Dear Theresa May.
I didn't mean to look at this Reg story, please don't put me on a list.
For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link. Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, …
My friend came to me begging me to come to his office and fix the project that needed to be working for the next day? My task? Fix the custom USB cable on a system designed to freeze pig semen.
Fun fact.. The tubes of semen are loaded by sticking one end in the semen and sucking the fluid into the straw. (thankfully not my job)
My life in Madrid will always have the best stories.
I petition for this technique to become mandatorily applied on a weekly basis to all MPs and members (totally unintended pun) of government as a way to either:
Jiggle their few remaining neurons into an approximation of functionality
Or
failing that give us something more entertaining to watch than the carp on telly
Is putting such content on the Reg appropriate? After all, its a tech site frequented by various techies and, as we all know, some of these folk exhibit odd behaviour and may consider this piece as an attempt at fetish porn.
Do we want to encourage such unwholesome thoughts?
It's Friday, so mine's a Guinness...
Several decades ago, I worked in the electronics shop of a well known Veterinary College. One of our more interesting jobs was the repair of this electro-ejaculator kit. Every 3-4 weeks one of these would show up in the shop with busted XLR jacks, broken cables, or failures in the control box. We made good use of the spray bottle of alcohol and paper towels.
Watching this device in action was always impressive - the vet. would manually pulse the voltage dial, the bull would start bellowing at the voltage spike, and then a big sigh when he let go. They always appointed a female vet student to hold the collection tube. This likely contributed to an extremely low instance of unplanned pregnancies within the student body ...
It might've been a James Herriott one, but probably not.
It was someone relating their experiences doing much the same job as this in times when electro-butt-plugs weren't available and artificial cow vaginas like this were more in use:
http://www.pakdairyinfo.com/semen.htm
As I recall the device was warmed with water and then the brave collector would stand alongside a fertile cow, and when the bull mounted to cow to perform the deed, the rubber cow vagina was slapped on the end of the bull's John Thomas.
Well, the vet in question was at the farm and asked the farmer's wife to put some warm water in the artificial vagina, which she duly did. The vet received the object back, got in position and the bull made his move at which point the vet slapped the rubber spunk-catcher on the old fellah's machinery.
Apparently the bull let out a squeal of agony, leaped two feet in the air, withdrew himself from the vagina and legged it for the other side of the enclosure. The vet discovered that the farmer's wife had taken boiling water straight from the stove and used that to warm the vagina, so when the bull stuck his old man in it must have been like slapping it in a kettle.
The bull provided a sufficient sample for testing, which was fortunate since he was somewhat wary of enticing young heifers from that day on.
@ Tim Worstal
I have to think a bit about that. This reminds me about a true story a lawyer I knew told me. There was this old guy working in some stable with cows. So he had built a chair enabling him to fuck the cow of his choice.
Every now and then he was reported to the authorities involved. Asked by the judge why he did it (again), he would say - I just felt like it. He got some modest fine and apart from that the state sized his chair as it took part in the crime. So this lawyer was contemplating whether the state had some shed for his chairs or what the fuck they used them for. (Better get back to IT) Right now I will miss understand even that.
The attractive nurse led me to a quiet room with some of those explicit magazines. She indicated that I should sit in the chair. She placed a sample bottle on the top shelf near the door, told me to shoot one into the bottle , and call her once I was successful. Then, disappointingly, she left. Well, apparently I misunderstood the instructions. It took me many hours and 16 tries before I finally managed to hit that sample bottle, still on the top shelf.
You still see a lot of there hanging on the walls of spanish pubs in central spain:
Basically a 2 feet long leather tube/bull condom.
You'd have to pull it's nob out the cow, slip it into the sheath instead and let it thrust its way to completion.
technology seems to have made it a bit easier.
Sheesh - all that palava for such a small wad. The bar flies in New Zealand would not be impressed if that's all they got for their horse semen shots. I can just picture the scene - "Bruce, grab the jug and go be nice to Dobin again, the girls are thirsty!"
http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/capital-life/5176745/Women-flock-to-take-horse-semen-shots
Many years ago after I'd had my vasectomy I had to present a semen sample after a month or so so they could check to see if any of mummy's little soldiers were still getting through. The thing is you have to get the sample to the clinic (the hospital in this case) within an hour of ejaculation, so they can check how many 'live' ones there are, if any.
The wife helped *cough* me with the sample and I rushed off to the hospital. I walk in to a full outpatients room... with a large queue. Knowing time was of the essence I made my way to the front, carefully screening the sample (actually keeping it warm) from view. At the desk I tried to get a receptionist's attention by simultaneously Staring Very Hard and waving the sample bottle with my hand protecting the view from patients. "Ah!" She said at last in a loud voice, "Semen sample is it?"
The kit looks very up to date. Shouldn't there be a jumbo tub of KY jelly though? Or is that why the bull's eyes are watering? And what's the tape measure for?
I have a book somewhere with a photo of the arrangements required for inflicting the same indignity on rams, said book from the 1950s. The ejaculator looks like an old chair leg with wire wrapped round it, and is connected to something that looks like a battery charger. No Youtube then though, I think you had to send away for 8mm films.
Hi Lester
Thanks for showing what we do. We work with farmers to improve their results, in terms of increasing cattle´s fertility. A good farm needs healthy animals and good fertility. Our target is to get one calf per year and cow.
Working as a vet in the countryside is hard, dirty but beautiful. As Lester knows, we live in a great place and we don´t miss the big cities!
Sorry for my english!
Salud!
Lots of people tell me how lucky I am for living here, working with animals, no traffic jams, no polution,...but they don´t realize what means working outside in the long hard winter, at night, rainy days, etc, apart from bloody surgeries and so. Anyway, i don´t change it for any other job (now, let´s see in a few years...)