back to article BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns We're having a company-wide operational audit. The Boss, bless him, thinks it's a routine process aimed at solidifying the company's position in the marketplace (blah, blah, blah), however the PFY and I know better having accidentally been bcc-ed in on a private email exchange discussing a …

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  1. TRT Silver badge

    Poisoning the well...

    Nice move. I like to see some professionalism in the workplace.

  2. JakeMS

    Yeah, in situations like this you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your job.

    I can't say I wouldn't do something like that in this situation.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Sure, but you also have to be prepared the predator with its own, possibly female, BOFH.

      To be continued?

  3. Bob Wheeler
    Pint

    Where the bodies are...

    "Oh, they'll probably keep us on. As they say in the corporate world, we know where the bodies are buried," the PFY smiles.

    "Or more importantly," I add, "we know that there's room for some more bodies..."

    I now where the bodies are because I put them there....

    1. Sgt_Oddball
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Where the bodies are...

      Beware of men barring strange gifts... Especially if it's bags of quicklime and/or cement .

      Though i do wonder how they manage to get accounts to pay for all the rolls of carpet they must go through....(because come on, you think the BOFH or the PFY pay for these themselves?)

      1. brotherelf
        Joke

        Re: Where the bodies are...

        These anti-static carpets become filled up with static, so regular replacements are needed. Just like inkjet cartridges, only the other way around.

        1. JimC

          Re: Where the bodies are...

          Funny you should mention ink. Its that big pen plotter you see, it really scatters the stuff around. That's why we need to have that bigpiece of carpet in the server room to stop it getting on the tiles.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Where the bodies are...

        " pay for all the rolls of carpet ....."

        No, no, no. Always use old carpet that someone has thrown out after helpfully contaminating it with years of random DNA. You don't want to make life easy for the forensic bods.

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon
          Coat

          Re: Where the bodies are...

          Beware of men barring strange gifts

          What, you didn't want them or something?

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Neat!

    Although I wouldn't have opted for a mere chicken dinner. Something more upmarket (lobster anyone?) should have been on the cards for such an epic arse-saving effort

    1. Stoneshop
      Devil

      Re: Neat!

      such an epic arse-saving effort

      Given my chicken allergy, such a dinner would be far from arse-saving for me.

    2. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker
      Pint

      Re: Metaphorical chicken

      Allusion to: "Winner winner, chicken dinner!"

      I'm sure Simon & PFY are celebrating at the usual pub with lager and crisps.

      (It was the references here in the BOFH Files that led me to trying salt & vinegar crisps. Not too bad. Haven't paired them with lager yet.)

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Metaphorical chicken

        Smokey bacon is my personal preference when I can get them here or just plain ready salted.

        Crisps\chips are heavily salted in Canadaland, with much bigger packets it makes it damn hard to stop eating them during Netflix binges.

        I used to like Smiths\Walkers Sausage & Tomato or Savory Sausage flavours, but the last time I encountered any of those perodically swapped out variants they tasted artificial as hell.

        1. Korev Silver badge

          Re: Metaphorical chicken

          It all went downhill after Walkers stopped selling the Cajun Squirrel flavour crisps...

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Metaphorical chicken

            Chilli McCoys are THE crunchy comestible to accompany Budweiser. I don't know why exactly but they are flavour perfection together.

            1. Alistair
              Windows

              Re: Metaphorical chicken

              Chilli McCoys are THE crunchy comestible to accompany Budweiser. I don't know why exactly but they are flavour perfection together.

              Budweiser has flavour?

              1. Andy A
                Pint

                Re: Metaphorical chicken

                ....Budweiser has flavour?

                No.

                They proudly claim to filter it through activated charcoal, which removes all trace.

                The pint in the icon has more flavour (and I'm not referring to the 3D version it was based on).

                1. J. Cook Silver badge
                  Coat

                  Re: Metaphorical chicken

                  I like to describe Budweiser (and it's abomination cousin, Bud Light) as Sex in a Canoe, because it's fscking near water...

                  (grabs coat and runs away from thread necromancy)

          2. Bitbeisser

            Re: Metaphorical chicken

            "It all went downhill after Walkers stopped selling the Cajun Squirrel flavour crisps..."

            Didn't that get replaced with that Roadkill Tabasco flavor instead?...

  5. Sixtysix
    Pint

    Absolutely believable!

    Can't believe they didn't take the chance to get rid of a few familiar faces along the way tho!

  6. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Beautifully executed.

    *wipes tear*

    *applause*

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      There were no executions in this episode though.

      1. Maverick
        1. Sir Runcible Spoon

          they were virtual

  7. Peter2 Silver badge

    Of course, the next thing is going to be the competitor company trying to use this information against their company to get them closed down, only to discover it's somewhat misleading. ;)

    1. Chronos

      ...which then leads to accusations of anti-competitive business practices and mismanagement, wipes out predator company's share price and effectively hoists them with their own petard. I love it.

      Simon must read The Prince and think "this Machiavelli bloke. What a bloody noob..."

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Wiping out predator company's share price

        So then the BOFH's company can buy out the predator and he will have a whole new group of users to terrorize and a new PFY to mentor...perfect!

        1. Fatman
          Joke

          Re: Wiping out predator company's share price

          <quote>So then the BOFH's company can buy out the predator and he will have a whole new group of users manglement to terrorize and a new PFY to mentor...perfect!</quote>

          There!!!

          FTFY!

    2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      "competitor company trying to use this information against their company"

      You cant help thinking that would be a huge mistake on their part ...

      BOFH would have to go to guerilla war, just after Shorting* their stock

      *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

      1. Steve the Cynic

        BOFH would have to go to guerilla war, just after Shorting* their stock

        *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

        "shorting" is exactly the word you're looking for, short for "short selling".

        You make a "short" sale (selling shares you don't have yet - a "naked" short - or that you have borrowed from your broker) and buy them in a hurry after the price drops but before you must deliver the shares you sold or pay back your broker.

        Naked short selling is just barely legal, perhaps, depending on your jurisdiction, and may result in you having to "DK" ("don't know") the sell order, in essence claiming that you never made it. That gets you a bad reputation with your broker, who will terminate your account if you do it too often.

      2. Jemma

        Shorting..

        Oh, you meant shorting *stock*..

        So not the guys testicles to the three-phase supply...?

        No?

        Well, least said soonest melted.. Mended.. I meant mended..

      3. The Boojum

        No, I think your use of shorting is correct. Connecting their stock directly to 415V.

      4. Michael Habel

        *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

        I think the term you're looking for is "Short Selling"...

  8. BebopWeBop
    Happy

    "Or more importantly," I add, "we know that there's room for some more bodies..."

    Ahhhh - these articles just make my Fridays

  9. x 7

    the e-mail retention policy was similar to what happened at Time Computers in the months before they went bust - except the retention period was 3- days

    ALL e-mails over 1 month were deleted without warning or backup

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      A bit like quite a lot of the records where Time Computers were concerned, really. The records of where the Time delivery trucks went on the morning that they went bust would be nice to know, because the truckers somehow got lost on the way to each and every Time Computers shop.

      Similarly the records for Time's internet arm would also make interesting reading, in particular the way that the records of sales data of Time PCs mysteriously got teleported to a database just down the road, there to be grepped through by a Perl script and cross-compared with the records of who had signed up to that particular ISP.

      If you had had a fit of good sense after making the mistake of buying a Time PC and had chosen a proper ISP, then that little Perl script would dredge up your details and pass them over to Time, so that a team of operatives could ask why you had not taken up this kind offer of an ISP...?

      This is, BTW, a very good reason to not give retailers any more info than the bare minimum, since you never quite know where that info may end up...

  10. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

    It's a bit of a shock to realise that, after all these years, I had never wondered what the company did.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

      I wouldn't worry about it, I doubt Simon ever wondered what his company does either.

    2. DropBear

      Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

      Hmmm, tough one... dunno, maybe... sprockets...?

      1. BoldMan

        Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

        More like widgets...

  11. Alister

    large enough to consume our company whole whilst leaving room for dessert, a cheese board and several after-dinner cognacs.

    Oh Simon, fancy forgetting the wafer-thin mints...

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

      Excellent reference there...

  12. sarahemmm

    And in the wonderful new world of GDPR

    .. this will be reality ;)

  13. Alistair
    Windows

    Awwww, thank you Simon.

    Thats *my* line at work.

    "I'm no longer an employee, I'm furniture, 'cause I know where the bodies are buried"

  14. chivo243 Silver badge

    yes, knowing where the bodies are

    *cough* ahem, what bodies...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: yes, knowing where the bodies are

      No idea. All ex-employees' records are deleted on the day of their exit, in order to comply with the GDPR. Including the ones who disappear in mysterious circumstances

  15. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Sounds a good idea

    But only if they actually want the company. If they just want the IP or to remove/replace a competitor and close the whole lot down this would be a bit of an open door.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon

      Re: Sounds a good idea

      You're missing the liability piece - if they buy the company they buy everything - IP, debts and liabilities - including past misdemeanors which have yet to come to light :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sounds a good idea

        Not sure how it works on Simon's side of the pond, but over in the US companies typically only buy the assets of a target. On paper, the liabilities get left behind. Not sure how that works in practice and how many old debits or lawsuits you can escape.

        It gets really funky if you read the fine print. BIGCO doesn't just buy VICTIMCO. The filings usually have a convoluted arrangement of shell companies that come and go in the meantime. So BIGCO creates a new company called Victimco Holdings LLC, which buys the assets of VICTIMCO, VICTIMCO essentially ceases to exists, then Victimco Holdings LLC gets merged into BIGCO.

        Essentially it's a lot of high-priced suits figuring out how to squeeze out as much cash as possible, to hell with anyone else.

        1. DuchessofDukeStreet

          Simon's side of the pond

          Simon is not on either side of the pond surely? Although the BOFH appears firmly resident in the eastern side (where the purchase of assets alone can only be done from a company in bankruptcy/administration/receivership).

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