Before reading these movie pitches....
I merely used to *think* the El Reg forum crew were a deranged and perverse bunch of screw ups.
The moment has arrived for you, our beloved cinemagoing readers, to vote for the worst movie never made. To recap, we invited submissions for an imaginary nightmare celluloid creation more hideous than this cinematic list of shame - the 10 worst films ever made, according to El Reg readers: Battlefield Earth The Phantom …
A camper gets lost in the countryside in a storm on a damp rainy day. Suddenly the weather clears with remarkable speed to reveal and a bright sunny landscape of perfect green hills and blue skies. A little dome shaped bunker sits some distance away.
In curious mind he heads down towards the bunker. A door is open, revealing a large interior living space. A little robotic hoover with comical eyes is cleaning immaculate surfaces. He looks back behind him at the picturesque rolling hills and nary a cloud in the sky. Something is wrong.
"Hello?", he shouts, into the structure. The little hover stops with a whirring noise and looks up at him, but then continues it's cleaning. There is no other reply. He heads in cautiously, keeping his distance from the disturbingly life-like hoover.
10 minutes later he finds the first nest. It's in a small nook in the back wall. There is an overpowering stench of decay. The floor seems to be covered in toast (?!). There is a lot of jam on the toast, and even more jam on the floor. And broken bones. Looking closer he realizes it's not jam at all, but a sticky gut-based detritus. He freezes in terror as the stench of decay suddenly swells up behind him accompanied by the unmistakable shuffling of large feet. A deep animal-like grunt cries out in surprise: "EH OHH?". He spins round in horror to as the large bulky mass falls upon him. The little hoover cleans up the mess.
Insert: dome is populated by Doby McGill and the Little People, who sing munchkin-like songs while welcoming him.
It turns out the mini-hoover is just a micro-cosm of a macro-hoover he's been living in all his life. He's reunited with his true parents, who've been dodging The Suck and hairballs all through their tortured existence. Fighting with Arnold Schwarzenegger perseverance, he and his cohort Ilsa (a latter-day Heidi) fight their way through the bag to eventually turn off the power switch, freeing the little people, only to watch them wiped out one by one Hunger Games-style by the cat, who's been listening to the freak midgets singing for well on a year with no recourse. Movie credits roll as satiated kitty lies on back with bulging belly and purrs. Until suddenly a hand punches through stomach Carrie-/Alien-like and waves, while an ad flickers across the scene forebodingly, "Part II: Coming to a Theater Near You"
Neo played now by Dwayne 'The Dibbly' Johanson fights the evil tyrant Microshaft in an epic battle for dominance of the portable computing market. His sidekick is the super hakker cum megalomaniac Morpheus (played by Kim Dotcomic who likes to drive around in really fast flying cars and smash up the corrupt machines (AKA MACHIAA or Money Appreciative Computer Hostile Internets Assault Arsenal). Lots of shit blows up and stuff but in the end it is futile as they all end up in a kangaroo court with the judge being the reanimated corpse of Stevee Bigjobs.
In a fantastic anti-climax everyone gets sued into non-existence.
I own copies of most of those already
: /
That said, I stand by my overly verbose treatment for Pearl Harbor 2 directed by Uwe Boll... I think it could be the next MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.
Happy Friday all - cheers!
Twelve minutes of a falling rocket motor, what's not to love in the original. I have a copy of it just for the soundtrack. Besides, there are about 4 frames of large, albeit fake, breasts in the last 20 minutes of the film. When you're ten, seeing bare breasts on TV means everything.
I don't recall the naked breasts but I do remember the first time I saw Koyaanisqatsi - showing on a TV monitor in HMV on Oxford Street . I was transfixed for the whole film, surprised they didn't simply throw me out after an hour. I'd actually rate it as one of the best films of all time. The sequence including the Vegas Gals and the fighter pilot is depressingly-superb IMO .
I think it was Winged Migration (2001) that has some of the scenes proposed in Koyaanisqatsi 2 towards its end. It'll be great stuff if the right soundtrack is chosen. Leonard Cohen springs to mind; bring it on!
I would argue that never made is a fair description of Highlander 2. It came so close to being made but died in filming and some people took its corpse and stitched the pieces together then gave them a hideous semblance of life with some footage of aliens. This undead abomination was then set loose under the same title.
This just seems to the making of a bad movie. It has the elements of a movie that was clearly intended to be serious, with well known and paid actors, but in the end is just horrible. But not in a good way like Hudson Hawk or Barbarella. In a bad way like almost any post 90's movie where Travolta has a leading role.
Teletubbies vs The Predator - I would see this!
Tinky Winky jumps on it, La La says eh-oh.
The Noo Noo sucks it up and they turn it into Tubbie Tustard.
I still remember this 10 years after it was on TV, then they moved onto Tweenies, and Bob the Builder.
Worrying is that 1 now watches Deadenders and the other 2 rather naff cartoons on CITV.
But have seen Battlefield Earth
Got The Phantom Menace & The Matrix Reloaded
No interest in Twilight
Looked pants The Blair Witch Project, Snakes on a Plane
Never heard of Megashark vs Giant Octopus
I have seen a Highlander film was a bit crap but cannot remember hich one it was
Avatar I would not mind seeing this just for the effects.
Because I once bought the Koyaanisqatsi & Powaqqatsi DVD but instead of being interesting I found them incredibly irritating to watch, long scenes of not much happening along with 'music' from Philip Glass. The 'music' irritated me the most as it was contrived crap which practically repeated the same boring sequence of notes for the entire length of the films with little variation.
I bought them because I had prevously bought Baraka on DVD and found it to be a very good 'film', amazing footage with a soundtrack to perfectly match it (even with the haunting imagery of the aftermath of how bad humans can behave towards each other; concentration camps, mass graves etc.)
But my vote went to "Phantom Menace - The Musical" because after watching the original menace film in the cinema and discovering how badly Lucas had tarnished his Star Wars world, if I had to watch a musical of it I would probably end up perforating my ear drums with any sharp (or blunt) instrument to hand after the first note is sang. The gauging out of eyes would also be an acceptable action to perform.
Since suggesting Phantom Menace - the musical, I did realise that, by accident, it could be worse still.
The sequel would be Attack of the Clones - the Musical. This would have to include a romantic scene between Bieber and Striesand.
I feel quite sick. What have I done...?
Not Soraya :-)
Was quite a fan of that series until the multi-repeats and "quests for more money" started.
As to the movies in general; since these are most likely all b or c rated movies its obvious which one is the best: the one which has boobies in it, that has always been the golden rule with movies like that. Otherwise absolutely no one would be watching it ;-)
I would pay again if Miss Greendragon (it's Soryu, right?) were put on a powerful mix of prozac and speed then time-reversally copied and found herself fighting for Hitler, piloting a preternaturally enhanced red-painted He-162 Volksjäger and delaying the collapse of the 3rd Reich long enough for a secret cabal of SS Ahnenerbe connected to rabid U.S. Christian Evangelicals secretly in league with Roosevelt to join up with Japanese researchers in a camp run by Ralph Fiennes so that Kaballistic Abrahamic Power can be channelled into opening a Transdimensional Gate. 3rd impact can come early and Shinji Ikari doesn't get to decide to branch off the final transmigration/unification of humanity due to sheer lack of self-assurance. Problems of morality [obviously obviated later due to the eschatological effectiveness of 3rd impact] can be discussed as Asuka has long discussions with the Führer's secretary while he is busy ranting with his generals.
THE END!
Bruce Willis is simultaneously transported into the past and future, to analyze himself as a little kid who's had horrible dreams ever since pretending to fall down a well or witnessing a horrible crime (results confidential per NHS medical records requirements, sorry). Finding a futuristic Amish girl played by Andy McDowell who's the only one to have a baggy woolen zipperless spacesuit instead of the Rihanna skin tight fetish outfits more common to the time, he convinces her to break out of her cloistered past by singing out-of-tune early 60's R&B. When terrorists occupy the clinic, Willis is left with no choice but to befriend a black person via electronic communication while he & McDowell hide in a closet, and the plot is set. The audience is given test-o-meters to vote on when he will yell "Yippie-ki-yay" (yes, they can vote via Facebook too), while painstakingly, the resourceful McDowell finds a pitchfork, melds it into a samurai sword, and teaches Willis to fight off the terrorists' laser ray guns and tommy guns, making parrot noises the whole time. Frustrated with the slow Amish way, he finds a half-open can of C-4 plastic explosive and proceeds to blow the building to all fuck. As building burns and sirens wail, he turns to camera and says, "Zed really is dead this time", and credits roll.
What about the film where the hero is the typical 'this looks normal doesnt it" long haired IT 'geek' who finally, in a brave and far reaching move, switches off his computers (*shock*), leaves his bedroom / server room (*horror*) and goes forth in an attempt to hold a non-computer 30 second plus conversation with anyone.
Certificate 18
A cast of Cruise and Carrey is enough to seal the deal; the plot was just icing on the cake. Best worst for sure.
As for Koyaaniqatsi II, I'm all for it, with one edit: no voiceover (none in the original, IIRC), and have Fran do the song, without a trace of irony. It will leave the audience wondering what the artist's intent is: a refutation of the words of the song?, or final proof of beauty's ability to transcend ugliness? Seen in its true form, is our industrial society not fundamentally a thing of beauty; even, perhaps, a work of art?
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How about a a movie were William Shatner is teaching his son Keanu Reeves hows to be a Karate master. He has to fight the evil Karate master Dolph Lundgren and his son Dustin Diamon.
Jean-Claude will be Shatters brother and Kenu's uncle. Steven Seagal will be Dolph's evil army buddy.
Directed by Micheal bay and Spike Lee. Written by the writers of SNL. Crappy enough yet?
How about a a movie were William Shatner is teaching his son Keanu Reeves hows to be a Karate master. He has to fight the evil Karate master Dolph Lundgren and his son Dustin Diamon.
Jean-Claude will be Shatters brother and Kenu's uncle. Steven Seagal will be Dolph's evil army buddy.
Directed by Micheal bay and Spike Lee. Written by the writers of SNL. Crappy enough yet?
Nope. You forgot music by Justin Bieber
I did start sketching an outline for a screenplay where the hero was some sort of exiled Englishman living in Spain.
The unlikely plot revolved round this chap building paper aircraft in his garden shed, in a bid to get one into space. The trouble was that although I tried to add interest to the plot by making the central character keep donkeys, it didn't really work.
It just all seemed a little too far fetched really.
A demented Australian billionaire uses his super powers (loads of cash) to take over a small island nation near Europe. He corrupts law enforcement and spies on the families of people in the news. When the government finally succumbs to his wrinkly tentacles the island nation is destroyed. The Monster is last seen wading out to sea headed West.
There are plans to make a film based on the Uncharted games.
With a different cast.
These games are pretty film like so it is a silly idea.
Fans of the game are horrified by the idea.
That said there are 3 films on Youtube made out of cut scenes and gameplay