So what's the worst movie NEVER made?

Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

The majesty of Imperial Rome and the beauty of the Nile reimagined as life on a 1970s Dagenham Council estate starring Leslie Grantham and Katie Price.

Young Jesus; Bethlehem 90210

Justin Beiber playing Jesus during his formative teens. We get to witness his school days, and the highjinks he and his chums get up to, (aptly acted by the TOWIE and The Hills cast). We also get a glimpse into the troubled angst that only the son of god can experiance, the issues that not having a a dad around can cause, and the loves and conquests of our lord and savoiur. The film ends with the Bethlehem High Prom, where our hero pops his cherry with Mary Magdelaine (played by Milly Cyrus), and manages to teach the local "Jockjews" a lesson they will never forget.

Young Jesus: Bethlehem 90210 coming soon to a cinema near you!

Untitled.

The scene, it’s the future and mankind has destroyed almost the entire planet through a sudden and unexpected mass explosion caused by boob implants going bang, which really surprised the global warming people. Unknown at the time the implants actually contained a weird virus which turns everyone that comes in to contact with the silicone gel into nympho zombies. The film plays out with an unlikely group of (Z list celebs) people who hate each other trying to find a cure to the virus before they end up becoming mindless, sex crazed zombies.

Half way through the film there is a sudden twist in the development, it turns out that the virus isn’t natural but actually made by dolphins so the group of people have to find a way to save the earth from the dolphins, forgetting totally about the zombies who are not mentioned again in the script.

Towards the end of the film there is another twist, it turns out that the leader of the group is actually the son of the dolphin who created the virus in the first place, we then find out the reason the dolphins create the virus was because they were picking up digital TV signals and the constant barrage of BGT and X-Factor and all the other “talent” shows were slowly driving them insane, it then becomes a mad rush for them to get to the TV control centre and turn off the signals so the dolphins can regain their sanity and go back to their fight against the aliens who were invading the oceans.

When they get to the TV station there is a gratuitous sex scene written by the winner of the bad sex awards, during the scene the womans boobs explode, the end.

Director: George Lucas.

Bad director remakes

I live in fear of the wrong directors being invited to remake classic movies,

can you imagine, for example:

A remake of Psycho directed by Michael Bay

A remake of Free Willy directed by Quentin Tarantio

or worst of all

A remake of Star Wars directed by George Lucas

Zach Snyder Directs...

Life With Archie No. 16

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/08/just-married-archie-comics-first-gay-character-weds-doctor-beau/

I'm sure he would do a faithful and sensitive handling of the source material.

My entry

"Jar Jar Christmas Spectacular -- Jar Jar on Ice!"

It's a musical!

Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

Kelley Osbourne (voiced by Joe Pasquale) stars as a self-entitled teen judge, who was never accepted by her peers. She embarks on a cosmic voyage in a the space ship ‘Caterwaul’ to conduct a sensational trial in the stars. She is tasked with representing herself against herself (voiced by Jeremy Kyle) after a hilarious mix up with a teleport machine. She is supported by a wise cracking Spider Monkey called ‘Mr.Funk’ who is a CGI rendition of herself tweaked into Monkey form (voiced by Janet Streep Porter).

Heading a long winded distress call (voiced by William Hague) she lands on Iceland (a planet made from abandoned Iceland supermarkets launched into space). As she works her way through the thousand year old Sausage Rolls, over the course of 25 horrific minutes, she is attacked by a tiny crab like creature with ten faces (all Kelley Osbourne’s) which implants a tiny version of herself into herself (voiced by Salt of Salt n’ Peppa fame).

While on the planet she meets an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike (played by herself, voiced by Morgan Freeman) with whom she has a romantic fling but can never decide if he likes her or the constant smell of mechanically recovered pork meat.

The plot is a rollercoaster ride to acquit herself of a crime she can’t remember if she did or not before she hatches from herself in what the ships Android version of herself (voiced by Chris Rock) has predicted will be ‘like a bag of shit exploding from a grotesque Russian Doll’.

The director is Ezio Greggio

Patent Wars-The Movie

Sick and tired of the constant patent litigation the US voters call on Congress to create an alternative to patent litigation. The result is an arena wherein teams of executives face off in battles to the death. The winner wins the patent for their company. Directed by Michael Bay.

My favorite book turned into my worse movie.

Starship Troopers.

"Keys to the City: The Terry Childs storey"

The true storey of the brave operator who fought a city and won!

A Cathryn Bigelow docudrama

Written by Salmon Rushdie, based on the Rush Limbuagh article

Starring Mel Gibson, Eddy Murphy and Mia Farrow

Starring: Ricky Gervais.

Directed by: " "

Screenplay by: " "

Adapted from an original story by: " "

Synopsis: [Does it really make any difference?]

Beware of test audiences

From Bill Hicks, Revelations:

"They removed the lesbian sex scenes from basic Instinct because it didn't play well with the audience at test screenings... ... ... Well, I wasn't in that test screening... ...If I had been, it would have been nothing BUT lesbian sex scenes .. Michael Douglas: "Hey, wasn't I supposed to be in that movie?" I'm sorry Mike, I've just watched the entire film and I don't recall your seeing your scrawny ass"

Green Lantern

No, not the one that actually got made.

I refer to the one that didn't make it... the one with Jack Black. Which would've been the kind of movie you'd see Jack Black in.

Also, any of the Seuss books that hasn't been made a movie ... starring Mike Myers.

My Nominations

Avatar 2

Return of Avatar

The Revenge of the Avatar

Son of Avatar

Avatar Reloaded

The Brides of Avatar

Avatar the Musical

Avatar Vs Mechagodzilla

The everyday story

of when Jean Luc Picard deadliest enemy assimilate a Melbourne Suburb...

Come on everybody sing along..

Neighborgs, everybody needs good neighborgs,....

All Good Films need

a good book to base them on; so it stands to reason you need a REALLY bad book to stand a chance of winning this comp.

I nominate "ET and The Green Planet" as the worst piece of drivel I have ever read. I have even kept a copy and re-read every 5 years or so, just so I can confirm how bad it is.

Chuckle Brothers

This film is set in London during the Olympics, the first 45 minutes of the film focuses of a guy called Chuck (Barry Elliott), we have flash backs of his past where he was a tin miner in Cornwall, how he met his first love (Barry – Paul Elliott) down the tin mine and how he proposed to his love under a star covered night on the beach, how they fought against homophobic prejudice but remained committed to their love for each other. After 45 minutes a meteor comes through the Earth’s atmosphere and kills Chuck.

The next 15 minutes is a flashback from the comets (Keanu Reeves) perspective as it flies through space, contemplating loneliness, slowly building up its rage against the inevitable fate that will befall it before deciding to become a homicidal comet.

The next 45 minutes shows us how Barry comes to terms with the death of Chuck and how he came to forgive the comet, they then end up having a weird affair where Chuck confirms his undying love for the comet that killed his first, true love.

The next 20 minutes is a legal drama where Barry and Comet try to get their love recognised so they can have a civil partnership, the judge (Brian Blessed) shouts lots about random stuff before finally agreeing that Barry and the Comet can have a civil partnership.

The end of the movie is the twist, the comet is arrested for the murder of Chuck and attempts to escape the country with Barry, they get on a boat (Kieria Knightly) and sail off towards America, on the way they hit an ice berg, it takes 4 hours to sink, we watch all 4 hours.

Director: George Lucas.

Why tamper with perfection?

An attempted "remake" of "Casablanca"...and-- as if it were possible, worse-- in color.

Like that frame-for-frame "remake" of "Psycho".

Ultimate in suspense.

A group of teenagers arrive at a secluded cabin for a post-graduation night of drinking and debauchery in the woods.

No one dies. They talk about stupid things, listen to awful music, and alternately cry, hug, and argue about inconsequential stuff. The beer is watery crap and everyone ends up puking and passing out.

The captain of the football team awakes the next morning...next to a naked, ugly...girl? Guy? (camera fades to black)

Directed by Richard Curtis.

Avatar you can see the steam comming of it

and the 3d was poor too

"Wilde"

but with Lord Alfred Douglas played by a girl. (Don't laugh, I remember it being joked about on Parkinson as being suggested by an american movie exec).

Terminator 8

Paris Hilton as a specially produced terminator model must travel back in time to seduce the fathers of the team who will one day be the founders of the greatest threat to world peace ever. After castrating each of them with her special equipment, those not paying attention are reminded that the only entity seeking world peace in Terminator films is Skynet and she just banged humanity to death. The End.

Avatard

I really don't want to describe what this movie would be about. OK, there's a machine, hooks up to folks with "normal" brains and then...no, I really can't finish this.

"Based on the popular game..."

"Twister" - nothing about the weather, just a tense thriller where a former circus contortionist turned detective learns who is the mysterious person sending apparently coded messages that have everyone moving in all directions at once.

"Mousetrap" - someone has taken an early bath! A fiendishly complex chain of evens traps a seemingly unimportant worker in a large organisation - a small cog in a big machine... Who did it? Why did they use a boot? How could they have been sure it would work?

"Mousetrap II" - same plot as before, but with three traps that start with the story being flushed away. And most of the new sets are flimsy and one dimensional...

"Hungry Hungry Hippos" - scientists breed a new super-intelligent multi-coloured hippo species in a floating lab in Lake Victoria, in an attempt to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, obesity and bad dental work. The hippos rebel, cut off communications with the mainland and begin to pick off the scientists one by one.

"Monopoly" - the story of a humble cobbler who makes a fortune through clever licensing deals and becomes the bane of everyone's lives when he tries to make money for the idea of a hole through which a single string-like binding device can be passed. Tries to justify this "Loads Of Dosh System" by claiming rights back through a continuous line of shoe-makers in his family right back to the Lower Palaeolithic Era (a load of old cobblers).

"Battleships" - an effects-laden action special set in the near future where huge floating warships of the United States of Earth take on alien invaders. When the fleet flagship is sunk all seems lost, but with a growl of "You've sunk my battleship", the fleet commander and his trusted half-dressed female SExecutive Officer fire up a spirit of determination in the remaining crew to just about make the audience forget that they've wasted 2 hours 70 minutes of their lives watching this epic fail struggle.

Hang on - the last one seems to have been made already...