back to article Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Hungry punters fed up with over-priced, under-sized artisan sausage rolls will be pleased to hear a foot-long (30.48cm) meat feast has now arrived costing, um, £1. Even poncey Southerns will be able to get their hands on the snack. Everybody who enjoys eating like they have a death wish can head to their nearest Morrisons as …

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  1. wolfetone Silver badge
    Pint

    A £1 foot long sausage roll?

    WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!! This is the future! I've tasted it!!!

    1. VinceH
      Thumb Up

      CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

      I have a sausage roll to eat!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      *may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor

      Pay for decent food - America is a lesson to us all

      1. wolfetone Silver badge

        "*may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor

        Pay for decent food - America is a lesson to us all"

        This annoys me.

        You think that because less appetitising parts of the animal are used that it's an inferior product? You're completely wrong. If anything, it's a superior product. Why? You're using the whole animal, rather than the nice looking fleshy bits.

        Surely it's an insult to the animal to kill it just for a few pork joins and some bacon and then discard the rest of the animal? It's far more respectful to use every last part of the body in anyway we can.

        1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

          It's not the odd bit of the pig

          That worry me. I was brought up not to waste food. It's the other stuff. Now, I know these days you can't get away with slipping a few handfuls of sawdust into the mixture but based on taste I suspect that someone has found a way of turning old furniture into "food grade texture supplement".

          1. Triggerfish

            Re: It's not the odd bit of the pig

            Sometimes you want crap.

            I used to live near several excellent butchers, but even so I sometimes found myself craving those cheap arse Richmond's sausages.

            1. Oh Homer
              Windows

              Re: "cheap arse sausages"

              It's not just me, then.

              I was starting to think I had a genetic deformity, because while all those hugely expensive Cumberland-style sausages did nothing for me, despite being hand-crafted by blind Tibetan monks using only the finest Bohemian wild boars and magically enchanted caramelised onions, I have a compunction worthy of Desperate Dan to eat vast platefuls of cheap bangers and mash.

              With lots of gravy. Never forget the gravy!

              1. Triggerfish

                Re: "cheap arse sausages" @ Oh Homer

                It's gotta be done sometimes.

                There was a place that did a cheap bacon and sausage sarnie near a place I worked, cheap bacon, cheap sausages, some Mondays, or miserable grey days on the way to work greasy, salty magic in a barm.

          2. Bandikoto

            Re: It's not the odd bit of the pig

            "Everything but the squeal."

            1. Wensleydale Cheese

              Re: It's not the odd bit of the pig

              "Everything but the squeal."

              Or as a butcher in the Yorkshire Dales proudly stated:

              "We even use the squeal."

        2. Oh Homer
          Headmaster

          Re: "less appetising parts"

          Actually the conventional wisdom on what exactly constitutes the "less appetising parts" is generally wrong. In meat, most of the flavour is locked into hydrophobic molecules that absolutely require fat to dissolve and thus release their flavour. So "trimming the fat" is literally the worst thing you could possibly do to your meat, unless you're the sort of person who thoroughly enjoys the taste of cardboard.

          As for what's "bad for you", scientific research has proven that death continues to be the nation's number one killer, and that sadly there is still no cure for mortality. So you might as well just suck it up, and don't forget all that tasty fat!

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "less appetising parts"

            As for what's "bad for you", scientific research has proven that death continues to be the nation's number one killer, and that sadly there is still no cure for mortality. So you might as well just suck it up, and don't forget all that tasty fat!

            Exactly! I went to see my doctor yesterday, and he explained that as time passes, my body becomes older, and more worn and lived in, so it's not surprising if bits stop functioning like they used to.

            His advice could revolutionize medical science - "stop getting older."

            1. Pen-y-gors

              Re: "less appetising parts"

              @AC

              His advice could revolutionize medical science - "stop getting older."

              Unfortunately, I can only think of one way of doing that. I'll stick to the alternative and just slowly get older disgracefully, one day at a time.

              1. Danny 14

                Re: "less appetising parts"

                Awesome. Im sure its contains the same meat products as biltong, midnight mouth organ kebabs, haggis, black pudding and 'cheap sausages'.

                All good.

              2. Pompous Git Silver badge

                Re: "less appetising parts"

                ""stop getting older."

                Unfortunately, I can only think of one way of doing that. I'll stick to the alternative and just slowly get older disgracefully, one day at a time."

                There is an alternative way:

                The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar

                But that's pretty gruesome, too.

          2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: "less appetising parts"

            "So "trimming the fat" is literally the worst thing you could possibly do to your meat, unless you're the sort of person who thoroughly enjoys the taste of cardboard."

            +1 A well marbled beef joint has a lot more taste than lean beef. Sadly, many people think the lean meat is best because "healthy" and, of course, the lean meat is priced to reflect that. For the rest of us who know better, that means the better meat with some fat still on it is cheaper.

            1. Pompous Git Silver badge

              Re: "less appetising parts"

              "For the rest of us who know better, that means the better meat with some fat still on it is cheaper."
              And the cognoscenti also know that only a little over half of that fat is saturated. Nearly half is unsaturated. I'd rather get my unsaturated fat from meat than safflower oil thankyou very much.

        3. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          "Surely it's an insult to the animal to kill it just for a few pork joins and some bacon and then discard the rest of the animal?"

          It might be, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean I personally have to actually eat all of it. There are other ways of using a dead animal. Oh, and I dare say that any veggies reading this will point out that it was an insult to the animal to even bring it into this world just to fatten it up and kill it, no matter how much of it you used afterwards.

          Horses for courses I suppose.

          1. Sir Runcible Spoon
            Joke

            "Horses for courses I suppose."

            Would that be for the main course? Don't go to Mrs Miggins Pie Shoppe then.

          2. wolfetone Silver badge

            " Oh, and I dare say that any veggies reading this will point out that it was an insult to the animal to even bring it into this world just to fatten it up and kill it, no matter how much of it you used afterwards."

            They can say that all they like. But if humans were meant to eat vegetables exclusively and not eat meat, then we'd have our eyes on the side of our head and teeth that were primarily used for munching grass.

            Remember: Veganism is cow genocide.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              "Veganism is cow genocide."

              I've come to the conclusion that vegans really don't like animals.

              1. Pompous Git Silver badge

                "I've come to the conclusion that vegans really don't like animals."
                It could be worse. Imagine being a vegan and hating the taste of vegetables...

              2. This post has been deleted by its author

          3. h4rm0ny

            >>Horses for courses I suppose.

            Horses for main courses, I should think based on previous supermarket behaviour. ;)

          4. onefang

            "Horses for courses I suppose."

            If we are using all the bits of the horse, that's a fairly large meal.

        4. Teiwaz

          Chain bones?

          Apparently not allowed to sell them anymore, although my Dad used to rave about them as being better than spare ribs.

        5. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Crazy to think there's no equivalent English idiom to "Tout est bon dans le cochon".

          1. Imsimil Berati-Lahn

            Every part of a swine

            is absolutely effin' fine.

        6. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          "It's far more respectful to use every last part of the body in anyway we can."

          Black Pudding!!!!

          1. magickmark

            Black Pudding!!!!

            Ecky-Thump!!!!

      2. mythicalduck

        Pay for decent food

        Whilst I generally agree with the "you get what you pay for", it's not always true either. You can still get inferior food being priced highly because of "brand" labels etc.

      3. NateGee

        FFS! You have eaten a hotdog at some point in your life right?!?

        https://www.lspace.org/books/whos-who/cmot.html because Pratchett knew this years ago.

      4. R 11

        "*may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor"

        Why do you think sausage was invented?

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          I'll see your sausage and

          raise you to one haggis

      5. Chemical Bob

        "may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor"

        America ain't the lesson here. In the Land of the Free we aren't even allowed to eat anything Truly Offal. It's for our protection, you know.

        We are allowed to eat something like 3000 food additives that have been banned in the smarter parts of the world, however.

        1. x 7

          ""may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor"

          America ain't the lesson here. In the Land of the Free we aren't even allowed to eat anything Truly Offal. It's for our protection, you know.

          We are allowed to eat something like 3000 food additives that have been banned in the smarter parts of the world, however."

          So America doesn't have chitlins as its national dish then

          (For the uninitiated chitlins are deep fried crispy intestines. Think pork scratchings with an earthy flavour)

          1. Chemical Bob

            Re: So America doesn't have chitlins as its national dish then

            Nope. Double cheeseburgers. And to wash 'em down, gravy.

      6. tlhonmey

        "*may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor

        Pay for decent food - America is a lesson to us all"

        Um... You *do* know what sausage casings are made of, right?

        1. gandalfcn Silver badge

          "Um... You *do* know what sausage casings are made of, right?

          Are or were?

          1. jake Silver badge

            Still are.

            No other way. I even use the appendix, the result is called Tom Thumb.

      7. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "may contain: buttholes, eyelids, feet, other shit we found on the floor"

        There speaks someone who has never tried haggis.

        You utter BASTARD! I am now hungry

      8. gandalfcn Silver badge

        "Pay for decent food - America is a lesson to us all"

        The downvoters are probably Septics who believe their country's dietary intake is the best in the world.

        Just like their education and healthcare.

        1. jake Silver badge
          Pint

          That's a broad brush you paint with, sir! Get any on ya?

          Having spent a good deal of my life on both sides of the pond, I'd have to say that both the British and the American Great Unwashed are about on an equal footing on 'orribleness of diet. Thankfully there are pockets of gastronomic wonderfulness to be had all over both countries.

          Education is also a cross-pond draw.

          Healthcare may be nearly free in Blighty, but you get what you pay for. Draw again.

          Our governments and religions are equally fucked, too.

          And of course stupidity is common across the entire human population.

          So basically, we're all a sad bunch over all. Depressing, isn't it? I'm certain Samuel Langhorne Clemens had something pithy to say about that, but I can't be arsed to look it up.

          On the bright side, beer.

          1. Aladdin Sane

            Re: Healthcare may be nearly free in Blighty, but you get what you pay for. Draw again.

            We (UK) don't have people dying because they can't afford to have standard treatment.

            Now fuck off.

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Healthcare may be nearly free in Blighty, but you get what you pay for. Draw again.

              No, you have people dying because they can't afford proper treatment. All they can "afford" is standard treatment. If they can be fit in in time.

              Now you can kindly fuck off. Ta.

            2. YouStupidBoy

              Re: Healthcare may be nearly free in Blighty, but you get what you pay for. Draw again.

              No, you just have people like my grandfather, who paid into the NHS all his life, then when he needed an oncologist, had a 7 month wait between first GP visit and the specialist during which time the tumo[u]r had become inoperable.

              Neither system is perfect, my fiance here will be paying off medical bills for the rest of her life for a procedure she had 5 years ago that is the reason she's still here. And she had insurance at the time, too. But at least she's still breathing.

            3. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Healthcare may be nearly free in Blighty, but you get what you pay for. Draw again.

              "We (UK) don't have people dying because they can't afford to have standard treatment."

              Same here. We have people dying because our doctors are shit.

          2. David 18

            Re: That's a broad brush you paint with, sir! Get any on ya?

            @Jake "On the bright side, beer."

            I bet it's hard to get a decent pint of that over there, if they call that tasteless, watery gnat's piss Budweiser the King of Beers.

            I wouldn't know, never been there and no desire to, Washington State or New England maybe. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Americans in general, just their Government, Politicians and businesses.

          3. Oh Homer
            Mushroom

            Re: "you get what you pay for"

            And, in America, if you can't afford to pay, you die.

            As a measure of quality, that must surely rank as a perfect zero.

            No thanks, I'll stick with the NHS, based on the simple fact that any healthcare is clearly better than none.

            1. Pompous Git Silver badge
              FAIL

              Re: "you get what you pay for"

              "And, in America, if you can't afford to pay, you die."
              A bit of a myth I'm told. There are charity hospitals in the USA that treat those unable to pay for free. Most, but not all, are financed by the Roman Catholic Church. The Economist estimated in 2010 that the Church spends about $US171,600,000,000 a year and that 57% of this goes on health-care networks. That makes the Church the largest health-care provider in the world. In 2015 The Atlantic claimed $US57 billion annually in uncompensated health care in the USA.

              When I commented here a few weeks ago on the amount of money the Church spends on health care, one commentard said he thought the Church should be prevented from being involved in health care. Go figure...

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