So what's the worst movie NEVER made? Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth …
This post has been deleted by its author
This would seem to be a terrible spectre of things to come:
At least the basic idea of an over-the-top movie about fairly ordinary English politicians. Back in the '80s, The Comic Strip did "Strike!", their version of the making of a Hollywood movie about the miner's strike, featuring Al Pacino as Arthur Scargill and Meryl Streep as his wife... (if only they'd had the foresight to cast her as Mrs. Thatcher!)
I'd suggest that a cimema version of Wagner's Ring Cycle has huge potentential as the worst film ever. It would help if the director han an ego even bigger than Wagner's and fancied himself as a conductor despite being tone deaf. It would help if the leading roles were taken by stars who couldn't sing. And it would help if it were relocated to a completely inappropriate place and time.
Not sure if the cinema version would be longer than the stage version, or edited down to 80 minutes. Perhaps the director made the former, ran out of money, and the studio released it cut down to the latter?
Paris cast as a fat lady who sings?
The trouble comes when you look at the visual content.
You've got dwarfs(dwarves), giants, gods, a dragon, beautiful warrior women, a bit of naughty nookie, a mountain shrouded with fire, and a huge cataclysm at the end.
And its naturally divided up into several parts.
Your plan could go horribly wrong and we'd end up making millions.
And of course we'd be competing against the majestic Bugs Bunny version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI
However, if this were to go ahead may I suggest Mel Gibson directing as he'd get the whole Wagnerian schtick, and for lead singer - well you need a viking who can belt out a tune (sort of) - brace yourself - Dolph Lundgren does Elvis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF6U2-_Dhw4
Maybe Bette Midler could spring for Brunhilde?
...in Gulf War 1.
Esentially the same script, with Nazi changed to Ayrab and Hitler to Hoosain. Col Hans Landa becomes Osama Bin Laden AKA " The Woman With Uncovered Hair Hunter", who is in persuit of renegade Saudi princess Shosanna Al-Dreyfuss. The other half of Branjelina plays Lt Alda Reine, who heads up and all-female multi-ethnic commando team whose characters are all based on their ethnic stereotypes. Bin Laden's survival at the end, albeit with a cock carved into his forehead, leaves the door open for an explosive sequel in New York and Afganistan.
But as this is all more believable and historically accurate than the Tarantino version it may not be bad enough an idea.
Especially if it were some kind of inverse of Being John Malkovich where everyone in the world turned into Cruise instead of anyone in the world being able to control John Malkovitch.
Millions of Tom Cruise's running like a twat with a grimace, hitting walls (give me frustration, Tom, yeah that's great), being smug-yet-cheesey, looking like a rodent and being all Scientological and perhaps discovering Xenu's remains in Atlantis...
An alien (Jar Jar Binks) escapes from prison through a time vortex to 1590s Verona and is followed by two agents (Vin Diesel and Jennifer Anniston) in an attempt to recapture him.
Meanwhile, Romeo (David Schwimmer) and Juliet (Kristen Stewart) go through the motions totally oblivious to the events surrounding them.
The time agents place cameras at multiple locations in an attempt to track Jar Jar. All footage for both story arcs is captured from these fixed cameras and the cameras the agents are wearing.
The future characters interact only with secondary past characters, but are instrumental in causing some past events, e.g. their use of stun guns causing some people to fight at less than their normal ability, delaying messages and thus in effect cause the tragedy of Romeo’s and Juliet’s deaths.
On returning to the future, the storage device used by the agents falls out of Vin Diesels's pocket, and in 2012 the footage gets decoded by scientists.
Directed by Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski.
Music by Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.
The idea of turning Neil Gaiman's classic graphic novels into a film was mooted many years ago. I remember the speculation about who should play Dream, with some suggesting Robert Smith of The Cure. Never mind that he's far too short (no offence to shorter people, but Dream is very tall), the whole idea was just terrible anyway.
This post has been deleted by its author
This post has been deleted by its author
I'm listening to the reading (Richard Coyle) of Shadows Over Innsmouth to cover the dreary drive to and fro work, and I have a feeling there's a fair bit of Lovercraft's work that could be bollocked up.
Not taking some of the basic ideas and making your own film. eg "Cthulhu vs Godzilla", "the Star Spawn who loved me" but trying to do justice by the reading-someone's-diary-twist-at-end stories.
i am overlooking the Herbert West: Reanimator films here for obvious reasons.
In which George "I made two good films, in the 1970s" Lucas directs, screenwrites, does all the set design and composes the score.
We discover why Jar-Jar Binks was exiled, although we wish he'd been messily executed to save him appearing in TPM, we follow Padme through queen school (in which she repeatedly fails to grasp quadratic equations until she learns a Jedi mind trick for solving them) and we experience the full misery of the Coruscant property price crash in 80 BBY, which is what turns Palpatine to the Dark Side - he had a big portfolio of buy-to-lets.
The CGI effects are ramped up a further notch for this one, so you can actually see what's happening inside Qui-Gon Jinn's bowels after he consumes a Bantha burger during an ill-advised night out in the fleshpots of Mos Eisley.
The Register 
Biting the hand that feeds IT
Copyright. All rights reserved © 1998–2024
