back to article So what's the worst movie NEVER made?

Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth …

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  1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

    Phantom Menace - The Musical

    Director - still Spielberg

    Creative Director - Elton John

    Anakin - Justin Bieber

    Amidala - Barbara Streisand

    Jar-Jar Binks - Eddie Murphy

  2. Nicholas EGF Berry
    Devil

    My entry

    You don't need more than the title - "Mel Gibson's "The Life of Baal Shem Tov".

  3. Andrew Punch
    FAIL

    One word...

    Barbra

  4. MonkeyBot

    Top Gun 2: Wings of Fury

    'Nuff said.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Devil

      Re: Top Gun 2: Wings of Fury

      Don't you mean 'Wings of Furry'? That could make for some disturbing footage

  5. Jim 59

    Artificial Intelligence

    The only film I ever saw where the cinema audience audibly hated it. About 40 minutes from the end, the film seems on the point of ending. Audience relief is palpable and we are about to leave. When it didn't end, the audience jeered, only to be punished with another 40 minutes of tedium.

    Films that employ the worn out "robot wants to be a real person" theme are tiresome anyway (except for Terminator 2). Basically remakes of Pinocchio. Why would a robot want to be a human? Did the director think of addressing that ?

  6. lardheppus
    Happy

    How about a remake of The Long Good Friday Starring Danny De Vito?

  7. mafoo
    Trollface

    Anything Directed by Uwe Bol

    __________ Directed by Uwe Bol staring _____________ and _____________

  8. mego
    WTF?

    More than half of the films listed..

    Made profit in the $100m PLUS mark. Consider my personal bugbear: Twilight, dear god please make it stop: $392,616,625 - that's compared to a production budget of under $70m, making about 500% profit just from box office take alone (never mind merchandising, DVD sales, etc).

    I agree that to the layperson making profit isn't exactly a marker for how GOOD a film is, but I wouldn't be calling them "worst" anything if people are obviously willing to part with cash for it. Interesting fact: domestically Twilight made just under $200m. A movie ticket in the US for 2008 cost an average $7. That's approximately 29m people that saw the movie, based on average cost. There are ~400m people in the US. Around 1 in 12 people saw it. Yeah I didn't bother. Yeah I'm sick of the K Stew and Rob Pats crap. But that's some scary statistics for something we call worst movie no?

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  10. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    2012: Ice age.

  11. fzz

    criteria for worst

    Running screaming from the cinema implies the movie inspires me to some action. I'd think a better criteria for worst would be sucking viewers into a miasma of boredom, enervation and psychic despair that it sucks out all motivation leaving viewers unable to move or turn aside.

    In other words it has to get progressively worse as it goes on so viewers keep wondering whether it can get any worse.

    Anyway, how about a remake of 'My Dinner with Andre' but starring Eddie Murphy and Tom Cruise, with either playing either role.

  12. Gordon 8
    Facepalm

    Plots good, what about dialogue?

    Some good ideas for plot, but someone in the movie needs to say

    'I've got a bad feeling about this' (before the studio logo?)

    Opening credits James bond style, with the mini cliff hanger allowing Jar Jar not to get killed... or even Jar jar walking in front of the gun barrel and the bullet missing....

    The Muppets to sing backing vocals to Justin Beeber for the title track?

    Another possible plot

    Jaws, but with Goldfish.... 'Just when you thought is was safe to clean the fish tank'

  13. JDX Gold badge

    Ender's Game

    I reckon this could easily vie for the most over-anticipated film.

  14. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Steven Livingston Seagull

    An over-long concept piece about nothing in particular.

    Featuring a seabird that can't act and a soundtrack by Adele, which quickly sends the bird into a state of total depression. He It is rescued by by a transcendental pigeon that teaches Steven the simple pleasures of pooping on statues. He learns that forgiveness is the key to growing as a bird, but flies off on a search to dive-bomb Adele, instead.

  15. quarky
    Coat

    Lewis Page in...

    A race against time for Lewis to convince people that journalists know more then climatologists about the climate. Shot in 80's style, which cheesy music, freeze-frame effects, and plenty of rubbish special effects, and of course Lewis completely and utterly misinterpreting even the most basic whitepapers.

    The ending is a race against time after Lewis is buried under an avalanche of his own making (from print outs from conspiracy sites), and he is rescued just in time to be mocked in public again as he gets his next article into El Reg.

  16. thenim

    okay, okay okay.. how about this...

    The story (has to be plausible to attract the names & therefore the the suckers to view it):

    He's the boy next door, they are the adopted sisters next door. And the staple of bollywood movies, it's a love triangle. One sister is in love with the boy, but the boy is in love with the other sister. It's a rom-com with a twist...

    Characters:

    The boy next door - Eddie Murphy in a fat suit (a role he will be well familiar with)

    The first sister - Adam Sandler in a fat suit (the sister who is in love with the boy)

    The second sister - Martin Lawrence in a fat suit (the sister the boy is in love with)

    Directed by:

    Uwe Boll

    Twist at the end:

    Woopie Goldberg is the mother who gave the second sister and the boy up for adoption - i.e. they are brother and sister, turns up inexplicably looking for them. And they all find out - film ends on the horror of it...

    It's gotta be worth a Razzie...

  17. Bush_rat
    Trollface

    Human Centipede: Infinity Sydrome

    Set in modern day, a mad scientist, inspired by other Human Centipedes, has hatched a plan to sew together 10 men and women ass to mouth, creating a circle.

    This loop will feed itself and accelerate fecal matter so fast as to create an infinite supply of energy.

  18. David Lawrence

    Another one....

    While on the subject of bad films, Paycheck with Ben Afflict and Uma Thermidor sticks in my memory for all the wrong reasons. On IMDB fans have given it 6.5 out of 10 which is stunningly generous. Nothing too much wrong with the storyline itself but jeez the wooden acting (Uma in particular) and other crimes, such as poor dubbing (a tinny two-stroke single engine sound when our hero is riding a 1000cc twin-cyliner 4-stroke BMW??????) linger in my memory long after the good bits were forgotten.

    I also thought Broken Arrow was a stinker for similar reasons.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Worst Movie of a Lifetime (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes)

    1. Planet 9...........doesn't rate as bad science fiction. -- don't think i have had the pleasuer

    2. Attack of the Killer Klowns..........a circus horror show -- i thought it was killer klowns from outer space? not possible to be 2 different movies?

    3. Earth Girls are Easy............a lot of hard post teen bodies.....plot forgettable -- yep, 20 somethings.

    4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.......can't even remember the plot.

    Based on the number of posting related to musical numbers, some members might think this is the most brilliant movie they have every seen.

    I just loved the politically incorrect humor.

  20. Big_Boomer Silver badge
    Gimp

    iHuman

    The titles at both ends feature the superb track "Oh Superman" by Laurie Anderson.

    Music in the movie to be provided by Leonard Cohen, Morrisey, and ColdPlay.

    Storyline is that of a Human who is persuaded by the evil corporation Pear to spend all his money on their shiny-shinies to such an extent that he ends up being owned by Pear and forced to work in a megafactory run by that exploiter of the masses, Wolfcon.

    In the final scene he commits suicide by slitting his wrists with a broken piece of Pear glass and his body drops onto the rubbish mountain outside the factory.

    FanEmos will love it, but everyone else will stay away in droves.

  21. haloburn

    Titanic – On Ice

    Turns out Leonardo de’craprio’s character didn’t die at the end of Titanic, instead he was frozen in ice for 100 years and defrosted by Nazi’s who have been hiding in a secret arctic base since the end of the second world war.

    He is forced to make a series of ever more alarmist propaganda films about catastrophic man made global warming the Nazi’s are secretly delivering to the Nazi controlled world governments.

    The Nazi base is like willy wonka’s chocolate factory and years of inbreeding have turned the Nazi’s into short fat bald people led by Adolf Hitler the 3rd played by Jack Black, there are lots of comical song and dance routines done on ice by ice skating Nazis.

    De’craprio escapes and tries to make his way to the west by stowing away on a cruise liner that is on a voyage to commemorate 100 year sinking of the Titanic, only the boat hits an iceberg and sinks.

    Directed by James Cameron.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Rose, Died, and was Living

    In a world where vampires have devoured all living creatures, a vampire family has abandoned their home on Earth to search the galaxy for food. While in space the matriarch of the family, Rose, gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. Their happiness is short lived, however, when they discover the new child is allergic to blood. The family must find a way to keep their new child alive, find sustenance for themselves, and spread the word of vampire Jesus -- all while being attacked by space vampire-vampires that drink vampire blood and can fly through space without a space-ship or anything. Oh and also the hot teenage daughter is in love with the scrawny boy from the rival family that went to space to find space Jesus. Rated PG due to lack of violence and nudity. Starring Kirk Cameron in all roles. Directed by Kirk Cameron.

  23. proto-robbie
    Devil

    There's surely some mileage...

    ...in a cross-conceptual synthesis of The King's Speech, Conan the Barbarian and The Shining, with Sylvester Stallone as Colon, who needs to acquire language skills before marrying Princess Whoopi and assuming the throne. Anne Robinson (Red Sonja) provides slight temptation for the hero and Gordon Ramsay reprises his day job as the speech therapist who turns oh so bad.

    I'd like to bring Nicholas Cage in somewhere, but thousands wouldn't.

  24. Nick The Geek
    Linux

    Slightly past the deadline (story of my life)

    Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle: obviously intended to kill the franchise

    Howard The Duck. Need I say more other that it made Orville look like Charlton Heston

  25. Andus McCoatover
    Windows

    Worst NEVER made?

    That'll be me starring in a porno movie. Unfortunately, the 'script' is much too short for any use...

    Oh, well. Another can of tramp-juice.

  26. SusanY
    Mushroom

    Neon Genesis Evangelion: Live Action Fanservice edition

    Director: Alex Cox

    Shinji Ikari (Cate Blanchett in drag) is a whiny loser who is bullied at school. Luckily for Shinji, all his bullying problems come to an end when robots from outer space invade Earth and his former classmates are incinerated in an atomic blast. Even better for Shinji, the Christian lady who rescues him the ruins (Linda Fiorentino) is really foxy, and has an interest in boys his age. It turns out that Shinji's father Gendo (Michael Myers) has a really cool underground hideout with robots and guns and stuff. While there he meets Asuku Langley Soraya (Miranda Richardson), who is really into blowing stuff up, even though she's a girl. But even though he kind of likes Asuka, he really wants Rei Ayanami (Tina Fey) because she's a clone of his mom, and having it off with her would be like doing it with his mom. Sadly, Shinji's luck comes to a end when the Japanese Interior Ministry (not know for their efficiency or competence) finally figure out that Gendo is an Evil Genius, and send in Harry Dean Stanton. More stuff gets blown up, and people get killed.

  27. RustyK9 V0.1
    Terminator

    Sir's

    With respect, what have you guys been smoking...

    Disney's John Carter interpretation of science fantasy novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs “Princess of Mars”, has to be at the bottom of the barrel....

    It's painful to watch...

    'B Grade - Extra minus'

    ps – sorry for late submission

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