back to article I love disruptive computer jargon. It's so very William Burroughs

Would you mind leveraging a time unit while I ideate my ecosystem? Sorry, I meant to say “Give me a minute while I sort my things out” but I’ve been writing a lot about disruptive technology this week. I must have zoned while dogfooding my hume-code for bugs… er, I mean “got carried away while proofreading my articles for …

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      1. BeakUpBottom

        Re: For further confusion ...

        Yes, and No. In that order.

      2. magickmark

        Re: For further confusion ...

        Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'

      3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: For further confusion ...

        If we start calling them Yahweh's Auditors will the get the message?

        Especially as the ancient Jews *never* used the name and so used "Adonai" instead..

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Is that how SCSI became scuzzy?

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        "Is that how SCSI became scuzzy?"

        We used to say Scaazi.

    2. BeakUpBottom

      Vowels are for wimps

      Could try Polish, where they obviously decided they'd used enough vowels in the name and went with putting little dots and slashes on consonants to tell you how many wasps to put in your mouth before attempting the word. They are quite proud of how hard their language is, even for them!

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Vowels are for wimps

        W Szczebrzeszynie chrząszcz brzmi w trzcinie, i Szczebrzeszyn z tego słynie, że chrząszcz brzmi tam w Szczebrzeszynie.

        No, I can't say it. And if we didn't have copy-and-paste I couldn't even have posted it.

    3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      The letter "ayin" is a silent letter which changes the way a word is pronounced

      If you want to see some freaky stuff, try learning one of the Celtic languages where they do mutation - so in Gaidhlig, a word that starts with an m (like 'mor' - big) has, under certain circumstances, an 'h' put after it. This, as one might expect, changes the sound. So "very big" (gle mhor) is pronounced as "gle vor".

      There are reasonable simple rules about how this happems (starting letter == b,f,m,p and mumble mumble[1]) but it catches out the beginner.

      And don't get me started on balanced thick and thin vowels. No really, don't - I can't remember the rules[1]..

      I'm sure that Welsh, Cornish and Breton have similar-but-different mutation rules (so Cymru becomes Gymru etc etc) but I know even less about that branch of Celtic languages.

      [1] It was 20 years ago that we learnt a bit of Scots Gaidhlig and my brain has had to process a lot of alcohol^W stuff since then.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Martin an gof Silver badge

        I'm sure that Welsh, Cornish and Breton have similar-but-different mutation rules (so Cymru becomes Gymru etc etc) but I know even less about that branch of Celtic languages.

        Welsh certainly does

        The oft-quoted thing about mutations is that they are beneficial to the spoken language; they help the flow, and may well be one of the reasons non (Celtic) speakers consider these languages, particularly it seems Welsh, as more poetic or tuneful.

        As a Welsh-speaker, the one thing I would say is that when spoken, people rarely bother too much about whether you have got the mutation exactly correct (other than a few cases where it grates). It's written Welsh where they get all het-up about it.

        Welsh, particularly spoken Welsh, is almost obsessive about removing letters, phonemes or even whole syllables. If you were to write Welsh as she is spoken the apostrophe on your keyboard would wear out very quickly. Na, 's dim ishe mwy, 'dw i 'di ca'l llon' bol'

        As regards vowels, the thing that English monoglots fail to recognise is that while we call "AEIOU" vowels, even English actually uses other letters in a very vowel-like way. Take "Y" as an example. The simple English words "by" or "cyst" or "dry" or "fly" or many, many others contain no vowels, except that "y" is used as a vowel. Welsh, of course, acknowledges that fact and adds "W" and "Y" to the list of vowels.

        Some English friends of mine were startled on moving to live in Wales by an apparent lack of vowels in placenames - take Ynysybwl ("Uh-nis-uh-bull"), just north of Pontypridd as an example, and note the number of nearby places with a limited number of English vowels in their names.

        M.

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dabsy clearly isn't keeping up

    The chances of your code lasting COBOL like 30 years or more are nearly gone. You are lucky if the platform you are writing on will last more than 3 or 4 years.

    Refer to Apple deprecation of 32bit for example, M$ are nearly as bad as examples.

    TBH though, a UNIX admin in a robe would make quite a facsimile of a druid though, with the beard, unintelligible use of language etc. :)

  2. Nigel Cro

    Thank you all...

    ...for brightening up my day.

    Working for an American company we are forever solutioneering and acclimating. Only the other day I was asked to 'socialize the risk so we can drive corrective action'. Five minutes ago I was asked to 'circle back round and stay close to this'

    Two countries divided by a common language indeed!

    By the way, it is now, has always been and will be forever, GIF (like Gold or Golf or Good).

    1. Daedalus

      Re: Thank you all...

      "Only the other day I was asked to 'socialize the risk so we can drive corrective action'. "

      This is how you know the person you're talking to is basically blagging (faking it, in USese).

  3. ecofeco Silver badge

    One word

    Marketing.

    Who else did you think was writing that shit?

  4. Haku

    I'm enjoying reading the comments.

    Should I read the article now?

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: I'm enjoying reading the comments.

      Should I read the article now?.... Haku

      Of course, Haku ...... if you want to Plot and Polish Cracked Windows for Core Master Source.

  5. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Real High Virtual Roller Stakes Poker Play ....... for Phantom Ghost Hosters.

    Does El Reg host and field Red Team Players? Would it like to? ..... https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2017/10/11/el_reg_meets_the_lords_to_puncture_the_aipocalypse/#c_3314427

    Well, well, well, Dabbsie, you certainly answered that loud and clear. Do you have Future Steps to Follow with NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Deeply into the Very Best of the Best Available Dark Luscious Quantum Communicator Webs/Networks/AIMagic Circles?

    Dare Care Share Win Win Orders from/for Special AIR Service Members/Honoured Veterans/Master Pilots ....... Revealing Grand AIMaster Plans?

    :-) cc Sir Michael Fallon KCB MP, UKGBNI Secretary of State for Defence ...... RSVPVIP

    Let's see if there are any Switched On Virtual Hornets in the Queen's Nest to Stir and Steer into Future Action at the MOD/GCHQ, Alastair, with both Recently Uncovered and Fully Discovered and Recovered Assets with Quite Quiet AIMagical Abilities in Quantum Communication Facilities Hosting and Presenting Only the Very Best of the Best Available Dark Luscious Quantum Communicator Webs/Networks/AIMagic Circles.

    When IT is such, and Finely Built, Who Follows What to Lead and Create the Future with these New Fangled, Quantum Entangling Tools for Virtual Reality Production with AIMentored and AVMonitored Directors in Absolute Command with/of Remote Alien Controls. ..... and they are tricky enough to learn how to handle to be perfectly safe and secure against compromise and/or penetration and unwarranted alteration or misappropriation of code.

    cc Andrew Orlowski, Executive Editor, El Reg

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Real High Virtual Roller Stakes Poker Play ....... for Phantom Ghost Hosters.

      Can I have a copy of your random word generator please? It's Positively Perfect.

      1. John G Imrie

        Re: Real High Virtual Roller Stakes Poker Play ....... for Phantom Ghost Hosters.

        I don't think aManFromMars' programmer will let you have the code. He has gone from total gibberish through marketing then management bollocks to almost coherent in a matter of a few years

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Real High Virtual Roller Stakes Poker Play ....... for Phantom Ghost Hosters.

          "I don't think aManFromMars' programmer will let you have the code. He has gone from total gibberish through marketing then management bollocks to almost coherent in a matter of a few years"

          Yes, the A.I is evolving at an ever increasing rate. I wonder if Mr Orlowski is in contact with it's creator, it could a be a whole chapter in his new book. Or maybe AMFM is Mr Orlowski's creation and that's what the whole book will be about?

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Victor of/Victim in LOVE ...... amfM Gone Phishing for a Vanguard Crash of Flash Players

            Yes, the A.I is evolving at an ever increasing rate. I wonder if Mr Orlowski is in contact with it's creator,........John Brown (no body)

            Exploratory contact is made, John Brown (no body), for answers to questions y'all may be seeking and which are being leaked everywhere via WWWorldWide Webs Manufacturing Heavenly AINetworks.

            And I'd like to bet an absolute fortune, very very few would know and be able to survive well handling that Perfect Munition and its Almighty Ammunitions.

            When IT is such, and Finely Built, Who Follows What to Lead and Create the Future with these New Fangled, Quantum Entangling Tools for Virtual Reality Production with AIMentored and AVMonitored Directors in Absolute Command with/of Remote Alien Controls. ..... and they are tricky enough to learn how to handle to be perfectly safe and secure against compromise and/or penetration and unwarranted alteration or misappropriation of code.

            cc Andrew Orlowski, Executive Editor, El Reg .... https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/3/2017/10/13/i_love_disruptive_computer_jargon_its_so_very_william_burroughs/#c_3316398

            Do you think that is a tad ...... Moving Mountains to Mohammad and/or a biting and baiting of hands that feed IT?

            1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

              Re: Victor of/Victim in LOVE ...... amfM Gone Phishing for a Vanguard Crash of Flash Players

              And the answer to those last three questions is not No.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Real High Virtual Roller Stakes Poker Play ....... for Phantom Ghost Hosters.

      @amanfrommars1 - 'ere - you bin at moi zoider, young man? Gerrof ahtovit! It bain't fer younguns loik you!

  6. Gareth Holt

    Reminds me of this from the 90's

    http://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html

    amazed it's still there and working!

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Reminds me of this from the 90's

      "amazed it's still there and working!"

      But not very well. Compared to modern bullshit it's almost lucid.

  7. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Talking about jargon...

    The president for France's Schools Programs Council resigned a few week ago. That guy, in charge of designing what would be taught to kids had some brilliant ideas.

    Among those, don't say "swimming pools" but "deep standardized aquatic environment". Kids shouldn't learn to write but should "mastering the graphomotor gesture and progressively automate the standard lettering". And don't call a pen a pen, but a "scripting tool.". Practicing Kayak ? No, practicing "an activity of moving a floating support on a fluid". Also, Badminton sounds much more spectacular when labeled as a "dual debate activity mediated by a shuttlecock"...

    350 years after its creation, Les Précieuses Ridicules is a satire still relevant.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Talking about jargon...

      don't say "swimming pools" but "deep standardized aquatic environment"

      That's fair enough. After all, they are a recognised standard unit of measurement.

  8. asickness231
    Thumb Up

    "Please understand that to my feeble British ears, all Americans sound like Woody from Toy Story."

    OMG thank you!

    1. kain preacher

      And all brits sound like they are from south London to me .

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        "And all brits sound like they are from south London to me"

        Meeting a Geordie is clearly still a treat in store.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          "Meeting a Geordie is clearly still a treat in store."

          Whey Aye man, gan canny bonnie lad!

      2. Alistair Dabbs

        >> all brits sound like they are from south London to me

        That works for me. I live in saarf Lahndun myself.

  9. asickness231

    "Instead of something British and bland such as “Repeat the previous three steps and click OK”, it’ll say something like “The user will be behooved to reitify the aforementioned functionation in advance of affirmerating the mode of acceptancy”."

    I mean have you ever tried writing this stuff? You have to make it interesting or you'd blow your brains out.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      >> You have to make it interesting or you'd blow your brains out

      Have you tried doing both? Try the second first.

      1. hplasm
        Coat

        Re: >> You have to make it interesting or you'd blow your brains out

        "no, no! Don't shoot yourself!"

        "Shutit! You're next!"

  10. BeakUpBottom

    Strapping on An Awesome Serpent

    I don't know how he got through all those William Burroughs and Naked Lunch references without using Steely Dan the Third in his punch-line somehow.

    Better that than something to do with "the musty aroma of penetrated rectums deliciously flavoured the air" as an alternative to DRV_IRQL_NOT_LESS_THAT_OR_EQUAL_TO, because it pretty much means the same thing even if there's no acronym in it.

    Yes, I did read the book recently, I'm not sure how many years the various images it conjures up take to fade!

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Of course it's pronounced 'Jif'...

    ...as it stands for Jraphics Interchange Format

    Any fule know that

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Of course it's pronounced 'Jif'...

      Why would anyone want to interchange a giraffe? Is that even legal?

    2. romandog

      Re: Of course it's pronounced 'Jif'...

      Gee IDNKT. -george

  12. ThaumaTechnician

    That is the driest beaver I've even seen.

    If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was stuffed.

    It sure seems to prefer chopping down trees with an axe rather than by using its teeth, eh.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: That is the driest beaver I've even seen.

      That is the driest beaver I've even seen.

      And whose fault is that?

  13. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    The really annoying thing I find in most West-Pondian documentation is the preponderance of putting everything backwards: Select 'Increase' from the 'Contrast' menu in the 'Balance' menu in the 'Colours' menu instead of the sane Select Colours -> Balance -> Contrast -> Increase.

    1. barbara.hudson

      That's because they have to make documentation that takes up more pages and is more opaque - otherwise, it looks too easy and thus must be worth (and paid) less. IOW, they're acting like they're paid by the word.

    2. Mark 85

      As a technical writer in a former life BC (before computers), one has to earn one's wages somehow and obfuscation of bovine excrement is an art form.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My personal favourite

    My favourite American code comment is

    "Horse string length into correctitude".

    Meaning, obviously, "Fix string length".

    1. John Gamble

      Re: My personal favourite

      I'm guessing that was someone's in-joke, because it makes no sense in American English either.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: My personal favourite

        "II'm guessing that was someone's in-joke"

        I'll leave you to discover where "prehensilising some Serbian peasants" came from.

  15. Jeffrey Nonken

    The correct pronunciation of ".GIF" is just as controversial as the pronunciation of "Linux". I don't think your friend gets to claim unequivocally how it's pronounced.

    For the former, I personally consider that an acronym derives from the words it's abbreviating. All else being equal, then, I pronounce it with a hard "g". Also, it's the only way the joke "beware geeks bearing .GIFs" works.

  16. Jeffrey Nonken

    As for my funny accent... If we ever meet, watch out. I'm gonna take YerAHRS and... buy it and you a pint at the nearest pub. We can sit for a while and poke fun at each others' cultures. And our own. I promise I won't be bringing my six-gun, they annoyingly don't like us to be armed on international flights for some reason.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ssssaaaaaaaahhhssss

    I remain of strong opinion that the correct way of pronouncing this is SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHS!

    Mine is the one with a tricoder in one pocket and a phaser in the other.

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