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Now Europe wants a four-million-quid AI-powered lie detector at border checkpoints

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden...

You still think Deckard was human.

That's cute.

Alister
Silver badge

fingerprinting, palm vein scanning and face matching

...and the anal probe, fecal sample, urine sample, saliva sample, blood sample, and one of your kidneys...

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

At Acme industries, we have invented an exploding anal probe for detecting terrorists. It is so effective, it can detect people that are at the very early stages of becoming terrorists.

It is 100% effective at preventing potential terrorists entering a country via entry points protected with the device.

While the product is effective, it is messy and we are investigating ways of reducing the unwanted waste - Project Solyant Brown is looking very promising...

Caution: this may result in a drop in tourism numbers but also reduces the demand for additional runways at airports which politicians (well, the ones that don't travel abroad...) will appreciate too.

GruntyMcPugh
Silver badge

@Alister; "...and the anal probe, fecal sample, urine sample, saliva sample, blood sample, and one of your kidneys..."

If I'm in a hurry, can I just leave them my underpants?

Alister
Silver badge

@Grunty McPugh

It worries me that you might have both saliva and blood traces in your underpants - not to mention a kidney!

Perhaps a visit to your physician is in order?

:)

phuzz
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Joke

"via entry points protected with the device."

Surely if it's an anal probe it's actually deployed in exit points?

Pen-y-gors
Silver badge

@Alister

It worries me that you might have both saliva and blood traces in your underpants - not to mention a kidney!

It might be someone else's saliva? And those Farmers can be a real pain in the whatsit.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

The anal probe sounds about right as some people call them "aliens".

bombastic bob
Silver badge
Trollface

"..and the anal probe, fecal sample, urine sample, saliva sample, blood sample, and one of your kidneys..."

you forgot one.

Alister
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you forgot one.

But that would be sexist...

;)

cantankerous swineherd
Silver badge

if they've got one of your kidneys in it you're good to go.

rmason
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Good luck!

Good luck to the approx 1 in 4 people that suffer from depression or anxiety, or both, or similar. Those not particularly over the moon about returning home from a holiday, etc etc.

What could go wrong?

other than everyone when they use said 5 million pound algorithm to reduce staffing levels I mean.

Aladdin Sane
Silver badge

Re: Good luck!

People with ASD who don't make eye contact. Or make too much eye contact.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: Good luck!

"People with ASD who don't make eye contact."

My thoughts exactly. And having a child with high functioning ASD has helped me become aware that although there are extremes of the autism spectrum, a lot of people (including myself) probably sit on the spectrum somewhere and simply don't even know it.

Spazturtle
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Re: Good luck!

It's become acceptable to discriminate against autistic people again so politicians won't care about that.

Yet Another Anonymous coward
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Re: Good luck!

>1 in 4 people that suffer from depression or anxiety, or both, or similar.

They will automatically be detected as British and allowed in.

Anyone showing signs of happiness, contentment and enthusiasm is obviously a foreigner (probably Australian) or weido (ie Australian) and will be blocked

Aladdin Sane
Silver badge
Joke

Re: Good luck!

So it WILL keep out the criminal element then?

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: Good luck!

"They will automatically be detected as British and allowed in."

....until May may make Great Britain again and exit the continental communautarity.

MachDiamond
Silver badge

Re: Good luck!

"Anyone showing signs of happiness, contentment and enthusiasm is obviously a foreigner (probably Australian) or weido (ie Australian) and will be blocked"

Full marks!

Sgt_Oddball
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Dreaming of electronic sheep...

So now border guards are going to be blade runners?

In that case let me tell you about my mother....

The Central Scrutinizer

Re: Dreaming of electronic sheep...

Here, have an origami crane... oops, too late....

Warm Braw
Silver badge

If Britain goes through with Brexit...

... perhaps the denizens of MMU will be hoist by their own petard?

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: If Britain goes through with Brexit...

Majority of denizens of MMU are EU nationals, so for them it's more like a "fuck you too!" gesture :)

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

flag 'suspicious' reactions

I hope they don't start lip-reading at airport security any time soon, those fuckers.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: flag 'suspicious' reactions

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that

Voland's right hand
Silver badge

Yeah sure

The EU says it is hoping to begin trials of the program soon at border crossing points in Hungary, Greece, and Latvia

Greek Border checkpoint: "Avrio is manana without a sense of urgency". I cannot see them bothering to check what's on the terminal screen as they run their checkpoints JOINTLY with their counterparts from other countries, f.e Bulgaria. They also leave the other guy do all the work.

Hungarian Border checkpoint: "Are you a Turk regardless of your stated passport nationality? Is your family name Turkish? Do you try to return a ham sandwich and ask for a cheese only version at service stations?". If the answers are all yes, you are up for a shake-down regardless of what the computer says. If the answers are no, the border guard waves you through with a bored face.

By the way - I drive through BOTH of these more than once a year and I have done it for years. I do it via different ones too - both huge like Horgos/Rozke and small ones in the middle of nowhere like Makaba. So this is based on statistically significant set of observations. The case with that reporter which was kicking refugees is not unique (as their high court decision on it goes to prove).

Loyal Commenter
Silver badge

Re: Yeah sure

"Avrio is manana without a sense of urgency"

And Metavrio is the day after that...

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

flag 'suspicious' reactions

first they came for suspicious reactions at the border...

Iain 14
Facepalm

Re: flag 'suspicious' reactions

"travelers will also be asked questions by a computer animated "border guard" that is localized to the traveler's language and ethnicity"

Well, they say that, but I can't help wondering just how localized they will be in practise.

One example from within the EU that springs to mind is Bulgaria, where even basic reactions like nodding your head don't always mean what you'd normally assume they mean...

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

I thought I'd never live to see something like this...

uncanny, how this scene reminds me of an airport lounge...

youtube.com/watch?v=flLoSxd2nNY

GruntyMcPugh
Silver badge

IPS

I travelled shortly after the automated passport scanners were deployed, and the experience was a bit crap. It failed to scan one friend's passport completely, so he had to join the queue for a regular inspection. Another friend was wearing a beanie (we were going snowboarding) so he had to remove that so his features could be scanned, he'd forgotten his shades were over the beanie, they went flying into the booth, so he bent down to pick them up, at which point the glass doors closed on his head. My passport scanned, I entered the booth area, and then didn't know what to do, as the screen hadn't popped up any instructions, being a bit slow.

So I'm a little skeptical some AI driven system is going to perform well enough to not annoy passengers.

Pascal Monett
Silver badge
Coat

Well it must be said that border patrol has never been there for passenger convenience.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Politicians

Politicians - a more suspicious group of people you could not hope to meet, furtive glances, refusing to directly respond to questions......

Obviously you wouldn't want to block this group of "dedicated, elected members".

So a whitelist held somewhere in the system? or a card that the individual could carry?

So how does a real bad person fake entry to the whitelist or get hold of a card ?

Marketing Hack
Silver badge
Facepalm

Well, if flagged travelers didn't have EU-related mayhem in mind before their selection

They probably will after getting strip-searched by the EU border rubber glove brigade!

Boris the Cockroach
Silver badge
Terminator

Once they've

got this working well enough (IE getting less than 90% false positives)

Its time for the next stage... replacing the border guards with automated border drones

"Drop the purple donkey... you have 20 seconds to comply"

"Drop the purple donkey or you will face lethal force.. you have 10 seconds to comply"

"Drop the purple donkey or you will be shot.. you have 5 seconds to comply"

"Non-compliance with order , you have been shot....... please enjoy the rest of your visit to the EU"

James 51
Silver badge
Big Brother

What happens if you have botox? Or neuropathy?

Anyone who 'invents' this kind of technology should have to read what Cory Doctorow had to say about a superfu detector.

MachDiamond
Silver badge

"What happens if you have botox? Or neuropathy?"

Kim Kardashian is almost universally recognized around the world.

spold
Bronze badge
Paris Hilton

AI...

Cmon for all the b€€lions this puppy is going to cost it's going to have some freaking fantastic AI abilities.... something like:

1. Determine entrant's claimed nationality

2. Present a variety of national food dishes to entrant

3. Recognise when entrant smiles at one

4. Compare claimed nationality to dish nationality - Bingo! (or not)

OK I could just train a hamster to do this but it wouldn't have a sexy AI tag giving it the cheap-at-half-the-price sticker - before tax and overruns of course (include virtual reality and/or blockchain and you could easily justify triple the cost )...

[Paris - this is going to be one expensive pussy]

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: AI...

national food dishes:

so for the UK a tandoori chicken or doner kebab

for the Dutch babi panggang and kip satay

Alister
Silver badge

Re: AI...

so for the UK a tandoori chicken

No, no, no, it's chicken tikka masala, isn't it?

mark l 2
Silver badge
Joke

I wish to visit your country to see a cathedral and its 132 metre spire.

Anonymous Coward
Joe Harrison
Silver badge

I'm feeling animated already

a computer animated "border guard" that is localized to the traveler's language and ethnicity

(formerly known as "Clippy")

Herring`

Lie detectors

The thing is, due to the media, a lot of the public seem to believe that such a thing as a lie detector exists. So a lot of people will believe that something like this could actually work - presumably including the people who stumped up the cash.

MAF

Electric sheep

Separate queue for suspected replicants?

Pen-y-gors
Silver badge

I hope it was a good lunch.

Looks like some politician or senior EU civil servant has been entertained to a very boozy lunch with a snake-oil salesman.

DCFusor
Silver badge

Two weeks!

Am I the only one here to recognize that picture of Arnold S in disguise at the Mars entry point in Total Recall?

for those who didn't see it, the head blows up after a glitch in its own AI gets stuck saying "two weeks" in response to the question of how long a stay is expected.

Yet Another Anonymous coward
Silver badge

British implementation

What is your name ?

What is your Quest?

What is the airspeed velocity of a fully laden swallow ?

Boris the Cockroach
Silver badge

Re: British implementation

African or european?

Alister
Silver badge

Re: British implementation

Boris, you were set up for that one...

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