back to article Must listen: We've found the real Bastard Operator From Hell

Nobody likes having to deal with cold calls to the office. But when you're manning the IT help desk, you have no choice but to pick up the phone – even when it's a pushy sales pitch. So what to do about those annoying calls from over-enthusiastic sales staff itching to shift their technology wares? One spectacularly …

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  1. da
    Devil

    Yes. This is good. Certainly.

    But I tell you... I could make a better audio than this. I could make it as nail-curling as natwest https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qbz95LdqMko

    ... crossed with squarepusher https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-nnHdj8fRg.

    Complete with a labyrinth of numbered options yes.

    Press 1 for more options, 2 to go back to where you were before, 3 for sales, 4 for... sales, 5 for... sales, 6 for legal.

    There are no options, it just beeps at you like the button has been pressed for you.

    Also, occasionally, like radio interference, there's a person saying "hello... hello... yes... that sounds great... you're cutting out... is anybody there?... is ANYBODY THERE?... hang on, let me transfer you to the other line"

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The only flaw here

    Genius idea but it's worth noting that it won't be quite the deterrent you might expect.

    Cold callers know that their job is worse than useless to the world at large and typically hate it. Except for the few who manage to turn luck or banter into money the rest are looking for any way possible to appear to be productive without being told to eff off 40 times an hour.

    An indefinitely long phone call which you can legitimately put down to waiting on hold is perfect for padding the numbers, dreadful music or not.

    Expect regular repeat visits from some poor souls who are on 'x hours per week of call time' type metrics.

  3. Richard Pennington 1

    Florence Foster Jenkins

    There's a new film out (this month) about this diva ... probably the worst singer ever to grace Carnegie Hall.

    There are nine surviving recordings of her in action. Any one of them would finish off most callers.

  4. Kamilion Schnook of Second Life

    Passenger Of Shit would have been better...

    Ah, this reminds me so much of

    https://soundcloud.com/yungese/play-that-fucking-track

    How can so many horrible sources sound so good...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    kind of related

    A large dutch semiconductors companies IT help line phone number is 6666.

    It gave me a good chuckle.

  6. martin_b

    You Sir are a Genius!

  7. Jucking Fidiot

    Perhaps too good?

    OH DEAR GOD! I wept from the the sheer beauty of it! I could actually taste the colors, and smell the notes!

    My only worry would be sales types who actually liked that fecal rendition, and tied up our lines by calling back. A tune only a sales person _could_ love.

  8. dougkiwi

    I enjoyed it.

    I listened to the whole thing while getting through my morning emails. I spent the first half of it giggling. While listening to the second half, where the deep nuanced message of the artist(s) is revealed, I came to understand the nature of most of the emails that I receive.

  9. dougkiwi

    There is a much worse way to torture somebody on hold ...

    1) Play a song that is very good, something you can really get into, and ...

    2) Interrupt it every 10 seconds to remind the caller how important their call is.

  10. Stuart21551

    "playing the most obnoxious music over and over again"

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but a certain VLFI (Very Large Financial Institution) in HK holds the patents on that.

    Getting on 20 years now.

  11. HKmk23

    Great

    I don't suppose you could do a voice over in French? They are just getting their heads around cold calls here and ring at all hours.....

  12. Hoe

    Awesome!

    This is a must have for any phone system, getting setup first thing Tuesday!

    Just a shame I cant use it in the blocking software on my mobile too!

  13. Hoe

    Alternative...

    Please some great hits, the kind people want to sing along too, but message over all of the good bits, so get people right into it then just as it gets going, then drill them with the pain and suffering of meaning less looped recorded messages! :)

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The only thing keeping me from recommending this at work is ...

    The risk that an actual customer might get ground up in these gears. A remote chance, I know, but it'd be a terrible thing.

  15. Marty McFly Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Ummm...wow

    The tenacity of sales reps who LIE in order to get through to someone is deserving of this tactic. Those sales reps give the software sales industry a bad rap.

    However, to arbitrarily treat all sales reps this way is a real dick move. It is the real world and sometimes the SHTF. When it does and you need help this instant to keep your business running, you will be happy that you took a few of those sales calls. That way you have the relationships in place to expeditiously solve your problem.

  16. leocomerford

    "You are ... Number 9. ... in the queue. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9 ..."

  17. Ken-in-Houston

    Sprained my eardrum!

    I think I sprained my eardrum trying to listen to that!

  18. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    Could be eviller....

    The wait time is always 3 seconds. It should start at 5 minutes, then get less with each repeat until with 30 seconds to go - it resets back to 5 minutes

  19. Bernard M. Orwell

    It's been "blocked by my organisation"

    ...so I've asked my network chaps to unblock it under the category "essential business tools".

  20. Paul Woodhouse

    verra verra niiice...

  21. Snipp

    You darn IT guys

    Qualifies as epic in my world. This one goes out to all you mid-tear IT drones who are inundated with sales calls you're not even allowed to approve.

  22. laird cummings
    Go

    Max Headroom with a head cold...

    Wow. What an utterly horrible fate. Couldn't happen to a more deserving set of folks.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ramp it up with flashy Lights!

    Totally need to add an ALGO sip strobe or similar to this thing and mount it on the ceiling, let the queue ring/flash the strobe and every one in the office can be entertained while watching them be "burned in hell" with a good estimate of how long they stayed there.

  24. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    Working great so far

    I did get our phone guys to create extension 6666 and set this as the announcement. I've used it probably a dozen times since the summer, and never once have any of the sales callers dared to call back. Although...maybe they're still on hold. I should go check.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Whenever this happened in the office

    (Some years ago) we'd gather round the C*O at the time who'd come up with creative ways to keep the salesperson busy. Sometime's we'd pass the call around through 5-10 people, great fun, anon for reasons. (Disclaimer: only for shifty unsolicited sales calls)

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