Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing An elderly man's flatulence forced his flight to make an emergency stop after a fight broke out over his barrage of bottom burps. Passengers flying with budget Dutch airline Transavia from Dubai to Amsterdam were reportedly put out by the man's continued farting, and asked him to stop. But the man failed to hold it in, and …
"You've obviously never decided to cook baked bean and brussels sprout curry..."
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
I can fart like a cheese-eating beagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
Back in the day and when I were a lad, one of my mates (Hi Tony M) could fart at will and for extended periods. Eleven seconds was his record fart. (Boys will be boys and take delight in measuring things like that)
When we had a new teacher which was often a trainee he'd fart the whole lesson. He could fart for both sound and smell with a little notice.
Hi sons could do the same.
Sort of 'runs in the family'.
Hi Steve, nearly fell off my chair at the mention of my name - different Tony M though, I have no kids.
I have Crohn's Disease and at times can fart for Britain, though by the sound of it I'd have been trounced by your Tony. Farts on 'planes is the best fun :-) Icon for when I have explosive diarrhoea - hot, hot, hot!
"one of my mates [snip] could fart at will and for extended periods. Eleven seconds was his record fart"
I dunno if I've done 11 seconds, but I've been known to do something similar to the "Le Petomaine" act and fart out "shave and a haircut" - and if there's any leftovers I get the "two bits" in as well. Unfortunately can't do it "at will" but with MY typical 'old fart' gas production levels, it's frequent enough that it might as well be.
heh
I dunno if I've done 11 seconds, but I've been known to do something similar to the "Le Petomaine" act and fart out "shave and a haircut" -
My daughter did ludicrously long and musical farts when she was six or seven. You're not supposed to laugh but me and wife just could keep up the poker face. When she (girl) got a bit older and went to school she stopped doing them.
My alltime favorite was a midnight special, a short but very loud trump which woke my wife to sitting position but she didn't know what the ruckus was. One of the kids also woke up crying in the next room due to the bang.
AC...
I teach and whilst sitting in my classroom waiting for my form to arrive I took the opportunity to let rip with the hope it would dissipate in time.
No such luck. This was not one that would easily let go.
I could hear pupils down the corridor asking "what the F***s that smell", even when it was time for the class to enter for registration it was not making itself scarce and I was having problems keeping a straight face.
Eventually, I had to leave the room myself, if only not to crack up completely, having heard a plaintive cry from one little girl on the other side of the room "Oh God, my eyes are burning"
I had a friend visit to drop off something and asked to use the little room. He hadn't been looking too good and the smell lasted days. He came out holding his side and I asked if it hurt where his hand was and he claimed there was a sharp pain there. A few hours later he was missing an appendix.
I can confirm the claim from the A/C above that chemo can cause farts from hell. My mum is on chemo for her cancer & she's constantly complaining & farting about the side effects.
I can't complain much though, I rather enjoy not having a sense of smell anymore... although I hate it when my eyebrows catch fire. =-Jp
...that well-known travel game "Guff Chicken".
On any long car journey, roll up the windows and wait for someone to do a really horrible, smelly blow-off. Then, the last one still in the car is the winner!
This is just the more world championship level version. Getting a plane to land early? That's got to be right up there.
I was reminded of one of Henry II's favourite court Jesters.
Roland the Farter. I rather like the fact that he was given Hemingstone Manner and 30 acres in Suffolk, for his services. Presumably so nobody had to be too close to him...
His duties were to perform anally annually: "Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum" (one jump, one whistle, and one fart) for the King's court at Christmas.
I'm quoting Wiki here as I don't have access to the history book I read it in.
Le Petomane - a professional farter. He could play tunes with his rear end, squirt water and blow out candles.
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They probably can't work out the right dope tests to catch cheaters. Is there a test for vindaloo?
Top level sport has been a freak and drugs show for decades, and the days of "clean" amateurs excelling through grit and energy are long gone. Even now, there's a very strange prevalence of "therapeutic use exemptions" for many top athletes, and then you've got the state sponsored doping by the Ruskies and probably others. And a whole lot of research into "special diets" that don't fall foul of the tests.
So, personally, I;d take the freaks and drugs show to the next level, by having two parallel Olympics - Clean and Dirty. Dirty would be far more exciting and interesting, where ANY substance is permitted. And bringing this back to farting, the same would apply - vindaloo or chemicals I wouldn't mind - the spectacle and the performance are all that count and any drugs you like are welcome (like competitive cycling, I suppose). This could even lead to exciting new technologies that might trickle down to the amateur sportsmen, like visible farts, and then coloured, visible farts. Wouldn't that be ACE? Being able to crack off a paint-peeling stench in the lift at work, that hung round as thick yellow green miasma. Maybe even some nano-tech that kept the cloud coherent, so that it didn't easily disperse. Or stenches that don't fade away through reactive chemical decay, but linger for hours.
If there were money in my technological, entrepreneurial vision for the future of farting, I'd be as rich as Elon Musk.
You should try having some doting parent decide to change their precious darling child's nappy one row in front. I've never encountered farts so bad they'd be worse than that.
(Incidentally, since Concorde was retired we haven't had an airliner that would stagger up anywhere near 50,000 ft.)
In fact modern FAA regs require that any failure not result in exposing passengers to a cabin altitude above 40,000 feet for any length of time. That pretty effectively puts a 40,000 foot ceiling on passenger jet operation. There are exemptions, though; I think the A380 has one.
Having spent the weekend visiting a friend in hospital, who is on a ward where many patients don't have full control over their bodily functions, I can confidently say those who started this fight haven't even come close to knowing what an offensive smell in a confined space is.
I was left humbled by what nursing staff put up with all day every day, not only in medically caring for patients, but having respect and bolstering lost dignity.
Hunt and anyone else who doesn't appreciate the work nurses do should spend a day in their shoes or perhaps an hour in a cesspit.
"... should spend a day in their shoes or perhaps an hour in a cesspit."
The Cesspit is being far far too kind !!!
Spend the Day as a Nurse in a Geriatric Ward then say they are not worth *more* money & respect !!!
Also, don't forget the people who man/woman the numerous 'Care Homes' that are in a similar position but without the 'medical backup'.
These are the people who get to experience the worse end of the Human Lifecycle, the part that everyone would like to ignore. I have huge respect for the people who can do this day after day.
@Jason Bloomberg. THANK you.
My own mother is currently going thru the 'body's breaking down but the mind is still 100%' stage. The hell from the loss of dignity when she has to phone her 44 yr old son to say 'i've shit all over the carpet again' (she, being 86 doesn't use such words).... has to be seen to be believed. The tears in her eyes ... bah, ageing is only tolerated because it beats the alternative, for a while
So....he was asked to stop a bodily function. Utterly ridiculous. If he was farting that much then most likely he was having digestive issues and it was very likely beyond his control. What exactly what this guy supposed to do about it? I get that it's unpleasant, but I will never understand how doing something that you HAVE to do and have little choice about can possibly be rude.
Exactly. What next, blinking becomes illegal? Blowing ones nose is a terrorist threat? Vomiting is grounds for capital punishment? Belching gets you shot on sight?
The man had uncontrolled & probably painful flatulence, the flight crew should have tried to make him comfy in one of the lavatories rather than let the cretins next to him start in with the fisticuffs.
But what do I know, I'm just someone with a modicum of compassion...
7. Go For A Shit.
I am secretly impressed at someone having to be told off by the captain for farting. That's some kind of achievment, which will almost certainly be told many times at his wake. To have landed a flight because of it...... surely that's tombstone material right there.
Here lies Lucra Lout.
Devoted husband and father.
Born 19?? Died 20??
He once farted badly enough to cause a plane to land.
In flight attendant. "Your attention please, passengers. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the captain has now illuminated the no farting sign, so you'll have to hold it in until we have safely landed and the cabin doors have been opened."
In flight attendant. "Your attention please, passengers. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the captain has now illuminated the fasten-seatbelt sign; as we are encountering s spot of flatulence."
So a passenger, apparently overweight, was farting. This is of course very common and as already pointed out, cannot necessarily be helped.
I understand that the person in question may have been rude to crew or other passengers when asked to stop. Again, this would need to be put in the context of normal human reactions, especially if the person was distressed about the situation as could reasonably be expected.
Then some other passengers decide to attack the flatulent man for whatever reason, upon which the flight crew naturally divert the flight, in accordance with company procedure, I expect.
Then the man who was attacked, and some other passengers of the same nationality but who may or may not have been travelling with said man, were offloaded and given a "ban" by Transavia, the airline in question. These passengers were not arrested or charged since they had not committed any crimes under Austrian law.
The Dutch nationals who assaulted the other passenger however, did commit a crime (assault) under Austrian law. Yet those were neither offloaded nor penalised by the airline nor charged with anything.
One does not have enough elements to judge, other than hearsay and vague tabloid reports, but something (do pardon the pun) smells rotten here.
Not the farter himself
To bring a plane down with his bottom indicates a very high skill level and possibly some creativity, and therefore he may not have been a mere everyday farter.
If he were creative in his flatulence and making a statement, he'd be a fartist. If he were creative, but not making a statement, he'd be a fartisan. If he were not creative, but technically very skilled, he'd be a fartificer. And if he were moderately skilled and non-creative, he'd be a fartwright.
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