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Now you can tell someone to literally go f--k themselves over the internet: Remote-control mock-cock patent dies

Will Godfrey Silver badge
WTF?

The mind boggles

See title

Mark 85 Silver badge

Re: The mind boggles

As do other body parts. Oh wait, you said "boggles"....

Chris King Silver badge
Coat

Insert smutty joke here...

Given the age of the patent, that comes from the era of 3.5" floppies - 'nuff said !

(Coat, because El Reg doesn't have a "We've wounded people for better jokes than that" icon)

Korev Silver badge
Joke

Re: Insert smutty joke here...

Your computer might be floppy, but mine's got a big hard disc...

TRT Silver badge

Re: Insert smutty joke here...

8" floppy for me!

JoshOvki
Joke

Re: Insert smutty joke here...

Yours might be a big hard disc, but mine is always a solid state.

Skippyman

Re: Insert smutty joke here...

back in the good old networking says i used a token ring sniffer.

Johnny Canuck

Obviously, that patent came to early.

Arty Effem

"Obviously, that patent came to early."

Unlike your literacy.

Def Silver badge
Joke

So maybe we'll finally get something like this? 8==D

bombastic bob Silver badge
Joke

syntax error - you forgot the ; at the end

ma1010 Silver badge
Mushroom

This just underscores that patents are crap

Our current patent system is beyond broken. It doesn't protect or foster innovation, but rather stifles it. This particular instance probably hasn't been a major loss for the world, but how many individuals and small companies don't even bother to TRY these days? If I had a great idea for some invention, given the minefield of patent law and patent trolls out there, I'd most likely just say "screw it" and go fishing or something, because likely some assbag imagined something vaguely like it and filed a patent on "thing that does stuff."

It's a marvel that any innovation at all happens in today's toxic environment. I expect there will be less and less until they fix patent law. Patents should be issued ONLY for WORKING devices or manufacturing processes, not for vague ideas like "oh, you know, we could do some kind of Internet sex thingy, I think" and other such "business method" patents.

Death to patent trolls!

Keef

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

I sort of agree, but US patent law is the major problem, not patent law in general.

John Brown (no body) Silver badge

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

"This particular instance probably hasn't been a major loss for the world,"

True, but you just know that someone has resubmitted it with "on a mobile device" scrawled across it in red crayon and it'll probably get rubber stamped again.

Steve Evans

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

With US patents the rubber approval stamp is pretty much automatic.

They rely on them being challenged in court to weed out the crap ones.

Which of course is completely impractical for the small inventor/innovator, and only benefits lawyers.

Pat Att

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

Not really - the patent is US only, and so it doesn't stop anyone building on it in Europe over the last 20 years. People probably have (I don't know). And if you look at the claims, it's much more specific than what you say.

Pat Att

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

If you've ever tried to get a US patent you'd know that's bollocks. The US patent system isn't great, but they do not make it trivial to get patents granted.

eldakka Silver badge

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

With US patents the rubber approval stamp is pretty much automatic.

They rely on them being challenged in court to weed out the crap ones.

Which of course is completely impractical for the small inventor/innovator, and only benefits lawyers.

Where software/computer controlled devices are concerned, this isn't as true as it used to be.

Yes, during the late 90's and 00's (20 00's that is), the USPTO was granting patents that basically said "do this regular thing we've always been doing, but do it on a computer".

However, in the last 3-5 years there have been several cases handed down from the Supreme Court basically spanking the lower courts and USPTO for their acceptance of "on a computer" patents. The subject of a patent must be inventive, with or without an "on a computer" step. Taking something that already happens, even manually via filed paper work, and adding a computer system to do the same is no longer acceptable patent matter.

This returned the status quo to what is was prior to this 90's (or maybe late 80's) period. Accepting patents for software is an anomaly of the 90's/00's when the USPTO, unilaterally, decided to expand patent coverage. This is why software such as UNIX, MS-DOS, VMS, etc. never had patent protection, as it predated this period, so you couldn't get a patent for that sort of software. But the USPTO changed its mind in the 90's and started allowing it. Then in the early-mid 2010's the US Supreme Court disabused the USPTO and the patent appeals court of that notion.

The USPTO also introduced their inter partes patent review process, where, after paying the appropriate fee to the USPTO, a patent's validity can be challenged without a trial by basically asking the USPTO to have a second, harder look at the patent, based on additional information the requesting body has provided (there's no point asking for an inter partes review if you can't provide your own research/information to the USPTO).

Courts and bureaucracy are slow movers. So its taken a couple years for this to filter down. And with only a couple years to go (as of say a couple years ago) then no-one would have bothered to pro-actively try to get the patent in question here cancelled, if it could have been under the newer precedents, just wait a couple years and it has just expired anyway.

MaltaMaggot

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

"rubber stamping"....saucy

Version 1.0 Silver badge

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

The value of a patent is not to protect innovation, it's simple to have a piece of paper to wave at the VC when they want to invest in the company. Patents aren't crap, but they have no real function.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for the view I will offer a counter argument proposed by a US legal contact.

Where is your evidence that this actually results in less economically valid innovation whether you compare against some hypothetical or by comparison to less restrictive and less adverserial countries?

jelabarre59 Silver badge

Re: This just underscores that patents are crap

With US patents the rubber approval stamp is pretty much automatic.

They rely on them being challenged in court to weed out the crap ones.

I've thought one solution there (it would need other fixes implemented as well) whereby anyone who has submitted a patent, only to have it invalidated later, would then be able to get a 5X refund of their filing fees back from the USPTO. Enough of those and they'll find it necessary to actually DO their jobs or face their budget being wiped out.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

“Patent-handling”

*snigger* ;)

IceC0ld Bronze badge

premature celebrations

hhahahhahhahahahahahahaha

deep breath

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha

sorry, peurile and childish, but it tickled me... oops

gerdesj Silver badge
Holmes

Unencumbered by patents

https://buttplug.io - probably the best URL in the world.

It is probably NSFW but it is also a genuine open source project with a particular focus. The TLD choice is pure genius

Warm Braw Silver badge

Re: Unencumbered by patents

It's open sauce!

bombastic bob Silver badge
Devil

Re: Unencumbered by patents

says "implementation in C pound" - heh, not surprised, really

Ima Ballsy
Facepalm

Re: Unencumbered by patents

From their WebSite ....

Features

Implementations in C#, Javascript, and other popular languages.

Support for popular hardware brands, such as Kiiroo, Lovense, Erostek, and more.

Can support Bluetooth, USB, Serial, and Audio controlled toys.

Cross-platform libraries available for Desktop and Mobile.

Open Source with Permissive License (BSD 3-Clause)

The PUNS on this can be be endless .....

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Teledildonics

That is all.

Chairman of the Bored Silver badge

Damnit, Reg!

You're making me feel guilty about probing ports now.

Then again, I will say it again: the biggest threat to man is an independently wealthy woman with battery operated toys.

frank ly Silver badge

Ridiculous

That so called patent is just replacing a length of cable 'with a computer', 'over the internet'. Also, it's 'obvious to anyone skilled in the art', as the expression goes.

Mike 16 Bronze badge

Re: Ridiculous

@frank ly

Yeah, lots of prior art. A friend provided a pager set to vibrate to his girlfriend (back when pagers were still thing) to be worn in her knickers, so he could remind her of his thinking of her when both were at work. Their kids are in college now, so I suspect this would be prior art to a sane patent office.

Problems:

1) The USPTO only considers things it can find in its list of filed patents to be "prior art".

2) Apparently this eliminates quite a few things that are obvious to those reasonably skilled in the art.

3) Like you mention. take anything, no matter how common for centuries and add "with a computer" or "over the Internet"

eldakka Silver badge

Re: Ridiculous

@Mike 16, if you care enough, see this I posted in reply to another thread on this topic:

https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/containing/3591619

This post has been deleted by its author

bpfh

SMTP

Simple Massage Transfer Protocol...

MASSAGE FROM

RCPT TO

DATA

Header: (´intensity’:’11´;´duration’:´1800´;’livestream’:´true’)

.

250 Massage accepted for delivery

Phil W Silver badge

Re: SMTP

Massage payload delivered to box.

veti Silver badge

"Industry site SexTechLaw"?

You made that up, didn't you? Fortunately I'm reading this at home so I can Google it...

Wow. Talk about niche.

Grikath Silver badge

Re: "Industry site SexTechLaw"?

Not so niche when you look at the stats....

Worldwide turnover for sex toys is approxed at $20 billion for 2015, expected to rise to some $30 billion in 2020. And that's just the wiggly-buzzy stuff. Not even the rest of the mass-produced apparel used in the many, many fetishes that are so far documented. Note that the US is a major consumer of the stuff.

So yeah, if you can lock down a slice of the pie using the notoriously ...insane... US patent system, you're in the money. Not a chance of it in Europe, or most other places, but in the US.... ohboy...

So not so niche after all....

Ima Ballsy
Big Brother

Re: "Industry site SexTechLaw"?

"Note that the US is a major consumer of the stuff."

Yeah, unlike the rest of the world we just can't go out to our LOCAL sex/BSDM corner shop and pick up what we need.

Warm Braw Silver badge

I'm afraid I read that as...

Remote-control mock-cock patient dies

... which would have been more troubling and interesting at the same time.

I can't imagine why my eyesight is so poor these days.

Paul Johnson 1

Patent not patient

I read this as "patient dies" not "patent dies".

Jellied Eel Silver badge

Oh, doughnuts!

The idea is you, er, place the erotic aid somewhere sensitive,

GCHQ? Ft. Meade?

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward

Re: Oh, doughnuts!

Nope, them assholes are probably too big to stuff.

Teiwaz Silver badge

Re: Oh, doughnuts!

Nope, them assholes are probably too big to stuff.

I think if we could crowdfund a couple of cargoships worth of black nobblers, they could probably be buried up to their pointy ears.

Demosthenes Locke

Re: Oh, doughnuts!

The Laundry over in Dancy House has a Magic Wand connected up to a summoning grid and a captive succubus, sort of an Internet of Things That Go Bump And Grind in the Night.

eldakka Silver badge

Re: Oh, doughnuts!

Nope, them assholes are probably too big to stuff.

Or too tight.

There isn't enough lube in the world for some of those assholes, I think the following quotes would apply to them:

That operations officer's fart hole's sewed so tight he shits out of his mouth.

- Sergeant Major Choozoo, Heartbreak Ridge

Or:

Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.

- Ferris Bueller

Andrew Newstead

Re: Oh, doughnuts!

WD 40?

This post has been deleted by its author

Uncle Slacky Silver badge

Any relation of the old F-U-F-Me?

As preserved here: http://www.easylife.org/fufme/

Anonymous Coward
Paris Hilton

I look forward to reading about the first one of these being hacked. It'll make the baby monitor stories seem very tame.

Paris, because... well need you even ask?

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