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Where to implant my employee microchip? I have the ideal location

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: Sounds like someone

Sorry for the down vote, but that joke is so bad, and I am feeling a little chippy.......

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Sounds like someone

Hence the Soft Cell video at the bottom of my column.

tiggity Silver badge

loose flaps

We have a basic (non RFID, non magnet etc) cat flap.

If an interloper cat is deranged enough to enter

One (or more) of the resident cats will either have their wicked way with the interloper* and / or rip it to shreds.

.. Not 100% perfect - we did accidentally acquire an extra female cat as alpha male took a shine to her and so other cats were not allowed to hassle her (she became de facto alpha female) and she ended up moving in as she preferred the conditions at our place! .. but at least that system reaches a happy equilibrium.

CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

Re: loose flaps

If an interloper cat is deranged enough to enter One (or more) of the resident cats will either have their wicked way with the interloper* and / or rip it to shreds.

Sadly, our two males are getting too old for this[1]. However, since Junior Female has reached the age of 1, intrusions by strange cats[2] has decreased noticably..

[1] Senior male cat was never too interested in fighting - he made friends with every cat[2] around and simply couldn't be bothered. Junior male (the ginger of very little brain) saw what bosscat was doing and did likewise. Away from the house however, he was perfectly up for a scrap. But he too is getting a bit old for that.

[2] We have a neighbour who has a number of cats, including an intact male[3] that she neglected to neuter. Since un-neutered males are the top of the cat social ladder, our neutered males won't stand up to him. However, female cats generally don't worry about male social standing and so our senior and junior female cats[4] are both prepared to shred him whenever they see him.

[3] Said un-neutered male has decided to become a stray. As I've said before, cats simply won't stay somewhere where they are not happy (or at least, not if given the option to leave).

[4] Oddly, both black cats. Senior is 7.5kg, junior (being only a year old) is 2.5kg. But still prepared to lay down the law if required.

CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

One of our cats (the autistic calico one) will use the usual location of the cat tray whether it's there or not[1]. And (if it's not) will still scrape at the carpet, trying in vain to cover over what she's just.. deposited.

We tried putting a plastic cover there permanently so that at least the stuff would stay on the plastic until we could clean it up but her claws are sharp enough to penetrate most flexible plastics and so the liquids just ended up seeping through un-noticed.

[1] Every so often we take it away to give it a good clean[2]. As in 'boiling water with detergent[3]' cleaning, followed by rinsing with lots of fresh water. And, of course, that seems to be the time that her digestive system really, really has to lighten itself..

[2] Even using good wood-pellet[4] cat litter, the urine smell builds up over time. And she won't use the tray if it smells of anything other than wood-pellet cat litter and cat waste.

[3] See above. We tried bleach - she refused to use the tray (and we had to replace it). We tried the various things like nilodour that claim to take away smells - she won't use the tray. The above is the only thing that will both clean the tray and ensure that she uses it afterwards.

[4] Her siblings went o other people - one of whom came cabk to us to say that they wouldn't use the cat trays. We gave them some of the wood pellet cat litter and the cats started to use the tray properly. So that whole brood may be somewhat autistic. Our *hates* change - even moving her favourite bed slightly will mean she won't use it. And, when she wants to go out, she insists on *me* opening the cat door[5] - if my wife tries, the cat won't go out.

[5] Another of her oddities - she'll come *in* the cat door, but refuses[6] to go out unless I open it for her.

[6] She did use it of her own accord one - but that was because she was being chased by an interloper male cat. Who was being chased by our dog..

Alister Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

Blimey! Are you Pterry re-incarnate?

I've never seen so many footnotes. (No, not even on AFP).

Wellyboot Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'


+1 for Brilliant use of nesting to the point of incomprehension :)

CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

I've never seen so many footnotes. (No, not even on AFP).

One tries. As a former lurker on AFP myself I like to think I'm keeping alive a great tradition..

CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

+1 for Brilliant use of nesting to the point of incomprehension :)

Well, in a former life I was a mainframe assembler programmer - old habits die hard.

David Roberts Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

@CrazyOldCatMan do what we do. Buy a second litter tray so one can be soaking whilst the other is in use.

Robert Carnegie Silver badge

Re: 'One day he'll give up and take a dump on my pillow instead'

The briefly seen post office cat in Pterry's "Making Money" comes to mind, whose habits don't take account of objects being displaced. I don't recall this in his "The Unadulterated Cat" so it must refer to a later observation, or, er, it wasn't the cat doing it?

Potemkine! Silver badge

Thank you for this column, it made the boring meeting I was trapped in a little shorter. Even if I had many difficulties to keep myself from having the same reaction as you had with the "date the model..." affirmation.

SVV Silver badge

For those with sufficiently low dignity that they will consent to being "chipped" like a pet

I recommend that you still carry an old card with you and appear to wave it over the sensor on the entrance door, even when it's actually detecting the chip in your hand.

That way, if anyone wishes to gain unauthorised access, they will rob you of the card, rather than your hand.

Random Bits of Carrion
Big Brother

Chips are so 20th century

We have facial recognition, eye evaluation, and multiple other biometric mechanisms. Why would anyone bother with implant of a chip other than secretive covert operation spy (movie stuff) for live satellite tracking.

Your phone is like an appendage (a dirty filthy appendage) with a chip or 3 already installed. Better yet... you never leave home without it! This is a win for so many... sign at the dotted line.

Doctor Syntax Silver badge

Re: Chips are so 20th century

"you never leave home without it"

I frequently leave home without it. I also frequently go back home leaving it in the car. It's a phone sufficiently dumb not to give rise to addiction.

Pascal Monett Silver badge

Re: Chips are so 20th century

We have facial recognition ? That is 100% reliable ? I think not. They are endlessly trying to make it work in airports, but we're not there yet.

Eye evaluation ? Do you work in a Level 4 bio lab ? Has anyone ever seen those outside of Hollywood films ? In theory they're great. In practice, they're nowhere.

Multiple other biometric mechanisms ? Really ? Which ones are actually used in your fictional universe ?

Please do realize that you are taking your documentation from the Science-Fiction section of the library.


Re: Chips are so 20th century

Biometrics are far more easily forged

I am going for a retinal scan in the hope that something has CHANGED.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Showing my age, back in my day when someone said management was putting something into an employee it meant the boss and his secretary.

How times move and management finding new ways to fuck the staff.

Semtex451 Silver badge

@ Dabbsy

I might have to frame this one.

Bloody brilliant.

Thank you.

Daedalus Silver badge

Everything old is new again

Regarding Dabbsy's likely preferred location for an implant, I can reveal that decades ago I worked at a company with contactless card readers for entry through the back door, outside of which were other vital facilities. Since the staff were mostly male, and the card reader was at just the right height for a back pocket, the Bum Bump Dance was far and away the most popular way of re-entering hell after a short stay in ablutionist heaven.

Daedalus Silver badge

Enter at rear

There's a reddit post from a security tester showing how to beat entry locks.

1. Find door outside which smokers congregate.

2. Create suitable incident to get somebody outside (like setting off a car alarm).

3. Pretending to be talking animatedly on cell phone, wait for door to open and dash inside.

After that, it's "adopt local color, make like a maint. guy etc." Infallible.


Re: Enter at rear


Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward


Man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and sitting in front of my computer at work didn't help my mood; until I read this, had a great laugh, feeling much better. Cheers Dabsy!

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward


Nice to see so many people taking the latest threat to our civil liberties by the globalists ever so seriously.

Refuse these damn things. Or do you want to be tracked like a chipped animal for the rest of your life?

Perhaps the globalist cabal should get chipped themselves, get their babies vaccinated multiple times, eat genetically modified food and drink fluoridated water every day? Breathe in the same crap and be subjected to the same plastic infested rubbish we end up ingesting.

Stop experimenting on us, experiment on your 1% useless worthless murdering selves.

Leave the rest of us 99% alone.

To those of you sniggering at me - don't bother calling me a tin foil hat conspiracist, stick to being docile sheep. Just as the globalists want you. Keep watching the trash on TV. Consume. Comply. Stay dumb.

Let the rest of us stay awake to this. Anyone else awake, let's keep up the struggle against this evil.

Pascal Monett Silver badge

Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

Wow. You'd almost think that chipping employees has become mainstream overnight.

You need to calm down, your blood pressure is going to kill you before you reach 40.

John Brown (no body) Silver badge

Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

@AC, You are Mr Robot and ICM£5

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: Oh dear. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

The whole point is to resist before it reaches critical mass.

Once it becomes mainstream, it will be much harder to turn it down. You will have a choice of having a job and being chipped, or being unemployed, because you have very few options left unless you have a chip.

It's the same with smart meters.

Best to fight it whilst it's a minority feature within employers.

Otherwise, it will be too late.

This post has been deleted by its author

hellwig Silver badge

Forced to Fail

If you don't fail, how will you ever gain the attention of the higher ups? Your successes are always going to be claimed by your supervisor, failure is all you are left with.


A new line from Amazon

Foil gloves anyone?



“I've got a revelation for you, beware of the one who's number is six and six and six.“

Taking per annum inflation into account, the number to be beware of is in order of 1E42.


worrying, the prospect of malignant cancer at the site of the implant

...upside is buying chemo contactless at Boots will be easier


Parse the word

Chips are just like finger print passwords you can only change them so many times either through lack of options [ten digits] or by continually mutilating the employees to replace the chips. The other problem is a memorised [or not] password isn't open to others just randomly scanning either your chip or the fingerprints so openly left on all objects you touch..

As for Cats mine consistently attempts to open the fish food and eat it.........and just as consistently regurgitates it up on the carpet

Herby Silver badge


Have trained us humans to care for them pretty nicely.

The cat I had before I had the cat flappy door would jump on my bed then wander over to the sliding glass door and await my opening of it. The clawing of the screen door was the signal to be let back in. I was perfectly trained.

Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

Choice of implant location?

under the finger nail, middle finger please.



Re: Choice of implant location?

Earlier this year, I got myself a bad splinter under the nail of the middle finger. At the hospital, they removed the nail to do a proper cleansing. After that, I had 2 months of fun showing my wounded middle finger around.


Severed hand?

There seems to be no mention of the #mafia# or similar removing said hand to gain access to the nuclear bunker.



Alistair, this is brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.


I worked for a large organisation which I will not mention, but they had a very sophisticated RFID tag based security system that required you to tap-in as you moved around the campus and there were tag-operated self-opening/closing security gates at all of the perimeter

It was an extremely comprehensive system that met all of the latest technical requirements for system-security but had one massive flaw; other than these gates, the campus was surrounded by a wall that you could simply step over!!


Theres always some whistle blower wants to fan the flames because of a minor flaw

Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

Doubtless RFID-blocking gloves will become a fashion statement.

Robert Carnegie Silver badge

Open doors first time with this one trick

I've said before, I think, that my external experience of these things, mainly in a building that's been demolished so I am not bang up to date, supports a belief that a fixed transmitter has to ping, the portable key bit has to pong, the transaction has to be completed while the ponger is extremely close to the pinger and they don't show you where the pinger is or when it is pinging. So...

One device - a time clock - required a disc glued to a stripeless card to be held to a particular spot on the clock for 1 full second. So that's what I did, but I glued the disc to my phone and photographed the time clock as well, afterwards, so that I could tell I'd done it - there was nothing to stop me forgetting.

On another, for doors - same building - I converted the keyring tag thing into a finger ring, by cutting off the rim of a bottle top I think then securely taping that to the tag bit. Then the technique was to walk towards the door while sweeping the ring hand at just the right speed past the pinger so that a ping happened somewhere within range and it unlocked the door, usually, before I walked into it.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Faulure is extremely valuable

In political and corporate circles.,

How many of El Reg's Remoaner readership would be actually pleased if Theresa May had actually delivered on her rhetoric or even the job description

"Leave Mean Leave."

"I will reduce immigration."

Sometimes you need a bloody minded thick skinned lying two face incompetent failure to urinate all over democracy to make sure that your pensions, careers, and profits are safe.

£39bn buys a LOT of politicians and media tarts.

Robert Carnegie Silver badge

Re: Faulure is extremely valuable

If David Cameron had left the EU when the referendum told him to, then by now we could be already applying to get back in.


Continuous Upgrades

Can't wait to have a bi-annual chip upgrade inserted into the company Doctor's preferred location...


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