back to article Home Office seeks Brexit tech boss – but doesn't splash the cash

The reality of the mammoth task facing the Home Office in preparing for Brexit appears to have sunk in – the department is seeking a technology lead for the UK’s exit from the European Union. They will be in charge of overseeing the EU Exit programme, which the Home Office described as "a layer of IT-enabled change that sits …

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  1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    It seems to be a generous salary for a job that simply consists of writing reports that say it won't be ready in time and when it is ready it won't work.

    And at the end of last year, MPs on the Public Accounts Committee said the UK border could be left exposed thanks to “weak contingency planning” – a particular problem if the UK leaves with no deal.

    How can the border be left exposed by Brexit? We're doing it to take back control.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Last time I flew back from the continent I wandered right through Birmingham International.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        fix that for you

        don't worry, after Brexit there won't be any flights

    2. Pen-y-gors

      Reports?

      How long does it take to write

      "Brexit IT is Brexit IT"

      "Red White and Blue Brexit IT"

      "The easiest IT systems in history"

      "Let's spend £350million a week on Brexit IT systems"

      "Oh god, I'm so depressed"

      1. Aladdin Sane

        Re: Reports?

        The cover sheets on all reports must be passport blue.

        1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

          passport blue?

          Don't you mean French Navy blue?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: passport blue?

            Don't you mean French Navy blue?

            Ummm... yeah... didn't you see the memo?

        2. Chris King

          Re: Reports?

          "The cover sheets on all reports must be passport blue".

          Surely you mean "Passeport Bleu", given that Gemalto got that gig ?

    3. Just Enough

      Cushy job

      It could be a very cushy job. It obviously can't be done in the timeframe available. So you either wait for it to spectacularly fail, and walk away (accurately) blaming the Government, or you quit before it happens saying it can't be done.

      Either way you've got half a year's salary out of 100k, with no expectation of delivering anything and no blame allocated your way. Just a pity the entire country gets screwed in the process, but that appears to be standard Brexit policy.

      Or, just maybe, we can only hope, sense prevails and the whole thing is cancelled and you've still got your 50k.

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

        Re: Cushy job

        It's not a job, it's a blame magnet. You're sure to fail and your actions will be endlessly and totally dissected, with a negative bias.

        I wouldn't take that position for ten times the salary.

      2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

        Re: Cushy job

        Don't forget the trips to visit all the EU countries too - swimsuit and sunscreen? Put them on expenses.

        1. Rich 11

          Re: Cushy job

          swimsuit and sunscreen? Put them on expenses.

          Woo-hoo! Finland in winter!

    4. ToddRundgrensUtopia

      Of course it will work. Crapita aren't involved

      1. Rich 11

        Of course it will work. Crapita aren't involved

        Yet.

        1. Guido Esperanto

          what the job ad doesn't state is 3000 of those people you'll be responsible for will also need to be outsourced to Crapita.

          You'll be a 100k middleman

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          I'll bet they are!

      2. John Smith 19 Gold badge
        Happy

        Of course it will work. Crapita aren't involved

        Hmm...

        Well that does improve the odds of success from 99:1 against.

        To 98:1 against.

        Maybe as high as 97:1.

    5. streaky

      And at the end of last year, MPs on the Public Accounts Committee said the UK border could be left exposed thanks to “weak contingency planning” – a particular problem if the UK leaves with no deal.

      Funny because the independent non-political entity who audits this stuff says otherwise. Central thesis is wrong. But it's not politically convenient for media (or MPs apparently) to speak truth any more.

  2. Moog42

    Hahahahaha. No.

    Nothing against Croydon, and a knighthood and complementary Aston Martin from Q wouldn't swing this one.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "Nothing against Croydon, and a knighthood and complementary Aston Martin from Q wouldn't swing this one."

      What's the problem? It's not going to last so no need to move there. Any freelancer is likely to have done weekly commutes to similar places.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Croydon is beautiful. Like the Dallas of Surrey.

    1. smudge

      I've been to Dallas. And Croydon.

      And I know what you mean!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Ok, as someone who has never been to the UK, what is it about Croydon?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          It's shit

          1. andy k O'Croydon

            As with most places that people like to say are shit, I think most of its detractors have never been there.

            "But I've been there and it's definitely shit!"

            Thank you, hypothetical commentard. I suppose anyone can be biased enough to like any place if that's where all your friends and family live though. Me, I think the post being in Croydon is the only reason to take the job!

    2. BebopWeBop
      Trollface

      Surry and Dallas - all in one comparison - explains why no one in their own mind would wish to go there.

    3. DJO Silver badge

      "Croydon" contracted from Crocus Dean which roughly translates to "Saffron Vally".

      Now that conjures an idyllic tranquil scene, shame it's a complete dump.

  4. SVV

    Over in Brussels this morning

    They are howling with laughter as the threat to walk away with no deal is made all the more credible by the release of this advert for the job from hell managing changing requirements on top of a layer of other changing requirements, with hopefully sufficient days to get it all started and finished so that everything will run smoothly when the fireworks and flag waving celebration happens a few weeks later.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Over in Brussels this morning

      What the hell are you supposed to do in seven months apart from brace for impact?

      1. monty75

        Re: Over in Brussels this morning

        Spend seven months looking for someone else to scapegoat?

        1. Dominion

          Re: Over in Brussels this morning

          The probability is that someone taking that job is on a 3 month notice period, so by the time they recruit them, wait 3 months, Brexit will have happened. Or not.

          1. Squeffield

            Re: Over in Brussels this morning

            Not only the 3 month notice period, but also the developed vetting I'd imagine the applicant will need to have satisfied before having the appointment confirmed.

      2. Wolfclaw

        Re: Over in Brussels this morning

        Look for your next job, with a big fat salary, while you do minor edits to the last report stating all the same failures.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Over in Brussels this morning

        Lube up!

  5. }{amis}{
    Thumb Down

    Not Enough if you ask me

    Given that whoever picks the poison chalice up is going to be publicly blamed for the inevitable train crash that is a doomed from the start government IT contract.

    I don't think £100k is enough to persuade anyone competent to link their name to that crap.

    1. Pen-y-gors

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      I think a lump-sum golden hello of, say, €10 million, paid into an Irish hedge fund account, plus a new identity and Irish passport should just about cover it. Thankfully European arrest warrant won't be available to get the lucky winner back from Co.Kerry or wherever they decide to hide out.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      "I don't think £100k is enough to persuade anyone competent to link their name to that crap."

      It's doomed anyway so the only competence required is that of not minding. Any of us retirees could take it on as a nice little addition to the pension.

      1. Wensleydale Cheese

        Re: Not Enough if you ask me

        "It's doomed anyway so the only competence required is that of not minding. Any of us retirees could take it on as a nice little addition to the pension."

        Just what I was thinking.

        Could be a springboard to another cushy number, if you are thick skinned enough to endure it.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      I don't think £100k is enough to persuade anyone competent to link their name to that crap.

      Who said anything about competence being a requirement? This is the civil service we're talking about, and not just any old bit, but the Home Office, Borders & Immigration directorate. This is Fail Central. The ground zero of botched non-working fuckups. The Mount Doom of IT.

      What they'll get is some overly ambitious self promoting lightweight puffball who ticks the boxes on paper. They will either fail to see that the future is already mapped out, or simply won't care. This is a high profile job with a big job title (though I note not a head of or director of), and all the people going for it will see it simply as another stepping stone on the public sector gravy train, leading to a future job with even more money, and the same tolerance of ineptitude.

    4. hplasm
      Devil

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      "I don't think £100k is enough to persuade anyone competent to link their name to that crap."

      But there are dozens of incompetents available...

    5. macjules

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      Salary: £100,000.00 for possibly less than 1 year's work

      Delivery of project (does not mean that it was successful, just that it was delivered): CBE or higher

      Job pluses: Pension of £59,000 plus lump sum of benefits (30%) at £70,000 (provided you are around for at least 5 years or until aged 67)

      Not forgetting that you will undoubtedly get recruited by Capita in order for them to try and make sense of the work you did so successfully in Croydon

      Job negatives: 12 months of East Croydon hell

    6. MaltaMaggot

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      < I don't think £100k is enough to persuade anyone competent to link their name to that crap >

      .. no, but it would fund a before-and-after-deed-polling

    7. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Not Enough if you ask me

      Maybe it will be paid in ration coupons or euro at May 2017 exchange rates to make it interesting...

  6. Serg
    Coat

    Awesome!

    Take job, take blame when it all inevitably goes TITSUP, move to EU and have a successful career and some great inside stories to tell.

    Sounds good to me!

    Coat, because it's increasingly unlikely that staying (as an EU citizen) is A Good Idea.

    1. Aladdin Sane

      Re: Awesome!

      Probably at least a year's supply of publishable On-Call stories.

      1. hplasm
        Devil

        Re: Awesome!

        "Probably at least a year's supply of publishable On-Call stories."

        Or the ultimate in Who, Me?

        1. Rich 11

          Re: Awesome!

          It's the unpublishable ones I'd really like to see.

      2. macjules

        Re: Awesome!

        I already have a lifetime of On-call stories, and that was with just 15 years in government IT.

  7. John G Imrie

    So let me see if I've got this right

    With just over 7 months to go until B-Day the Home office has started looking for a new manager, a process that is likely to take two months minimum, leaving a couple of months to get up to speed with what the rest of the department is doing, another month to recruit sufficient support staff and two, yes two months to write the report saying we are up shit creak and not only don't we have a paddle, someone has nicked the boat as well.

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

      Re: So let me see if I've got this right

      Don't forget: requirements elicitation will only just have started IF you are lucky, and even such requirements as are known will be shifting continuously.

      On day one, I would just start writing that report saying we are up excrement creek without a means of propulsion, or indeed floatation, and those handy logs we spotted hopefully just now, have a suspicious number of teeth, and are closing in. After that, see to it that you get airlifted out of there quickly

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