back to article Here lies /^v.+b$/i

After I've gone In a melancholy mood, this week. Went back home to have a look at Dad's bench. He was a Classics scholar, actually; went up to Cambridge and everything. And so above his name and dates on the brass plaque screwed into the wood, instead of "He loved this place" or something equally fatuous, it says: ORE STABIT …

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  1. kevin mulholland
    Angel

    If you believe in some form of afterlife and event programming

    when ('trumpet call') rise_to_heaven() ;

    when( 'rebirth') become_ant() ;

    when( 'zombie apocalypse') eat_brains() ;

    etc.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You all are too late in the game

    You are all too late: let's move earlier in the process:

    all: verity

    verity: mom pop

    pop --impregnate mom

    mom --birth $@

    $@ --live

    rm $@

  3. Graham Bartlett

    @John Gamble

    Maybe ADA works for you. For me, I'm throwing null pointer exceptions all the time, frequently caught by watchdog timeouts from my wife, but other times resulting in further failures up the fault tree. No way am I an ADA program!

    1. John Gamble

      Re: @John Gamble

      I've never programmed in ADA myself, but you can't deny its history.

      And once you've passed, you're history.

  4. Ben Holmes
    Happy

    Not strictly a language, but...

    PEBKAC

    might be fun.

    1. Jedit Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      I always preferred PICNIC

      "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer". s/"Chair"/"Coffin", and the job's a good 'un.

  5. DZ-Jay

    A little CP-1610 ASM, please

    STATE EQU $3EF

    L_STATE STRUCT 0

    @@Birth EQU 0

    @@Youth EQU 1

    @@Adult EQU 2

    @@MidLife EQU 3

    @@Senior EQU 4

    @@OldLoon EQU 5

    @@Dead EQU -1

    ENDS

    ; =====================================

    END_OF_LIFE PROC

    MVII #L_STATE.Dead, R0 ; \_ Update state

    MVO R0, STATE ; /

    HLT ; He's dead, Jim.

    ENDP

  6. James Wheeler

    In APL

    <-Verity

    where the "<-" is meant as APL's left-pointing arrow (inexpressible in plain text but readily carved into granite) signifying the assignment operator. With no name to the left, the operator simply absorbs the value of Stob into the bit bucket. This is useful because to speak a name in APL, a la

    Verity

    is to summon its value to be displayed on the output stream, even if said value is an array with 93 dimensions and 111 levels of nesting and requires more than available memory to format.

  7. Cave Dweller
    Windows

    User feedback…

    Stob.exe has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

  8. Tchou
    Pint

    What about

    a liberation :

    free(self);

    or a

    (void *) self.

  9. Kev Beeley
    Stop

    In the filestream of life...

    cat life | sed 's/is/was/g' > afterlife

  10. Keith Oborn

    While

    Old tale from ICL on the use of "while". Code written in Bracknell wouldn't run in West Gorton (Manchester). The compiler was written and maintained in Manchester.

    Now, in southern thinking "while" means "during" or "until" so "do x during the period y is true"

    In Lancashire, it means "when", so "don't do x until y happens"

    You can see the source of confusion.

  11. ratfox

    How about some spaghetti?

    goto :end

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't have to show you any stinkin' titles!

    a.) #include <corpse.h>

    b.)

    do {

    // real life args...

    } while ($alive == '1');

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Let's make this a little more interesting guys!

    Obfuscated code epitaphs!

  14. 404
    Pint

    fsck.exe

    Did nothing, successfully.

    ;)

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      WTF?

      Re: fsck.exe

      fsck on Windows? That'll be the day.

      < See icon.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Reincarnation?

    On Error Resume Next

  16. Maty

    I'll go for

    if

    life=0

    wait X

    run 'system_reboot.exe'

    end

  17. Maty

    And since someone will want to know

    Ore stabit fortis arare placet ore stat

    Literally

    'It will stand away from the mouth, the strong love to plough, it stands away from the mouth.'

  18. Brian Miller

    Abacus

    Do something completely different, and make your headstone a granite abacus. It's the only calculation engine that will still be running eons from now.

  19. Swallowtail

    mIRC

    set %life $null

  20. tirk

    Buddhists

    Buddhists obviously expect to issue the equivalent of the DOS TSR. The rest of us have to get by with a few CALLs.

    1. Nigel 11

      For Buddhists

      water.return(water)

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good old FORTRAN

    STOP

    END

  22. /dev/me

    fi;esac;done

    exit ${status:-0}

  23. Hatless Pemberty
    Go

    Use the best tool for the job; try Gossip

    "She's dead now, you know"*

    Also, somewhat relevant: http://xkcd.com/599/

    * God, aren't we in a morbid mood today.

    ** Where's the RIP icon? Is it pining for the fjords, etc?

  24. Alister

    Object reference not set to an instance of an object

    That is all

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Headmaster

    "I can hardly be called upon to compose my own epitaph."

    But it *has* been done:

    "Here lies one whose name is writ on water"

  26. Caff

    JCL just looks silly.........

    //LIFE JOB (1111,GOD,01),

    // CLASS=A,

    // MSGCLASS=1,

    // REGION=0M,

    /*LOGONID GOD

    //***********************************************

    //CREATE EXEC PGM=BIRTH,PARM='/STA PGM VERITY'

    //SYSOUT DD FREE=CLOSE,SYSOUT=*

    //**********************************************

    //*************************************

    //WAITABIT EXEC PGM=ILACWAIT,COND=(0,NE),PARM=&LIFE

    //SYSOUT DD FREE=CLOSE,SYSOUT=*

    //*

    //****************************************************

    //DEATH EXEC IPJCLCMD,PRM='/CANCEL VERITY

    //**********************************************************'

  27. Gio Ciampa

    I'll stick with (though it sounds a tad aggressive)

    KILL VERITY

    (Ideal if you've perished as a result of MUMPS)

  28. OviB

    pascal for me but D's not russian

    You may want to check again the nationality of that D language book - he's definitely not russian.

  29. bazza Silver badge

    Iain M Banks?

    c:\>restore.exe a: c:\*.*

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can't beat ...

    I told you I was ill (Spike Milligan rip)

  31. Glenn Booth
    Black Helicopters

    Obfuscated Perl - obviously

    Then we can have our very own little "Da Vinci Code" style drama, with which to celebrate Ms Stobs' demise.

  32. Gwaptiva

    What? No XML?

    </life>

  33. Camilla Smythe

    Is it possible to define yourself before your life is over?

    procedure World.Stob(Sender: TStob);

    begin

    with Sender as Verity_Stob do

    begin

    -;

    -;

    -;

    done;

    //Please update the type definition to suit. Thanks.

    end.

  34. poezzz

    I remember someone posting something like this in a newsgroup as an obituary.

    int man = 5;

    int devil = 0;

    int god = 0;

    monkey_t *monkey = new monkey_t;;

    if (man == 5) {

    devil = 6;

    }

    if (devil == 6) {

    god = 7;

    }

    heaven(monkey);

  35. Stuart Gepp

    Guess the OS

    $ EXIT 452

  36. Paul 75
    Mushroom

    Symbian

    User::Leave( KErrDied );

  37. Bigpatc
    Alert

    End of Line

    DROP DATABASE Stob_Verity;

  38. M Gale

    Well you could go reverse polish

    : have "Currently having " swap concat ;

    : fun "fun" ;

    : main 1 while "#somechannel" fun have say endwhile ;

    I like easy to read though, so how about something less obscure?

    def have(something)

    puts "Currently having #{something}"

    end

    def fun

    "fun"

    end

    alive = true

    have fun while alive

  39. Paul 75
    Coffee/keyboard

    simples

    delete stob;

    stop = NULL;

  40. Dr Paul Taylor

    Second coming

    There are those who study "continuations" aka "control effects". In the continuation-passing style, which is used for compiling functional programming languages suich as (NJS)ML, the "continuation" aka return address is passed as an argument, as it is in Assembly code.

    It is therefore possible that the continuation may be called once, never or even more than once.

    When I first heard of this it reminded me of the restoration of the English Monarchy in 1660, when all of the signatories of Charles I's death warrant were declared traitors and hanged. Those that had died in the meantime were dug up first.

  41. Synonymous Howard

    Z80

    HALT

    hang about in limbo only to resurrected by an interrupt

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Trollface

    gg

    printf("gg\n");

  43. sylviechen
    Linux

    ADA is a good candidate

    Don't forget about ADA

    use VStrings;

    Index : Integer; --number of items in memory

    Success : Boolean; --determines success of delete

    ItemToDelete : Recording; --requested item to be deleted

    begin

    Ada.Text_IO.Put ("Enter Item To Delete => ");

    Ada.Text_IO.Skip_Line;

    VStrings.IO.Get_Line (Item => ItemToDelete.Name,

    MaxLength => MaxLineLength);

    Index := 1;

    Success := False;

  44. iamzippy

    MASM

    ASSUME NOTHING

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    for the (real) oldies

    OUT := IF IS_GOODY2SHOES(DAM_STOB) THEN GOING_UP ELSE UHOH END;

    OUT(OUT(DAM_STOB));

  46. Matt Bucknall

    Just a bit of BASH will do for me.

    sudo rm -rf /*

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