sauce perhaps?

      Oh heck no, you can buy the glorious HP in the hallowed walmartian stores

  2. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

    WTF?

    What about Halloween? All those kiddies guilty of Felonies. Send them down for 10-15. That'll teach them.

    US law is designed by crazies for crazies but this really takes the bacon (sorry, couldn't resist it)

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

      I can think of a few folks (myself included) who could probably be charged with "felony NOT wearing a mask in public," thereby endangering the visual acuity of the general populace.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Alien

      Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

      Came wondering the same

      He's charged with "felony wearing a mask in public, misdemeanor trespassing, public intoxication and carrying a gun while intoxicated"

      ..of all that it's wearing a mask in public that's a felony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!one!!!!!!!!!!one!!one

      Only in "the land of the free*"

      *free of sanity, presumably?

    3. Crazy Operations Guy

      Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

      Virginia borders Washington DC, where anything even remotely related to "terrorism" is considered illegal.

      Well, terrorism in the sense that a brown person devotedly following their religion is a terrorist, but a white guy screaming about how we should kill all the gays and bomb abortion clinics is just a patriot exercising "Freedom of Religion / speech"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

        'Well, terrorism in the sense that a brown person devotedly following their religion is a terrorist, but a white guy screaming about how we should kill all the gays and bomb abortion clinics is just a patriot exercising "Freedom of Religion / speech""

        @COG, let's break down this diatribe of yours, shall we?

        > "'Well, terrorism in the sense that a brown person..."

        Here we have the race card. Sir, are you legally allowed to play that card? I'd hate to think a whitebread kinda guy was trying to generically guilt me on color.

        > "...devotedly following their religion..."

        I assume you refer to Islam? The 'religion' which accounts for 95% of all deaths worldwide due to terrorism? That one?

        > "...is a terrorist,..."

        Says your straw man...

        > "...but a white guy screaming..."

        Since you don't specify, I have to assume you refer to all white guys. Well, you're correct. All us white guys scream all the time. We're just filled with rage, that's why we riot at the drop of a hat... ..oh wait, that's some of those 'non-white people' you mentioned earlier. BLM I think they call themselves...

        > "...about how we should kill all the gays and bomb abortion clinics..."

        Is this what fills your dreams when you gently lay your head upon the pillow at night? Tsk.

        > "...is just a patriot exercising 'Freedom of Religion / speech'."

        Actually, I believe that inciting murder is definitely against the law in the US. Since you think otherwise you might want to re-examine your worldview for cracks.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

          @"Big John": Did you intend to write something so stupidly retarded or are you really that fucking stupid and racist?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

          > I assume you refer to Islam? The 'religion' which accounts for 95% of all deaths worldwide due to >terrorism? That one?

          As opposed to the US that (in the 70's and 80's) accounted for the majority of UK terrorism deaths in the UK by liberally funding the IRA?

          Glass houses, stones.

          1. Dan Paul

            Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

            Would not have been an Irish Republican Army if there had not been the Protestant Orangemen that made it happen. Let alone the systematic discrimination against Catholics for hundreds of years by Protestant England.

            Glass Houses, Stones.

            1. Pompous Git Silver badge

              Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

              the systematic discrimination against Catholics for hundreds of years by Protestant England.

              Preceded by hundreds of years of the Irish enslaving Brits and even paying Vikings to capture slaves for them.

              1. x 7

                Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

                "Preceded by hundreds of years of the Irish enslaving Brits and even paying Vikings to capture slaves for them.

                St Patrick for instance was a Briton enslaved by the Irish

                (note - Briton, not Angle/English)

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

            > "As opposed to the US that (in the 70's and 80's) accounted for the majority of UK terrorism deaths in the UK by liberally funding the IRA?"

            Gee, and here I was thinking that the IRA was a home-grown problem! I didn't know that a handful of misguided kooks in the US caused all that death and destruction with just a few donations. You Brits sure are easily manipulated!

            1. x 7

              Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

              Big John

              While the operational IRA were very much a local group, its finances very much relied on monies from the USA. Without regular payments from the Irish and Catholic clubs (and such like) of Boston, New York and other towns the Provos would have run out of cash and stopped their campaign much much earlier.

              Thats why some Brits are often a bit wary of USA politicians with Irish surnames.......Kerry, Reagan, Kennedy, O'Malley, to name a few.

              No, not O'Bama....don't think thats Irish

            2. Pompous Git Silver badge

              Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

              I didn't know that a handful of misguided kooks in the US caused all that death and destruction with just a few donations. You Brits sure are easily manipulated!

              So you have evidence that the money for arms and munitions came from a "handful of misguided" millionaires rather than many small donations from kooks who enjoyed the idea of Brits being blown apart?

              Yes, Brits are very easily manipulated by explosives. Perhaps Merkins aren't. Maybe that needs testing.

              Citation please and why weren't the "handful of misguided kooks" arrested under terrorism charges?

      2. bob, mon!
        Thumb Down

        Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

        "Virginia borders Washington DC, where anything even remotely related to "terrorism" is considered illegal."

        Yes, and Germany borders the Netherlands, where marijuana and prostitution are sort-of legal.

        Is there a point there somewhere?

    4. Fibbles

      I wonder how deep the rabbit hole goes?

      Since planning to commit a crime is also an offence, could one be charged with 'conspiracy to wear a mask in public'?

      Also, if you hear of someone planning to wear a mask but don't report them, do you become 'accessory to conspiracy to wear a mask in public'?

    5. Captain DaFt

      Re: Felony wearing of a mask in Public?

      Virginia, as well as the rest of the South in the USA, for decades had problems with the KKK.

      A cheerful group, known for cross burning rallies, practicing lethal vigilante justice, and violently enforcing segregation.

      All while hiding anonymously behind their signature white robe and hooded mask.

      Finally, most Southern states passed laws against adults wearing masks in public, and within a generation the KKK went from feared hooded goons to laughable, mostly low IQ individuals, known now for their bake sales, xenophobic marches and demonstrations.

      So, the laws against masks in public made sense once, and are mainly kept for purpose like this, where it's added as another charge to pad out the arrest, but otherwise ignored

  3. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    " a true bacon lover would describe the American variety as "suspicious"

    Hardly. We just don't call our pork-chops "bacon" like you Brits do. Bacon - like the word itself, ours is thin and crispy. If you can chew it, it isn't done yet...

    1. Sgt_Oddball

      I'm pretty sure we still call pork chops, pork chops.

      The back bacon being referenced to should be around an eighth of an inch in thickness or 0.0227th of a linguine.

      Crispy is also good but not always a requirement.

      See this for NSFW bacon on bacon action, enough to cover any bacon lovers kink...

      1. TonyJ
        Joke

        "...See this for NSFW bacon on bacon action, enough to cover any bacon lovers kink..."

        You should be ashamed of yourself! Posting such pornographic filth to a decent site like el reg! And at this time of day, too!!!

        (I'm just off to vote if I still can!) ;-)

    2. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      @ Pirate Dave

      That which our "old country" cousins call bacon more closely resembles what we former colonials would call ham and comes from a completely different porcine region*. Both are quite delectable, but distinctly different. Personally, I disagree with your assertion that "if you can chew it, it isn't done yet." My wife likes her bacon that way - WELL done bordering on charred. I leave mine a bit chewy with just a little bit of "crispy." All a matter of preference, really.

      * shoulder, if memory serves, whereas American bacon is from the pork belly.

      1. x 7

        Re: @ Pirate Dave

        "My wife likes her bacon that way"

        Women who chew on bacon are usually sapphists

        The kind of women I prefer tend to go for sausage

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: @ Pirate Dave

          The kind of women I prefer tend to go for sausage

          I haven't laughed so hard for many months x7. Yer blood's worth bottlin' as we say in these parts.

    3. Fibbles

      American bacon is the equivalent to what is known as 'streaky bacon' in the UK. Only it has had all of the flavour removed and has been cooked till brittle.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    US bacon has more in common with tripe than the good British stuff, it's disgusting. Had my US relatives over at Christmas and they love our bacon, had to keep going out for mega packs.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I beg to differ, massively!

      UK bacon is not properly cured, and instead injected with water.

      It doesn't fry like bacon should, making an awful sludge in the pan.

      The fat in streaky bacon is the best part. Lean meat isn't very good for you. You would get sick if you tried to live on lean meat, unlike living on fat which works just fine.

      You'll know in 10 years time that I'm right. Until then keep following the industry's advice, and shorten your life.

      1. BebopWeBop
        Unhappy

        UK bacon is not properly cured, and instead injected with water.

        Well that depends on what you buy. Cheap bacon - and every bit of Danish that I have tasted, maybe. Proper bacon - even available in well know retailers is properly cured. Come TTIP, no doubt US manufacturers will be able to get their are of the 'bacon - I don't believe it' action in the UK as well I suppose. Sigh...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "UK bacon is not properly cured, and instead injected with water"

      My rather fine local butcher, Barry, would go to pistols at dawn with you on the local common over that slur on his craftsmanship.

      1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

        Injected with Water?

        Where do you shop then? Please tell us so that I (and others) can avoid it like the plague

        My Local Butcher would come at you with his meat cleaver if you suggested that his 'dry cure' had any water in it.

        The same goes for the suppliers at my local farmers market.

        Pay crap and get crap.

        I go by the rule that ALL supermarket bacon has water and god know what else added. My bacon supplier has his own smoker as well. Dry cures, no water.

        Lovely jubbly.

        1. ukgnome

          Re: Injected with Water?

          Speaking as a vegetarian

          WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?

          Like everyone else has mentioned - you must be eating the cheapest crappiest bacon ever.

          If a vege can point this out, then you have issues dude!

        2. Sgt_Oddball

          Re: Injected with Water?

          If you don't have a local butchers (quite the rarity these days lets be honest) then there's probably a good butcher at your local farmers market.

          Even better if it's the farmers themselves selling the sliced goodness, they've got a vested interest in making sure it's the finest examples of bacon and usually it's not that much more than the mass produced stuff from the super market.

          You get better bacon for pretty much the same price, they get more profit (because of lack of middle men) and everyone's a winner since any veggie family members can busy themselves by the veg stall too (that said there's a pair of women who do some of the best lettuce and tomatoes for when you want to turn breakfast into lunch without calling it brunch)

  5. Eddy Ito

    Sounds like a fully qualified numpty. Doesn't live in the area for a year and gets to know his neighbors by having them sign a petition against his irresponsible behavior. The lots in the area are only about an acre and certainly not adequate to set up a shooting range in the back yard unless it's BB guns. Hell it's only about 250 yards between Sage and Ridgeview Lanes.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Childcatcher

    I grew up having to eat nasty Brit bacon occasionally...

    Icon says it all.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I grew up having to eat nasty Brit bacon occasionally...

      You sir, have never tried middle, back or streaky. Please define non-nasty bacon.

      My bacon mission around the world.

      Spain - Streaky with minimal bacon.

      Germany - Streaky with minimal bacon and strange blobs of gristle within the bacon.

      Turkey - Streaky with minimal bacon and strange blobs of gristle within the bacon.

      Philippines - Streaky but made of american hotdog stuff.

      Eire - Streaky but quite pleasant.

      Turkey bacon (not country related) - Fuck off

      I would also like to point out that the tastiest bacon in the world does not contain water, it does not cook and produce white scus, it is a treasure to behold and in this day and age it's getting harder and harder to find a proper butchers as opposed to those that buy a load of tripe.

      1. Robert Helpmann??
        Childcatcher

        Re: I grew up having to eat nasty Brit bacon occasionally...

        ...My bacon mission around the world....

        You missed:

        Jowl bacon (American) - Streaky, wider than other varieties. Quite nice for sandwiches.

        And for the non-pig-eating people of the world:

        Beef bacon - Streaky, from the same cut as most American bacon, but more meaty as it is beef.

        Macon - Made from mutton. Just found out about this and now have to try it.

        Gribenes - Turkey or chicken skins. Pushing the envelope a bit, but satisfyingly crunchy.

        Vegetarian bacon - See comment concerning turkey bacon.

        Dulse (Palmaria sp.) - Mercifully contained to labs somewhere on the campus of Oregon State University, this horror was covered by El Reg not just once, but twice.

  7. User McUser
    Joke

    Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

    Regardless of your personal preferences, I think we can all agree that they are both better than whatever the hell CANADIAN bacon is supposed to be.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

      Was it not a great man that once said,

      I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all bacon is created equal."

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

        @AC - except veggie bacon, which I really like, but it isn't actually bacon (who'd've thought?)

        Reminds me, Inever did get around to trying dulse. Well, there's a project for the next few months. Will report back if successful.

        1. werdsmith Silver badge

          Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

          Bacon style even varies across the UK, just look at the chunks of pig you would get in Yorkshire.

          Much supermarket cheap stuff has followed the Danish style.

          There are many varieties, of which the American stuff you would get at iHop, is streaky bacon - one of those products that is made for the convenience of the producer not the consumer.

          1. x 7

            Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

            " chunks of pig you would get in Yorkshire."

            yeah, fat ones in the supermarkets in leeds or bradford or sheffield, usually shopping in their pyjamas

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

      "Canadian Bacon" is just what you Americans call overcooked ham. But how can you hate on it? Sure it isn't bacon, but its still a piece of a pig, which is by far the most delicious of animals.

      But at least its not the abomination that is American "Cheese".

      1. skeptical i

        Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

        re: the abomination that is American "Cheese"

        The technical term is "processed cheese food", and the more heavily marketed brands brag that it contains real milk. Kwality with a 'k'.

        1. Captain DaFt

          Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

          Firstly, True American cheeses can be damned good.

          -The technical term is "processed cheese food"-

          Now that stuff is a true abomination, and these days has moved so far from real cheese that it's now called "Pasteurized processed cheese food spread".

          That stuff is less edible than the plastic it's wrapped in, and doesn't even have to contain milk, or any other recognizably edible substance.

          1. Crazy Operations Guy

            Re: Stop the Fighting: American -v- British Bacon

            "Firstly, True American cheeses can be damned good."

            Certainly not denying that, one of the best pieces of cheddar I ever had came from a dairy in the US. Its that weird waxy, bright yellow stuff that is labeled "American Cheese" that , for some reason, doesn't spoil, that I find grotesque. Our bodies harvest nutrients, proteins, etc. from food in a very similar manner to spoilage, so if something doesn't spoil, is it also not digestible?

  8. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Mmmmm

    Unexplained Bacon.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A nod to the Beastie Boys

    You gotta fight... for your right... to baaaaaacon!

  10. Keven E

    It seems it's only whilst holding bacon.

    However, the provisions of this section shall not apply to persons (i) wearing traditional holiday costumes; (ii) engaged in professions, trades, employment or other activities and wearing protective masks which are deemed necessary for the physical safety of the wearer or other persons; (iii) engaged in any bona fide theatrical production or masquerade ball; or (iv) wearing a mask, hood or other device for bona fide medical reasons upon (a) the advice of a licensed physician or osteopath and carrying on his person an affidavit from the physician or osteopath specifying the medical necessity for wearing the device and the date on which the wearing of the device will no longer be necessary and providing a brief description of the device, or (b) the declaration of a disaster or state of emergency by the Governor in response to a public health emergency where the emergency declaration expressly waives this section, defines the mask appropriate for the emergency, and provides for the duration of the waiver. The violation of any provisions of this section is a Class 6 felony.

  11. BebopWeBop

    Of course, a true bacon lover would describe the American variety as "suspicious", even were it not served up coated in an unknown substance by a tooled-up masked man with a few liveners under his belt.

    I thought the only stuff that might be called bacon in the US at least was smuggled across the border from Canada, along with prescription drugs at least than killing prices?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Of course, a true bacon lover would describe the American variety as "suspicious" "

    I'd generally get a good deal more descriptive than that, especially if we're talking "breakfast strips". Ugh....

  13. magickmark
    Angel

    Makin Bacon

    When I were a lad one of my first jobs was working a shop that sold what we called 'provisions'. One of which was bacon. (This was in the UK)

    What we used to get for our 'bacon' was whole sides of pig that had been cured in a traditional way, no chemical added water etc.

    This 'side of bacon' as it was called then had to be jointed up and then the joint was then sliced by hand on a slicing machine, basically a hand turned blade on a flywheel. And we used every part of the side to produce everything from streaky (the belly) bacon to hocks, gammon steaks and joints, back, long-back, oyster cut not a bit was wasted. Yum yum.

    Not really sure what the point of this is other than the pleasant memory of real bacon hand cut and ever so tasty.

    The icon? Because it was the food of gods

    1. Hope Spirals
      Childcatcher

      Re: Makin Bacon

      And it had rind... where has that gone? Even my butcher (also in the 'WATER IN MY BACON!!! wait till I get my cleaver' camp) looks at me as if I'm mad when I ask.

      Apparently, I'm in a minority of one and it's easier to remove the skin before slicing the bacon.

      Please think of the children who believe scummy over cooked tasteless 'stuff' in a sweet subway roll (Oh please don't get me started on that) covered in gloop is a bacon sandwich.

      1. magickmark

        Re: Makin Bacon

        Yep rind and all, you'd open the fridge (more of a cold room really) and there would be the sides all hanging head down, looking literally like a suntanned pig, smoked sides looking dark brown and the un-smoked looking like a light tan. To me the rind was one of the best bits!!

      2. x 7

        Re: Makin Bacon

        "And it had rind... where has that gone?"

        pigskin........................gone to make handbags, shoes and dog chews

        never used to have value so was left on, now it does have a value

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Makin Bacon

      Because it was the food of gods

      I was in Palmerston North recently visiting my daughter and grandchildren. I had breakfast al fresco in a little café opposite the library. Real dry cured bacon and eggs. Food of the gods indeed...

  14. NomNomNom

    Bacon

    A product founded on animal abuse, performed for the pursuit of human pleasure

    1. x 7

      Re: Bacon

      "performed for the pursuit of human pleasure"

      most bacon is reformed not performed............

    2. Kernel

      Re: Bacon

      "A product founded on animal abuse, performed for the pursuit of human pleasure"

      Yep, that's the tasty stuff we're talking about.

      Good to see you're paying attention.

  15. jonnycando

    First of all

    Let us not speak badly of American bacon. Unmolested by strange poisons it's quite addictive.

    1. MotionCompensation

      Re: First of all

      Poison, that may have been what was on the bacon, for killing the dogs. Burglars do it all the time over here.

  16. The Vociferous Time Waster

    Wait

    Wearing a mask is a felony but carrying a gun while drunk is only misdemeanour

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